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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old at boyfriends house

173 replies

pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 17:36

DD13 has a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" him for a month or so. I wouldn't say it was anything serious. She isn't sexually active or anything like that.

She's asked me if she can go to his house on Monday. She says his dad will be home.

I said she can go if I speak to his dad first, she says I'm being unreasonable and embarassing.

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13. Unfortunately her dad passed away so I have nobody else to ask...

I don't know how this 13 year old boy will be. I know of him as he's in her class but I don't know him. He lives locally so she's only a 5 min drive away.

DD is fairly innocent and I don't think she's ever kissed a boy, I think she'd tell me if she did. However she is physically more developed than emotionally. She has a B cup and a womanly figure which obviously boys pay attention to.

I don't want her to go at all if I'm honest.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 19:48

mamnotmum · 29/04/2023 18:47

Would it be different if your daughter had a girlfriend and she lived alone with her single mother?

If it were me id have the boyfriend to my house first. Get to meet him and perhaps meet his father too.

Yes. I would feel more comfortable with her being in a house with women than alone in a house of men. Yes it is a horrible thing to say, but the world is a horrible place sometimes

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 29/04/2023 20:19

Protect your daughter and don't let her go. It's got trouble written over it. She's 13. Protect her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/04/2023 20:52

It would be a no from me.

Dweetfidilove · 29/04/2023 21:01

From me it'd be a no.

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 21:07

pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 19:48

Yes. I would feel more comfortable with her being in a house with women than alone in a house of men. Yes it is a horrible thing to say, but the world is a horrible place sometimes

Show quote history

You can be aware of risk without deeming people creepy solely for existing as males. Have you never had a male in your home. Single fathers and sons can have female friends, girlriends, female colleagues, female family - it doesn't make them a creep to interact with women or to have females in their living space.

2bazookas · 29/04/2023 21:09

You don't need to meet the BF's parents. but I'd definitely make a casual phone call in advance to make sure one of them will be around and knows your DD will be there. You could just frame it as info; "I'll pick her up at X time"

5128gap · 29/04/2023 21:28

pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 19:48

Yes. I would feel more comfortable with her being in a house with women than alone in a house of men. Yes it is a horrible thing to say, but the world is a horrible place sometimes

Show quote history

Its not a horrible thing to say. You're not accusing this man or his son, merely carrying put a sensible risk assessment. The risk of a 13 year old girl being harmed when alone with unknown male people is higher than if those people were female. That's not your fault, and you don't need to pretend it's not the case to avoid upsetting men. Decent men fully get where those concerns origionate and would understand your caution. I agree, ask him to yours.

nighthawk99 · 29/04/2023 21:35

At that age kids are hormones on a stick.Boys and girls.

Plumbear2 · 29/04/2023 21:43

I don't understand why people are saying he should come to yours. Mums of boys are equally protective so why should it be all one way? I met my son's girlfriend and her parents before I would allow my son to go round. It's not just about protecting girls, boys have an equal right to protection

Gotofriggingsleep · 29/04/2023 21:43

I went to my first boyfriend's house when we were both 13 during Half Term. He said his parents would be in, which reassured my mum. He lied about that and wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to tell my mum the blood on my jeans was from an unexpected period. Still makes me shudder now 30yrs on.

tigerlily0 · 29/04/2023 23:29

Boyfriend at 13 - that's the problem to begin with imo

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 23:34

Stop trying to be your daughter's friend. You're her mother, and the most important job you'll ever have is to protect her, and most of that job entails protecting her from herself. She shouldn't even be going to her "boyfriend's" house. She needs you to enforce boundaries and to make rules.

gypsytrampandthief · 29/04/2023 23:35

So what do you do about it @tigerlily0?

What do YOU do when your 13 yr old says they have a boyfriend?

Tell them oh no you don't?

5128gap · 29/04/2023 23:36

Plumbear2 · 29/04/2023 21:43

I don't understand why people are saying he should come to yours. Mums of boys are equally protective so why should it be all one way? I met my son's girlfriend and her parents before I would allow my son to go round. It's not just about protecting girls, boys have an equal right to protection

I'm a mum of both. The risk to my son of going to the home of a girl and her mother is not in any way comparable to that of my daughter going to the home of a boy and his father. We all know this full well, so I'm not sure why we should maintain a fiction otherwise. Besides, the OP isn't the boys parent, so it's up to his father to do the risk assessment for his son and decline the invitation if he wishes.

Deadringer · 29/04/2023 23:38

13 is too young for a boyfriend imo. So it would be a no from me.

Thisiscrazyshite · 29/04/2023 23:40

I don’t think you’re being overprotective at all. I’d be exactly the same. I would not let my dd in a house with 2 males I have never met, end of, regardless of circumstances.

She is young for a boyfriend and I’m sure it’s all quite innocent at this stage but you do need to set clear boundaries to protect her. She won’t like you for it but that doesn’t matter right now, her safety does and she will come around again.

tigerlily0 · 29/04/2023 23:42

Il make sure my kids go to school to educate and teach them they don't need a gf or bf. And definitely dont need to be going to their house at age 13. My parents did it with me, kept me on the straight and narrow and paid attention to everything I was doing whilst keeping boundaries and keeping an interest in my life. I survived high school without a bf, I was very popular and got A* in all my subjects too. Most of my peers and my friends were like me. The girls who had bfs that young usually ended up pregnant before the end of school.

I'm only saying this cos you asked what I would do. I'm not judging but i do believe parents have a huge responsibility of protecting their kids and keeping them on the right path age appropriate.

Fansandblankets · 29/04/2023 23:48

I definitely wouldn’t allow that without speaking to the parents first. Tough if she funds that embarrassing.

Fansandblankets · 29/04/2023 23:52

tigerlily0 · 29/04/2023 23:42

Il make sure my kids go to school to educate and teach them they don't need a gf or bf. And definitely dont need to be going to their house at age 13. My parents did it with me, kept me on the straight and narrow and paid attention to everything I was doing whilst keeping boundaries and keeping an interest in my life. I survived high school without a bf, I was very popular and got A* in all my subjects too. Most of my peers and my friends were like me. The girls who had bfs that young usually ended up pregnant before the end of school.

I'm only saying this cos you asked what I would do. I'm not judging but i do believe parents have a huge responsibility of protecting their kids and keeping them on the right path age appropriate.

I agree. My daughter is 17. She’s hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. There was no way at 13 I would have let her go to a boys house. I wouldn’t be encouraging boys at ours either.

Northernsouloldies · 29/04/2023 23:53

Gotofriggingsleep · 29/04/2023 21:43

I went to my first boyfriend's house when we were both 13 during Half Term. He said his parents would be in, which reassured my mum. He lied about that and wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to tell my mum the blood on my jeans was from an unexpected period. Still makes me shudder now 30yrs on.

No wonder you shudder 30yr later, that wasn't innocent teenage fumblings that was rape. That's definitely not a way to discover sex. Sorry what you went through.

SoShallINever · 29/04/2023 23:55

I have had similar and just said No.
My DD is an adult now and is actually glad that we protected her young teenage self.
You are her mother not her friend.

Superunknown1 · 30/04/2023 00:33

i wish my parents had said no to this at that age, I came across innocent as can be and it wasn’t until adulthood that I was able to tell my mom that I’d been assaulted by the boy they used to drive me over to visit after school and on weekends. Not to scare you, just my experience and something to think about. I was very shy and introverted and unfortunately easily taken advantage of

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 00:34

I'm really surprised the father hasn't insisted on meeting/talking to you first before inviting a 13-year-old child into his house. Which also makes me wonder if he even knows she's going to be there.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 00:54

5128gap · 29/04/2023 23:36

I'm a mum of both. The risk to my son of going to the home of a girl and her mother is not in any way comparable to that of my daughter going to the home of a boy and his father. We all know this full well, so I'm not sure why we should maintain a fiction otherwise. Besides, the OP isn't the boys parent, so it's up to his father to do the risk assessment for his son and decline the invitation if he wishes.

Show quote history

Exactly. I agree with @5128gap. There are different risks for girls and boys and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 00:58

@pinkshoes87 My dd is not yet a teenager but at that age there is no way I would say yes to that. She’ll probably get angry at me, not understand why?

Unfortunately I think it’s one of those: ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ situations.