Page 17 | To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

OutsideLookingOut · 01/05/2023 21:40

YANBU and I love it. I hope more women will choose not to be martyrs! Bring on the revolution. Also what is the book?

NickyT64 · 01/05/2023 21:41

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

And how far down this list has he got? Why is it YOUR job to do them all? What is he busy doing?

overwhenitsover · 01/05/2023 22:23

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I would love to have your husband. My dh is like you and I'm like your husband but then I do feel happier having a cleaner house too

LaDamaDeElche · 01/05/2023 22:29

He sounds like my DH. He's super meticulous and I think it actually affects his mental health. I'm tidy and organised, but he's on another level. You need to find a happy medium. It's difficult with people like this, but it can be done. My DH is much better than he was. He must have always been like this though? It can't be a surprise to you. If you can't find a compromise, you will get divorced as you'll drive each other insane.

Segway16 · 01/05/2023 23:00

Blueroses99 · 01/05/2023 19:26

A few people have said this but the OP works during school hours 5 days a week. Part time doesn’t always mean days off during the week.

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I didn’t see that, the context makes a little more sense. I think I read that he stays in bed over the weekend which is a big no from me. If he gets a few hours in bed, then OP should get a few hours to read her book. However, I still think there should be a happy medium here.

Anele22 · 01/05/2023 23:26

My children are grown up now. I wish I’d sat on the sofa and watched the lion king with them. I was too busy trying to keep on top of pointless tasks

mandlerparr · 02/05/2023 00:57

They would if if the male poster also explained that the did all the day to day cleaning and childcare.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 02/05/2023 01:46

Wonderway19 · 01/05/2023 19:10

I didn’t miss that… she works part time. He works full time. He bring in more money than she does, she gets days off without the children to sit and do absolutely nothing, he doesn’t. So why should he spend his weekend doing jobs that she could do during the week whilst he’s keeping a roof over their head?
If the shoe was on the other foot you’d be man bashing 🙄

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What days does she have off that the children aren't there?

KatieCelf · 02/05/2023 02:14

YANBU

if he’s so bothered about those things, he can do it!! Sounds like you take care of the essentials, WTAF is he doing?!

Yes, enjoy your life. Enjoy your kids. Who cares if there’s non essential shit to do. It’ll get done eventually… in the meantime read your book!

stayathomer · 02/05/2023 03:08

There are definitely two types of posters on this thread- I personally wouldn’t assume someone to be slovenly or lazy for the tasks she’s describing- it’s not like he’s talking about cleaning floors or counters or changing bed linen, it’s weeding and washing a car!!

Also for people say if roles were reversed there actually is a thread that is somewhat near this one- a poster saying her husband should clean the apartment on his day off, and people aren’t all saying she’s being reasonable

stayathomer · 02/05/2023 03:12

My children are grown up now. I wish I’d sat on the sofa and watched the lion king with them. I was too busy trying to keep on top of pointless tasks
My son had a bug recently. I was so freaked out I scrubbed the house from top to bottom, constantly just popping my head in but not actually sitting with him. By the time I was finished it was time to collect the others. I work Saturdays and every second Sunday so I wish I’d just sat at the end of the bed and been there properly

user1477391263 · 02/05/2023 03:21

I know this is a boring answer, but the only solution to this is a compromise. You need to list up tasks together, decide what is a reasonable pace and then assign tasks accordingly. Say, “Each non working day, we do a couple of tasks on the list each, then we chill and enjoy our weekends.”

Being obsessed with busy-ness and task-ticking for the sake of it and never being able to relax and enjoy life can be a compulsive disease for some people. On the other hand, things like taking crap to a charity shop etc does kind of need to get done sooner or later, and these tasks can pile up and translate into a messy, cluttered home if you are not careful.

You need to work out a compromise and appropriate pace, and then both do a couple of tasks each per day.

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2023 03:27

user1477391263 · 02/05/2023 03:21

I know this is a boring answer, but the only solution to this is a compromise. You need to list up tasks together, decide what is a reasonable pace and then assign tasks accordingly. Say, “Each non working day, we do a couple of tasks on the list each, then we chill and enjoy our weekends.”

Being obsessed with busy-ness and task-ticking for the sake of it and never being able to relax and enjoy life can be a compulsive disease for some people. On the other hand, things like taking crap to a charity shop etc does kind of need to get done sooner or later, and these tasks can pile up and translate into a messy, cluttered home if you are not careful.

You need to work out a compromise and appropriate pace, and then both do a couple of tasks each per day.

He needs to start since the current approach is he gets all the time off he likes and objects to her having any downtime at all. There’d be no ‘compromise’ from me if my husband didn’t acknowledge me as an equal human being, not a service human who only lives to cook clean and keep things running.

MsRosley · 02/05/2023 04:36

newusern1 · 30/04/2023 15:03

I haven't washed my car since last summer.

I've never washed my cars and I've had it nearly a decade.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/05/2023 04:38

Wonford · 30/04/2023 12:21

Tbf you aren't reading, you are playing on your phone or tablet.

Surely reading is also done on phone/tablet??

Helloworld3 · 02/05/2023 04:51

I agree with you 100% and you’re not being unreasonable at all.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/05/2023 05:15

Delatron · 30/04/2023 15:29

I’m with you OP. My DH is exactly the same and it drives me nuts. I work part time and do pretty much 100% of house stuff all week. So when I’m not working I’m cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, walking the dog, ferrying children around. At the weekend or bank holidays I just want to get a bit of downtime from the endless chores because let’s be honest there’s always a job to do!

If I so much as sit on the sofa he will try and give me a task. I barely sit down all week. Today it was power jetting the decking. He also has this habit of forcing me to do a job. So he’ll decide he wants to sort the coat rack out. I don’t care. He gets all the coats and throws them on the kitchen floor (adding to the mess I’ve spent all week trying to keep on top of). Thereby forcing me to do that task. We have had many arguments about it.

I think the sorting of the coat rack happened on Boxing Day. Just after I’d cooked Christmas dinner for his family yet again and just wanted to sit on my sofa in my PJs eating chocolate and watching films like everyone else on Boxing Day. No - let’s have a fun day sorting the coats.

He argues it’s because he’s at work all week so wants to be in the house getting stuff done at weekends and bank holidays. My argument is that I’ve spent all week doing boring household stuff because no other bugger helps and I need some break at the weekend.

His favourite thing to do is clean the garage. I mean the kitchen is a tip but yes you go and clean the garage..

You have my sympathies OP

I grew up with parents like this... Father absent on hobbies many days a month... Mum working continually with paid job/looking aftrr us and unruly house.... At few weekends when he did deign to be home... My mum wasn't allowed to relax...
It was relentless.

After she had no time to herself all week (father already had had acres of free time..). No he thought she/us should be given long winded tasks... He honestly thought he was our manager /boss...

It was exhausting.... He js still like it now... We push against it more

"Nope-I'm not rearranging boxes in the shed for the nth time this year- crack on f you want to do it😁... I've had no time for downtime this week so am reading.'

Amore2023 · 02/05/2023 05:17

Haven’t RTFT so someone may have already said this @Nereides but reminds me of this poem:
Dust If You Must
by
Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter…

Won’t paste the whole thing but it is a lovely poem. Life can be short and it is a shame to spend it in drudgery, yet daily tasks need to be done (which you are doing) and I do. In the last few years, I have fallen into the habit of ‘to do’ lists etc and productivity, rotating deeper cleaning sessions etc… etc… but the aim is to spend less time cleaning and organising, not more and still appease my perfectionist tendencies. I still read, dream, write, think and just be but yes, maybe not often enough.

Atomic Habits is an interesting book if you are that way inclined. I have learnt a lot from it and try to fit a lot into my time.

blahblahblah1654 · 02/05/2023 05:52

Does he want to do all these tasks to opt out of family life? It would make sense. Considering he works so late in the week too. Then during his days off he can avoid his kids with busywork.

Autumntree · 02/05/2023 06:00

Could you divide the tasks - he starts with repainting the ceiling and you do the toys? And do things little by little every week? Could you work as a team?

Choconutty · 02/05/2023 06:04

You need to do a bit of each (and decide which really are unnecessary - eg car washing) and which aren't (eg. getting rid of junk occasionally).

I'm a single mum, 2 kids, full time job, and I don't want to spend what little time I have doing drudge work either - but my life is better when there aren't mounds of unused clothes taking up room in the kids wardrobe, or when I can open the downstairs cupboard and actually find things, or we're not always missing a few bits of whatever game we want to play, so at the weekend, I do a few bits and pieces to just keep on top (OK, keep my nose just above the surface) of these types of jobs.

user1492757084 · 02/05/2023 06:17

You do the essentials. Good on you.
Everyone is healthy and happy - except DH..
Perhaps there is comprimise so that you don't become over whelmed. You could wash your car once per six months or before attending a wedding.

Husband obviously can't function without being in total control of his environment. Play Total Control by the Motels and Sadie, the Cleaning Lady by John Farnham on replay and suggest that husband could be tasked to keep the outside in order. Get him out in the sun and not producing cortisol in the reading space.

In your mind list his tasks in order of importance. For me it would be inside windows and bathroom ceiling.
I would attend to these over a month while also reading.
Helping with one or two of his inside tasks per month would be generous but not essential. And, remember, I've allocated him to be outside preening leaving the library a place of solitude.

Teach the kids to tidy up their own puzzles - before they get another one out, tidy up the first one. Put their toys away before watching a film. Get them into a habit that leaves more time for you to read.

The whole family will get more reading time and time for play and reflection if you all pull together and tidy for an hour or two per week and if you teach the kids to clean up after themselves early on. A child can have charge of cleaning the bathroom once per week, or mowing the lawn, puting their own toys away, washing out, bringing in bins etc.

Deligate and keep reading.

Mutabiliss · 02/05/2023 06:33

YANBU OP, and I love you. Fuck the domestic shit beyond the basics, have an inner life ❤️

Cel77 · 02/05/2023 06:39

Go for it, OP!

Tontostitis · 02/05/2023 07:04

Wake him up at 5am when you get up and say the duvet and pillows need washing.