Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

[Exhater]

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

Unless OP is working 16 hour shifts, they're clearly not alone for 8-9 hours during the week as, you know, they both go to school for at least six hours a day.

She doesn't say she wants to go out twice a week, every week either. She has one night where she's home after school, then goes out again, getting home at 10pm. She then says she wants another occasional Saturday night out as well.

Anyone in a couple would be positively encouraged to go out twice a week and socialise, see friends and get out of the house, but because OP's ex has fucked off and can't be arsed, OP apparently isn't allowed to go out even once a week.

Save your criticism for her feckless ex who has left her with no choice but to work the hours she does, and who can't even be bothered to feed his children once a week at his mum's house.

I’ve just read through all the comments, I realise now your ex doesn’t take the kids.

I still couldn’t justify leaving them at night to go out. It’s rubbish and your ex should be pulling his weight but I would feel awful leaving my kids unattended to go out. Works one thing, and even at that it’s still not ideal for a 12 year old.

But just because OP is now a single parent, it can’t just be that the kids don’t get looked after on those nights where she wants to go out. If me and my husband both went out for the night, the expectation would be we got a babysitter or someone stayed home. Not just leave them unattended. The ex absolutely should be met with criticism but him being an arse doesn’t make it any safer to leave the 12 year old home at night.

Would you really get a babysitter for a 14yo though??? Really??

@Exhater laughing at some of these responses. I’m a single parent. I’ve worked and gone out like yourself. My kids are all thriving in every area of life. Excelling actually! I am very proud of how I’ve parented them. They are well rounded, independent, delightful. We have a great relationship and none of them are pregnant or on drugs. Don’t worry. You’re doing a great job !

A twelve and a fourteen year old don't need a babysitter.

Yeah, work is one thing but going out once a week til midnight, I think that's too much. Maybe a one off wouldn't be awful. But not regularly. They're on their own too much. And I agree it's rubbish. Two years on you'll be fine but not now.

The thing is, it's not OP or her DC who has an issue with the set-up - it's their dad.

The same dad who has nowhere for them to stay, and who can't even be bothered to take them out for dinner once a week.

If he's so bothered, why doesn't he step up and do something about it?

I mean, I read in some other thread that a poster had bedtime of earlier than 11 by the age of 18, so I guess anything is possible!

People are not reading updates so think that kids are basically alone all the time, OP.

I think it depends on how present you are and what you do with them when you are there, kids will learn to be self sufficient if you’re not around, but it doesn’t mean they are happy, they don’t know any better so they just accept things for how they are.

If it was me, I think one evening a week would be plenty, weekends should really be spend prioritising what they want to do.

YABU

The working can't be helped but the choosing to go out til late/midnight twice on top of them already regularly getting themselves off to school/home and being alone so much is too much imo

That being said, your ex could help out if he has such a problem with it

At 14 I babysat strangers babies until way past midnight with no issues so I'd say a sibling would be fine with a 14yo.

Bloody hell…some of these responses!

Posters bashing the op, yet not acknowledging that these children have two parents. One of whom, won’t have his DC overnight nor will he even have them for an evening!

If he is that concerned then he really needs step up and co parent. Obviously that is too much like hard work and would require actual parenting ( I bet when you were together you were doing everything anyway).

it sounds like he has issue with the fact that you are going on with your life, probably have more of a social life without him being a dead weight.

There are people on here who would have a babysitter for a 25 year old 🤣

YABU.

I think that aged kids being left at home "often for 8-9 hours a day" is too much. And i think its sad that they have to get themselves off to school and a 14-year-old being responsible for their sibling getting to school.
Yes, they may be self-sufficient and get on with it, but it doesn't mean thats its good for them (now or in the long run) or they are happy just because they appear to be coping.

They may choose to sit in their rooms, but i think it important to have the security of their parents available/present to them. They may not need a babysitter at 14, but they do need an available parent.

Your Ex needs to step up and be available at the childrens home to parent them and pull their finger out to get a secure place for them, as ultimately for both of you, your children need to be your priority.

what should she do? AS I said. Be there evenings, nights and weekends. Concentrate on changing all shifts to morning shifts on weekdays. If that is not possible, change jobs. AS I said, I did that when my teens needed my support in the evenings. It meant a pay cut for a few years, but that was what my children needed. And spend the time with her children.

And dont go on nights out leaving them alone without an adult.

And i think its sad that they have to get themselves off to school and a 14-year-old being responsible for their sibling getting to school

She's 12, not 5 and fully capable of walking herself to school. She leaves before he does!

Taking a pay cut/lower hours doesn't work when on UC, I work as much as I can so that I can keep afloat. I'm doing this solo. There is absolutely no chance of me earning less and still being able to cover everything

find a different job with the same wage then, it is the shift pattern that is the problem, isnt it. If you worked day times, you would be home in the evening. Or can your current job give you more morning shifts?

I would just hide this thread now OP.

Most of the replies seem to be from people who live in some kind of fantasy world where you can just drop your hours without it having any impact on your income, or change your job so that you magically work school hours.

They sit here and bash you for being the only parent who actually gives a shit, meanwhile your ex gets off scott-free as per usual.

It's a tricky one as if you split in January everyone is going through a lot of change and adapting- including for the children. Does he not have his own place as he can't afford it, did you remain in the family home? I can understand him not going to yours to be fair to see them, is there a valid reason he won't have them at his mums or can he just not be bothered? End of the day it's not like it's negligent and he could make a case against it therefore you can do as you please and be can't stop you (does take a lot of getting used to), but they're alone enough I don't think it's wild of him to talk about it and be a bit worried/annoyed or whatever. I'm sure your children are more than capable of being alone but at their ages and with all of the recent changes whether they're happy is another matter. Of course you shouldn't not stop work because of it and going out with friends is healthy and needed, but I do feel for them a bit.

She's 12, not 5 and fully capable of walking herself to school. She leaves before he does!

I have acknowledged that they are probably very capable, i said i think its sad that they have to. I also say your ex needs to step up as well. This is not about "bashing" you i include your ex in this as well, i do understand its tough.

Taking a pay cut/lower hours doesn't work when on UC, I work as much as I can so that I can keep afloat. I'm doing this solo. There is absolutely no chance of me earning less and still being able to cover everything

I know you are doing what you have to do to survive, again i think your Ex should be accountable for his part?
What was the routine before you split? Could he come and do breakfast time with his kids in their home?

What a load of pearl clutching twats on this post. No wonder we have a generation of kids incapable of doing anything for themselves. Leaving a 14 year old and 12 year old is perfectly fine.

Walking to school and making their own food. Also perfectly fine.

Ffs. OP you're doing great.

Most didn't seem to read updates and the OP did make it originally sound like they spend most days and evenings by themselves.

Not the 14 year old but the 12 year old.