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AIBU?

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Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
skilpadde · 30/04/2023 09:58

Were the missed calls and texts from your daughter, OP?

If she was trying to contact you, couldn't because you'd switched off your phone(!!), and then called her friend, it hardly seems fair to her for you to describe her as manipulative.

If there's a next time, be contactable.

Hwory · 30/04/2023 09:58

Am I the only one wondering why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her friend but was allowed to stay home alone or go to her dads overnight?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 30/04/2023 09:59

I land somewhere in the middle of this.
No issue with 12 year old staying home alone for 3 hours in the evening.
12 year old could easily get freaked out by random house noise/over active imagination etc.
To be fair, if my 12 year old said her friend was home alone and frightened and she couldn't contact her Mum, I might well intervene on the basis that it's no huge inconvenience to me and I'd want someone to do the same for mine.
I think I would now make it clear that DD will have to have a baby sitter and just say thanks to friends parent for her help.

Littleworkaholic · 30/04/2023 10:00

Leaving her home alone, ok if she’s up for it. Turning your phone sound off so you’re uncontactable, totally unacceptable and negligent.

KnittedCardi · 30/04/2023 10:00

I'm going to do the "in my day" thing, much hated by MN. But honestly, back in the day, we were left alone at that age, parents went out partying. No mobile phones We had neighbours to knock on doors if there was a problem.

FlounderingFruitcake · 30/04/2023 10:02

If she was genuinely scared she’s too young to be left. If she was attempting to manipulate her way into a sleepover then she’s not mature enough to be left. I wouldn’t leave her again for at least another 6 months. Some 12YOs may be fine but clearly she isn’t. And when you do try it again make sure you can be contacted and put your phone on vibrate.

ReadersD1gest · 30/04/2023 10:02

But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all
This sounds like pure spite Confused. What harm would it have done to have a sleepover when she was far more comfortable with her friend than home alone?
Rushing back to frogmarch her home is just 🙄

youhavenoshameonyourface · 30/04/2023 10:02

You say she's 12 but a year is a long time to grow up at this age - has she just turned 12? Or is she almost 13?

I strongly suspect she texted you to check you were available and put her mind at rest - my 13 yr old does this if I'm out doing the shopping. When you didn't respond for an hour that's when she would have got scared. I expect she would have been fine if she knew you were doing as you said. You didn't. You let her down.

LakieLady · 30/04/2023 10:02

XelaM · 30/04/2023 09:43

My daughter loves having the house to herself 😃 It's totally fine to leave a 12-year-old on her own for an evening.

I loved being home alone when I was that age too, maybe even a bit younger. No mobiles in those days either, and we didn't even have a landline.

I'd discuss with her exactly what she was frightened of, OP, and form a view as to whether she was trying it on.

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 10:02

Hwory · 30/04/2023 09:58

Am I the only one wondering why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her friend but was allowed to stay home alone or go to her dads overnight?

Ah I assumed the friend's parents didn't want a sleepover

Qilin · 30/04/2023 10:03

The issue isn't the leaving her, with her agreement.
The issue is that you weren't contactable when she called you. She left several messages and calls and you didn't answer for over an hour. That's the issue and what makes it unreasonable.

Whilst I didn't happen this time she could have had an emergency and not been able to contact you. At 12y she needs you to be able to answer if you say she'll be able to.

Yes, your daughter may also have manipulated the situation too but if you'd answered when she first called/messaged it may not have gone that far.

Changingplace · 30/04/2023 10:03

Fine to leave her but totally not fine to then not be contactable, you’ve completely contradicted yourself by having been oblivious to all the missed calls and messages.

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2023 10:03

I have a 12 year old.

the problem is they tend to be irrational at that age so I can well believe she was scared which was exacerbated by not being able to get in touch with you. An hour is a long time when you’re frightened.

i think her friends mum did the right thing and you her thanks and an apology

Kvetching · 30/04/2023 10:04

There is no right or wrong about leaving a 12 year old alone at that age as it’s entirely dependent on the child. I was regularly left alone in the evening at that age. We’d probably have been happy to leave our eldest at that age as he was mature, but no way would we have left the youngest.

as others have said, you should have been contactable. Id have been at the very least, checking my phone every 10 minutes.

Clymene · 30/04/2023 10:04

I think it was fine to go out but you told her she could call you and then you didn't answer. And then she probably became more and more freaked out

You've set the whole process back now because she won't want you to go out again and leave her home alone.

CovetedAsFuck · 30/04/2023 10:04

All the people asking why she didn’t try her dad … I know at that age, as a child of divorced parents I would have been scared to do that. Because I knew that if I gave one parent any ‘ammunition’ for criticising the other parent, there would be conflict and upset and ultimately, the fall-out of that would come back on me. Like, my mum would be angry at me for dropping her in it and I’d have to walk on eggshells.

I don’t know if that even makes sense but i just know it would have been an absolute last resort for me.

Obviously not all divorced parents are like that etc etc but it’s not necessarily as simple as ‘she could have called her dad’!

Malaiseybum · 30/04/2023 10:05

What was she scared of? I think it's fine to leave a 12 year old alone for a few hours, but perhaps not if the 12 year old is prone to panicking over nothing.

I would work on building her resilience. I disagree with other posters that your not picking up the phone for an hour is reason for her to call someone else to collect her. Nothing had actually happened. She didn't need you for anything - she was safe at home. She needs to get used to not being in constant contact with you and needs to learn to calm herself down and be sensible.

In the pre-mobile phone days you had no choice but to wait for someone to return. Think it was psychologically healthier.

CurlewKate · 30/04/2023 10:06

If I'd been the other mum I would have been in such a quandary! I might well have done what she did-if you were out of contact the famous Mumsnet "anything" could have happened, particularly because you were on a bike. I think, if I could, I might have come and sat in your house rather than take your child away. But I don't know-she was in a difficult position. But you really should have been contactable, particualry if it was the first time she was Ali w at night.

alwaysandforevernow · 30/04/2023 10:06

I have had this exact same situation including age of child.

DD's friend age 12 texted me at 11pm saying she had been alone since 7 and was scared because she couldn't get hold of her parents, all messages to both parents were going unread.

I am friends with the parents so perhaps slightly different scenario to yours.

I agreed to go round there because what else are you supposed to say to a frightened 12 year old alone in the house getting on for a midnight? You'll be fine love!

I was at this point concerned that something might have happened to my friends as their DD said they were due home much earlier.

In the event they did then pick up their messages, I think one parent's phone was accidentally on airplane mode and the other just didn't check theirs.

They were both pissed off that she'd contacted me and saw it as manipulation.

I work in a role which involves a lot of child protection and I wouldn't have done anything differently. Her parents are big drinkers and I was genuinely concerned something might have happened.

Clymene · 30/04/2023 10:06

CovetedAsFuck · 30/04/2023 10:04

All the people asking why she didn’t try her dad … I know at that age, as a child of divorced parents I would have been scared to do that. Because I knew that if I gave one parent any ‘ammunition’ for criticising the other parent, there would be conflict and upset and ultimately, the fall-out of that would come back on me. Like, my mum would be angry at me for dropping her in it and I’d have to walk on eggshells.

I don’t know if that even makes sense but i just know it would have been an absolute last resort for me.

Obviously not all divorced parents are like that etc etc but it’s not necessarily as simple as ‘she could have called her dad’!

That's a good point.

Also why would friend A's mum bother contacting you? You weren't answering your phone or reading your texts. For all anyone knew you'd been knocked off your bicycle and lying in a ditch

matchalattewithsoy · 30/04/2023 10:06

I can't understand how OP can be so blasé about the being uncontactable thing. Surely when you have kids go out of your care you are always contactable, right? Except in cases of major illness.

Changes17 · 30/04/2023 10:07

Can you leave a 12yo at home? Depends on the child. I can leave mine at home, occasionally alone (if 16yo sibling not in) because she loves getting the place to herself, but it sounds like yours isn’t quite there yet. Next time I’d insist on taking her ‘being scared’ at face value and send her to her dad’s. Repeat until she’s old enough not to be calling you constantly to come back. You must have barely left the house before she was calling you…

alwaysandforevernow · 30/04/2023 10:07

Oh just to say my plan was to sit in the house not remove the child. Didn't have to in the end as they finally picked up messages.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 30/04/2023 10:07

You left your child home alone at night and were uncontactable. Of course YABU and you lack appropriate judgement.

As the other mum I would have contacted SS.

Malaiseybum · 30/04/2023 10:08

KnittedCardi · 30/04/2023 10:00

I'm going to do the "in my day" thing, much hated by MN. But honestly, back in the day, we were left alone at that age, parents went out partying. No mobile phones We had neighbours to knock on doors if there was a problem.

This.

I also locked myself out plenty of times. I knew to wait until someone came home, or climb through a window. A lot of kids these days are pretty pathetic tbh.

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