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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 01/05/2023 21:29

You're the parent,you are responsible for her safety,you don't allow her to dictate where she is when you go out.
Ywbvu to leave her alone in the house .
Then to switch off your phone!
She could well have been acting because she wanted the sleepover,but what if it had been more serious?
She's a child!

Ohhoho · 01/05/2023 21:51

I think it is reasonable for a twelve year old girl to be left alone in her home for a few hours in the evening if she is happy to do so. Not if she wasn’t. Many girls babysit at that age. I think it is about consent.

JenWillsiam · 01/05/2023 21:55

Okunevo · 01/05/2023 21:22

Yes? 12 year old's do many jobs, jobs don't have to mean formal employment. First jobs could be odd jobs, or a regular responsibility in a family business.

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Sure that’s what was meant.

Okunevo · 01/05/2023 22:09

JenWillsiam · 01/05/2023 21:55

Sure that’s what was meant.

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Who thinks a 12 year old can get formal employment!?

Bucketheadbucketbum · 01/05/2023 22:11

AnyFucker · 30/04/2023 09:38

Yes, in my opinion you were unreasonable.
You weren’t in contact.

It was fine in theory, but then you weren't contactable so in practice = YABU

JenWillsiam · 01/05/2023 22:13

Okunevo · 01/05/2023 22:09

Who thinks a 12 year old can get formal employment!?

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Why are you clarifying someone else’s comment?

NomiMacaroni · 01/05/2023 22:13

People are nuts saying a 12yo can't be left alone. I was babysitting for other people by the time I was 13. But you should have been reachable

Spiderboy · 01/05/2023 22:18

Your know your DD best….

I was left alone frequently from age 11. One day age 12 I heard a sound within my home and had the FEAR. I locked myself in a room and climbed out the window to escape 😂 went to a neighbours home out of fear. It’s a hard age

LaDamaDeElche · 01/05/2023 22:21

12 is fine to be left alone and contactable. 12 isn't fine to be left alone and uncontactable. Thank god she called your friend and not the police. You would have had many more problems if she'd done that. Lesson learned.

Okunevo · 01/05/2023 22:21

JenWillsiam · 01/05/2023 22:13

Why are you clarifying someone else’s comment?

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I know how exhausting it can get when people don't use common sense

TenThousandFireflies · 01/05/2023 22:26

I think it’s quite cheeky to be like “it’s fine, there are neighbours around so she can go to them if she can’t get me”. I’d be quite unimpressed to suddenly be pulled into your family’s problems on a Saturday night without consultation. Of course I’d help. But I’d be a bit annoyed about it.

Shakespeareandi · 01/05/2023 22:27

LaDamaDeElche · 01/05/2023 22:21

12 is fine to be left alone and contactable. 12 isn't fine to be left alone and uncontactable. Thank god she called your friend and not the police. You would have had many more problems if she'd done that. Lesson learned.

Agree with this. Except, I think it is only ok to leave alone in the day. I don't think a child that age should be left at home at night at all. And who would leave their children being baby sat by a 12 year old child?! Do parents do this?? A 12 year old is a child themselves??

TenThousandFireflies · 01/05/2023 22:28

also, when I was 13 my friend was at home on a Saturday afternoon and someone broke into her house. She hid under the bed till he went away. She was utterly traumatised.

i know that it’s not a regular occurrence but that story will stay with me

TenThousandFireflies · 01/05/2023 22:29

At home on her own I mean

IhMrsPr · 01/05/2023 22:30

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 01:26

Leaving a 12 year old child alone all evening and silencing your phone so they can't reach you is disgraceful. FFS.

I agree. I hope the other mum tells the school's designated safeguarding lead about you. If I knew who you were I'd do it myself.

JenWillsiam · 01/05/2023 22:42

Okunevo · 01/05/2023 22:21

I know how exhausting it can get when people don't use common sense

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You’re wasting both our time. It wasn’t your comment. You cannot clarify anything.

Comedycook · 01/05/2023 22:52

NomiMacaroni · 01/05/2023 22:13

People are nuts saying a 12yo can't be left alone. I was babysitting for other people by the time I was 13. But you should have been reachable

It's not nuts. I'd say it's only on the cusp of being acceptable. My dd is 12 and never left at home alone...but she is a very young 12. My ds at 12 could be left at home alone for a short time during the day. I'd have never left him in the evening for several hours.

And all these anecdotes of what people were doing at age 12 decades ago are ridiculous. Oh I was babysitting all night for several young children than going home at night on several buses across several counties before getting up to put in a shift down the mines...then cooking an evening meal for my ten family members.

Ilovemycatalot · 01/05/2023 23:04

I’m shocked some posters are turning a 12 yr old girls fear into manipulation! She was probably genuinely frightened. 12 yrs old is too young to be left alone for an evening I’d say an hour or 2 hours in the daytime max.

My dd is 15 and still hates being left alone when it gets to late every child is different but regardless 12 is still to young imo.

BeeBB · 01/05/2023 23:05

AnyFucker · 30/04/2023 09:38

Yes, in my opinion you were unreasonable.
You weren’t in contact.

This

Mamanyt · 01/05/2023 23:43

I'm not the one to ask. LOL, I'm 70, and my friends and I were routinely babysitting for that long when I was her age.

Railsailgale · 02/05/2023 00:04

TenThousandFireflies · 01/05/2023 22:26

I think it’s quite cheeky to be like “it’s fine, there are neighbours around so she can go to them if she can’t get me”. I’d be quite unimpressed to suddenly be pulled into your family’s problems on a Saturday night without consultation. Of course I’d help. But I’d be a bit annoyed about it.

What if the neighbours are out? I would have the courtesy to check they're ok with being on call if I were to switch off my phone.

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 04:27

Dishwashersaurous · 01/05/2023 19:24

Just think of the reverse.

Her friend phones you scared and panicking.

You can't get hold of her mum.

What would you have done?

That's a great point!
I would have gone to pick up any of my DC's friends if they had called, scared and unable to get a hold of their parent. I also would have been messaging the parent to let them know that DC was with me.

ThankYouStavros · 02/05/2023 07:26

The fact you checked your phone after one hour is awful and something I can’t get my head around. Anything could have been happening to her and you decide to check it after an hour?

Dibbydoos · 02/05/2023 07:50

As a Gen X kid - the generation of latch key kids from age 6 or so - we were left home alone from a much younger age. I don't know if today 12yo is too young, but I'd say it isn't.

However, the reality is your daughter manipulated everyone. You def need a conversation with her and she needs to be under no doubt that what she did was unacceptable. Scared my ass.

You also need a conversation with the parent of friend A to clear the air. Firstly about what you checked prior to leaving your daughter and then what she did/wanted. Lastly about contacting you so you know where your child is if she picks her up again in the future. Be friendly, she did what she thought was the right thing and may say, the kids contacted you so she didn't feel she needed to.

Beezknees · 02/05/2023 07:54

Ohhoho · 01/05/2023 21:51

I think it is reasonable for a twelve year old girl to be left alone in her home for a few hours in the evening if she is happy to do so. Not if she wasn’t. Many girls babysit at that age. I think it is about consent.

Anyone who lets a 12 year old babysit young kids is incredibly irresponsible. Just because it is done, doesn't mean it is right.