Son unhappy with PE uniform

[Samanya16]

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

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Why should he have to have his top half exposed if he doesn't want to.

We wouldn't accept girls/ woman being told they must wear a 2 piece with mid drift in show.

Thank you for your honest advice, but I am hurt some have suggested I don't care about my son.

Of course I care, and it makes me very sad that he feels self-conscious. I have discussed this with him to try to find out why, as he isn't an unhealthy weight or anything like that, but he doesn't want to talk about it. I just feel that he would stand out wearing the shirt as some have said, and also that it would send a message to him that he does indeed have something he needs to hide (which he doesn't).

I think there are two separate issues that you need to deal with:

1. of course he should be allowed to cover up if that’s his preference. How would you react if they told your daughter she could only wear a skimpy bikini top? That’s his body and he should choose who sees it.
2. Why does he want to wear a top? If there are underlying body image issues, then you need to help him work through this (but definitely not by insisting he strips off in front of his peers).

I agree that if he covers up he's drawing way more attention to himself. But I'd want an honest conversation to get to the bottom of what's bothering him.

Write the note. If the school says no, then they say no, but at least you've listened to and acted upon your DS's wishes, I don't think he's BU but you are a bit if you don't at least try to facilitate this for him.

I think wearing a top will draw more unwanted attention than being bare chested. However, nobody should be made to expose their body if they don’t want to regardless of sex.

I would write the note.

If the schools says no (which is what I'd expect), then at least your son knows you're on his side.

I would, however, also point that he may feel a lot more self-conscious if he's the only one dressed differently to the others.

He needs to man up and get over his self-consciousness otherwise it will stay with him his whole life.

Different kids feel differently - it is not about what shape he is but about how he feels.

He wants to wear a swim top.

Is this a reasonable request? Yes.

School PE is extremely damaging for many young people, the way it is taught remains a disgrace and PE teachers are too often dismissive of the needs of young people.

I would write the note, I think what he wants is absolutely unremarkable.

Yes because telling someone to “man up” is a well known method to solve problems isn’t it!

I think you should write the note. It’s up to the school if they accept the request.
it will show your support and maybe help him feel more at ease to discuss with you if there is something bothering him?

Oh yes that well known bit of advise to 'man up is there any wonder suicide is the biggest killer or young men. If this was a girl with body confidence issues you wouldn't be telling her to just man up and get over jt.

How is wearing a t-shirt to swim when everyone else is not, going to make him feel any less self-conscious? It's waving a big flag saying "I am embarrassed and self-conscious about my body"?

I'd write the note and then he will have the choice when it comes down to getting changed whether he wears the top or not when he's with his friends getting changed.

My understanding was it is a rash ves not a t shirt. Perfectly appropriate swimwear. Lots of surfers, my own sons included, get used to wearing them and so wear them in the pool as well as the sea.

I would say exactly the same thing if it was a girl. I felt self-conscious when doing PE at school, but I pretended I didn't, and then after a while, I wasn't self-conscious anymore. The same as the vast majority of my classmates. It's part of growing up.

Swimming vests aren't t.shirts. Ds wears one as he has horrible acne on his back of which he's very self conscious. Being self conscious is nothing to do with 'manning' up ffs...what a crappy attitude.

I’d write the note if he thinks it would help. If he’s a healthy weight it could be something like he has stretch marks on his back from growing taller quickly. There’s also a lot of pressure on lads to have muscles at that age. Or he may just feel uncomfortable like many teens do.

It’s a hard age. Help him where you can.

Good for you I'm glad that worked out but there are many examples where it doesn't work that way. OP knows her son best but if a 15 year old has got to the stage of asking for help its often best to try to help them not dismiss their feelings.

You shouldn’t write the note. Your son needs to learn that sometimes you can’t just have everything your own way and at 15 he’s old enough to understand that. He stands a good chance of being laughed at by his peers if he does wear a T shirt, so it looks like he’s in for it, whatever he does. But you do need to pay attention to his obvious worries and try and help him overcome his self consciousness.

Or let the lads cover up too perhaps? What an odd take on a sensible suggestion.

I think you should be supportive and accept his feelings as valid and understandable. It's no surprise that a teen feels this way.

But I would not write the note because while feelings may be difficult it doesn't mean they can be avoided.

The kit is standard and in the end your sons best interests lie learning to face difficulties and reality - while providing kindness and encouragement.

I am with you OP. If he was recovering from surgery or had a medical condition that affected his appearance, I might think differently, but from what you describe this is not the case. The comment about him standing out by wearing a swim shirt seems a fair one too.

I wouldn’t write the note. I get that he would be self conscious and anxious, but no one, literally no one will give a toss. He’ll soon realise that.

I think he'll be picked on mercilessly if he's the only one in a rash vest. I'd tell him this would most likely be the case and see what he says. Is there a reason? Physical issue?