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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:

Survey99 · 30/04/2023 10:08

Did you check her dad and your neighbour were home/available to be emergency contacts during the hours you were not available and she was home alone?

Grumpypotamus · 30/04/2023 10:09

You turned off your phone? That’s extremely irresponsible, when you told her she could contact you.

Now you know she can’t be left on her own, even if she says so.

And I don’t like how you put ”rescued”, she did the responsible thing.

Newname2323 · 30/04/2023 10:10

Well YANBU to leave a 12 year old alone for a couple hours but surely you realise that means you have to be contactable ? I wouldn't be mad at the other mum, what's the point in trying to contact you if your daughter had been trying for the past hour to no avail?

Littlewhitecat · 30/04/2023 10:10

YABU to tell her you were contactable and then turn your phone off. All that's taught her is that you aren't to be trusted.

XelaM · 30/04/2023 10:11

Malaiseybum · 30/04/2023 10:08

This.

I also locked myself out plenty of times. I knew to wait until someone came home, or climb through a window. A lot of kids these days are pretty pathetic tbh.

Show quote history

I totally agree and I have a (just turned 13-year-old. It's totally pathetic that posters are horrified that a (presumably) normal 12-tear-old can't be left home alone for an evening. She's 12, not 2.

Iwasafool · 30/04/2023 10:11

Did anything specific happen to scare her, funny noise, someone at the door, watching a horror film? If so I would understand, if she's being manipulative that is naughty but I do have a sneaking admiration as she is obviously resourceful if that is the case.

As to being on her own at 12 I don't see it as a big deal but I have 4 kids so if I left the four of them together they would have probably terrorised a burglar. I suppose the biggest risk of her being alone is having an accident so I do think she should have been able to get in touch.

Emeraldrings · 30/04/2023 10:11

I suspect your DD was trying it on. If she was really scared why not call her dad? You shouldn't have to tell her that.
Obviously she doesn't have the maturity to stay home alone so she'll have to go to her dad's from now on.
I have left my DD alone at that time of night when she was 12.

XelaM · 30/04/2023 10:11

Apologies for the typos.

12-year-old*

stepMummY1 · 30/04/2023 10:12

At 12 I was babysitting my baby brother and that was pre mobile days - in fact we didn't even have a landline. Next time she goes to her Dad's or a baby sitter!

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 30/04/2023 10:13

I think you two should have a back up plan. For example if she can’t reach you, she should call her Dad. I have a 12 yo and he’s generally fine at home and doesn’t contact me but he can get anxious sometimes and needs to be able to check in.

honeyrider · 30/04/2023 10:15

Your judgement is off, you should be thankful the friend's parent stepped in when you were irresponsible.

Okunevo · 30/04/2023 10:15

CovetedAsFuck · 30/04/2023 10:04

All the people asking why she didn’t try her dad … I know at that age, as a child of divorced parents I would have been scared to do that. Because I knew that if I gave one parent any ‘ammunition’ for criticising the other parent, there would be conflict and upset and ultimately, the fall-out of that would come back on me. Like, my mum would be angry at me for dropping her in it and I’d have to walk on eggshells.

I don’t know if that even makes sense but i just know it would have been an absolute last resort for me.

Obviously not all divorced parents are like that etc etc but it’s not necessarily as simple as ‘she could have called her dad’!

If things are difficult between parents then she should have another person she can contact, like family on the OP's side or a family friend. Unless she has a few reliable options to try, then that person needs to know they are on call for the night.

Deathbyfluffy · 30/04/2023 10:15

Malaiseybum · 30/04/2023 10:08

This.

I also locked myself out plenty of times. I knew to wait until someone came home, or climb through a window. A lot of kids these days are pretty pathetic tbh.

Show quote history

Yes, but they weren’t around ‘back in your day’ so they simply don’t know how to do those things.

Not answering calls / messages for an hour is borderline negligent these days

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 10:15

She tried to call you but you didn't pick up. She probably was scared.
Leaving a mature 12 for a couple of hours is fine if they can contact you at any time or you have explicitly told them they won't be able to and what do to instead.

The fact you have said it before does not mean she would expect you to ignore her calls on this occasion.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 10:17

If she had the offer of a sleepover why wouldn't you let her go on one?

It is awful to describe her as manipulative as she is 12 and you were uncontactable! I have a just turned 12 year old and would only leave her in the evening with her 16 year old brother, always with phone on vibrate and checking in with them. We would never go very far away but then we live in a city with stuff going on 10 minutes away so we don't need to.

My 16 year old and his friends got locked out on Friday at 7ish, I was not around as I was taking my DD to a music lesson. The neighbour who is an older man in his sixties rang me to tell me as he was worried about them, obviously it was fine as I was on my way home but one of the boys turns 17 in the autumn so it gives you an idea of the perception of what is normal with children.

I think you can change your mind at 12 and aren't rational, I am early 40s my Mum left my brother in charge of me at 12 but he was 15 and said he was going out and he wouldn't be long, it was snowing and I remember running out the house, down the road in the snow as I thought I'd heard someone trying to break in. I did live in quite a big detached home no neighbours either side but I was lucky and came across my Mum's friend's daughter who was 17 and loved around the corner, she took me back to yhere house until my Mum returned. My Mum had only gone to a local theatre so it wasn't even going to be that long and I definitely thought it would be fine when my brother declared he was popping out for a minute, I thought it would be fun but changed my mind.

electriclight · 30/04/2023 10:17

I don't think she was being manipulative. She phoned you lots of times, presumably so you could come home or tell her what to do.

I also don't know why you are cross with her friend's mum. She was very kind to pick your dd up. Why would she ring you if dd told her you weren't picking up? I expect she told dd to text you where she was going. I suppose you are feeling a bit embarrassed and defensive but really she deserves your thanks.

Summerfun54321 · 30/04/2023 10:17

So she's old enough to be left at home alone without being able to contact you but she's not old enough to arrange some company!?

Pick one. Most teens or adults would arrange to do something with a friend if they were home alone. If she's not old enough to be proactive and make arrangements then she definitely isn't old enough to think on her feet if there was an emergency.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/04/2023 10:18

Given that she’s been fine before, my not-so-inner cynic says your dd was maybe pretending to be scared, so the sleepover would happen after all. But she could have been watching something scary on TV, or perhaps some noise spooked her.

Whichever, another time it’ll def. have to be babysitter or her dad’s. And no, I don’t think I’d have left a 12 year old all on her own.

Mortimercat · 30/04/2023 10:18

XelaM · 30/04/2023 09:43

My daughter loves having the house to herself 😃 It's totally fine to leave a 12-year-old on her own for an evening.

Totally fine to leave some 12 year olds surely? They are not all the same. OP’s 12 year old clearly does not like it, I think friends mum was right to pick her up.

ISpyCobraKai · 30/04/2023 10:19

Yeah, she's at it, mine was exactly like that too, and then would be pissed off when I saw straight through it!
You did nothing wrong but obviously she will have to go to her Dad's in future.

Scirocco · 30/04/2023 10:19

At 12, I happily stayed home alone, but I also knew i could always contact my parents if needed. In my opinion you were unreasonable to have made yourself uncontactable. 12 year olds can't emotionally regulate and rationalise things the same as an adult - once she realised she couldn't reach you, any anxiety she had is likely to have skyrocketed.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/04/2023 10:19

Leaving her at home seems fine to me if she's a responsible 12 yo etc. (And as others have pointed out: It was also done in pre-mobile phone times.)

BUT your backup plan was for her to call you. Which obviously means that you need to pick up your phone when she calls you. You didn't and therefore made the actual enactment of your backup plan impossible....

And it is possible that she was genuinely scared and also wanted to go to her friend/her friend was simply the 1rst person she thought to contact. These things aren't mutually exclusive.

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:20

You are being ridiculous and incredibly irresponsible. As if it wasn't bad enough leaving her, you weren't even contactable?!

Disgfaceful...why are you letting her decide she doesn't like babysitters and refuse going to her fathers house. Be a parent ffs

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:21

If I told my DD13 I was going somewhere and switching my phone off while she was at home alone she'd have got anxious and scared too. That was really selfish of you.

Convovulus · 30/04/2023 10:21

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

If the dad is 5 minutes away she could have called him if she couldnt get you, so it does look like she was aiming for a sleepover.

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