13 year old at boyfriends house

[pinkshoes87]

DD13 has a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" him for a month or so. I wouldn't say it was anything serious. She isn't sexually active or anything like that.

She's asked me if she can go to his house on Monday. She says his dad will be home.

I said she can go if I speak to his dad first, she says I'm being unreasonable and embarassing.

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13. Unfortunately her dad passed away so I have nobody else to ask...

I don't know how this 13 year old boy will be. I know of him as he's in her class but I don't know him. He lives locally so she's only a 5 min drive away.

DD is fairly innocent and I don't think she's ever kissed a boy, I think she'd tell me if she did. However she is physically more developed than emotionally. She has a B cup and a womanly figure which obviously boys pay attention to.

I don't want her to go at all if I'm honest.

AIBU??

This thread is really horrible. At 13 they are at an age where I wouldn't expect to meet or know the parents houses they are going to, they usually manage their own friendships at that point, we generally know the kids quite well as they are back and forwards from each others houses. We would always text the parents if the kids were going for sleepovers.

However I probably would want them to be at ours if I didn't know the parents of a boyfriend. That age is a tricky one, old enough to be sexually interested but too young to actually be in that sort of relationship. I wouldn't really want them to have bfs/gfs at that age as its pointless, I had bfs that were older than me at 13 and I definitely was involved in stuff I probably wasn't ready for, essentially I was fine but I wouldn't have wanted my kids to be doing the stuff I was.

My youngest DCs best friend says they are bi, DC been honest with us from when they became friends which was about 11/12 yo. That's a tricky one to navigate, my DC is very open about it all though and definitely doesn't have an interest in their friend in a non platonic way but it's a minefield at first. They are still best friends at 15 and stay at each others houses all the time. I know the parents well and my DS goes on holiday with them often. In the holidays the friend practically lives here.

Sorry that meant to say this thread is horrible with regards to the comments about the single dad IMO.

Where to start!

so you wouldn’t be happy with boyfriend at yours if you didn’t know the parents

but totally happy for your child to be at boyfriends without you knowing the parents

and that’s just for starters! Full of contradictions

I had a boyfriend at 13 and we were left to our own devices when at each others houses. We didn’t have sex but we did a lot of other stuff that we were far too young to do. Neither of us were forced and we were both up for it but looking back I cringe a bit at how young we were. Our parents knew each other well so they felt comfortable with the other ones kid being there and had no idea what we were up to.
I’d ask for the Dads phone number and give him a call. Explain your concerns and suggest the BF comes to yours first. If he’s a decent dad, he will understand.

The OP didn't call anyone a creep. She said the situation of her 13 year old being in a house with two males the OP has never met was creepy.

I've talked to my DD's about taking risks and how they sadly have to think about this sort of thing. I wish I didn't have to.

The first time my dd went to a house party she was 18, last year after her A levels. It was the house of the boyfriend of a friend of hers from sixth form. She went with two friends.

At the party one of the friends went into a study to get her coat as she wanted to sit outside as it was cold. She went in and a 16 year old followed her in and raped her. She came out after the rape and went to find my dd and they didn't know what to do, they wanted to get out but they couldn't get an Uber and they were too scared to phone any parents despite us telling her to always ring us if she needs us no matter what. Neither of them know where they were geographically because they had got an Uber.

Anyway, my dd is at university now. She has male friends and male flatmates and she still goes to parties but it's changed who she is and how she views the world. She's more cautious. I don't know that she's ever going to be able to think that it will be a cold day in hell before I don't do what I want like the PP.

And when my next dd is going to parties I will be risk assessing that situation in another way. Such as giving her a load of cash in case she needs an emergency taxi and getting her to look on google maps she she knows where she is.

We are allowed different opinion you know, you aren't necessarily right in your view, you just have a different opinion.

And no I said if it was bf I would want them at ours, I wouldn't want them at theirs if I did not know the parents. For instance if I had rules about no closed doors etc then obv I wouldn't know the others parents felt the same. The first part of my post was discussing friends, it has been mentioned that people don't let their DCs to friends houses at 13 without knowing the parents, during the day (not sleepovers) I find that very strange, and treating 13 yos like babies IMO.

But your opening line is how “very sad” this thread makes you because at this age they should be managing their own relationships

you then go on to say pretty much exactly what most of us are saying!!

And this shows it really makes no difference, they were comfortable with you being together and you still did things you probably shouldn't have. This proves there is no real correct answer in this situation. All you can do is ensure you know where your kids are and check other parents are fine with it.

My DCs have definitely been brought up knowing it is unnecessary to have GF/BFs as young teens, they have always been under the opinion that those sort of relationships are adult relationships (I have never specifically said that to them) and they have come to that conclusion themselves. They are very open with me which is good.

Existing in your home and having a friend over isn't creepy and doen't make you a creepy. What made it creepy was that they were men and to the PP, they were therefore creeps, creating a creepy situation. Maybe the father cares about his son and likes to supervise what he does as well - and that is why they suggested goig there - not because the two of them are creeps, drooling over getting a 13 year old alone at their house with them. The assumption that he and his son are creeps for being single father and son duo who invite the son's girlfriend to the house is so sexist and just wrong.

Believe it or not you can assess risk and take measures to mitigate risk without hating and name calling people just for existing.

No I corrected myself underneath as had missed a vital part of that sentence. Totally my fault as it was not connected to the next sentence!

I find that very strange, and treating 13 yos like babies IMO.

Surely that's the opposite of treating them like babies. I'd have no problem at all with my female baby being in a bedroom with a male baby alone with the door closed.

But teenagers being in a bedroom with the door closed I would not be quite so relaxed about. Babies and teenagers have very different interests.

So you don’t find this thread “really horrible”?

Have you talked to her about contraception? If you haven't I'd say you probably should.

Have you talked to her about true consent and how to stay safe, say no, see warning signs? It's her body and should be her choice, and if a boyfriend puts any kind of pressure / emotional blackmail / wheedling on her, he's no friend.

Have you talked to her about the old fashioned and not always true, but still quite useful generalisation, "Girls play at sex because they want love, Boys play at love because they want sex."

It's not just a matter of protecting her from a physical encounter (they will find a way) it's protecting her by opening her eyes and arming her with the tools to navigate her teenage years.

@Freefall212 my point is she didn't call anybody a creep which is what you said she said and I was responding to.

This is exactly the part I find really sad about this thread. My DH and his sister were brought up by a single dad, very unusually in the early 70s, their mum left them when they were both under 3. To think that over protective parents of SILs friends may not have let them round because of DH and his dad being so creepy for daring to be male and not having a wife is horrible IMO.

Do whatever risk assessment you want, I just find some of the attitudes quite awful personally.

Or maybe the son asked his dad if he could have his girlfriend over and the dad said sure, it would be great to meet her. Just a completely normal conversation that parents have all the time. Yet many posters on here can't consider that possibility - the only option is that he and his son are creeps.

@pinkshoes87

Following on from my post just now, this could be helpful for her:

The Girls' Guide to Growing Up amzn.eu/d/aFiti83

Exactly. We were both ‘good, sensible’ kids aswell, but I suppose hormones and curiosity got the better of us. My mum never had any conversation about that stuff with me because I honestly think she had no concerns that it would ever happen. She knew me and the lad were BF and GF but I think she thought it was just an innocent friendship thing with maybe the odd cuddle. My poor mum!

Yes she did. What made the situation creepy is that the men are creeps. What else would be creepy? Nothing. Is the two men in the house that are creepy. The only people involved are the single father and son and nothing has been said about them other than that they are males. It is them being creeps which makes the situation creepy.

@Freefall212 - I don't think people are saying that, they are just saying it's risky as the op doesn't know them at all. And statistically girls do get raped or put in situations where they feel pressured all the time.

So they agree with OP's gut feeling that she should be wary and protect her daughter until she's sure. It's not saying this particular man and his son are creeps - we don't know them at all!!

Seriously, it's a saying, babying your kids doesn't mean actually treating them like they are 5 months old. It means treating them much younger that they are. Not having the door closed for 13/14 yos is pretty normal and sensible IMO. Not allowing them round at all is not.

Parenting teens is tough, I would much prefer them to be here with me all the time so I know they are safe and not doing stuff they shouldn't be however my job is to actually parent them, teach them good values, put boundaries in place where necessary but also prepare them for becoming adults as it doesn't happen overnight once they turn 18 (well 25 according to MN).

They cannot be permanently wrapped up in cotton wool. Doesn't mean that you have to say yes to every scenario but assess each thing individually and talk to them etc. My DS was 14.5 and wanted to stay over at his female friends house. They were definitely just friends but she was 16 and had a 17 yo BF, the other girls were 16 also. I said no as I felt he would be in a position to potentially not be able to say no to something he wasn't ready for. I didn't say no to him being there in the daytime as I knew the (single) mum plus i knew he was only friends with that particular girl but night time woth a groups of them adds a whole host of different issues. If he had been 16 I would have said yes.

If he were her friend,not her boyfriend, and you had met the father, would you let her go?

This thread is very surprising to me. In the 1980s, aged 13, I went on a walking holiday for ten days with two boys from my class, just the three of us and no adults. They weren't my boyfriends and I imagine my mum had met their parents.
Nothing sexual happened and all was fine. This is an anecdote with a different result from the awful things that happened to other girls on this thread. My mum was normally very strict, so I am trying to work out if it's the fact he's her boyfriend that's the problem.

When my DS was 11/12 I had to talk to him about girls. He had girls in his class pressuring him to go out with a girl in his class they started bullying him saying he must like boys as he was saying no. In the end he said yes and every day he would get texted saying do you still like me a few years later the girl has an older bf I regularly see them when they should be in school ! My DS is busy revising for GCSEs with no interest in Gfs says they are too needy and demanding.

This! I don't know the boy or his dad to say they're creepy. I think it's creepy for my girl to be alone in a house with 2 males that I don't know, and one of which she doesn't know. The situation is creepy not the people.

My friend is a widowed single dad to a teen daughter. He completely understands how his status as loan male in his household means he will not enjoy the automatic trust likely to be given to a woman in his situation. He would be hypocritical to expect it, given he wouldn't allow his own daughter to go to the home of an unknown male either. I'd be surprised if many fathers would.
I think your sadness on behalf of men is misplaced. Good men get this. They understand, and are considerate and patient in earning trust. The ones who centre their own hurt feelings and think their right to be trusted overides women's right to feel safe don't actually deserve your pity.