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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

475 replies

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

OP posts:
Showdogworkingdog · 01/05/2023 18:25

I know I’m missing the point here but have you tried audiobooks? I potter around doing boring jobs all the time listening to a book, I completely zone out and my shit gets done.

Skodacool · 01/05/2023 18:26

Goldbar · 30/04/2023 15:26

He sounds like he views you as an employee.

Tell him to raise your failings as a housekeeper at your next performance review, at which point you'll consider all your options including resignation. Maybe the job just isn't a good fit?

🤣😂🤣

azlazee1 · 01/05/2023 18:27

Life is too short, read the damn book. As for hubby - if these things bother him so much, he should get off his butt and see to them.

JudgeRudy · 01/05/2023 18:28

Lampzade · 30/04/2023 12:08

Tell your dh to start doing these ‘essential’ tasks if it bothers him so much.
It appears as though you are fed up Op.

It's impossible to say whether you're being unreasonable or not without knowing how many 'non urgent' jobs you have to get through or what the balance is with workload.
I do think it's unfair when one partner takes it upon themselves to say when and how tasks get tackled and starts to delegate particularly if you're in the middle of something else. Personally I loath planning anything for a Monday evening (or Tuesday if BH) but I'd be OK having a flurry of activity from 7pm on a Sunday night (others wouldn't). If you're a bit of a mañana planner, I can understand your OHs frustration. Could you agree a time/day next weekend? It's BH (again) so I think you should get some relaxation and some fun, but I dont think it's unreasonable to say schedule Saturday as a get stuck in day. Isn't that all part of family life, compromising and a bit of give or take.

PurpleWisteria1 · 01/05/2023 18:28

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:39

I get the kids up and ready for school every day by myself. Start work as soon as I’ve dropped them off. Finish shortly before I pick them up. Then I take them to swimming or whatever else they need driving to, or to the park. Then I feed them and help with their homework and read with them. Do a bit of housework or ironing. Then I cook for DH coming home. I don’t have any time to myself during the day. If DH isn’t out and it’s not my turn to put them to bed I get an hour to myself in the evening. Then at the weekend he’s whinging that my car needs washing and the garden needs weeding. Just leave it? I’m tired already and I still have the kids to look after by myself because he’s outside pissing about washing his car.

Show quote history

This is what really gets me at the weekend. DH wants to do jobs at the weekend. House jobs. Sometimes jobs that really don’t make any difference or that take hours to fix one tiny thing when 3.99 from Amazon wood have bought a new one.
Whilst he’s doing that though and can’t be disturbed, I’m in the house taking care of our 3 kids who are squabbling and fighting. I could go out and take the kids alone but I do that all week so really coupd do with his help and company at the weekend!

Elaina87 · 01/05/2023 18:30

I'm guessing he is working full time hence he expects you spend some of your time off doing these tasks. Not going to lie, I can feel where he's coming from, things like that get to me and when it builds up it ends up being annoying and getting out of hand. Maybe just do one a week if you have the time available, it doesn't have to totally take over your down time! If you have 2 days off a week (apart grom the weekend) spend half a day doing one those tasks? Nothing to stop him cracking on with them at the weekend either though...

Madamum18 · 01/05/2023 18:30

The weekends are his chance to see his kids properly and maybe for ALL of you to go out and have family time. He has his priorities wrong.

I would list HIS free time in hours over a week Then list your free time in hours over a week. Present it to him and tell him its unreasonable and something has to change. Then get a list of all the non essential things he wants you to do. Tell him if there is a better balance of rree time for you you will make sure that you do (say, 2of his desired tasks) at least once every 2 weeks. If he doesn't like that he can lump it!

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 01/05/2023 18:33

Wonderway19 · 01/05/2023 18:14

The responses to these posts make me crease. If a man worked part time and didn’t do any of the jobs his full time working wife asked he’d be deemed lazy, taking her for a ride, and a waste of space but when it’s the woman working part time and not pulling her weight everybody backs her cos she needs self care 😂
Imo, yes YABU - you’re talking as though this little list of tasks is something that needs to be done every day. You work part time and if your sons old enough to ride a bike I assume he’s at school, so what are you doing during the day? Sitting and reading can be done of an evening when you’re children are in bed, as can your painting… or during your days off once you’ve done the tasks that are clearly griping your husbands pud because it means he’s living in a messy home whilst working full time to fund your days off. Get the jobs done, one day at a time and then sit and read your book. Even if you spend one hour a day making a dent in one of them it’s at least showing a bit of willing!

You missed the part where she is up early every day and does everything for the kids and him and then drops the kids at school and then goes to work all day. Picks them up, takes them to activities, comes home and helps them with homework, cooks dinner, more chores.

He's faffing about pairing toys and washing his own car on the weekend.

He's not cooking,shopping, doing the laundry, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, or any of the essential daily tasks is he.

WimbyAce · 01/05/2023 18:34

It has to be a balance. I do what I call the "extra" jobs eg not regular cleaning as and when I have time and feel like it. I can't do solid jobs all weekend as there has to be time for relaxation. Our car hasn't been washed in ages (oh job) but that doesn't bother me. Sometimes I am in the mood to sort out something so I will do it. If I feel I need rest, I will rest. I always think there will come a point when the kids are older and there will be nothing but time to get these jobs done.

JusthereforXmas · 01/05/2023 18:36

My view is if it bothers the other person so much THEY can do it because its not bothering me and thus not my problem.

Someone elses OCD, triggers and views on tidiness is simply not my burden to live up to.

If I'm in my house it will be in any state I am comfortable in and past that I am living my life.

Your DH better get to tidying, painting and sorting the junk cupboard if he is so wound up by it.

Elaina87 · 01/05/2023 18:36

Just read the rest of your messages.. you don't want him to do these things at the weekend, fair enough. I don't know, they are things that need to be done, they're not all unnecessary- clothes do need sorting and taking to charity or you end up with mountains! Your priorities and possibly standards at home are different from his. Maybe spend one weekend a month doing some jobs like this- compromise!

MadeInYorkshire69 · 01/05/2023 18:40

Ha! I could have written this today… similar, trying to chill and read my book on my day off. DH interrupting me every 30 secs with inconsequential chit chat 🙄about boring jobs

Anskl · 01/05/2023 18:41

I'm with your husband on this one. It drives me mad when domestic tasks are backing up and DH's doesn't notice/doesn't care because his nose is buried in a book. Get the tasks done then chill, FFS!

Wallsofglass · 01/05/2023 18:41

I think you have to schedule both . Like you clean for two hours , then light a candle in your tidy space and read for two hours or whatever.
make a habit of both.

JusthereforXmas · 01/05/2023 18:43

Elaina87 · 01/05/2023 18:30

I'm guessing he is working full time hence he expects you spend some of your time off doing these tasks. Not going to lie, I can feel where he's coming from, things like that get to me and when it builds up it ends up being annoying and getting out of hand. Maybe just do one a week if you have the time available, it doesn't have to totally take over your down time! If you have 2 days off a week (apart grom the weekend) spend half a day doing one those tasks? Nothing to stop him cracking on with them at the weekend either though...

Childcare is a JOB and parenting 24/7 childcare job.

He comes home from his 'job' then bitches she isn't 'doing more' so he can relax... He is NOT working 'full time'.

The idea that a part time working parent during school hours so she can raise the kids when they aren't in childcare 'isn't full time work' and has 'off time' is not only perpetrating ongoing sexism but also fucking ridiculous.

allmyliesaretrue · 01/05/2023 18:52

Nereides · 30/04/2023 14:48

He gets up and goes to work. 1-2 times a week he doesn’t come in till 10, the other evenings he’s in at 7. When he’s in at 7 this is the only time he sees the kids, from 7 till 8 oclock bedtime. He puts them to bed about 3x a week. So I have them from waking up (excluding school time when I’m at work) till at least 8 oclock, five days a week.

This week he was out till 10 four nights out of five. So it seems fair for me to read my book this weekend. It’s his turn to parent. I don’t give a shit if the garden needs digging or the car needs washing, it’s my turn to rest.

Show quote history

So when does he get a turn to rest???

WhyDubai · 01/05/2023 18:54

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:20

Everyone is clean, fed and safe. DH is obsessed with doing non essential tasks instead of relaxing, so he’s washing his car and getting angry that I’m not washing my car. Because he says he’ll have to wash it. I said don’t wash it then - just leave it, I don’t care if it’s muddy. Yesterday he paired up play sets with the correct bits all afternoon, and got annoyed that I was watching The Lion King with the kids. Because I don’t care if the bits of the play sets are all mixed up in different boxes. Just leave them? DC are only going to mix them up again. I’m sick of him being angry because I want to do more with my life than just constant tidying.

Please can we swap DHs? I'd love one who does all these tasks as I love a clean, decluttered, organised house way more than my DH does.

em9283 · 01/05/2023 18:57

Haven't read the full thread but .... what's the book? 🤣

Also ynbu. Everyone needs some me time

allmyliesaretrue · 01/05/2023 19:00

Nereides · 30/04/2023 15:46

I’m hiding in the loo. It’s the only place I don’t get nagged to do stuff.

Show quote history

OK, get you point - read your later points. He's getting plenty of time to himself!!

Make a list of all you're doing, and all he's doing. Compare and contrast!! Sit him down and tell him how this isn't working for you. He can't sleep in both weekend days for a start!! Take it in turns.

Justbeekind · 01/05/2023 19:03

I literally could have written this myself. My DH has a list of non essential tasks he keeps barking at me. I said I literally do not have any time to do these unless he could offer to have the kids at any point (but honestly I'm so shattered I think I would just go and lie down!). I literally have no downtime, I'm either doing something for the kids or I am doing my work.

We have three young children. I work part time around the kids - basically fitting in work whilst the baby is napping or at night when all 3 are in bed. He works full time from home 9-4 Mon to fri but has an easy job where he gets to have loads of down time in he afternoon..plays video games/watch YouTube etc you get the idea. He has a lie in everyday. I do breakfast, school/nursery runs (all school/nursery admin), dinner (if I'm lucky once a week he may cook), bed times and all the washing and cleaning (oh actually he runs the hoover over just the living room a couple of times a week!). I've said to him my priority is the essential tasks - having a clean and tidy house and clean clothes. I simply have no time to fit anything else in. Response was 'I need to find time'!

Now almost every weekend he gets all worked up about some non essential task (cupboard needs tidying, toys need sorting, room needs rearranging, loft needs organising) and then goes and spends literally all day doing that. I honestly think it's a ploy to not spend time with the kids.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 01/05/2023 19:04

You sound lazy if all those things need doing and you are sat there reading a book I'd be mad too. You only work part-time so I'm pretty sure you have time to laze about with a book between dropping the kids off and putting a load in the washer. Life is too short... to live in a pit full of old clothes and outgrown toys. Get your jobs done and then laze, or at least make a start.

BeverlyHa · 01/05/2023 19:05

All that you mention is THE MAN'S JOB. He is very weird guy to tell you to all these things

Purplefoalfoot · 01/05/2023 19:05

YES OP

You are my favourite poster of all time. Sit and read your book/ paint/ enjoy your life. People on here bang on all the time about not being ‘mummy martyrs’ and then as soon as a woman says she’s reclaiming a small slither of time to enjoy herself all of a sudden people are saying she should get back up and on with the drudgery. Good for you and a good example to your children that life isn’t all about rushing around doing chores until you drop down dead. There is beauty and art and books to enjoy (and the occasional mumsnet!)

adriftabroad · 01/05/2023 19:08

coeurnoir · 30/04/2023 13:54

Me too.
My ex husband was always doing pointless things around the house because he felt he had to - some weird shit from his mother who wasn't happy unless she was martyring herself.

My parents worked on the premise that a day reading is never a wasted day and I've carried that on with my two and some of our best memories are of afternoons spent reading together, or drawing or playing on the computer (son in teenage years).

Luckily my second husband has the ability to ignore dirty cars and has the same approach to cupboards as me (throw something in and quickly shut the door).

Life's too short not to read that book

Show quote history

Yep.

"busywork" unbearable.
YANBU OP.

Wonderway19 · 01/05/2023 19:10

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 01/05/2023 18:33

You missed the part where she is up early every day and does everything for the kids and him and then drops the kids at school and then goes to work all day. Picks them up, takes them to activities, comes home and helps them with homework, cooks dinner, more chores.

He's faffing about pairing toys and washing his own car on the weekend.

He's not cooking,shopping, doing the laundry, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, or any of the essential daily tasks is he.

Show quote history

I didn’t miss that… she works part time. He works full time. He bring in more money than she does, she gets days off without the children to sit and do absolutely nothing, he doesn’t. So why should he spend his weekend doing jobs that she could do during the week whilst he’s keeping a roof over their head?
If the shoe was on the other foot you’d be man bashing 🙄