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Original poster

If you can't afford to throw a party don't bother?

264 replies

Sundaycoffee · 30/04/2023 18:39

I've been to a couple of engagement parties recently and both of them just hired a pub function room with a minimum spend and expected the guests too buy their own drinks to make up the number.
I'm not necessarily saying it needs to be an unlimited tab behind the bar, but if I was throwing a party for my own engagement I would at least put on a few platters and provide a welcome drink. If I couldn't afford to do that then I wouldn't bother having a party in the first place!

OP posts:
Katherine1985 · 30/04/2023 20:59

Are Engagement parties popular these days 🤔 Probably missing the point of thread.

I thought they were announced, and maybe celebrated by a night out with friends and a small family celebration, but don’t seem to hear of actual parties so much any more

TheHandbag · 30/04/2023 21:00

DorisDolabella · 30/04/2023 20:28

It depends on your circumstances. When I married my husband we had no money. I hired a hall, hired some DJ equipment and a friend DJd. I picked a venue with a cheap bar. For the wedding breakfast I said I wasn't excluding anyone but you would have to pay for your own meal. We went to the local Italian. Work did my cake, my best friend bought my dress and my father in law bought champagne for a toast. My sister sorted a car. No dress code. It is still remembered as being a lovely wedding as it was so low key and relaxed. We said we didn't need presents but if they wanted to give us vouchers for Currys we would put it towards a washing machine. The best man did the photos and my father in law played us in to the registry office as he played the bagpipes. People gave us money in the end. We made a small profit on the day and had no stress

Surely the point of getting married isnt to make a profit from your guests. Sorry, I think that's a bit crass and not very hospitable.

Snugglemonkey · 30/04/2023 21:02

springisintheair74 · 30/04/2023 20:13

And is engagement parties a thing now? Never happened back in the day. It was a hen/stag do, then the wedding.

I had an engagement party 23 years ago. We were skint students and provided no drinks, but we did provide a really nice buffet.

Nsky62 · 30/04/2023 21:04

Went out with close friends and neighbours to a pub for my 60th, I paid for their food, from menu, drinks included, was clearly stated on invite.
family party all food and drink included

PollyPeptide · 30/04/2023 21:08

We made a small profit on the day and had no stress.
It is still remembered as being a lovely wedding as it was so low key and relaxed.

By you. 😂

BelleMarionette · 30/04/2023 21:11

PollyPeptide · 30/04/2023 21:08

We made a small profit on the day and had no stress.
It is still remembered as being a lovely wedding as it was so low key and relaxed.

By you. 😂

Agreed with this. It's also cheeky to ask for gifts on top of guests to pay for their own meal!

LimeBasilu · 30/04/2023 21:13

YANBU; they could take the money they spent on the function room and put on a cracking spread and drinks in their own home! House parts are much better!

LimeBasilu · 30/04/2023 21:13

LimeBasilu · 30/04/2023 21:13

YANBU; they could take the money they spent on the function room and put on a cracking spread and drinks in their own home! House parts are much better!

*parties!

Chevybaby · 30/04/2023 21:15

My friends and I are all livin la Vida broka . We have lots of parties to celebrate one and others’ milestones and achievements. There is almost never any food and certainly no free drinks and presents are often home made or repurposed and we all have a very nice time. I would try not to get your knickers in a twist about a free glass of fizz and a couple of little sandwiches .

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 21:16

Have to add I've never been to an engagement party. I think different sectors of society do things differently.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 21:17

Also I'm so old fortunately that I've never heard the whiff of a baby shower party anywhere near me.

Moonlightdust · 30/04/2023 21:19

ILostMyself · 30/04/2023 19:05

I once went to an anniversary party at a local hall that was specified 80’s fancy dress. So everyone went to the effort/expense of getting special outfits and when we got there the only food was a few bowls of cheesy puffs.

It was a pay bar (fine) but they had got in some super expensive bar company that brings the alcohol and serves it and the drinks were London prices (we are not in London!!). This was at a bog standard village hall!

But even more annoying, they had got a LIVE band to come and play music all night (they didn’t even play any 80s music!!) and the couple celebrating came dressed as 90’s characters too. It was so bizarre! Everyone said they would have rather they played music on a stereo and spent the live band money on some food. We laugh about it now!

Similar to when we went to a fancy dress at a village hall for a big birthday party. Told to bring our own alcohol, which is fair enough, but the only food available was a van with sky high prices 🙈

Katherine1985 · 30/04/2023 21:27

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 21:17

Also I'm so old fortunately that I've never heard the whiff of a baby shower party anywhere near me.

Same here!!

The only time I heard of one (20 years ago now) was when we lived abroad and some American expats organised a baby shower for a 1st time mum

Brokendownclotheshorse · 30/04/2023 21:32

I kind of agree and think that a lot of people are bad hosts nowadays. I saved for a couple of years before my 40th so I could host a party. I didn’t have a free bar but got catering and had free soft drinks. I also made it clear that there was a paid bar so people weren’t caught out. I think most people don’t expect free drinks but there should be food at a party.

I think a lot of it depends on how things are framed and managing expectations. If someone said to me do you want to go out for drinks to celebrate x,y,z I wouldn’t expect for them to pay.

I have a friend who always organises elaborate things for her birthday but expects everyone to pay for themselves. The thing that annoys me is that there is always a lot of pressure to attend. I don’t think this is fair when things are expensive. If you want people to attend you have to be willing to host sometimes.

I also have friends who have a lot of money but are too stingy to pay. Instead of just booking a karaoke room and covering the host they will ask everyone for a tenner to cover the cost. I find this a bit cringey when you get to a certain age! People have unrealistic expectations on how important their occasions are.

HauntedPencil · 30/04/2023 21:34

If I was invited to a party in a function room I guess I'd expect a bit of finger food/nibbles at least. I don't think I'd be super offended if not there

AnneElliott · 30/04/2023 21:37

I think engagement parties are a bit of an old fashioned thing? My parents had one in 1970 - but they provided all the food and drink - although it was held at a relatives house and not a venue. I haven't been to any- and we didn't have one either.

I do expect food at a party. Wouldn't expect a free bar but if you don't provide anything then you're not really hosting?

Katherine1985 · 30/04/2023 21:41

BelleMarionette · 30/04/2023 21:11

Agreed with this. It's also cheeky to ask for gifts on top of guests to pay for their own meal!

Show quote history

But this poster clearly stated they had ‘no money’ when they got married. This used to be more the case. Couples were younger and were setting up home from scratch. My aunt had to run up the road at the last minute to buy 2 more plates the first time they had people over for a meal after they got married and moved in together.

I love this poster’s description of her wedding - the various offers involved, the resourcefulness and goodwill - that’s what people responded to and that’s why it’s been remembered. The couple weren’t being grabby by saying upfront that people would need to pay for their meal but didn’t have to buy a present. A local Italian restaurant then is not the same as wedding caterer prices. And as stated in the post - this was the only way they could make the day inclusive.

Selttan · 30/04/2023 21:47

For me the difference between a party where some food and a few drinks are provided vs let's have some drinks to celebrate is how much I'll spend on a present (or if I'll give a present at all).

randomfemthinker · 30/04/2023 21:48

It depends on the definition of party, though. It can look all sorts of ways and wouldn't the wedding be the main celebration, anyway? An engagement is more "we hope to get married sometime".

Katherine1985 · 30/04/2023 21:50

above quote was referencing @DorisDolabella post about wedding celebration

whattheactualfcukhashappend · 30/04/2023 21:51

Party = hospitality.Simples

Minierme · 30/04/2023 21:55

Sissynova · 30/04/2023 18:43

@Sundaycoffee If I couldn't afford to do that then I wouldn't bother having a party in the first place!

So if you don’t have any extra money you aren’t allowed to celebrate anything with friends and family?

Yeah, what a mad idea. None of my friends can afford to fund everyone’s drinks at a party. I still enjoy celebrating with them! I hate the way mumsnet implies only the well off are allowed to celebrate. Ridiculous and thankfully my entire social circle ignore this idea entirely. We bring and share, we bring food to BBQs, we go out for parties in pubs and buy our own food and drink. None of this causes any offence. I’m not convinced real people are offended. I think it’s people who neither host or attend parties who are perpetuating this silly idea.

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/04/2023 21:58

I’ve never put on drinks, even a welcome drink (except at our wedding of course) but would always assume there would be a buffet / food of some sort for it to be considered a party, otherwise it’s surely considered ‘meeting for drinks’.

BelleMarionette · 30/04/2023 21:59

Katherine1985 · 30/04/2023 21:41

But this poster clearly stated they had ‘no money’ when they got married. This used to be more the case. Couples were younger and were setting up home from scratch. My aunt had to run up the road at the last minute to buy 2 more plates the first time they had people over for a meal after they got married and moved in together.

I love this poster’s description of her wedding - the various offers involved, the resourcefulness and goodwill - that’s what people responded to and that’s why it’s been remembered. The couple weren’t being grabby by saying upfront that people would need to pay for their meal but didn’t have to buy a present. A local Italian restaurant then is not the same as wedding caterer prices. And as stated in the post - this was the only way they could make the day inclusive.

Show quote history

They said they asked for vouchers, which seems rather cheeky given they also asked for guests to pay for their meals. If asking guests to pay, it would have been courteous to at least decline gifts.

Sweetlikecandy · 30/04/2023 22:03

For our wedding, we put a couple of bottles of wine/vodka on each table for the guests.