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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you can't afford to throw a party don't bother?

264 replies

Sundaycoffee · 30/04/2023 18:39

I've been to a couple of engagement parties recently and both of them just hired a pub function room with a minimum spend and expected the guests too buy their own drinks to make up the number.
I'm not necessarily saying it needs to be an unlimited tab behind the bar, but if I was throwing a party for my own engagement I would at least put on a few platters and provide a welcome drink. If I couldn't afford to do that then I wouldn't bother having a party in the first place!

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 30/04/2023 22:08

I would not consider my self a host if I were not providing food and drink for an event that I was hosting. Perhaps, if I along with others were having an informal get together or a potluck event the I would expect attendees to bring food or buy drinks.

But, I suspect that the OP knows her audience, and is familiar with how things are done in her social group. If this is the way that things are normally done, then her guests are not likely to be surprised or offended.

Dogstar78 · 30/04/2023 22:08

Yep in agreement about the food. Recently my BIL and SIL threw a party for my niece's 25 birthday. He is a multimillionaire. It was in an awkward place to get to/ park/ get transport at an awkward time...leaving the house straight after work. Get there have 2 drinks on the tab. Literally no food. Everyone had rushed from work on a Friday eve. Should have asked us 'do you want to the come to the pub and we'll buy you a drink. At least we could have had dinner before we left.

I totally understand how he got so rich!!!

Ohdofuckofdear · 30/04/2023 22:11

Completely agree with you OP if we invite people we pay for everything!

But I also agree that when we're invited to party's as long as there's some food laid out were happy to pay for our own drinks, had to pay for our own food before as well and I do think it's really important though to make people aware before hand what is or isn't being provided.

Mumof228 · 30/04/2023 22:16

@Sundaycoffee I agree. When you invite someone to any sort of party you should have some drinks and food otherwise it's not really a party

Elenorrigbywoes · 30/04/2023 22:19

I agree with you - if I am invited to a party I expect some nibbles, maybe sandwiches/light bites but most definitely a cake. A party needs a cake that is cut up and served during the party just my opinion.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 30/04/2023 22:19

I put on a buffet but didn’t buy anyone drinks! And would never expect it! I’ve never been to a party that had a free drink except a welcome drink at a wedding.

Pushmepullu · 30/04/2023 22:24

I think the fact that it was an engagement party means there was an expectation of a gift. Guests turning up would therefore have an expectation of at least food or drink being offered. If they weren’t and guests had given a present I think they have every right to feel miffed.
When we got married 40 years ago people that hadn’t been invited to the wedding still bought us presents, we reciprocated by giving them a piece of wedding cake.

RunningUpThatMill · 30/04/2023 22:28

Ohdofuckofdear · 30/04/2023 22:11

Completely agree with you OP if we invite people we pay for everything!

But I also agree that when we're invited to party's as long as there's some food laid out were happy to pay for our own drinks, had to pay for our own food before as well and I do think it's really important though to make people aware before hand what is or isn't being provided.

So if I had a party, and invited 50 guests, who are probably going to spend around say £40 each on beer, I'd pay £2000 for their beer, plus food and the cost of the room. Shall we just go with 3 grand?

So every time you have a party, you pay for everything?

momonpurpose · 30/04/2023 22:29

I'm Mexican and in my culture the biggest sin is a party with no food or a party that ran out of food.

Frances0911 · 30/04/2023 22:43

I went to a wedding once, it was in a pub in the middle of no where, and clearly done on the cheap. Left my house at 9 am, arrived at 1pm for a 2pm start. There was no champagne toast, but the first drink was bought by the father of the bride. No canapes and the first food served was a salad buffet at 6pm, which by the time my table went up, I ended up with a slice of ham, potato salad, a bread roll, a few tomatoes and lettuce. Dessert was stale wedding cake.

houselikeashed · 30/04/2023 22:58

We're having a family and friends party for my DD's 18th.
I am having a (not particulary cheap) company come in to do the bar, as I'm hoping it will stop the teenagers from over drinking.

Will provide cold buffet and cake though.

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 23:00

Personally I would probably avoid saying engagement ‘party’ in the invite if there wasn’t some kind of food/drinks on offer for everyone. I would just say something along the lines of ‘come and join us at the pub to celebrate etc’. So I do agree, to me a party is providing your guests with food and drink.

BadBrad · 30/04/2023 23:01

How about just going because you like the person throwing the party and want to celebrate with them? People can be so formal about parties. Id never go to a friend's party and be offended that no drinks were provided. I don't go for the free booze, I go because I like the person who's occasion we are celebrating 🤔

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 30/04/2023 23:04

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2023 20:03

Yes. Poor people shouldn't celebrate anything ever. If they can't afford to keep me in champagne at their engagement do, how will they pander to all my needs at their open bar, accommodation included wedding like I demand?

Show quote history

Poor people, rich people 😳 anyone can say,..... hey its my birthday, wedding, anniversary, fancy a drink? See you in the pub,..... (maybe add..... I'll buy the first round, or not, or Maybe your friends will buy you a drink)

MermaidMummy06 · 30/04/2023 23:09

Happy to pay at the restaurant in lieu of a gift. It's a stretch these days to pay for everyone.

Although I agree something should be offered. I went to a 25th anniversary last year. It was a sit down affair & order/pay for your own - not a cheap restaurant, either. My relative is incredibly tight with money, but there wasn't even free water on the table so DH had to do two trips to the bar for us & DC. Then no nibbles & food order wasn't even taken until 1pm. I had to quietly slip DC snacks I brought from home. Dessert was one of those horrible bakery mock cream cakes big enough for about 10 people (40 in attendance). DH & I said no thanks so there was enough for DC to have some & my DP's admitted later they declined as well because it was obvious not enough to go around.

So no problem ordering my own food/drinks but if you don't put something out it makes you wonder if you're really welcome!

Yfory · 30/04/2023 23:13

So people that cant afford the costs of a party should just stay home?
Poor people arent allowed to have fun. Only those who can afford it.

RunningUpThatMill · 30/04/2023 23:19

@Yfory of course, although I've never been to a celebration, apart from a wedding reception, where there has been a free drink. I think the poor just need to accept that they have better parties and don't need to bribe their friends and family to come to such amazing parties.

2oreosandmilk · 30/04/2023 23:28

I’m my 34 years I’ve never been to a wedding/party/celebration where there has been an entirely free bar. Weddings usually drinks with meal etc and then pay your way, christenings birthdays etc fully expect to buy my own drinks.

Although I have never been to any of these occasions and not had some sort of meal provided.

YABU IMO. If someone invites me for dinner and makes a meal I bring wine, if someone plans and pays for an event with food, I expect to pay for my drinks for the majority.

wingingit1987 · 30/04/2023 23:28

I haven’t been to many parties with welcome drinks that weren’t weddings but I’ve never been to a party without some sort of food/buffet.

Wexone · 30/04/2023 23:34

Totally agree if this was me would be totally mortified.if you hire out a function room in a pub or somewhere with a bar I would expect food to be provided and pay for my drinks at the bar. maybe a glass of prcessco offered to toast if it was a big celebration. recently just had a big birthday bash at my home. I provided snacks aswell as a choice of curry or stew with rice and salad. birthday cake was cur up for dessert. plenty of crisps and nuts. also bought wine beer non alcohol beer and minerals. some people brought their own drink like gin and vodka which was OK. but I made sure they were well fed. saved up for it bought things on offer etc. free bar at weddings us unsual and I have been to about 50. usually processco on arrival wine at table and a toast drink ( did that for mine ) then everyone one pays for their own. I am with you don't do it if you xant afford it be clear or else uts rude

HerRoyalNotness · 30/04/2023 23:35

Yep I’m with you. It’s a social convention. Host a party, guests bring a gift (birthday; engagement, house warming etc) and host provides food and a drink. If you can’t afford it at a venue it’s much cheaper to do at home, even something basic

If you can't afford to throw a party don't bother?
QS90 · 30/04/2023 23:49

No sort of other effort either - if they wanted to do it on the cheap, they could have cooked at their own house and got a few bottles of wine in, but of course this requires more effort that they didn't want to make.

In my experience, it's usually this crowd who don't want to fork out any money for other people's celebrations either, when the boot's on the other foot...

Strawberrydelight78 · 30/04/2023 23:49

The only time I have been to an event where we got a drink on arrival is weddings. I wouldn't expect a drink on arrival at any other party. I would never go to a party without having something to eat anyway. Not just because there might not be anything to eat. But also because I wouldn't want to be starving and make a pig of myself.

SemperIdem · 30/04/2023 23:58

I think engagement parties are tacky but yes, would think the couple throwing the party would have some sort of catering etc.

crazyaboutcats · 01/05/2023 00:15

I hate parties at venues where the cost of the hire is in the price of the drinks with a minimum spend that guests are expected to cover.

I've found they often have a weird atmosphere with anxious hosts wondering if enough people have turned up or if they're buying enough drinks and stressed if not, a clique of people who are in on the hosts tab, older people wondering why they can't have a glass of water and shocked at the price they're selling bottles for, and people being stung with extortionate ATM withdrawal fees, card fees or min spends because of course these venues do that too.

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