Son unhappy with PE uniform

[Samanya16]

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

I would write the note. I imagine he must be feeling quite anxious if he's asked for help with this. There is a lot of pressure for teenage boys to look a certain way, it's no longer only girls who feel the pressure. Also, it's been the norm for him. I think schools need a big rethink about things like this.

Write the note.

All these posters saying 'build his resilience' WTF??

How about at work tomorrow you're all asked to strip down into your undies as part of a team exercise? How would you feel? Nobody should be asked to wear less clothing than they feel comfortable with.

Swimming lessons at 15 isn't really suitable, especially mixed. It's the peak time for feeling terrible about your body, and likely to cause more harm than benefit. If they do have to happen the children should be permitted to swim in whatever they feel comfortable in.

Self consciousness is something most of us outgrow naturally (I think I was about 20). There's no point rushing that or belittling those feelings.

Just one thought OP - have you seen him bare chested yourself recently ? Could he have self harm marks you are not aware of?

Swimming lessons at 15 isn't really suitable, especially mixed. It's the peak time for feeling terrible about your body, and likely to cause more harm than benefit. If they do have to happen the children should be permitted to swim in whatever they feel comfortable in.

This - totally. In fact in your shoes op I would be emailing the school to say that their policy about swimwear needs to be more flexible and pupils of both sexes should be allowed to wear a swim top if they want.

If I was contacting the school it would be about whether or not swimming lessons should be mixed. Thinking about the girls.

Lets use a little common sense eh, thats clearly the opposite of what I meant

As someone who feels self-conscious fat at the beach, I can tell you that the swim shirt (whatever that is, but I'm guessing a UV type top!) will make him stand out a million times more.

"Man up"eh.
And people wonder where toxic masculinity comes from

DP would have taken the Victorian costume without hesitation.

It's why he hasn't been in a swimming pool since childhood.

All that will happen about being forced to expose more of his body than he is comfortable to is that he'll 'forget' his kit every week. Even if it results in a detention every week. After all, he isn't able to resort to what we used to protest about having to walk across the school site in our costumes in front of all and sundry, including in midwinter with snow and slush on the ground and say he's got his period.

All the arguments about body autonomy seem to vanish when it's boys not wanting to be exposed. I wonder why?

It didn’t work that way for me. I felt self conscious. I wore the PE kit anyway and took part because I didn’t think there was an option not to. I felt mortified and humiliated, and it’s still amongst my worst memories. It took me a long time to get over.

I’d write the note, I’d fight if they refused, and if they didn’t allow it I’d keep him off school swimming if that’s what he wanted. Nobody would put my child through that.

The point is that HE feels more comfortable and it allows him to feel confident. Not what anyone else thinks of the swim shirt.

Yes this. I have a family member very self conscious about a certain part of their body so much so they keep it covered up in circumstances where it is unusual to do so. To me it seems like this draws more attention than if they didn't cover up but it makes them feel less self conscious and therefore they do it. What I or other people think is irrelevant.

I think the solution is a lot more complicated than whether to write a note or not. What if you write the note and teacher says no?

Just because you don’t give in to every teenage whim doesn’t mean you aren’t sympathetic, it’s much better for them to learn how to face up to their fears, and discover that what they were dreading was all in their head. That’s how you help build confidence.
If the games teacher is sympathetic I think DS needs to go and discuss this with them. Personally, I can’t think of a better way to get the piss mercilessly taken out of you for the rest of the school year (and possibly the rest of your whole school career, up to and including any future school reunions) than being the only one wearing a swim vest.

I’d write the note. It doesn’t seem fair that girls can pop on swim shirts over their one piece if they feel self-conscious but boys have to go bare chested?

^Swim shorts.

MAN UP???
Jesus H Christ! I thought that attitude left at the beginning of the 21st century! You know suicide is the biggest killer of men 16-24 right? That feeling self conscious and having low self esteem is the biggest cause of depression amongst teens of BOTH sexes? There is no MANNING UP, men and boys are allowed feelings too, about time dinosaurs like you realised the facts that attitudes like this are literally killing people!

Wearing a T-shirt while swimming isn't going to help his self-esteem. It's not going to improve anything. Wearing swimming trunks and realising that nobody cares is going to have a far more positive effect.

Is he overweight OP, worried about mobs? I think a note to the pe teacher making the request is a reasonable adjustment which won’t be a h and s issue, but will support your sons confidence. He might only need to wear it once when he sees the range of development among the boys in the class and realises he is part of a wide spectrum of body shapes.

It should be his choice though? I’d never force a teen girl to wear a bikini with thong bottoms.

Exactly. As adults we almost always get to decide how much of our bodies we want to show to others.

I can’t think of any real reason he shouldn’t wear one other than a dogmatic insistence that boys should be bare-chested for swimming. It’s not as if it creates a safety issue.

Did he say he was self-conscious? I am asking because both of my sons could care less about what their bodies look like at the swimming pool but they both insist on more coverage than just swim shorts. The middle one doesn't like being cold so he has an all-in-one suit with 3/4 length sleeves and legs. The older one reacts to the chlorine and it is worst on his chest. The youngest is a girl she has a shorts and top combo because she struggles to manage the bathroom with a one piece. I prefer a t-shirt over the swimming costume too and I would wear leggings as well if our local pool hadn't banned them (I had activewear ones which were only for swimming but they are not allowed anymore).

Are you for real?! Write the note ffs. Don't be that parent. He'll always remember it and you will not come off well.

I was going to ask t same question but my thoughts were more along the lines of Pectus excavatum or similar.

Why not talk to the school first, before assuming it will be a "fight".

We've had quite a few adaptations requests for religious or cultural reasons, SEN reasons or self consciousness reasons. As long as the swimming instructors were happy with it , it was all good.

While I work in primary, there wasn't any teasing or much fuss either because x is wearing swim shoes/sock, or y is wearing a rash vest or z has an arms and legs (partially)covered all in one thingy.

Jeez just write the note. Whya r you so nasty to your own child. Your poor son is having some issues you need to support him