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Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Seeline · 30/04/2023 09:48

Do you know if your DD tried to contact her Dad?
Did her Dad know she was being left on her own?
What if he'd turned his phone off too?

PortiasBiscuit · 30/04/2023 09:49

I left my 12 yo alone for an hour to take my youngest to swimming. When I came back she’d barricaded herself into the under stairs cupboard with the hamster cage.. and without the phone.
Amusing now, but she was terrified at the time and convinced someone was in the house, although we live on a properly gated estate, he’d Dad’s car was on the drive and I’d locked her in with a set of keys.
Not sure what that tells you, except not to expect logic from a 12yo.

EdieLedwell · 30/04/2023 09:50

What time was it Op?

alyceflowers · 30/04/2023 09:50

Who were the texts and calls from? Your dd?

You shouldn't have left your dd telling her she could call you and then ignored your phone.
Your dd should have called her dad before her friend.

You're the adult here though so I think blame is 90% on you.

SoShallINever · 30/04/2023 09:50

What are the reasons she won't go to her fathers?

Hoppingmad231 · 30/04/2023 09:51

When my ds was that age he was happy to be left alone all day if needed (mainly when taking dd out an he wouldn't come) but hated being alone once it started getting dark.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/04/2023 09:51

Railsailgale · 30/04/2023 09:40

You were very unreasonable figuring she could call you if she needed you and then effectively switching your phone off!

This is the issue.

LaMaG · 30/04/2023 09:51

OP I think you did nothing wrong, it was 1 bloody hour!! Surely a 12 yr old can be alone for an hour. There are many instances where phones need to be off like medical appointments or whatever. When l grew up we didn't have mobile phones so if parents went out they were out end of. And I don't remember it being a big deal.
IMO depends on neighbours, if you live in a very isolated area it's different. I live in a big housing estate so kids know if there was a real emergency they have neighbours to call to.
Your daughter is taking the piss if you ask me

ChopperC110P · 30/04/2023 09:51

12 is perfectly fine home alone. I was babysitting younger children for a wage at that age.

But you were being extremely irresponsible and thoughtless to turn off your phone so she could not contact you. She was likely scared something had happened to you when you were not responding to her calls or texts. It’s not unheard of for people to be knocked off the bicycles and killed. She could have been thinking about you dying in a ditch and no way to get you help.

I don’t think it’s manipulative as a 12yr old to then reach out to a friend for help. It was her friend who told the friends mum.

JeepersCreeperrs · 30/04/2023 09:52

I wouldn’t go out leaving my child at home alone for the second time and then my phone off.

Beachhutnut · 30/04/2023 09:52

I think 12 is too young to be left at night alone. Everything is scarier in the dark at that age and big imaginations.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:52

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 09:47

I had an horrendous step daughter who did this. She had the option to go to her grandparents, go to a friend’s house or stay home alone. She chose to stay home. We went out and after 30 minutes was bombarded with texts saying she was scared and lonely. DP at the time asked if we should go home and I said no, we’d payed for tickets and she was given 3 options, she wasn’t going to ruin my night (like she ruined everything else I did).

Next minute frantic calls from family and her friends parents … she’d put it all over Facebook that she had been “abandoned” at home, she thought there was a man trying to get into the house and she was hiding upstairs under the bed terrified. People telling her to call the police etc … it was all bullshit, when we did get in she was sprawled on the sofa watching Netflix (she didn’t know Dickhead ex had given in and decided to go home) so we caught her off guard. Hated that kid.

That is a completely different scenario

sukiwh · 30/04/2023 09:52

YANBU, 12 is old enough to be left for a few hours.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 30/04/2023 09:53

Little madam I suspect that was her plan along.
That said you wasn't contactable, that falls on you op. You can't leave a 12 year old at home alone and not be contactable, major parenting fail on your part.

I wouldn't go out in future unless she has a sitter or is at her dads. If she complains just simply say "remember how scared you was last time? We don't need another repeat of that." So she's punished for her manipulation.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/04/2023 09:53

For a gig, doors tends to be 8.15 for an 8.30 start and curfew 11.00pm. Sunset was about 8.20pm, so it had barely got dark before she was failing to contact her father just five minutes away and her friend was getting her Mum to ride to the rescue.

That doesn't sound like being scared and alone at all.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:53

Some people expect too much of 12 year olds

KittyAlfred · 30/04/2023 09:54

Leaving a 12 year old alone is ok in the day time, bit dodgy in the evening, but not too bad if she was happy with it. But as others have said, putting your phone on silent and not looking at it for an hour is seriously bad parenting in my opinion.

MRex · 30/04/2023 09:54

I don't understand why you didn't let her have a sleepover when a babysitter was an option anyway. I find it very odd that you would go out of contact for an hour with no responsible adult she could turn to and without even warning her, of course she got scared when you didn't reply. It's stranger still that your instinct is to be angry with another mum for looking after her, when there were a load of missed calls to you. And on top of all that, you don't believe a 12yo can get scared alone at night. Can she move to live with her dad, is he any better at looking after kids?

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 09:54

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:52

That is a completely different scenario

Show quote history

I suppose it is, but I’m still bitter about it. Just one of many examples of how that kid made my life hell for years

Okunevo · 30/04/2023 09:55

Did her dad know you would be uncontactable so he could make sure he was contactable? Or did she have a few other numbers of close family or friends she could call so you could be certain there would be someone in an emergency?

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:56

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 30/04/2023 09:53

Little madam I suspect that was her plan along.
That said you wasn't contactable, that falls on you op. You can't leave a 12 year old at home alone and not be contactable, major parenting fail on your part.

I wouldn't go out in future unless she has a sitter or is at her dads. If she complains just simply say "remember how scared you was last time? We don't need another repeat of that." So she's punished for her manipulation.

How could it have been her plan all along? Did she know her mum was lying when she said she'd be contactable?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 09:56

I've been "rescued" before. My parents regularly left me and one time there was a thunder storm which I am petrified of. Called my friend and she got her dad to pick me up.
Think my parents were annoyed but it was their fault for leaving me...

Ocularpatdown · 30/04/2023 09:57

I wouldn't have left her that long at night and can't get my head round the fact you were not contactable. You should be grateful the friends mother stepped in and helped when she needed it.

Arxx · 30/04/2023 09:57

I’m not sure where the line is of it being okay to leave them alone. I think it’s maybe okay for them to walk home from school and come in earlier than me (mine aren’t old enough yet) but at night it feels a bit different. As others have said, the contradiction is in ‘she can call me if needed’ but then you weren’t available and weren’t aware she was calling you. If you look at it from a different perspective, if that call had been something like someone breaking in to the house and she was hiding somewhere terrified (which she obviously wasn’t in this case), you wouldn’t forgive yourself for the fact you weren’t contactable. I’m sure she probably was just manipulating the situation to get the other parent involved but if I was the other parent and received a call from a child who couldn’t get hold of their mum, I would think most people in that situation would say they would help until the parent was available. Sounds like she isn’t mature enough to be left though if she’s going to try to get a sleepover etc and not just be content at being in alone.

Catshaveiteasy · 30/04/2023 09:58

I don't think you were unreasonable to leave her nor was the other parent unreasonable to pick her up. You were wrong to be out of contact though. I presume the friend's mum didnt call you as your dd had said you weren't answering.

I remember when my eldest was 12, she would say she was fine to be left a couple of hours and then phone us later to say she wanted us to come home. It's a transitional phase before they start to feel safe doing so. You leave, they start off ok, then change their minds. They're still kids! I guess she panicked when you didn't answer. Could be manipulation but in your shoes, I'd assume it wasnt until you are sure.