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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT pick my DP up from the pub?

289 replies

Coraldeo · 29/04/2023 22:42

I’m 21 weeks pregnant. DP has been playing golf today, then went to a local pub (10 minutes walk), which I dropped him to. I’ve been swimming with the kids (his two teenagers, my older child), taken them for lunch, got my hair done, come back and put the older child to bed.

I’ve put a late night snack in the oven, got my pyjamas and a movie on. Suffering with heartburn which has been common this pregnancy and obviously really tired.

DP texts me asking for a lift. He’s gone to another pub, so he’s now a 30 minute walk away, which is 10 minutes in the car. I said, I’m tired, have heartburn, I’ve put food in the oven and I just want to relax. He’s now calling me selfish, lazy and saying he’d have picked me up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2023 01:38

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2023 01:31

I got so annoyed with the 'you're pregnant, not ill' bollocks. Pregnancy is tiring, it's draining, it can make you sore and sick and tired and heavy and feel like shit.

Maybe you danced through pregnancy glowing like a fucking instagram mummy. I didn't. And OP might not either. She said she had heartburn, was making a snack, wasn't up for it. Since she's growing a whole human being, maybe she gets a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Show quote history

Couldnt agree more.

Yeah its not an illness but its not a fucking tonic either! No one went through a pregnancy and said "Oh I really must do that again, its better than a Spa!" Its worth it for the child we hopefully get at the end but if there was an easier way, who the fuck wouldnt choose that?!

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2023 01:40

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 00:08

Dh and I help each other out and unless you are having medical issues with being pregnant I am not sure how that is relevant

Congratulations on your atypical pregnancy. Most women find it just a little tiring to grow a human being. It kind of takes a bit out of you to produce that from your body. Many women find it fucking exhausting actually. Many women suffer with associated medical conditions which are both extremely common in pregnancy and are medical conditions. My personal low risk pregnancies included hg, severe anaemia, swelling and exhaustion, pelvic girdle pain so it hurts to walk and stand, and stabbing sciatic pain. Frankly if my husband weren’t understanding that this makes getting through the day a bit more challenging for me than him he’d be an ex. Some women do like to be really smug and unkind and imply this makes other women a failure. These women should take a good look in the mirror and think am I helping? The answer is no you’re not.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 01:42

@Coraldeo He’s never heard of Uber no? Tell him to call his mom( if he has one obvs) you’re not it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2023 01:43

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2023 01:40

Congratulations on your atypical pregnancy. Most women find it just a little tiring to grow a human being. It kind of takes a bit out of you to produce that from your body. Many women find it fucking exhausting actually. Many women suffer with associated medical conditions which are both extremely common in pregnancy and are medical conditions. My personal low risk pregnancies included hg, severe anaemia, swelling and exhaustion, pelvic girdle pain so it hurts to walk and stand, and stabbing sciatic pain. Frankly if my husband weren’t understanding that this makes getting through the day a bit more challenging for me than him he’d be an ex. Some women do like to be really smug and unkind and imply this makes other women a failure. These women should take a good look in the mirror and think am I helping? The answer is no you’re not.

Show quote history

❤

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 01:46

I’d turn off my phone and put a movie on. Most males I know do that when they cheat. Just turn off the phone. He’ll get where he needs to get to in the end.

DiscoBeat · 30/04/2023 01:48

Selfish and lazy? While you're looking after all his children and pregnant too?
Tell him he doesn't need a lift because he now lives at the pub!

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 01:53

How did he get there from the other pub? He’s wrong, rude and mean.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2023 02:00

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 01:53

How did he get there from the other pub? He’s wrong, rude and mean.

A half an hour walk takes 5 minutes when you are having a laugh with your mates, but it takes 2 hours (and a sore foot) when you are on your own.....

Sloelydoesit · 30/04/2023 02:10

Pregnant or not, I would never pick up anyone who needed a lift home after a day of drinking. Their day and night out, their responsibility to get home.

QueenBitch666 · 30/04/2023 02:33

You've got fun times ahead with that one Grin

Ahsoka2001 · 30/04/2023 02:54

Why is everyone judging the overall character of OP's partner from this one situation? It could well be that his playing golf and going pub while she's with the kids is a one-off.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 02:58

Ahsoka2001 · 30/04/2023 02:54

Why is everyone judging the overall character of OP's partner from this one situation? It could well be that his playing golf and going pub while she's with the kids is a one-off.

Because she says she normally does pick him up. This is just the first time she has been too tired to do it due to being pregnant. And his reaction was to call her lazy and selfish.

ArrrMeHearties · 30/04/2023 03:00

You were nice enough to drop him off so why can't he make his own way home? Especially after calling you selfish and lazy what an arse. I'm 36wks pregnant and I dropped my cousin off at his mates for a few beers earlier tonight and picked him up and took him home but he did say he would get a taxi. Told him it's fine I was up anyway (like you op hellish heartburn and can't get comfortable).

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2023 03:20

Coraldeo · 29/04/2023 23:03

And he’s also saying he’d never not get up and give me a lift, trying to make me feel guilty!

the next time he is tired from being pregnant, he can decline to give you a lift.

LadyJ2023 · 30/04/2023 03:28

Erm not sure what relevance being pregnant is unless you have health issues from it. Life continues as life does with all of my pregnancies till the bitter end lol. If you normally pick each other up and you never made it clear you were staying in tonight then its your problem tbh if normally you have no problem collecting him. I duno think your both being childish what's ten minutes in a car

Callixte · 30/04/2023 03:30

I'd probably have picked him up, but hell no to this: he’s now calling me selfish, lazy and saying he’d have picked me up, especially after you've been wrangling his children all day. He's sounding more and more unattractive the more he whinges and guilt-trips I'd be less and less likely to pick him up the more he goes on. Does he just hope to wear you down so he gets a lift right now, no care for any longer-term impact?

PriOn1 · 30/04/2023 03:33

Is your older child also his, or is this your first child with him? If this is your first child with him, then you should watch out (and stamp down hard on) any escalation of lazy and abusive behaviour patterns. Insults when you say no to something are a red flag. Unfortunately, abusive men often start to ramp up the abuse when they get a woman pregnant as they know she’s less likely to leave. Maybe this is a one off, but it’s worth bearing this dynamic in mind.

Ladybug14 · 30/04/2023 03:38

You normally pick him up

You didn't say you WOULDN'T pick him up

So I think you should collect him

I think the problem here isn't the lift/collection

It seems to me that he isn't looking after his kids and you are

And now you're having a child, which is his and which he can leave you to look after like the others

Don't enable him to be selfish and lazy with childcare

PriOn1 · 30/04/2023 03:55

You normally pick him up

You didn't say you WOULDN'T pick him up

So I think you should collect him

Sorry DP, I’m not feeling up to it right now as I’m tired and have heartburn. Can you get yourself home please?

What is the correct response here? Is it

  1. “Oh, okay.” (Potentially with a later conversation about letting him know in advance if he’s likely to find himself needing a taxi)

or

  1. “Really? You’re not going to pick me up? You’re lazy! How selfish of you.”
HerRoyalNotness · 30/04/2023 04:04

So you say no and he starts bringing the insults in an attempt to make you feel bad and manipulate you into doing what he wants. What a dickhead.

Hesma · 30/04/2023 04:24

I would have gone, only a 10 minute drive

BruceAndNosh · 30/04/2023 04:56

Funny how he can walk 6 miles round a golf course but not a mile and a bit home from the pub

PriOn1 · 30/04/2023 05:04

Hesma · 30/04/2023 04:24

I would have gone, only a 10 minute drive

So do you think that, because you would have gone, that OP shouldn’t have the right to say no?

I’m finding these responses surprising. I’d have gone too, but that doesn’t make the OP unreasonable for not wanting to, even if she just didn’t feel like it on this occasion. He has the options of walking home (30 minutes, so not excessive unless he’s drunk enough to be staggering) or getting a taxi. It’s hardly a big deal, is it?

What do you think of her partner’s response?

SkyandSurf · 30/04/2023 05:23

BruceAndNosh · 30/04/2023 04:56

Funny how he can walk 6 miles round a golf course but not a mile and a bit home from the pub

Yeah this.

Lazy feck.

She's earned a night on the sofa. He's a grown man who can figure out his own way home.

I'd have probably just pretended I didn't see the message.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/04/2023 05:26

This issue that stands out is the name calling when OP refused with a very good reason.

Selfish? Lazy? What a prince.