Son unhappy with PE uniform

[Samanya16]

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

But the point is, irrespective of any of those things, your DS will feel like you supported him/had his back if you write the note. Which is presumably what you want him to feel?

This is exactly what I was going to post.

He probably won't be the only one. Lots of boys will feel the same as they don't look like the media ideals.
My DS would have skived school rather than wear swim shorts in front of both boys and girls.

This post is a prime example of how MN needs a like button!

Seems to me that both should be able to cover up. There are kids with scars they want to hide.

Brilliant post @gannett

It doesn’t matter why he wants to wear more clothing. He is perfectly entitled to keep his body covered if he wishes. No one should be pressured to expose their body. There is a world of swimwear available that is completely functional and comfortable.

the only requirement should be that he wears something safe for swimming. Not street clothing so it doesn’t bring in dirt and not something that can become waterlogged. There is an argument to be made for reasonably form fitting if they are working on perfecting technique, but I seriously doubt a school swimming class is getting that precise.

its not tedious to think resilience is a skill we need to help instill and develop in our young people.
It is very well posters saying this young man's feelings trump everything else and he should not be made to do something he feels uncomfortable about, but following on from that argument, would same posters be happy that every teenager who was feeling self conscious about something and didn't want to do it got a note to exempt them ?
what if it was a teen girl saying 'i feel self conscious in a full swim suit , its clammy and sticks to me and i want to wear a skimpy bikini to swim lessons ?'
or the teenage who says they feel self conscious being made to answer questions in class - should they be allowed to not be asked questions or not be made to answer out loud ?
Being able to tolerate our own distress is learn that the world will not end because of it is a very valuable skill.

The first one never happens and for the second one, yes adaptations are actually made. The horror!

In fact , adaptations are always ok as long as they are reasonable and for a legitimate reason.

That's not being weak or lacking resilience, that's giving people the opportunity to actually do their best.

Your response is immature.
Obviously the poster is saying boys should be allowed to cover up as well as girls.

OP
Support your son. Write the note. Don't dismiss his feelings. Anxiety can ve crippling. Positivity chats are good but only if you're supporting him but you may need to remind him school might have final say in the matter.

I’m on team ‘write the note’.

There is absolutely no common sense reason why boys have to be bare chested. Why can’t they wear a swim vest?

I would check to see if it is allowed by the pool, and lead with that.

I hate how schools get so bogged down in idiocies like uniform. Swimming is a valuable life skill, one not everyone is able to gain outside school hours. It is a shame so many schools decide that apparel is the hill to die on.

And finally- to everyone saying that he should just deal with it- I presume you would all be happy to don a bikini and go swimming with everyone in your workplace?

Adaptations are made all the time for teenagers who feel self conscious answering questions in class, wether that be because they have braces or a stutter or just general anxiety.

We have moved on a lot from when I was at school in the late 80s early 90s and thank God because so many people still have hang ups from things they were forced to do in the name of resilience at school.

As an adult if he is uncomfortable, he won't go to a mixed swimming event in trunks. He'll be able to just say no himself.

We didnt have social media giving us unrealistic ideas of 'perfect 'bodies and ways of life.

However, the anxiety did exist back in the 'old' days and I know many classmates (and myself) that wrote our own notes on behalf of our parents to be excused from swimming or pe because we were too self conscious in the required uniform. Lucky for us no one bothered to check with our parents.

We still grew up fine despite missing swimming and pe but its a shame we missed opportunities because of clothing.

Being forced to remove clothes to uncover and expose more than what you want to doesnt build confidence or resilience. It does the opposite.

"Giving people the opportunity to do their best" is a great way of putting it.

The people who drone on about resilience never ask - resilience for the sake of what? What's the point in resilience for no purpose at all? Adaptations to swimwear rules harm no one and cause no inconvenience. Adults get to wear whatever swimwear they want so a better preparation for adulthood would be to extend the same courtesy to adolescents.

To be honest the younger generation will have to develop more resilience on a larger scale than we've ever had to, growing up into the current world, and they know it. I view Gen Z requesting reasonable adaptations as clawing back what they can in a world that's both increasingly hostile to difference and endangered from climate change.

This thread is bizarre, even by MN standards.

Firstly, I'm surprised any school thinks mixed-sex swimming lessons for 15 year olds is a sensible idea! I work in a secondary school and there's no way we would do this. It will be a deeply uncomfortable experience for many kids, for a number of reasons.

As for those claiming that being forced to take his top off in front of his class is going to teach OP's son some sort of important life lesson or "prepare him for adulthood", what a load of nonsense! Since when is bare-chested swimming an essential life skill? Shouldn't we be teaching kids that they have a right to bodily autonomy? As an adult no one would question my "resilience" if I didn't want to strip down to my underwear in mixed company so why is it so essential for OP's son to do so? I always find it strange that we hold children and teenagers to a much higher standard than adults and then when they struggle we blame them for a lack of "resilience".

I'm equally baffled by those telling OP to "expect the school to refuse" this perfectly reasonable request. Why?? Will wearing a rash vest hinder his ability to swim in any way or pose a risk to his safety or that of others? Of course not. I cannot think of a single reason why the school would care.

Mixed sex swimming is perfectly normal. Well it was at my school, many years ago. And it is at my kids’ school. They’re teenagers. It’s PE 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it is normal at all, I never did it and our school doesn't either.

It can feel embarrassing at 13/14/15 to be so exposed in front of the other sex. Not everyone feels that way, but it is not unusual.

Galas were mixed sex, but they were self-selecting.

The forcing of young people to be in situations like this causes more problems not fewer. Schools are quite intimidating places for some, it is nothing like being on a beach of strangers.

Sure it’s normal. Because you’ve not experienced it, doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. I mean, school everywhere have swim squads.

Thank you for your honest advice, but I am hurt some have suggested I don't care about my son.

How do you think your son feels?