To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

Dunno. Sort of. The weeding is the thing you can't leave though, and old clothes do becomes a problem at some point. My DH is similarly anal about the car and the toys, but he doesn't work, so he can do that with his time if he wants.

I would say the woman in this reversed situation was an anal clean-freak and I'd have every sympathy for her husband. I'd say she should crack on and match the Lego up if it bothered her, but she ought to get a life.

You did miss it. Op works each day while the kids are at school.

I get the kids up and ready for school every day by myself. Start work as soon as I’ve dropped them off. Finish shortly before I pick them up. Then I take them to swimming or whatever else they need driving to, or to the park. Then I feed them and help with their homework and read with them. Do a bit of housework or ironing. Then I cook for DH coming home. I don’t have any time to myself during the day.

YANBU.

Your DH doesn't have to work unpaid overtime and shouldn't. His boss should pay him more (that perhaps you can spend on a cleaner) or else put up with the work output and hours that he's paid for. A father's job is to prioritise his family, not subsidise his employer.

Your DH plays for a brass band? Now there's a time-sink of a hobby, especially if he's in a higher section band. Did you see him at all during the fortnight prior to the regional contest? 🎺

It's not OK for him to have his hobbies and deny you yours. Reading is a legitimate hobby and, as PPs have said, it's important for adults to model reading as something fun and not a homework task.

I listened to an interesting podcast about just this saying that in our modern society we spend far too much time cleaning etc basically until we die. I would paint your picture and read your book. Who cares about a muddy car

Tell him to crack on, if all of that is so important to him.

You have to differentiate between the pointless tasks, @Duttercup, and those tasks which, if left undone over time will lead to a hoarded and filthy house.

All those boring tasks I put off and then plan to do them on a Sunday morning with dh help. No way am I the only one giving up my time. I also leave my car muddy until dh takes it for a wash as it bothers him more than me

I would hate a marriage like this and tell him I want a divorce!

I agree with you OP. Very tidy people can be a bit of a headache. They always seem to think they have the moral high ground which makes it worse. Just because someone cares about mud on cars or toys being unsorted doesn’t mean they should expect other people, who don’t care about these things, to run around dealing with it.

Initially I read the post and thought living with you would frustrate me no end. Then you mentioned the kids sleeping issues and had a re think.

I think in your situation there is a balance to be had. So can you cut down on the hobbies and ferrying about? Are you doing them five days a week? Does working school hours 5 days a week work for your family or do your dh's long hours? Is there anyway either of you can compromise to work hours that suit your family better? You're doing such long days with work and then the kids so I can totally appreciate that sorting toys really isn't a priority. I think I'd sit down with your dh and have a chat about it all. Really explain where you are coming from, you sound burnt out.

I also think other posters have been harsh on him. The chores you don't care about will build up and lead to a grubby house, car or garden. They need to be done by someone eventually. It just doesn't always have to be you.

I'm with you on this one OP.

In our house we each have a lie in at the weekend till 9am. I work part time but DH gets home at 5 and does dinner. Then we share bedtime and take turns having nights out.

Your other half does have more time to himself than you. Yes he chooses to use some of it at work but that's a choice. Like you choose to read. If he does 6.25 hours of unpaid overtime a week that's your reading time I would say!

After all your updates I'm completely with you OP, tbh your DH sounds crap. Your division of labour is all out of whack, he needs to be doing loads more. Can you arrange something that you do regularly on an evening, so he has to come back early so you can go out? Or you could go out on a morning one day every weekend so he has to do a childcare stint? What you have going on is the sort of thing that divorces are made of.

The tasks need to be done eventually. No reason why they always have to be done according to his timetable, especially not your car, ffs - he can’t tell you when your car has to be cleaned. The problem is, you want to spend your free time at home whereas he spends his free time having a lie in or out somewhere. Personally, I would tell him he can either go swivel or he has to let you turn up at his workplace at 5pm every bloody day so that you can nag him to get home and do all his “chores” when you want them done and to stop pissing about elsewhere. If he doesn’t like you nagging him during his time, then he can f* off out of yours.

I see your point with some of those jobs op but not for all of them. My dm was a bit of a chaotic hoarder and I hated my home. We had whole rooms full of old stuff that we couldn't go in. I think getting rid of stuff is important but it's not like it needs to take forever. Get the kids to take old clothes out and bung them in a bin bag with a few old toys. Then put them in your boot and drop off at a charity shop next time you are in the car. If things like gardening don't appeal to you both just pay someone elsw to do it. Consider the fact that while your dh shouldn't be yelling at you to do jobs he is clearly telling you he is unhappy with how things are and can't do it all himself. It sounds like some communication is needed to agree on which jobs are essential and who will do them, what can be outsourced and what systems can you put in place to make life easier.

THIS.
FFS, life is short.

Reverse!! Definitely. If you work part time you should have ample time to do the chores and paint the portrait or whatever.

Well, its a balance isnt it? We cant all sack off whenever we have free time.

I 100% agree with you. All the jobs will be there again in a week, but you can't get time back.
My car is dirty, I have 3 junk drawers and all the toys used to go in a massive box.
Our house is tidy, DD fed and happy and pots washed.
It sounds like your DH resents you working PT and doesn't see your full time role of mum as being tiring enough to require down time.
Happy mum, happy kids. My DH plays on the Xbox and watches footie, why can't I paint, reaf and relax?

You sound incompatible

No one is being harsh on him. This guy goes out plenty, does his hobbies, has his social life, stays up watching tv, takes the weekend sleep in, does nothing around the house and parenting so he has oomph for the extra. Let him get on with it. Instead he thinks his partner should get zero free time and how dare she take an hour to sit down and relax when he’s had 20 hours already this week to do this thing.

Bloody hell, what is it with all the posters who haven’t rtft and can’t grasp that part time doesn’t always mean days off in the week or mornings only or whatever. You do realise that working school hours 5 days a week = part time, and that if you work this pattern you DON’T get time to yourself where you are not either working or looking after the children?

OP, if I were you I’d start taking your book elsewhere for chunks of time at the weekend. When you dh moans, point out that it’s the same amount of time he was at brass band practice or whatever.

Sounds like he gets a bee in his bonnet about doing things and isn't happy until they're done.

If he's not seeing exactly how much you're doing I'd keep a diary for a week of both of your activities and show it to him. He'll then see that your down time is not only far less, but it's also on a different schedule to him because he's hardly home (through his own choice).

(and I say that as someone who is incapable of sitting down and who always has a list of jobs to do. That doesn’t mean I don’t realise that other people, including my dh, are not the same and don’t feel the same compulsion to always have everything perfect! )