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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Seeline · 30/04/2023 09:42

I agree daytime is probably ok, but not in the evening at that age.
You should definitely be contactable at all times. Possibly you not answering your phone was what freaked your DD in the first place!
I would also worry about being out in the dark on a bike and leaving a child alone - what would happen if you were in an accident? Have you discussed that scenario with her? What to do if you don't come home, who to call etc?

CrotchetyCrocheting · 30/04/2023 09:43

Thriwit · 30/04/2023 09:40

I would leave my 12 year old for a couple of hours in the day, but not in the evening/night. Things can seem scarier after dark.
I think you were extremely unreasonable to have been uncontactable for an hour.

This. My dd is 13 and I wouldn't leave her alone in the evening if ds 16 wasn't there and even then I would be contactable.

XelaM · 30/04/2023 09:43

My daughter loves having the house to herself 😃 It's totally fine to leave a 12-year-old on her own for an evening.

Seashor · 30/04/2023 09:43

I absolutely agree with what you’ve done op. She knew exactly what she was doing and next time it’s her dad’s or a babysitter. Very manipulative behaviour and 12 is fine to leave on own. I did and would.

I think the other mum is a bit trickier because I would probably have done the same. I’d just send her a text and say thanks for picking up daughter, unfortunately she was being manipulative and that you are dealing with her at home.

Starseeking · 30/04/2023 09:43

The friends mum probably didn't call you as your DD most likely told her she couldn't get hold of you, and had the many missed calls and texts to you to prove it.

By all means go out, and leave your DD home alone, but you must make sure she is able to reach you at all times.

Kendodd · 30/04/2023 09:43

I think it's fine to leave her alone.
Absolutely not fine for her to not be able to contact you.
With regards A mum, would you rather she had not gone to get your frightened and alone daughter, who couldn't contact you?

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:43

GrazingSheep · 30/04/2023 09:41

So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc

She did call you - multiple times.

Ah yes just worked out it was the daughter as friends mum didn't phone you've broken your daughter's trust in you now op

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 30/04/2023 09:44

YABU to have turned your phone off. If I was Friend As mum and had been told about her being scared and alone and not able to contact you I would have done the same as her. I have a DS 12 and would consider leaving him alone to pick up or drop off one of my other DC but I wouldn't leave him for hours. It all comes down to the individual child though, some would be OK and some wouldn't.

Soapboxqueen · 30/04/2023 09:44

I think being left in the evening is a different thing to during the day.

You obviously were not contactable which I think is a big issue for a twelve year old.

Your dd may have manipulated the situation or she have felt a bit nervous, called/texted you and you didn't answer. Repeatedly. So she got more and more anxious to the point she called her friend.

You've misjudged the situation OP

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 30/04/2023 09:44

You might be right about the manipulating if she contacted the friend instead of her father.

BillyNoM8s · 30/04/2023 09:45

Not a problem to leave her if it's during waking hours. Unreasonable of you to not be contactable though?! What if she'd actually had an emergency.

If she was genuinely frightened though, she should've called her father, not her mate... I think she was probably trying it on.

She's proven she can't be left alone now though, so she'll have to go where you tell her to go next time you're out.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/04/2023 09:45

Why didn't you just let her sleepover with her friend at the first request? Then she would have a nice night and you could have happily headed out and enjoyed your night. Sometimes we say no when really there is no need.

JustDanceAddict · 30/04/2023 09:45

12 is a tricky age - we stopped using evening babysitters when dd was 13.5 and ds was 11 (nearly 12) - a few months after that dd was babysitting other kids.
At 12 I’d say it depends on the child, but something must’ve spooked dd for her to call you/her friend and yes, you should’ve been contactable. I always checked my phone at that age.
I would say in the daytime, fine to leave in their own at 12 (nearer 13 though), but not at night.

Yogameup · 30/04/2023 09:45

If she's not comfortable being left, it's not ok.

Jeezypeepers · 30/04/2023 09:45

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 30/04/2023 09:44

You might be right about the manipulating if she contacted the friend instead of her father.

I agree with this. Her dad lives 5 minutes away and she didn’t even try to contact him? Clearly she was just angling for the sleepover she had been denied before the dramatics.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:46

Also you owe that mum a big thank you

Dilemma19 · 30/04/2023 09:46

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

Wow, you underestimated not being contactable?? Are you joking. That is bloody irresponsible of you. Your child is 12, not even a teen. And if something happened in the home, you still expected her to be able to go the neighbours a few doors down? The cheek of you to even then be annoyed at the other mum for picking her up. You should be embarrassed and thank the other mum. You left your young child alone, and was uncontactable, that says more about you rather than your dd being 'manipulative' Hmm

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:47

Jeezypeepers · 30/04/2023 09:45

I agree with this. Her dad lives 5 minutes away and she didn’t even try to contact him? Clearly she was just angling for the sleepover she had been denied before the dramatics.

Show quote history

I imagine she was contacting her friend and her friend suggested her mum could get her. She's 12 and scared and can't contact her own mum! She's not going to be thinking straight.

Babooska · 30/04/2023 09:47

even I sometimes get a bit spooked when in the house alone in the evening, a creak upstairs or a noise outside. I don’t think you should upset with 12 year old or the other mother (I would be grateful to her) but just use it as lesson learned. We all have those from time to time.

usedtobeasizeten · 30/04/2023 09:47

‘Phone me if you need me’

switches off phone…..

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 09:47

I had an horrendous step daughter who did this. She had the option to go to her grandparents, go to a friend’s house or stay home alone. She chose to stay home. We went out and after 30 minutes was bombarded with texts saying she was scared and lonely. DP at the time asked if we should go home and I said no, we’d payed for tickets and she was given 3 options, she wasn’t going to ruin my night (like she ruined everything else I did).

Next minute frantic calls from family and her friends parents … she’d put it all over Facebook that she had been “abandoned” at home, she thought there was a man trying to get into the house and she was hiding upstairs under the bed terrified. People telling her to call the police etc … it was all bullshit, when we did get in she was sprawled on the sofa watching Netflix (she didn’t know Dickhead ex had given in and decided to go home) so we caught her off guard. Hated that kid.

JustDanceAddict · 30/04/2023 09:47

Btw my friend doesn’t leave her 13 and 16 yr old together of an evening - no SEN - I did ask why but still didn’t really ‘get it’.

Mrsjayy · 30/04/2023 09:48

She phoned you she messaged you yabu to leave the responsibility of care to a 12 year old It's not up to her if she likes baby sitters or not, but now you know she's not ready to be left.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:48

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc. but it was part of your own risk assessment!

CovetedAsFuck · 30/04/2023 09:48

Easy to imagine a 12yo genuinely believing she would be totally fine — and then realising, once you had gone, that it was a bit scarier than she expected being alone in the house at night.

Manipulation is possible but it seems more likely that she was just being her age.

From your daughter’s POV, I think I would find it pretty unfair to have my fear characterised as manipulation by a parent who left me on my own in the evening and didn’t actually stay in contact.

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