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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some fanfare from DH for end of breastfeeding journey?

237 replies

Calmondeck · 30/04/2023 22:07

Just that really… I always intended to breastfeed (but had no concept of how all-consuming it is in the first 6 months and didn’t really know how/when to stop) and DH was quite anti-formula. When DC was 18 months I declared myself ready to stop but he was diagnosed with cancer and DH thought breastfeeding could be a tool to help with the many many hospitalisations. Now at 23 months, DC has decided he’s done. Which feels wonderful it’s come to its natural conclusion. DH has not reacted in any way. I don’t know what I expected, AIBU to expect anything? Secretly I wish he would take this moment to reflect on how much I have given… (not just milk)…

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2023 23:20

you'd think he'd notice of its completion

(Sorry about the extra 'of' in my sentence)

MakesMeFeelSad · 30/04/2023 23:25

It sounds like you'd have been happy to stop earlier but dh kept giving his opinion so you carried on

Well done, I bf one of mine and it went on way longer than I wanted (sn) I formula fed his 3 elder brothers and much preferred it!

It would have been nice of him to acknowledge it, especially as he was the one against ff. Also sorry to hear about your dc, that must be incredibly hard

Sandals12 · 30/04/2023 23:25

Barnbrack · 30/04/2023 22:15

Have you breastfed? It can feel like a bit of a journey, many do us have issues getting established, there can be a lot of ups and downs etc. I agree I wouldn't expect fanfare but it's a bit of a specific time for a lot of women, not all but a lot.

Show quote history

Yes I agree, definitely a journey. If you had problems establishing and persevered perhaps through a lot of pain (and endless googling, creams, oils. burn bandages(!), bleeding nipples, lactation consultants and finally tongue tie correction) you'd consider it a journey too. I breastfed first for 3.5years until in labour with my second (who was dead easy to feed). My journey continues...

wingingit1987 · 30/04/2023 23:26

A few things.

1- So sorry about your little one, I hope things get easier on you all soon.

2- I’ve breastfed all 5 of mine and I genuinely do not think husbands understand what an undertaking it is. My husband still doesn’t get why I’m so tired all the time, 5 babies later.

3- is it possible that your husband
is maybe a little knocked off by your son weaning? Maybe because he is worried it’s one less wee comfort he has. Or does he feel this means he has grown up a bit? I’m always a bit weird and sad when one of mine weans as they seem grown up all over a sudden.

4- look up breast milk jewellery on sites like Etsy- if your milk hasn’t dried up yet then it’s a lovely way to make a little keepsake to mark your breastfeeding journey.

you have done amazing 💕

LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 23:28

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2023 23:19

You breastfed for nearly two years while your baby fought cancer.
You get all the medals... all the love, sincerely and from the heart, OP.
That's as tough as it gets. I really hope that good health stays right by your family's side, all the way.
As for your DH... I'm a bit lost for words. After all the effort he put into encouraging breastfeeding, you'd think he'd notice of its completion and acknowledge this sort of rite of passage. Odd that's he's so quiet about it.

What if she’d formula fed? Would she still get all the medals and all the love from the heart for feeding her child had she not been able to breastfeed? Do you not think other mums out there have gone through the same while formula feeding their child? The stress, the fear and the uncertainty of having a child who has cancer? No fanfare needed imo.

allmyliesaretrue · 30/04/2023 23:29

I don't think the DH here should be censored for being averse to FF, so long as he didn't actually force his wife to BF. I'm not sure how that would even be possible - if you can't, well then you can't!!

And I can understand carrying on with BFing to comfort the wee man when he wasn't well. That's just so awful, a little baby having cancer. I hope he is doing well.

I think feelings around Bfing are pretty complex. My eldest probably have been quite happy to keep going - she was a year old when I decided to stop because I hoped to get pregnant again. Two months after stopping, I was pregnant! Also stopped BFing with #2 because I needed steroids for my asthma and my GP said, "don't you think it's time you stopped anyway?"!!! (it was 23 years ago).

I was prepared to BF #3 as long as possible and felt horribly rejected when they decided they'd had enough at 22 months!! I am here to tell you, you cannot force a child to BF!!

I never expected any 'fanfare' when I stopped though. It just was what it was. I'd have probably ended up getting up with them at night anyway because H "never heard them".

@Calmondeck I think your emotions are more heightened because of what you have been through with your little one. Tell your DH how you are feeling. You're quite right - he should appreciate all of the hard work you have put in x

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 23:30

Well done you OP 💐 I hope your little one is as well as he can be. I think, considering your H had such a strong opinion on breastfeeding, he could have at least mentioned it. I imagine he's taken for granted what you have done for your son and continued to do even when you had had enough.

Heydiddlelidl · 30/04/2023 23:32

To all the posters that are making horrible or sarcastic comments, or trying to turn this into a breastfeeding vs formula argument, I can't believe you are taking shots at a mum who's baby/young toddler has cancer, and who has tried to put his needs above her own in incredibly traumatic circumstances. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I hope you are OK OP, you deserve a fanfare, have one from me x

EasterIssland · 30/04/2023 23:33

First of all sorry for your sons diagnosis, hope they recover soon.
I did breastfed my son for 4 years and 10 months. I didn’t expect anything from him but being there when my emotions were high and I was quite upset about this journey ending (I chose it as I was knackered after that long). So I think you might be going through the same, you know what you’ve done is amazing and you feel like some recognition should be coming from others whilst your hormones are going up and down. Everything I can say is well done for this 23months.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 30/04/2023 23:35

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Barnbrack · 30/04/2023 23:36

LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 23:28

What if she’d formula fed? Would she still get all the medals and all the love from the heart for feeding her child had she not been able to breastfeed? Do you not think other mums out there have gone through the same while formula feeding their child? The stress, the fear and the uncertainty of having a child who has cancer? No fanfare needed imo.

Show quote history

Your response is very 'all lives matter' yes, all parents who have done their best for their child through medical problems deserve adulation. The op struggled with her last few months of breastfeeding while her child was being treated for cancer. People are reacting to th ops situation specifically and giving HER the kudos she deserves for doing something that she was finding difficult while already in a horrifically difficult situation because she felt it was best for her child. Noone is saying formula feeding parents of children with medical problems are lesser they are specifically supporting the ops specific set of circumstances.

If the op had been I let my child keep his dummy for longer because it helped with medical appts and he's now stopped using it and it's effecting me mentally a d my husband doesn't seem to be reacting the op would have had similar responses. Well done for letting your child retain something that was providing comfort, try not to worry that stopping it will mean your child is in less comfort. You've done very well to support your chick even though you were worried the dummy migh effect their teeth and speech and you were maybe getting shit for that decision. You're a hero.

Turning this into an imagined anti formula thread is a bit shit given the context.

Goldbar31 · 30/04/2023 23:37

Well done, you’ve done amazing.
I hope your DC is doing ok.
Take care ❤️

Myladybeth · 30/04/2023 23:38

I can't believe some of the replies on here. You deserve a fanfare for sure! I think you'll have to ask for it though, he won't really understand how you're feeling about it coming to an end, you may have to spell it out.

All the best for your sons treatment ❤️

Barnbrack · 30/04/2023 23:38

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Do you usually find childhood cancer this hilarious?

Nedmund · 30/04/2023 23:38

'DH was quite anti-formula' then he should absolutely acknowledge what you've put into also supporting his dreams of how his DC was fed. Although, I hope you know that he had no right to have any opinion on how your child was fed if it impacted your body.

I ebf for 3 years but never expected anything really, my DH wasn't fussed what I did. I chose to treat myself to mark the end of it.

You've done a great job - only 1% ebf in the UK past 6 months. I'm sure you're so worried at the moment and it sounds like this may be linked to your DC being ill. I hope you're supporting each other through the difficult time you're going through. I hope your DC pulls through this very soon Flowers

Barnbrack · 30/04/2023 23:39

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Interesting response on a thread by a mother going through her child's cancer treatment 🤔

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 30/04/2023 23:39

LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 23:28

What if she’d formula fed? Would she still get all the medals and all the love from the heart for feeding her child had she not been able to breastfeed? Do you not think other mums out there have gone through the same while formula feeding their child? The stress, the fear and the uncertainty of having a child who has cancer? No fanfare needed imo.

Show quote history

Op shouldn't get support, or even a well done because other parents have been through the same, but they FF their baby?

Wt actual f.

I can't believe that you're callous enough to think that, let alone type it, proof read it, then hit post.

If a FF mum was on here and she was going through having a child with cancer most of us on here would support her too, not twist ourselves into knots to prove that she was being unreasonable somehow.

Of course op should get a bit of praise, she's been going through hell with her very young baby, all the while managing to BF with little in the way of support from her 'D'H by the sound if it.

Sometimes it's OK to just have a bit of basic empathy for someone going through a tough time, even if it is on AIBU.

BritInAus · 30/04/2023 23:40

I think some people are being incredibly mean, would you speak to a mum at the school gates like this? One whose tiny child has cancer?!

OP, I'll give you a fanfare. You've breastfed for a long time when you really wanted to stop, and it must have given a lot of comfort to your very unwell child. That's bloody amazing. I can't imagine the extra stress and constant anxiety in your life with such an unwell little one, and to breastfeed too is fabulous.

Your DP might just not really 'get it' - he's so used to you breastfeeding for such a long time, it's just become normal. And if you haven't breastfed - especially long term, and in your case, in very difficult circumstances, then it's hard to know just what a toll that can take physically and mentally x

Veryverycalmnow · 30/04/2023 23:40

I totally expected a fanfare when I finally managed to finish breastfeeding- from the ALL hours stage to a couple of years later still doing a bedtime feed for the last few months. Rewarding, wonderful, bonding experience, but yes- worth marking it when it comes to an end. Expecting DH to understand? Maybe not. But Congratulations on your Graduation!

JenniferBarkley · 30/04/2023 23:41

LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 23:28

What if she’d formula fed? Would she still get all the medals and all the love from the heart for feeding her child had she not been able to breastfeed? Do you not think other mums out there have gone through the same while formula feeding their child? The stress, the fear and the uncertainty of having a child who has cancer? No fanfare needed imo.

Show quote history

This isn't the thread to be discussing FF Vs BF (both of which are wonderful IMO).

OP has come to the end of a very specific (and grueling) phase of parenting, that rested solely on her. Yes her DH should acknowledge that.

Taxitaxiforever · 30/04/2023 23:41

OP I really hope your son recovers from cancer completely and you have peace of mind. Whether your son was BF or FF is irrelevant….husband should be massively proud of you for being such a great Mum and probably doing the lion share of appointments and admission to hospital.I sincerely hope your son is cancer free very soon.X

Barnbrack · 30/04/2023 23:41

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Why is a toddler with cancer so amusing to you?

Undertherock · 30/04/2023 23:42

Some quite strange responses here, presumably from people who haven’t bf - I think journey is an entirely appropriate description and I found it quite difficult to articulate parts of it.

DH definitely wouldn’t have intuited the impact of the different stages , or guessed at the complexities and difficulties , but I didn’t spare him my thoughts on that (or anything else over the years). Have you talked to your dh op?

apric0t · 30/04/2023 23:42

I'm still feeding my almost 5 year old, when we finally wean it's going to be very emotional I totally get where you're coming from. Have you told your DH you're ending feeding and his you're feeling? Might that give him the nudge to comfort you in the way you need? Well done for feeding your LO for so long, it's so much, you give your body up and this is a big thing ending the journey xx

Veryverycalmnow · 30/04/2023 23:43

I hope your child gets well soon. You've been through a tough time. Ignore the negative comments on here.