Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son unhappy with PE uniform

170 replies

Samanya16 · 30/04/2023 13:22

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 13:24

I would write the note.

myheartmyhead · 30/04/2023 13:25

Its obviously bothering him.
Write the note

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/04/2023 13:25

YANBU

HOWEVER, I have been a self-conscious teenager and think maybe a chat about body positivity is needed.

BibbleandSqwauk · 30/04/2023 13:26

Well I disagree with your general dismissing of his feelings but if he's self conscious, he will stand out far more wearing a shirt that noone else is wearing than if he's bare chested along with all the other boys. I'd try that tack first, but if he is isn't receptive, I'd write the note. He's not asking to get out of it completely, which many young people would.

AngelicInnocent · 30/04/2023 13:26

Why shouldn't he be self conscious. Body autonomy extends to what bits of your body you show and covers males as well as females

Backtobed · 30/04/2023 13:28

Wow i can't believe how nasty you are being.

Your child has come to you for help because he is obviously very insecure and you've basically told him you don't care. How would you like to walk around your peers showing off your biggest insecurity?

mistermagpie · 30/04/2023 13:39

Write the note. He might still not be allowed to wear it, but these things matter and it's really quite a small thing to ask for your support with.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/04/2023 13:42

I would write the note and support your son to attend the swimming sessions.

Hellocatshome · 30/04/2023 13:45

Write the note. This is a simple thing that will help him feel more confident. Does he have a particular reason for feeling self conscious? That could be something to work on in future but right now he needs your help to access swimming so why would you not help him.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/04/2023 13:47

Write the note.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 13:49

Are you always so dismissive of his worries and concerns? Remember you didn’t care when he doesn’t come to you as an adult and involve you in his life.

missmollygreen · 30/04/2023 13:50

Seems unfair that the girls can fully cover up, but the boys cant

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 30/04/2023 13:52

He's going to feel a lot more self conscious wearing something completely different to the other boys.
What is it he's self conscious about? You need really to help him get to the bottom of that and work on his self acceptance.
Is it his weight? At either extreme? Bad skin? Hair?
He's a 15 year old boy so any of those things could cause a reaction like he's having.
I think you should speak to the school rather than write the note and try and get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to expose his top half.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 30/04/2023 13:53

missmollygreen · 30/04/2023 13:50

Seems unfair that the girls can fully cover up, but the boys cant

Oh yes, let's send them in with their tits out for the lads shall we? What a puerile comment.

WantToBeHappyAndHealthy · 30/04/2023 13:55

This is horrible. I'd hate for somebody to force me to wear a bikini and show off my stomach.

Why are you not supporting your child in this? I can't imagine not doing something so menial as writing a note if it meant my child was so much happier.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/04/2023 13:56

The girls vs boys comments are irrelevant. If you have a way to make your child less self conscious why wouldn't you not take that route rather then making them feel embarrassed for an hour or two. That is not going to fix them feeling self conscious ffs

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/04/2023 13:56

*would you not

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 13:57

sparepantsandtoothbrush · Today 13:56
The girls vs boys comments are irrelevant. If you have a way to make your child less self conscious why wouldn't you not take that route rather then making them feel embarrassed for an hour or two. That is not going to fix them feeling self conscious ffs”

Absolutely this.

joan12 · 30/04/2023 14:02

The boys Vs girls comment is not irrelevant. Boys bodies today are also sexualised on social media. You are asking him to expose his pecs/six pack/breasts (yes boys do have them!);or lack thereof to all his peers. I would write the note in a heartbeat!

KnittedCardi · 30/04/2023 14:03

I wouldn't write a note either OP. We need to encourage our children to be themselves. To have confidence in who they are. Have a really good in depth talk with him. What's his fear, what's his hang up? Everyone is different. Get him to watch Naked Education.

It's really sad he feels the need to cover up.

1offnamechange · 30/04/2023 14:04

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 30/04/2023 13:53

Oh yes, let's send them in with their tits out for the lads shall we? What a puerile comment.

Show quote history

Oh grow up, it was very obvious that the poster was suggesting the boys should be allowed to wear more clothes if they wanted, not that the girls should wear less, ffs! And it's a fair point, 'standard' swim wear for girls is a swimsuit, shorts aren't usually worn in a swimming pool, so if they are making an exception for girls why not for boys?

I agree with the posters that are surprised he wouldn't feel more self-conscious being the only boy wearing a top but if he accepts that I would write the note. Although I think if he's that worried it would be better to ring and speak to the teacher/email them in advance rather than DS trying to pass the teacher a note when they are already busy and trying to sort out the class.

As another poster said, if he's that self conscious fair play that he's at least pro-actively thinking of ways around it rather than just trying to get off PE completely. Also agree that this could be a good way to lead in to why he feels self conscious about his body and to work on it.

Sirzy · 30/04/2023 14:06

At his age I would be encouraging, and helping and supporting, him to contact his PE teacher/head of year to ask rather than just doing it for him but I would support it.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 30/04/2023 14:06

Backtobed · 30/04/2023 13:28

Wow i can't believe how nasty you are being.

Your child has come to you for help because he is obviously very insecure and you've basically told him you don't care. How would you like to walk around your peers showing off your biggest insecurity?

The OP isn’t being nasty and nowhere has she said she doesn’t care.

You, on the other hand, are being nasty.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 30/04/2023 14:06

Coming from a different angle, I was always covered up as much as possible at that age. In my case it was due to nasty comments and marks from self harm. Your stupid response to your child would have done me a hell of a lot more harm than it would have good. Perhaps you should reconsider your stance, whilst checking exactly what his underlying reason for not wanting to be on display is incase its something more. Your poor son.

Theredjellybean · 30/04/2023 14:08

I would not write the note either
it is about building some resilience into our young people and being body conscious is surely pretty normal in teenagers.
I know on Mn it is the done thing to think our Dc are 'special' and need special considerations etc. and their feelings are always paramount...but this seems a pretty simple way to start the lesson that no you are not special, no just cus you feel a certain way does not mean you can do something everyone else is not allowed to.
you can be sympathetic and emphasize with how he is feeling but that does not mean you go out of your way to make school change or bend the rules for your child