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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Twospaniels · 30/04/2023 09:36

Not sure if it was unreasonable or not - I don’t think I would have done it.

What I feel was unreasonable is that you had your phone off for an hour. It should have been on and on vibrate so that you would not have missed your daughter’s calls and texts.

Did the mum of A have your number?

Wellnowlookhere · 30/04/2023 09:38

No, my kids are similar ages and they are absolutely fine alone for a few hours. I’d nip that shit in the bud very quickly or she’s going to learn that manipulating people gets the result she wants.

Original poster
SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:38

Yes she has my number. Fair point about vibrate.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2023 09:38

Yes, in my opinion you were unreasonable.
You weren’t in contact.

HewasH2O · 30/04/2023 09:38

You were unreasonable that you had received loads of texts and calls without noticing. Presumably your DD told her friend that she couldn't get hold of you. The other mum shouldn't be the one you're cross with.

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:38

What time was it? I would have left my 12 year old alonr during the day but not at night no.

lunar1 · 30/04/2023 09:39

I think it's fine to leave a 12 year old who is happy for that length of time. I don't think it's ok to be somewhere you can't be contacted, she should have had a backup.

An hour is a long time for a scared child.

carriedout · 30/04/2023 09:39

IMO, 12 is still a bit too young to be left for the evening.

I think you should make a choice between the basic options which are:
-You are home
-DD is at dad's
-Babysitter
-DD comes with you

You can't outsource that decision to a 12yo, you remain responsible for the consequences.

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2023 09:39

I would not leave my 12 year old alone if I wasnt contactable

Railsailgale · 30/04/2023 09:40

You were very unreasonable figuring she could call you if she needed you and then effectively switching your phone off!

rollingpunches · 30/04/2023 09:40

I wouldn't leave mine alone at 12 for a few hours in the evening but I wouldn't say it's unreasonable. Either she was scared 😟 f being alone hence why she tried for sleepover or she was trying to manipulate the situation. Either way she made you look bad. From now on I'd get a babysitter.

Thriwit · 30/04/2023 09:40

I would leave my 12 year old for a couple of hours in the day, but not in the evening/night. Things can seem scarier after dark.
I think you were extremely unreasonable to have been uncontactable for an hour.

WilsonMilson · 30/04/2023 09:41

No issue leaving a 12 year old, but you need to be in contact at all times.
She needs to understand the potential consequences of her manipulation here, you don’t want social services on your doorstep. The other mum was actually going the right thing here imho.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:41

So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. were these calls from your daughter. In which case I'm inclined to believe she was scared.

Railsailgale · 30/04/2023 09:41

You may as well wrap up the thread now. Everyone will say exactly the same thing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2023 09:41

I think it was fine to leave her. I’ve left my 14 yo similarly when she was refusing to go to her dad’s when it’s been a special occasion.

However I tend to have my phone accessible.

She also has access to my close friends’ numbers through our shared contacts should she be unable to get through to me for any reason - a few times she and her mates of the same age have phone a different mum to get a message through to the one who’s actually wanted.

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 09:41

So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc

She did call you - multiple times.

youhavenoshameonyourface · 30/04/2023 09:42

You should have been contactable at all times. What if there'd been a fire? An accident? You wouldn't have found out for an hour.

Totally unreasonable.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/04/2023 09:42

YAVU to have your phone off. What the fuck were you thinking? And no, I wouldn’t have left my 12 year old all evening.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 09:42

Little madam! Like hell she was scared. I'd love to see the mum's MN thread about it!

Noicant · 30/04/2023 09:42

I would have done what the other mum did. You should have been contactable and it’s clear your Dd can’t be on her own because either she was scared or she doesn’t have the maturity to be left for a period of time.

CwmYoy · 30/04/2023 09:42

When I was 12 I was babysitting a neighbour's kids

Perfectly normal to leave a NT 12 year old home alone. Many that age are left in charge of siblings.

She's being manipulative- send her to her dad every time from now on.

Scarlettpixie · 30/04/2023 09:42

You figured she could call if needed and were then uncontactable for an hour! That is a long time to a scared child. Yabu. I would have done the same as the other mum in that scenario.

Original poster
SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

OP posts:
Awrite · 30/04/2023 09:42

If your dd was being manipulative, she is being unreasonable. Make sure there are consequences.

I agree with other posters re you being uncontactable for an hour when you have left your child on their own.

I don't think the other Mum was being unreasonable. Presumably she told your dd to let you know where she was and what had happened.

We leave our 12 year old home alone sometimes. He loves the solitude.

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