13 year old at boyfriends house

[pinkshoes87]

DD13 has a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" him for a month or so. I wouldn't say it was anything serious. She isn't sexually active or anything like that.

She's asked me if she can go to his house on Monday. She says his dad will be home.

I said she can go if I speak to his dad first, she says I'm being unreasonable and embarassing.

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13. Unfortunately her dad passed away so I have nobody else to ask...

I don't know how this 13 year old boy will be. I know of him as he's in her class but I don't know him. He lives locally so she's only a 5 min drive away.

DD is fairly innocent and I don't think she's ever kissed a boy, I think she'd tell me if she did. However she is physically more developed than emotionally. She has a B cup and a womanly figure which obviously boys pay attention to.

I don't want her to go at all if I'm honest.

AIBU??

That's just normal though if the person is decent, the OP said she found it creepy, that's the bit I am referring to. Being careful, judging situations is different, letting a girl to a BFs house even if the mum is there should be looked at surely and shouldn't just he ok. The mum may be happy for them to be upstairs, door closed at 13 and let them do whatever they please.

Would your friend really be ok that the automatic thought of his DS inviting someone round to their house creepy as it is just him and the DS there. That implies something very different.

This thread has saddened me somewhat so I want to update.

I'm not part of the "not all men" movement. Why? Because in a box of chocolates if one was poisoned (and you didn't know which) would you take that chance and eat any? Exactly...

My daughters friends all have "boyfriends" so it does seem quite usual, however it is very innocent.

That's not to say 13 year olds don't have sex because they do.

I wouldn't go to a strange man's house if I hadn't met him, so that's why I think it's creepy for DD to do that.

I don't think single fathers are creepy. I know a fair few from the widowed community I'm in.

I think a teenage girl going to a house with a man she's never met and a young boy is creepy. Even if they're lovely, how do I know that? How does she?

I've told her no and she wasn't happy - she also won't have him here because it's embarrassing apparently. So that's the end of that.

I am really sad to hear of some of the experiences other posters have.

I see the darkest of humanity in my job (one of my recent patients was raped at 14 and miscarried, by a boy in her year) so sometimes I struggle to balance overprotective with freedom.

I also remember what people were like when I was 13... I remember walking past a pub with friends on the way home and a grown man saying "if you were older I'd buy you a drink"... I might have had a womanly figure but I was definitely baby faced!

I had a "boyfriend" at 13 and we kissed and held hands, fairly innocent stuff but the world is a very different place now and it's scary. 13 now seems so much older than 13 back then.

I have spoken to her about consent many times over the last few years, also about waiting for the right person and right time. Also about putting her education and friends first. She is a sensible girl but can be easily led.

Thank you everyone for your posts xx

I find the thread horrible as many people agree that the single dad and son alone is creepy. I cannot agree with this in any way.

Look, we don't have to agree but really no need to keep on at me. I don't necessarily agree with everything you have said but you're entitled to your opinion. That is the point of MN.

Be the parent you need to be, she is only 13 and needs you to protect her.

My mother died when I was 11.

I wasn’t allowed friends to sleepover as my father didn’t feel comfortable with being an adult male in the house with someone else’s young daughter.

He didn’t explain it to me that way then, but did as I got older and I understood. He was a much older father and he had comments made before about him being like a “creepy old grandad” (all in jest, apparently but it hit him hard), and was always so careful. Even when I was 17/18 and a friend asked for a lift home after a night out, I always had to be in the car too or he would refuse.

(This was mid 90s).

If I was the dad of the BF, I wouldn't be happy with my son being in the house with two women that I don't know and haven't met.

Bit predatory imo.

I have spoken to her about consent many times over the last few years, also about waiting for the right person and right time. Also about putting her education and friends first. She is a sensible girl but can be easily led.

And that is the most important thing here, @pinkshoes87 , good for you and your daughter.

When I was 13, 14, 15... I did not have a boyfriend, nor did anyone I knew. Where and when I grew up, it was not what was done. But in the country where we live, and now, girls do have boyfriends starting at around 13, and I think sensible precautions and conversations are needed. My DD and her first boyfriend were 15 and 14 when they got together, I of course would have been happier if it had been later, but they were friends first and care for each other. Much better than a random older boy just to fit in.

I am under no illusions that it is all innocent. Yes, they are each others' first BF and GF, but that doesn't mean that they will just be holding hands forever. Talking to her and sensible precautions (safety, consent, being able to say no, and contraception before it's needed) is what we, as parents, can do.

I'm not surprised it hit him hard. Thats really tough to deal with. Not sure what the answer is but I don't think attitudes have changed much.

Well said

Thank you to those who are balancing out the thread.
As such, for me, it wouldn’t even be a debate. 13 is too young for this - whether girl or boy.
At 15 my DS was getting invites to go and watch movies alone at girls houses with no parent present. I didn’t let him do that either and talked to him about not putting himself in a vulnerable position as a male.
As I see it, other parents can be lovely, but there’s no guarantee they have the same rules and boundaries for their children.

So I am happy if he wants to bring a girl here, because there are rules about no time together upstairs and I am floating around the house on purpose. I also make sure that the girls parent has my number and the address, but of course, he’s 16 now and not 13yrs. That’s too young. They should be doing group activities with friends and being children!

I have a no boyfriend/girlfriend in the house rule until 18 (both parties over 18).

Which teenage me would be fucking horrified at!

But I didn’t want someone else’s daughter in my home with my son until they were an adult. It never happened though, ds didn’t start dating until he was 18 and at 21, he’s only ever been serious enough with one person that they have been here, but at that point they were both 20 year old adults.

And ds wasn’t going off and doing all sorts in a park anyway - he wasn’t that sort of teen, I got off very lightly with him, he’s always been fantastic and into studying and cadets. But I wouldn’t have accepted a young teen coming in and out and doing what they wanted.

I have two much younger daughters, 9 and 2. I can only pray they are as easy going and open as ds was! But the same rules will be in place and rules are explained and spoken about.

I am basically your victorian great grandmother.

I remember my parents found out that me and my boyfriend had had sex in my bedroom whilst they were out for the day… for some stupid reason, he told his mum 🤦🏼‍♀️ We were 17, so not particularly young, but the consequence from both sets of parents was no sleepovers or unsupervised visits to either of our homes!!

We still had a lot of sex in all sorts of other fun and memorable locations though. It would have been safer arguably in a house.

Being at his house isn’t the only issue for your DD. Teenagers have ways and means of getting up to all sorts. Instead focus on her young age and her not having/needing a boyfriend.

I am also the mother of both. I care about of my kids equally. The risk to boys is equal.

@Plumbear2

If something was to ever happen to your son, it would be just as awful as if it happened to your daughter, absolutely.

But when it comes to the potential risks, they are greater to a girl simply because they are less physically able to prevent an attack due to the size strength imbalance between a teen boy and an adult woman vs a teen girl and an adult man.

There are always outliers but that doesn't change the fact that most sex offences are committed by men or the fact that women and girls are statistically likely to be less able to physically prevent or escape an attack.

That's not the same as saying no boys are ever at risk from adults or that no girl will ever be able to prevent an attack. Of course emotional blackmail / coercion etc are alternative and additional risks that affect boys and girls on a level playing field.

But when it comes to the risk of sex offences and the ability to overpower an assailant, statistically there is a massive difference and it makes sense for people to risk assess accordingly.

My son knows how the treat girls/woman and is respectfully of both. My fear is girls spreading rumours that are not true ( many teenage girls, not all do make the first move then lie about it afterwards)due to the fact many woman view every man as a threat. I've told him to be on his guard for this. Yes some men are bigger but the threat to teenage boys is still there, not in the same way but a threat is there which I why I refuse to let my son only go his girlfriend's house. There has to be a balance and the protection carnt just be for girls which is why I want my son to spends as much time at my house with his girlfriend to protect him and also assess what the girls intentions are

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · Yesterday 17:47
Just have him to yours instead. That way you can oversee the situation a bit first and if you drop the boy off after maybe will meet the dad at the doorstep”

Good idea.

I have a son and a daughter

whilst I am very worried about my son being the victim of spurious claims at some point

I am a damn sight more worried about fact my daughter is genuinely much more likely to be a victim of a sexual assault.

If a girl's parents said they only want them to see each other at their house I would refuse to let my son go. There has to be some give and take. I am equally protective of my son so they are have to share the meeting place equally. It's not just about girls and their parents.

What I find strange is that the boy's parent is okay with this house visit. Unless of course they don't actually know?

I know you've told her no now OP. Might it be worth still striking up a conversation with the boys father to introduce yourself without your daughter knowing, and see where the land lies?

At 13 mine wouldn't be spending time alone with someone I didn't know. I'd have them at my house but still 13 is young for all the boyfriend nonsense so they'd not be allowed in bedrooms etc.

Oh dear 🙃

Why strange? Maybe they have strict rules in place and wouldn't let them upstairs alone or with the door closed etc. A single dad may not have lesser standards than the OP. I certainly would want to protect my son, I have been a teenage girl myself of course and obv knew many girls my age who i would not have wanted my boys around alone at 13 if they were gf/bf, and vice versa of course, i am not minimilising the risk to girls but feel there is most definitely a risk to boys too. Certainly enough to be concerned about as a parent to a boy.

So you think it's ok for a girl's parent to only allow contact in her house? What about the boy and his parents? Are we just supposed to go along with this? Not happening on my watch.

Let's face it, the risk to the 13yo girl is monumentally higher (as the lone female in a house with two males) than the 13yo boy is being at the home of the 13yo girl with either of her parents there.

I have a son and a daughter. One is much more likely to be SA at someone else's home than the other if that home only has other people in it who are the opposite sex to them.

There are some massive double standards on this thread. I personally would prefer my son at my house if I did not know the other parent as I wouldn’t have any control over what they are allowed to do at that age.

I often spent time at a particular friends house at 12/13, they had 17 and 19 yo brothers. My parents knew the mum well and had for years so they didn't bother to check it was OK, they dropped me there and collected me the next day so knew I was there. The mum was never home and also provided loads of drink. We were involved in all sorts we shouldn't have been, there were loads of drugs there (I didn't take them at that age) and also the boys trying it on sexually with us all. If it had been 12/13 yo boys going round then they would also have been vulnerable with the drinking and drugs.

This is why I would only allow them at mine unless I had actually had a conversation with the parents about what was happening at theirs.

I wasn't going to say this as it could out me but a family member of mine was accused by two 14 yo girls of molesting them. He was a student PE teacher so was suspended immediately pending investigation. It was proven that he can't have possibly done that, he was not alone with them at any time, aside from that he was also gay which they didn't know and engaged to his partner, i know this proves nothing but makes it less likely IMO.

They had made suggestive comments to him and he told them off for the inappropriate comments and they promptly reported him for sexual harassment. Thank goodness he had never been alone with them at all as who knows what would have happened but actually it turned out awfully anyway as he couldn't go back to that school, people called him a paedo regardless and he eventually killed himself. Not a chance I would allow my son alone with teenage girls if I wasn't certain there was supervision. I appreciate that I can't always do this for them but they are older now so much easier to have these discussions and explain why its a bad idea.

My point is that yes boys may not be assaulted as often as girls but there is still a huge risk.