Son unhappy with PE uniform

[Samanya16]

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

I thought this
Girls have the option of shorts, persuambly if they are self conscious of "flashing" anything downstairs. Why can't boys wear a swim shirt to cover up more too?

Write the note OP, let him know you understand his concerns.

Give him a Victorian era men's swimming costume and tell him he can either wear that or Speedos.

Have you actually had a chat with him about WHY he wants to wear one rather than assuming?

I'd write the note. Girls are allowed to cover up and wear shorts etc. They're 15, there will be girls on their period not wanting to do it and all sorts, I doubt your son will stand out.

I wouldn’t write the note unless as a last resort. It’s just helping him to avoid his feelings which doesn’t teach him any resiliency.

I think training resiliency would look like him becoming aware of what’s coming up for him when he’s in that situation, and helping him understand whatever dodgy beliefs might be behind the feelings (eg I look x therefore I’m not popular, people will laugh at me etc) and helping him pick better beliefs (eg if people laugh that’s about their own insecurities, how my body looks doesn’t define who I am, I’m loved whatever by the people who matter to me etc).

If it’s actually reasonable beliefs like eg covering up self harm scars which exposes a vulnerability that could be easily exploited/bullies in a high school environment, then I’d write the note.

I think expecting teens to be semi naked at any point, against their will, is horrible and hopefully will at some point become a thing of the past. Rash vests, swim vests, swim shorts are all available and perfectly fine to exercise in.

Would you and your husband be happy to strip off at work conference for a swim with colleagues against your will?

Your son has asked for your support to help him with something he feels embarrassed/ashamed/anxious/worried about.

You should show him you support him,

Spell out your concerns, of course, but I think it's really important to stand up for him as he's asked you to.

Or
Telling him to man up and get over it will make him think his feelings aren't valid

Some of these comments ffs. Write the note & help your son feel more comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.

Will he be the only one wearing a top (if he’s allowed to)? In which case he’ll be making himself an object of interest. Isn’t it normal for 15 year old boys to be bare-chested? Write the note if you want but I’m not sure it will help. I’d be more inclined to have a conversation with him about the pros and cons of writing the note and also of making himself a look different.

The girls option is not just about 'flashing' but a second layer in case of a period starting unexpectedly.

How is wearing a shirt while swimming going to make him feel more comfortable? It won't. It'll make him feel less comfortable as he will be telling all the other kids that he is embarrassed of his body.

He's self conscious now, telling him he shouldn't be could well make it worse. He's uncomfortable in his body, as many are at that age because their bodies are still changing etc.

I find it quite telling that so many think the other kids will all turn to bullying him if he wears it as well. Whereas, whilst some cruel people, might its also as likely to inspire other boys to realise that they can cover up if they're uncomfortable too. Or even open up conversations amongst themselves about why they feel that way. Teens are quite perceptive sometimes.

In the water it doesn't make a difference to have an extra layer because it will all just mix into the water any way.

And it's an option to allow them to be more covered up. Which is the point.

His feelings are valid but part of being an adult is dealing with and overcoming negative emotions.

Tell him that a swim tshirt will only draw more attention to him . Everyone will look at him

And get to the bottom if why he is so insecure about his body. You say he isn't overweight. But then what is it.??You can help him.

I'd write the note (simply to show I listened and supported him), but I see your perspective too OP. Sometimes confidence is gained from overcoming scary things, and it can be empowering.

Impressed that there are secondary schools offering swimming for yr10s. Private school maybe.

My teenage boys always wear rash vests swimming, they protect from the sun so they've grown up wearing them. I disagree with other posters who suggest he'd be bullied for wearing one.

I'd write the note. Feeling rubbish about pe kit, in my case gym knickers with a tshirt tucked in (on a military base of all places) was a contributory factor to my teenage dislike of sport (and men) even though I was good at it. Knowing that I'd tried to change the rules and that my parents had supported me softened the pill slightly even though we were overruled and threatened with demerits.

Telling him to man up and get over it is invalidating his feelings and saying they don't matter

You can't force someone to feel confident and you can't make them feel less embarrassed by forcing them to wear less than they want.

What you're suggesting makes no logical sense.

There is nothing negative about wanting to wear a swim top.

Part of being an adult is not having to swim topless if you don't want to.

People bully children to do things adults are at liberty not to do.

Write the note OP. He's asking you for help here and whilst you don't seem to know the reason, he obviously has felt able to come to you. Don't underestimate that.
Body confidence and resilience are not built through feelings of humiliation. It's such a small thing to do but probably took a lot for him to ask.

Write the note.

Rashies are compulsory for school swimming in my area. No getting into the pool without one on. For me it’s a no brainer that he should be allowed to wear the sun shirt.

I would just write the note. What's the big deal? So the school might say no but then that's on them and he'll just have to go with it.
My son is 6 and currently prefers to wear a swimming top. It's no problem. His swimming instructor is wearing one, too. I wear a rash vest and swimming shorts on top of my swimsuit when I teach school swimming. Several of my boys (we had swimming between January and April) felt cold in the pool and I even suggested they get a top.
If he then feels self-conscious with the top on, he can always take it off again.

Glad you are not my mum. No reason not to write the note he is obviously self conscious and forcing him to do something when a simple note will help us just storing up trouble for the future. By all means gave a chat with him but you need to be supporting him otherwise he won’t bother coming to you again when he has issues

You realise that being dismissive of what you regard as a minor inconvenience means he won't come to you with any other concerns, ones that you might see as big issues? Write the note, let him know he can trust you with his worries now and in the future