Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son unhappy with PE uniform

170 replies

Samanya16 · 30/04/2023 13:22

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 30/04/2023 20:03

I can't believe the bs on this thread. If it were girls being forced to wear bikini's everyone would be up in arms. But it's ok for boys to be forced to expose more of their bodies than they want to. And if they dare suggest otherwise they need to "man up" and they shouldn't be pandered to. Toxic masculinity at it's worse. And op you are part of the problem. I would write my son the note, and include that should he not be allowed to wear a rashie then he is excused from swimming. Why on earth would I not support my child's bodily autonomy? I would prepare him that he might get teased for wearing one, or for missing swimming but that that's his choice to make

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 30/04/2023 20:03

oh FGS don't listen to the man-up-like comment. Your son won't thank you ever.

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 30/04/2023 20:04

commentS unfortunately.

Onesipmore · 30/04/2023 20:05

I think the root of the question is why does he want to wear a swimming top? Once you have answered that question then you will have solved the problem

Twitch45 · 30/04/2023 20:10

My son will only swim if he can wear a swimming top! He's 13 now but when he went swimming with the school in Yr6 I wrote a note saying he would be wearing a top (the uniform said trunks only for the boys). School were fine with it. I'd do the same again if/when I have to. He enjoyed the swimming lessons and him wearing a top didn't impact anyone else so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Godlovesall26 · 30/04/2023 20:12

I’d be concerned about him really standing out if he’s the only one with a top, 15yo boys can be cruel (although I might not voice it to him that way).
But mostly really try to get to the bottom of it : you say the school is really strict with uniforms, explain they will probably request medical or some other kind of evidence.
I agree about not dismissing his concerns, and if he’s 15 and confiding in you on intimate worries you’ve done something right all this time, don’t ruin it ! If nothing budges I’d write it, it’s likely they’ll say no anyway.

Godlovesall26 · 30/04/2023 20:17

Godlovesall26 · 30/04/2023 20:12

I’d be concerned about him really standing out if he’s the only one with a top, 15yo boys can be cruel (although I might not voice it to him that way).
But mostly really try to get to the bottom of it : you say the school is really strict with uniforms, explain they will probably request medical or some other kind of evidence.
I agree about not dismissing his concerns, and if he’s 15 and confiding in you on intimate worries you’ve done something right all this time, don’t ruin it ! If nothing budges I’d write it, it’s likely they’ll say no anyway.

I should have been more clear about standing out : I was forced to miss PE because of an intimate medical problem a couple of weeks ( gynecological issue), but still made to ‘participate’ by sitting on the sidelines (it was rugby, it was the general rule for all ill students though regardless), and it was the most efficient way of ensuring everyone asking me what’s wrong - thankfully I had a ‘sprained ankle from ballet’ made up, but what I mean is it is probable people will ask. If he can find a way to be comfortable with that, more power to him, just make sure he has these things in mind

Aslanplustwo · 30/04/2023 20:35

LlynTegid · 30/04/2023 16:59

If I was contacting the school it would be about whether or not swimming lessons should be mixed. Thinking about the girls.

I can't help but wonder how those of us of previous generations managed!!! Honestly, I have never heard such pandering nonsense. Where I live everyone has swimming lessons, they are mixed, I never once heard a girl complain about it. If a girl had a good reason not to want to swim then she was excused. We also wore what we were told to wear for PE - and yet there wasn't the level of anxiety that so many teens seem to have these days. How on earth do young people learn that there are some things in life they have to do, even if they don't want to, if rules are broken just for them - it's hardly equipping them for adult life.

PhillySub · 30/04/2023 20:41

How old is he going to be when you finally stop writing notes for him and he realises that he will have to do things in life that he might be uncomfortable with?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/04/2023 20:44

I would be surprised if school allows it, what would be the reason for telling them he requires it? I don’t think you can just write a note without a reason

EatingWormsMichael · 30/04/2023 20:49

I'd write the note. Poor lad must be anxious about it, if that helps little, then good.

StripyHorse · 30/04/2023 20:49

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 30/04/2023 13:53

Oh yes, let's send them in with their tits out for the lads shall we? What a puerile comment.

Show quote history

I don't think it's purile. Of course girls cover up but at the same time, if a boy wants to cover up and wear something equally appropriate for swimming (swim top rather than baggy t-shirt) then that should be allowed.

OP I don't think DS is BU if they top he wants to wear is suitable for swimming and in line with the uniform in terms of colours (I.e. not bright green etc if the shorts must be black).

MidgeHardcastle · 30/04/2023 20:51

I think if he could share with you his reasoning then you would be in a better position to decide about the note. So he hasn't worn a top for school swimming before? Has he recently got hairy, gained boobs etc? If he's self-conscious he'll still be changing out of his wet gear in front of everyone else though.

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 20:52

Our school used to make girls wear knicker shorts and a tiny gym skirt for PE. I was a fat teenager and I started skipping school in the end on PE days

your sons school is being unreasonable

missmollygreen · 30/04/2023 20:54

Tessabelle74 · 30/04/2023 19:28

MAN UP???
Jesus H Christ! I thought that attitude left at the beginning of the 21st century! You know suicide is the biggest killer of men 16-24 right? That feeling self conscious and having low self esteem is the biggest cause of depression amongst teens of BOTH sexes? There is no MANNING UP, men and boys are allowed feelings too, about time dinosaurs like you realised the facts that attitudes like this are literally killing people!

Show quote history

Thats what I was saying...

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/04/2023 20:59

I would write the note for him

IDontWantToBeAPie · 30/04/2023 21:02

Write the note. I would hate to be so revealed to my classmates at such a tender age. Give him autonomy over his body.

Tessabelle74 · 30/04/2023 21:05

@missmollygreen yes I was agreeing with you, I just couldn't find the original comment so had to piggy back on yours 😬

ScratchingMyHead · 30/04/2023 21:09

I wouldn’t think twice. I would have an open loving chat and then support him. Covering up harms no one else.

batsandeggs · 30/04/2023 21:12

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 30/04/2023 13:53

Oh yes, let's send them in with their tits out for the lads shall we? What a puerile comment.

Show quote history

Don’t be so dense, OP clearly states the girls are also given the option of swimming shorts - i.e. the option to cover up more comfortably.

OP, your poor boy. Definitely explore this with him and support his wishes on this. The school may not allow it but he’ll always remember how his mum made him feel about it all.

ScratchingMyHead · 30/04/2023 21:14

Aslanplustwo · 30/04/2023 20:35

I can't help but wonder how those of us of previous generations managed!!! Honestly, I have never heard such pandering nonsense. Where I live everyone has swimming lessons, they are mixed, I never once heard a girl complain about it. If a girl had a good reason not to want to swim then she was excused. We also wore what we were told to wear for PE - and yet there wasn't the level of anxiety that so many teens seem to have these days. How on earth do young people learn that there are some things in life they have to do, even if they don't want to, if rules are broken just for them - it's hardly equipping them for adult life.

Show quote history

‘there wasn't the level of anxiety that so many teens seem to have these days.’

but this is the core issue. Our teenagers are more anxious than we were. There are probably lots of reasons for this. Social media does not help, and the constant exposure to information 24 hours a day. It is an overwhelming overstimulated world that they live in.

I wish I knew how to address this. But making a child feel more anxious doing a swimming lesson is addressing the problem in the wrong way. It is not going to cure his self consciousness and it may make him feel worse than ever.

As an adult we can choose how covered up we want to be in a swimming pool. Why not let teens have some choice within reason?

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 30/04/2023 21:17

TonTonMacoute · 30/04/2023 19:21

I think the solution is a lot more complicated than whether to write a note or not. What if you write the note and teacher says no?

Just because you don’t give in to every teenage whim doesn’t mean you aren’t sympathetic, it’s much better for them to learn how to face up to their fears, and discover that what they were dreading was all in their head. That’s how you help build confidence.
If the games teacher is sympathetic I think DS needs to go and discuss this with them. Personally, I can’t think of a better way to get the piss mercilessly taken out of you for the rest of the school year (and possibly the rest of your whole school career, up to and including any future school reunions) than being the only one wearing a swim vest.

If you write the note and school say no then DS will still know you care enough and that you listen to him. You can also then speak to the school as well. Ask for reasonable adaptions. And then sign him off swimming altogether if they refuse.

Its not a "whim". It something that's affecting his mental health.

If kids are going to be so cruel as to take the piss for wearing a swim tee then they are equally likely to take the piss for whatever he might be self conscious about... with the further effect of reinforcing that he was right to be self conscious. Whereas wearing it might inspire other boys to wear one because of their own insecurities. Or, potentially, after one or two sessions wearing it, he might change his mind because he's seen the other boys with his comfort blanket, as it were, and has been able to accept himself

It might be something the school has never considered before, it might make them add to the uniform requirements that both girls and boys can wear swim tees. That would make it less of a thing as well.

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2023 21:26

I'd write the note. Two of my male dc wore full swim suits, bit like summer wetsuits. Oldest teen 15 wears rash top as he hates being cold and he says pool is too cold.

OneTC · 30/04/2023 21:26

How on earth do young people learn that there are some things in life they have to do, even if they don't want to, if rules are broken just for them - it's hardly equipping them for adult life.

I've had to do lots of things as an adult but I've always been allowed to keep my clothes on

Hankunamatata · 30/04/2023 21:28

This is why my teens school takes boys and girls swimming separately. Much less anxiety and worry about how they look