To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I can see both sides here, @Nereides. Yes, you do a lot already, and deserve to have time off to read or whatever, but your dh isn’t wrong that some of these jobs do need doing. Things may be OK now, but if you (both of you) don’t keep on top of clutter, it can easily build up to a situation where it is a massive job that you can’t tackle easily - a bit of time spent every so often, getting rid of broken stuff or outgrown stuff means you don’t end up crowded out of your home by clutter.

Maybe you and he could compromise - a certain amount of time that you spend sorting out a particular area or set of stuff together, and a certain amount of time for you to read without being nagged.

You are calling OP lazy but want OP to read after dropping the kids at school instead of working? OK then…

You work part time. So you get time in the week to do these things so you don’t need to at the weekend, or vice versa?

I would also be annoyed by your attitude.

All these things do need doing but there is likely a happy medium between your two positions. Find it and live it.

your current actions are not validating the way your partner feels and you are showing little regard for their concerns.

Depends really. If you read a book EVERY time 'pointless stuff' needs doing - you'll be living in a shithole within a few years. It's not your partners sole responsibility to stop that happening.

Small things done regularly prevent a massive heap of crap building up later on.

Your choice,

read a book if you like.

Your DH is doing this on purpose. He knows that you do the essential day to day and that he does minimal to none. So, he needs to make it look like you are being lazy, so that he doesn't feel bad for his low contribution to the unpaid work in the home. He is gaslighting you. Manipulating you.
Most of the things he is saying do need to be done. The problem is him expecting you to do them when you already do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid stuff, driving around stuff, probably shopping also.
I guarantee you that if you give in, he will disappear halfway or 1/4 through each task he has been whining about. He will have some excuse about how the food needs to be alphabetized. Or that he forgot about a report that was due yesterday. Meanwhile, the children will have trashed the house, which will be left for you to clean by yourself or with the kids. but he will be nowhere to be found. And then he will flop down, claim to be tired, and complain that you didn't help him with all the fake things he went off to do while leaving you with the actual tasks.
If I were you, I would stop cooking him dinner. Wait until he gets home so you can do it together. Stop doing his laundry. Wait until he gets home so you can do it together. Whatever other things you do that are for him and won't negatively impact the kids needs to wait until he gets home so you can do it together. `Don't even buy his food. and when he complains, tell him that is exactly how you feel all the time when you have been doing all the day to day essential work and he wants you to also do the honey-do list.

OP is at work when the kids are at school. You sound lazy too - didn't even read the OPs posts

A few people have said this but the OP works during school hours 5 days a week. Part time doesn’t always mean days off during the week.

OP, I agree with you. People are obsessed with pointless little house tasks. For my husband's many faults, at least he's never proposed B&Q and the tip as legitimate weekend activity.

Well I agree with you OP about washing the car - a task I never do because I think it's pointless.

But I do like to have clean windows and if you don't weed the garden it gets really out of hand quickly. Of course you can hire people to do these jobs for you.

As for clearing out old clothes and toys - if you have indefinite storage space, fine. Most of us don't so it's a job that needs doing eventually.

@Wonderway19

just cos she can doesn’t mean she should. Life it too short.

and why does she have to show willing?! To whom?!

@RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning

OR…. You could argue that life is too short to get stressed after coordinating your kids toys and washing your car (especially in this country where we have shit weather and it pisses it down all the time)

This came up for me in couples therapy with ex. He spent half a session complaining about all the things I hadn’t done…with no regard for what I did do. The therapist explained to him that none of these things bother your wife, but they bother you. She then asked why do you expect to deal with what bothers YOU? You need to deal with what bothers you … he wasn’t happy about this at all. I’m so glad I LTF!

Exactly this OP…. I hope he doesn’t expect you to be doing those tasks on your own

I'm with you,I hate housework,although I do it for a job! I'd much rather read or do my sewing. I live with my eldest daughter who is the same! I do what I can cope with in the house then try to do what I enjoy.

I’m your DH in our relationship.. I find it mega mega stressful when the maintenance of normal life piles up. I suspect this is how your DH feels. I do think those things need doing. You don’t need a show home standard for daily life but I don’t think weeding from time to time or repainting your house is show home standard, I think those are basics. I work part time and do childcare on my days at home, I also do some of the things you w listed. Can you get a gardener or handy man? I imagine your DH thinks you’ve got your head in the sand and I would be v v stressed if the house was in a state of disrepair and my partner thought reading a book was more important.. to me that says you’re not that invested in family life. I think you also have different love languages, some insight into that might benefit you. Good luck x

100% agree.

And I certainly don’t think you alone should be doing those jobs.. I’m assuming your DH already does some of them??? Definitely don’t be doing them along for obvious reasons.

I'm with you in that I have a high threshold for messiness and dirtiness.

I do all the basics too. I know we both think we're at acceptable levels of cleanliness and neatness. But many people would consider the examples of upkeep/cleanliness you have listed essential at the weekend. Not every weekend, but I'm sure your DH tackles a variety of miscellaneous tasks each weekend.

The thing is, if your DH went away for a month or two, things really would start getting grotty fast. Alllll the little hidden things contribute to overall dirtiness which somehow starts spreading through the house to areas you can see and feel. Especially with little humans in the house, but even without! Or if you're really immune to grottiness, give it 3 to 4 months.

I used to have a really arrogant attitude like you but then I learnt the above firsthand! Both re: my DH and mum. I can't really please my mum. But my DH is willing to do more housework than me overall, and tries to see my point that mental/emotional time is more important than housework. In turn I'm grateful to him, try to step up and help him even for these "non essential household tasks" (just think of it as bonding time doing an activity together), and contribute more with taking care of the kids.

Down time is important, and so is sharing the mundane tasks everyday life throws at us, when you're one half of a partnership.
Things pile up and become larger piles of stuff to do - that will inevitably need sorting out. Little and often may be the way ahead.
Refusing to lift a finger is a good way for your Husband to, at some point, potentially become resentful about.
Why should he do all the tasks?
It's almost like you think his free time is irrelevant.
Many hands make light work.
Get stuck in and then try to keep on top it. The task will become much smaller and your Husband will appreciate the fact you made the effort/ feel like a team.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, maybe DH if he actually is shouting and that turn of phrase wasn't just for effect.

This clearly isn't about housework though. What is it really about?

The problem is the house will always need tidying; if you sort the kids crap one day, the junk drawer another, wash the car the next, thing will just keep coming at you and you’ll never get to finish that book. DH needs to pull his finger out his arse and get on with it

He is taking the piss he thinks, just because you are working part time that’s all you do. I bet he doesn’t even consider that you run around the children before and after school, cook, and do homework etc, he probably considers it ‘your free time’. Because he is at work. Likewise when he is cleaning the car who is looking after the kids? You need to think about taking up a hobby twice a week, heading off to a book group, cinema and then turning up late at night. Then you will be more productive at the weekends. Also time for the kids to get him up at 5am. Let them
make
loads of noise. I bet he doesn’t even register you have been up for that long. See how he feels about sorting out the toys after that!

I don't think this is likely to be honest... If he's anything like my mum and my DH, OP's DH sounds like the kind of person who can't sit down and relax until most things in the house are at acceptable levels (in their eyes).

I'm more like OP! We take care of all the essentials, but like me OP sounds a bit clutter/dirt blind (eg not bothered by muddy car, even if it's just a bit of mud). People like that tend not to notice the thousands of big or tiny housework things (or the importance thereof) people around them do every single morning and evening

Oh I can totally identify 😀