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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you can't afford to throw a party don't bother?

264 replies

Sundaycoffee · 30/04/2023 18:39

I've been to a couple of engagement parties recently and both of them just hired a pub function room with a minimum spend and expected the guests too buy their own drinks to make up the number.
I'm not necessarily saying it needs to be an unlimited tab behind the bar, but if I was throwing a party for my own engagement I would at least put on a few platters and provide a welcome drink. If I couldn't afford to do that then I wouldn't bother having a party in the first place!

OP posts:
midgemadgemodge · 01/05/2023 19:38

Fanofbrianbilston · 01/05/2023 19:20

What’s the etiquette for money behind the bar?

Make it clear - tell people - cash bar or a round behind the bar or paid to a few hundred or whatever

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 19:40

Bekstar · 01/05/2023 19:27

Maybe stick to friends who have plenty money then. Everyone has the right to a party and if your going to drink then by rights you should foot the bill. I think your comment is very self entitled.

@AriannaBlack I wish people would read the OP.
She didn't say she expected unlimited drinks.
But that there was absolutely nothing provided.

YANBU OP. If people are expected to foot the entire bill then it's not a party. A meet-up, night out, whatever other term but not a party.

I would've just walked out. I can pay, but don't like deceit.

caringcarer · 01/05/2023 19:44

If you get a party invitation as opposed to let's meet up at the pub after work to celebrate my engagement then I'd expect a basic finger buffet to be provided and music. A pay bar is fine though. For both my 18th birthday and my engagement parties my parents hired a function room at a pub and had caterers in to do a buffet. There was also a big cake. A glass of sparkling wine or fresh orange juice was provided as guests arrived. After that guests bought their own drinks at a pay bar.

Daffodilwoman · 01/05/2023 19:46

My thoughts:
Food should be provided. Drinks-buy your own. Mainly because some people take the p* and will order 4 double spirits plus mixer AND a large wine/ pint as well, whilst others will just order half a lager or soft drink. Greedy people always spoil it for those with manners.

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 19:47

Also all the talk of 'poor people' ... shameless virtue signalling! Don't you feel sorry for the actual 'poor' people invited to a party and pressured to spend more than they can afford?

If you're so sure that your expectation to pay for a party is above board. State it outright in the invite - people will turn up anyway.

RoseAndRose · 01/05/2023 19:50

I think a first drink and circulating canapes is the minimum - you're hosting a party, not meeting a bunch of mates in the pub for a celebration (which is also perfectly fine, if it's what you want, but it's not a hosted party IYSWIM)

Zanatdy · 01/05/2023 19:52

I personally wouldn’t put a party on if I couldn’t afford to put some food on. For me that’s a minimum

jamdonut · 01/05/2023 19:53

My recent wedding ‘party’ was in a pub’s function bar/room . The wedding ( 2nd time for both) was in a church.
They put on a splendid buffet,(£400- £10 a head) but we didn’t have free drinks. Nobody seemed to mind, and it went well. People seemed to enjoy it.
I also didn’t have a DJ,( pub’s Alexa) professional photographer ( friend) and another friend with a nice car acted as chauffeur and put ribbons on it!
We also asked for no presents, but still got some!😏

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 20:00

Fanofbrianbilston · 01/05/2023 19:20

What’s the etiquette for money behind the bar?

I'd tell people that X (or however many) drinks will be provided and then give out drink tokens. Because there are always a few CF's capable of chugging the entire lot within the first 30 minutes. Unless you know that none of your mates will do that...

midgemadgemodge · 01/05/2023 20:01

Zanatdy · 01/05/2023 19:52

I personally wouldn’t put a party on if I couldn’t afford to put some food on. For me that’s a minimum

I hope you appreciate how lucky you are _ it would be miserable to go through life never having a party because you couldn't afford to feed a hoard

goldfootball · 01/05/2023 20:02

I used to work at lots of weddings and people are absolute twats when it comes to a free bar - which were definitely the exception where I worked. You can guarantee a handful of people will rinse it in an hour and come 7pm someone’s teetotal uncle has to pay for a lemonade.

goldfootball · 01/05/2023 20:03

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 20:00

I'd tell people that X (or however many) drinks will be provided and then give out drink tokens. Because there are always a few CF's capable of chugging the entire lot within the first 30 minutes. Unless you know that none of your mates will do that...

Show quote history

Drinks tokens would be a great idea! Although I can imagine the MN threads if a couple distributed them at weddings… AIBU to think drinks tokens are tacky and if you can’t trust your guests you shouldn’t have invited them?

GilmoreGirl84 · 01/05/2023 20:06

I have been at kids' birthday parties organised as "picnics" where guests were encouraged to bring food/drinks. A bit strange imo. Although I understand times are tough, basic party food doesn't cost much!

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 20:07

midgemadgemodge · 01/05/2023 20:01

I hope you appreciate how lucky you are _ it would be miserable to go through life never having a party because you couldn't afford to feed a hoard

Show quote history

Equally, it's miserable to be unable to attend parties because you can't afford to pay for your own food :)

Because people cannot be honest and upfront about what's expected. So you just decline all invites as you're too embarrassed to ask, and if it's paying you can't afford it.

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 20:09

goldfootball · 01/05/2023 20:03

Drinks tokens would be a great idea! Although I can imagine the MN threads if a couple distributed them at weddings… AIBU to think drinks tokens are tacky and if you can’t trust your guests you shouldn’t have invited them?

Show quote history

Haha definitely. This place would froth at the mouth.
I have been to a few weddings where they were given out. Along with food tokens.
These weren't very formal though, bar and pizza van.
Presumably B&G had paid for X pizzas, so if that number swelled some people would go hungry 😀

RoseAndRose · 01/05/2023 20:17

I've just been to a landmark birthday party in a pub function room.

I think they got it right. Free prosecco for first hour and canapes. Then pay bar. But also provided selection of sliders and lots of cake.

ensayers · 01/05/2023 20:25

I guess it depends on the type of people you're friends with. If your work mates all think it's funny to order bottles of champagne and quadruple spirits just because you're picking up the tab, then I'd be more inclined not to do it at all.

Zanatdy · 01/05/2023 20:29

midgemadgemodge · 01/05/2023 20:01

I hope you appreciate how lucky you are _ it would be miserable to go through life never having a party because you couldn't afford to feed a hoard

Show quote history

I didn’t say I had loads of parties I could afford to put food on. I wouldn’t put on a party without a few platters of food no. People bring gifts and I’d feel terrible not giving them any food. No-one is under an obligation to host a party, have engagement drinks, no need to throw a party you can’t afford.

Rhaenys · 01/05/2023 21:12

I’ve actually never been to a function that’s had any free drinks at all. They have all had free food though.

ToWhitToWhoo · 01/05/2023 21:24

I think that people have the right to throw whatever kind of party they wish and can afford! So in that sense YABU. However, they should not take offence if others can't or won't come to their party, for that reason or any other.

BlueVixen · 01/05/2023 21:32

We must be weird round here then (Suffolk). When I threw my 50th birthday, at my house, and I told everyone not to get me a present, (all girls) they all asked what they could bring for the buffet - insisted. I have a huge table and it was groaning with cheeses, hams, quiches, baguettes, home made pickles, dips, crisps and a variety of desserts. I'd made loads of salads and got wine in - but they all turned up with a bottle (or more) each. Everyone was paying as many visits as they wanted to re-fill with food and wine. It was such a fab night which went on until 4am (none of us had done that for yonks) and people were talking about for ages - in a v positive way! Even when we (in the village) used to have dinner parties, the guest would bring wine and a dessert. At the Mum's and Toddler picnics everyone would bring something and then share things round. However, nothing would ever be said if someone turned up empty handed. I have often made a huge pot of chili or curry though.

Caelan2018 · 01/05/2023 22:06

Why would you go to any party expecting free drinks maybe a few platters of finger food wouldn’t go astray but it’s not their job to feed anyone either

Addymontgomeryfan · 01/05/2023 22:14

I went to a 50th party last year at a local pub. Not unusual here because we are rural so most parties are in the pubs restaurant, but when we arrived it was literally in the pub, no private hire of the restaurant area for space to sit down etc, no food. We were are just crowded in the bar area with all the other drinkers.

Should have expected it really because 6 months earlier it was his partners 50th and a group of us were invited out. The invitation said 'we want to take you for a meal to celebrate partners birthday'. We were all expected to pay for our own meals at the end of the night 😂.

I think some people have very different ideas about parties.

changeme4this · 01/05/2023 22:21

I hosted a party for the DH's 60 birthday milstone at a very nice function type centre not far away, fully catered and paid for. It was a RSVP type thing, yet 10 ten people couldn't be bothered to turn up nor let us know they were not coming.

So much food went to waste and the centre would not allow me to take any of it home. Naturally no refunds either as the catering was certainly supplied for the original numbers.

I swore then that I would never pay for a fully catered event ever again. Can totally see why people might not put on enough food when others can't be arsed to let hosts know they are unable/unwilling to attend, even up to the last minute, only 1 couple offered up an apology several weeks later.

springisintheair74 · 01/05/2023 22:24

Each to their own. When I had a wedding, I decided to save on all the wedding favours (usually tat), as I simply couldn't choose, I decided not to have bridesmaids (but had a best woman, husband had a best man) and had a 2-course meal (instead of 3) with cake only later.

We didn't go for a band but opted for a cheap DJ and instead spent our money treating our friends to a free bar up to an amount (which basically ended up covering the whole evening, only beer/wine not spirits). I always love a long bubbly reception at the start so that's what we had and it was the most fun wedding ever as it was so relaxed and all the guests were jolly and chilled by the time they sat down to the meal.