Son unhappy with PE uniform

[Samanya16]

In my son's (15) PE class they are about to start their swimming unit. He's asked me to write a note to the teacher requesting he be permitted to wear his swim shirt. He usually wears it if we got to the beach or something. But he's not worn it for school swimming before, I think he might be self-conscious because PE is mixed with the girls from year 10.

I have refused to write the note, because the uniform is very clear that boys have to wear swimming shorts or trunks, girls one-piece suits with optional shorts. The school is generally very strict with uniform. Frankly I think it will help him get over his self-consciousness, and it's a reasonable rule because that's a perfectly normal swimming costume for boys, so I don't see any need to get into a fight with the school. But he's protesting that it's unfair and that I'm not supporting his wishes. Am I being unreasonable?

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if this has already been suggested. If he is a healthy weight have you considered other reasons why he may want to wear a top? I'm sorry to suggest it but is there any possibility of self harm scars?

@Aslanplustwo we never moaned or complained about PE , and I don't know much anxiety there was. We just skipped the lesson.

Is that better or worse?

How he is going to cope when it comes to making whoopee with a prospective partner - will he want to be able to keep a shirt on for that too?

We don't know yet if the school is being unreasonable, as OP hasn't approached them yet.

On paper my school sends a letter with one piece swimsuit for girls, shorts for boys. All must wear hats.

The severe SEN kids don't actually have to wear the hat at all. If one of the other kids forgets theirs, they're let in as well.

Some boys wear rash vests as well. We had one girl with swim socks. Some girls wear shorts on top of their swimsuit. Some kids wear the swimsuits with half arms and legs. As ling as the parents let us know and the swimming instructors are happy with it, then there's no problem.

Well, one, that should be some way off and he has time to change, to grow into his body, to become less self conscious as people are want to do

Two, it's not the same situation to be intimate with a partner as being surrounded by a lot of people, some who may potentially bully yoy.

Three, even if he did want to keep his shirt on... that's OK.

And four hopefully he'll be more mature and in tune with himself and not call it whoopee.

That's more off putting than keeping his top on.

And five, he won’t be making whoope in school in front of the class.

Very true
You can't call it sex then you're not showing yourself to be mature

He'll be the focus of more attention wearing a 'swim shirt' than just the required uniform.

I would write a note.

My dd would have truanted rather than do something that she felt would draw attention to herself. She does have ASD, so thankfully school let her sit out dance, which was her sporting nemesis.

Oh course he should be able to cover up, rash vests are a really normal part of swimwear.

The swimming uniform requirements aren’t “the law” nor are they equitable, it’s completely reasonable to request an exception, but more importantly I would request a change in swim uniform.

Making him swim without the top will definitely not improve his body confidence, it will make it worse.
Would we really find it reasonable if school uniform required a bikini for girls? I realise that socially it’s slightly different, but your son has an equal right to choose modest swimwear.

Bloody hell at 15 he can decide how much of his body he wants to bare in front of his peers. As others have said, the school may refuse but as least you as his mum should have his back on this.

I'm sure he's aware that he'll stand out as different in the shirt, and has weighed up the pros and cons and decided that's the lesser of two evils.

Can you speak to the teacher?

I think the school should do single sex swimming. There's no way on earth 15year olds won't dread being semi naked all lined up together in front of their peers. I would write the note, the school needs to have a proper think over this. So glad I went to a single sex school.

@Samanya16 I would also be supporting my child’s right to decide not to participate if they won’t accommodate his request. Personally I would include in the letter, “unfortunately he won’t otherwise be able to participate in swimming” if that’s what he wants.

Omg just help your child out, this is how you make someone more anxious about their body not help them get over anything that they are shy about.

Poor kid wth.

What possible reason could they have to not allow a student to wear a swimtop in swim classes? How bizarre.
The vast majority of professional swimmers wear them. This thread is a wee bit odd.

Why are girls allowed to wear shorts if they want ?

To cover their bum /top of legs ?

Then boys should be allowed to cover their top if they want

Maybe if he wore a swim too others would as well

I would try and find out why he wants to wear one but I would def write him a note

It's a small thing he wants and you as a parent should support him

Boys can wear swimming shorts or trunks. Girls can put swim shorts on over their swimsuit. The school treats boys and girls equally.

That's for everybody saying "it's not fair the girls can cover up and the boys can't"!

The only difference is the girls have to cover their torso, presumably for reasons that are rather obvious.

OP he's panicking. And he's got a typical teenager brain. That means you're not going to get him feeling better about himself by rationalising. What you need is for him to k no w he can rely on you when he's feeling vulnerable, which he is. I'd write the note and tell him that you will, but you think he'll stand out more by being the only one wearing the rashie. And that you cannot make the school change their rules, so you're not sure that a note will work, but you're willing to give it a shot.

I'd write the note to school from the point that DS has always enjoyed swimming and it's important to you that he continues to as it's such an important physical activity. For personal reasons he is now very uncomfortable about being in swimwear and you request that he wears a rashie (specify it's from the same material as swimwear, don't say "T-shirt" as that's an easy way for them to deny the request) so he can fully participate in and focus on the lessons.

Of course he will draw more attention to himself by wearing the T shirt

He will find that out for himself

His body, his rules.

Stop controlling what he does with his body and write the note

@daretodenim no. The girls have to/are entitled to cover their stomachs and backs whereas the boys cannot.
OP dont suggest T-shirt (this will be rejected for safety reasons), suggest swim attire rash vest.

I also think that it's not a good idea to have mixed-sex swimming for this age group. It's going to make probably most of the class feel uncomfortable and too exposed to the opposite sex at a sensitive time, which is only going to put them off swimming (which is the opposite of what they should be trying to do, and a huge shame).

No, they aren't treating them equally.
The girls have to wear a one piece but have the choice of adding swim shorts over the top, meaning if they are uncomfortable about their bum, worried about flashing or pubic hair, showing off their legs, whatever then they have an option to provide themselves more cover.

Boys don't have that option.

I don’t think people should be forced to show their skin whether it’s for religious/ cultural or other reasons. As long as it’s actual swimwear and not t shirts etc that could be potentially hazardous. The school need to allow this so that they’re not discriminating against minority groups (which your son may not technically fit into but I’d support his views). I don’t think being forced to show your body does actually improve confidence

This thread is a prime example of how boomers who bang on about resilience in the younger generation are the most tedious people on earth.

Of course OP should write the note. Body consciousness at that age is horrendous and these rigid swimming costume rules help nobody. At that age I shamelessly invented twice-monthly periods, finagled extra maths tuition that just happened to fall in PE time and once or twice just straight-up truanted in order to get out of it.

The whole "it'll make him stand out more" argument is fairly stupid too. He knows! Everyone who wears more clothes than the people around them knows they stand out! Whether that's the boy wearing a swimming shirt or the girl at a festival wearing an oversized shirt while all her friends are in crop tops (I have been both of these in my time). Sometimes just the act of covering up is more important - what people will think about me covering up is less of a priority than what people will think about my body.

And of course it's all in one's head but most people get over teenage body consciousness naturally. Forcing them to strip off in teenage lessons has fuck all to do with that process.