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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old at boyfriends house

173 replies

pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 17:36

DD13 has a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" him for a month or so. I wouldn't say it was anything serious. She isn't sexually active or anything like that.

She's asked me if she can go to his house on Monday. She says his dad will be home.

I said she can go if I speak to his dad first, she says I'm being unreasonable and embarassing.

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13. Unfortunately her dad passed away so I have nobody else to ask...

I don't know how this 13 year old boy will be. I know of him as he's in her class but I don't know him. He lives locally so she's only a 5 min drive away.

DD is fairly innocent and I don't think she's ever kissed a boy, I think she'd tell me if she did. However she is physically more developed than emotionally. She has a B cup and a womanly figure which obviously boys pay attention to.

I don't want her to go at all if I'm honest.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Showmethefood · 29/04/2023 17:45

If you don’t want her to go - you don’t have to let her go. You are the parent and you make the decisions. Don’t take anything for granted with kids. Don’t presume she will stay sexually inactive either.

ArseMenagerie · 29/04/2023 17:46

You should definitely meet the parents first - if she’s embarrassed then she doesn’t have to go. Simple as that!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/04/2023 17:47

Just have him to yours instead. That way you can oversee the situation a bit first and if you drop the boy off after maybe will meet the dad at the doorstep

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/04/2023 17:49

A close friend's daughter was raped at 13 by a 15 year old boy she fancied, during half-term at his house.

If this sounds alarmist - that's because my friend, the girl's mother, has crucified herself for years that she let her go there.

Toobusytowee · 29/04/2023 17:51

Perhaps a compromise here could be that you have him round to your house first. You can see then what he is like and that might make you feel better. You might get a quick interaction with the parents too.

Unfortunately, everything you do from now on is going to mortify your daughter and you will embarrass her whatever you do.

PerryMenno · 29/04/2023 17:52

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say no at that age.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 17:52

Can he come round to your house when you're available to supervise?

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 17:53

I think I'd have him at yours rather than the other way round.

Spottycarousel · 29/04/2023 17:55

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this.

Bobbybobbins · 29/04/2023 17:58

Yeah agree - have him to yours first so you can meet him.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 18:00

She is 13, you say no if you don't want her there, why would you think it's OK to send her to his house with just two males alone?

No, he can either come to yours so you can supervise or nothing.

Righttherights · 29/04/2023 18:01

My DD used to have her ‘friend’ that was a boy round when she was 13. I’d let them hang out in her room as she swore blind they weren’t an item, and she didn’t like him like that. (Multiple times). I naively believed her. He was saying the same to his Mum about her. We discussed it. Turned out they were lying and had been kissing. I’m glad I drew the line when he asked her for a sleepover!
I’d say you want to speak to the to the boys Dad first to agree boundaries, and if you do let her go round, agree a code she can text you if she’s not comfortable, wants to come home but not lose face, so you can call her and tell her she needs to come home?
E.g . What’s for tea?
Such a minefield!

Original poster
pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone, I wasn't sure if I was being overprotective. The boy doesn't have a mum (she's alive but not around apparently) so it would be him, his dad and DD which gives me the creeps to be honest, I'm not saying anything bad would happen but you never know!

I'm going to tell her he can come here, and if she doesn't want that then too bad.

I can’t think of a single reason why she would NEED to go there instead (unless his dad isn't going to be in!!) so I don't see the issue. She may not want him here cos of her 8yo sister being embarassing but that's life!

OP posts:
Aylestone · 29/04/2023 18:11

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/04/2023 17:49

A close friend's daughter was raped at 13 by a 15 year old boy she fancied, during half-term at his house.

If this sounds alarmist - that's because my friend, the girl's mother, has crucified herself for years that she let her go there.

The same happened to me. My mum still doesn’t know about it. I have young teenage daughters now, I’ve put them in an all girls school and they’re not allowed in boys houses.

NobodyToldYou · 29/04/2023 18:14

YANBU.

I'd meet the boy first, if they have to meet at each other's place (weird at 13!!) it needs to be at yours. How old is her BF, are they in the same year or school? How did they meet? 13 is too young! He may be pressuring her. I'd not let her go at all.

Posting her cup size on MN is a bit Hmm.

BeetleBailey · 29/04/2023 18:15

I think I'd want to have at least met the boy and the father too

JazbayGrapes · 29/04/2023 18:17

Have the boy at your house, maybe going to meet the dad is not the best idea.

Slavica · 29/04/2023 18:20

I agree with the many PPs who say, if you're not comfortable, have the boy over at your place first - it seems like a very good solution.
I've been in your shoes recently, though my daughter was close to 15 at the time. She went to his place first and there were no issues.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 18:23

Say no if you don't want her to go.

She'll thank you eventually for going with your gut.

I'd do my utmost to find extra curricular activities for your child if I were you. Thirteen is too young to be thinking of yourself as someone's girlfriend.

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 18:24

It isn’t creepy at all and that is a really unhealthy view of men. He is a single father with a son and having people over to your home is normal and no different from you having his on over. He isn’t creepy for being a single father.

And no, I would not send a 13 year old to her boyfriends house.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 18:27

And if the boy does come to your house, you need a rule in place that nobody goes upstairs/ to bedrooms.

Toobusytowee · 29/04/2023 18:32

I don’t think it’s an issue that there are two males in their house. They can’t help it that they are both male. I have happily sent my daughter to her friend’s house who is a boy and has a single dad there. Being male doesn’t make them bad.

My husband feels uncomfortable when my girls have friends over if I’m not going to be in because he’s worried the parents will be uncomfortable. I feel sorry for him.

Original poster
pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 18:33

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 18:23

Say no if you don't want her to go.

She'll thank you eventually for going with your gut.

I'd do my utmost to find extra curricular activities for your child if I were you. Thirteen is too young to be thinking of yourself as someone's girlfriend.

Thank you. She already does activities 3 days a week x

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 18:34

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 18:24

It isn’t creepy at all and that is a really unhealthy view of men. He is a single father with a son and having people over to your home is normal and no different from you having his on over. He isn’t creepy for being a single father.

And no, I would not send a 13 year old to her boyfriends house.

Being a single father isn't creepy. I think my daughter being in a house alone with 2 males is creepy; sorry I wrote it wrong

OP posts:
mamnotmum · 29/04/2023 18:47

Would it be different if your daughter had a girlfriend and she lived alone with her single mother?

If it were me id have the boyfriend to my house first. Get to meet him and perhaps meet his father too.

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