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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old at boyfriends house

173 replies

pinkshoes87 · 29/04/2023 17:36

DD13 has a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" him for a month or so. I wouldn't say it was anything serious. She isn't sexually active or anything like that.

She's asked me if she can go to his house on Monday. She says his dad will be home.

I said she can go if I speak to his dad first, she says I'm being unreasonable and embarassing.

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13. Unfortunately her dad passed away so I have nobody else to ask...

I don't know how this 13 year old boy will be. I know of him as he's in her class but I don't know him. He lives locally so she's only a 5 min drive away.

DD is fairly innocent and I don't think she's ever kissed a boy, I think she'd tell me if she did. However she is physically more developed than emotionally. She has a B cup and a womanly figure which obviously boys pay attention to.

I don't want her to go at all if I'm honest.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 30/04/2023 07:34

I don't think it's make dislike more the statistical reality that boys and men are more likely to assault someone they know. That's brilliant you're teaching your teen about consent etc but many won't be and ultimately it's better to be safe than sorry as lots of us can attest to on here.

katyperryseyelid · 30/04/2023 07:37

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:29

Can I just say that whilst I agree perhaps going to his house is not appropriate...all this talk of hormones and horny boys is making me feel uncomfortable

I have a just turned 14yr DS and I have thought him about consent and appropriate sexual activity for his age.

I am getting a vibe or theme of male dislike in this thread which makes me sad. I also have a teenaged DD17 so I get anxiety around protecting our kids

Thank you.

When ds was younger and threads like this would crop up, people would always tell me that I didn’t know my ds, basically, and that he much be some sort of demon who was a danger to all girls.

Some teenage boys have an excellent relationship with parents and have been spoken to about issues around sex and consent.

Doris86 · 30/04/2023 07:37

Does she not want you to ask the Dad because it’s embarrassing as she says, or because the Dad has no idea and they are trying to go to the house secretly while he isn’t there? That would be my concern.

YellowDots · 30/04/2023 07:37

I don't think it matters of mothers of boys feel uncomfortable when discussing this topic. You will just have to feel that discomfort,

Preventing other people from feeling uncomfortable is often why women feel obligated to be in situations they would rather not be in. They don't cross the road when they see a man walking towards them at night for example.

Would you get in someone's' car, a man's car, or go back to a colleague's house where there was just him and another man on a Friday night without a thought for your own safety?

Most women are continually assessing the risks. I had to decide yesterday whether I would take my dog on a walk through the isolated and beautiful bluebell woods yesterday or to the busy park. I don't think 'my husband and all the other men in my life are good men so I will be fine in the bluebell wood's' because I read the news.

YellowDots · 30/04/2023 07:41

I don't dislike teenage boys, I know many and both my girls have male friends and always have. In fact they both had best friends who are boys in primary and are still friends with them now. But I still wouldn't have wanted them going to a boyfriend who I had never met home after school at 13.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 07:44

YellowDots · 30/04/2023 07:37

I don't think it matters of mothers of boys feel uncomfortable when discussing this topic. You will just have to feel that discomfort,

Preventing other people from feeling uncomfortable is often why women feel obligated to be in situations they would rather not be in. They don't cross the road when they see a man walking towards them at night for example.

Would you get in someone's' car, a man's car, or go back to a colleague's house where there was just him and another man on a Friday night without a thought for your own safety?

Most women are continually assessing the risks. I had to decide yesterday whether I would take my dog on a walk through the isolated and beautiful bluebell woods yesterday or to the busy park. I don't think 'my husband and all the other men in my life are good men so I will be fine in the bluebell wood's' because I read the news.

Did you go?

crew2022 · 30/04/2023 07:45

I would definitely say no to this if it was my dd or if my ds suggested it I would also say no.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 07:47

I'm trying to balance it between being her parent and remembering what it's like being 13.

what are your memories of being 13 OP?

because mine (and not will my children’s be) going around to a boyfriend’s homes

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/04/2023 07:47

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 05:55

I have a 13 year old DS

You and I might as well be on different planets for how we parent OP in terms of freedom

That is a statement of the blindingly obvious

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:47

YellowDots · 30/04/2023 07:37

I don't think it matters of mothers of boys feel uncomfortable when discussing this topic. You will just have to feel that discomfort,

Preventing other people from feeling uncomfortable is often why women feel obligated to be in situations they would rather not be in. They don't cross the road when they see a man walking towards them at night for example.

Would you get in someone's' car, a man's car, or go back to a colleague's house where there was just him and another man on a Friday night without a thought for your own safety?

Most women are continually assessing the risks. I had to decide yesterday whether I would take my dog on a walk through the isolated and beautiful bluebell woods yesterday or to the busy park. I don't think 'my husband and all the other men in my life are good men so I will be fine in the bluebell wood's' because I read the news.

Of course we should Discuss it. Totally agree.

I like men, have great male friendships and colleagues and have a great DP and DS as well as a lovely father and FIL and nephews etc...

Let's try to out the male violence into some perspective.

Life has risks in everything we do.

My point is the overwhelming majority or males (I don't know the statistics) do not and will not attack women or sexually assault them

Isthisexpected · 30/04/2023 07:52

Children aged 15-17 made up 82% of the offending population, while making up 35% of the 10-17 population in England and Wales. Boys made up 87% of the offending population compared with 51% of the 10-17 population in England and Wales.

From the government website.

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:52

I can almost guarantee that most teenage boys and girls will still Engage in sexual activity their parents would be horrified at outdoors, in the park etc

I remember my first "boyfriend" and 13/14 we snogged in the park, he tried to touch my breasts and I said no and dumped him 🤣 I wasn't emotionally mature for that type of relationship.

My mum had no idea is the point I'm making.

My DS 14 announced last night that he had a girlfriend for 4 months over the winter! I had no clue and the very few times he went out to meet his mates at the local village they we're probably together but I hope and trust that all the education and guidance I have given him will help make him a trusted and respectful man.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 07:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/04/2023 07:47

That is a statement of the blindingly obvious

Show quote history

Clearly not

I meant no bloody well would my 13 year old being going over to a boyfriend or girlfriends house

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:54

Isthisexpected · 30/04/2023 07:52

Children aged 15-17 made up 82% of the offending population, while making up 35% of the 10-17 population in England and Wales. Boys made up 87% of the offending population compared with 51% of the 10-17 population in England and Wales.

From the government website.

82% of what number...would be my first question

You have to put statistics into context

5128gap · 30/04/2023 07:54

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:29

Can I just say that whilst I agree perhaps going to his house is not appropriate...all this talk of hormones and horny boys is making me feel uncomfortable

I have a just turned 14yr DS and I have thought him about consent and appropriate sexual activity for his age.

I am getting a vibe or theme of male dislike in this thread which makes me sad. I also have a teenaged DD17 so I get anxiety around protecting our kids

You are conflating the need for women to protect their daughters from men with an irrational 'dislike' of all men. They are too entirely different things.
I have men in my life that I love and many others that I like and respect. This makes no difference to my awareness of the danger posed to women and girls by men, or the level of vigilance I would apply around unknown men.
The men in my life, because they are decent, would not be 'upset' by that as you are. They fully understand that because of the behaviour of some men they will have to earn the trust of women rather than recieve it unconditionally.
Part of teaching our sons about respect, consent and appropriate sexual behaviour is teaching them about the wider context and how the behaviour of some males can shape and inform women's attitudes to men in general.
This means that if they want to be seen as 'safe' men, they need to prove themselves as such through their attitudes and behaviour, rather than exprcting women to set aside their fears to avoid offending them; or getting upset because sensible women are wary of them.

YellowDots · 30/04/2023 07:55

Did you go?

I did go. I usually would walk the dog early before taking my dd to her activity at ten so I switched to taking the dog after the activity at 12 as I thought it would be more likely that there were other people around.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:01

Some people seem to expect a lot of maturity and adult thinking from hormonal children. You're putting a lot of responsibility on a young girl to feel comfortable saying "no". And you're putting a lot of responsibility on both to say "no" when they both want to say yes. 13-year-olds are just not mature enough for that responsibility. It doesn't matter how open they are with you, or how many talks you've had with them, they're still too young to be sensible with this stuff. At this age it is still your responsibility to make these decision for them.

Murdoch1949 · 30/04/2023 08:01

Until you have met and got to know the father, no, your daughter should not be alone in his house. You have no idea about the dad, you could be sending your daughter to a house where she could be offered alcohol, where she could watch unsuitable films etc. Get to know the boy by allowing him to come to your home, be collected by his dad, once you feel he is trustworthy you could reconsider.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:03

So you didn’t actually go
What you did is change you plans so that could go at a time when more people

I am a very early morning runner and run in very isolated places. It will be a cold day in hell before I change my running plans out of fear re who I come across on this beautiful quiet early morning runs in woodland

savoycabbage · 30/04/2023 08:04

Great post @5128gap

I agree with the posters saying he should be invited to your house. Your dd needs to be somewhere where she is in control of the situation.

Owchy · 30/04/2023 08:10

That would be a hard no from me.

He can come to yours or nothing. I don’t care if I’m an embarrassing mum or any other non-cool adjective. My job is not to be cool, I do that with my friends.

Owchy · 30/04/2023 08:12

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:03

So you didn’t actually go
What you did is change you plans so that could go at a time when more people

I am a very early morning runner and run in very isolated places. It will be a cold day in hell before I change my running plans out of fear re who I come across on this beautiful quiet early morning runs in woodland

What’s your point here? That everyone has different levels of risk assessment - yes they do.

Freefall212 · 30/04/2023 08:38

Whitegrenache · 30/04/2023 07:29

Can I just say that whilst I agree perhaps going to his house is not appropriate...all this talk of hormones and horny boys is making me feel uncomfortable

I have a just turned 14yr DS and I have thought him about consent and appropriate sexual activity for his age.

I am getting a vibe or theme of male dislike in this thread which makes me sad. I also have a teenaged DD17 so I get anxiety around protecting our kids

Exactly. Calling all men creeps for no reason other than having a penis and telling young boys they are just innately creepy for being male does nothing to build respect for anyone. Raising your sons to believe they have no worth and are a creep for existing isn't going to keep women or girls safer. I ahve never really understood why people think hating men and name calling them for existing is going to do anything positive. Directing undeserved hate at people due to a characteristic they were born with (race, gender) does not make them more likely to respect those that hate them. Nor does name calling them build respect for others. Hating women or men and name calling them for no reason other than their gender serves no one well.

HikingforScenery · 30/04/2023 08:49

I agree with those saying DD would not be going to this bf’s house, if I were in your position.

I wouldn’t want my DS to go to a girlfriend’s house either, at that age

At my house, they’d just hang out in common areas and I’d be close by.

If i could trust 100% the other parent would do the same, then maybe.

I don’t see either of mine having a bf or gf at 13 though

HikingforScenery · 30/04/2023 08:49

HikingforScenery · 30/04/2023 08:49

I agree with those saying DD would not be going to this bf’s house, if I were in your position.

I wouldn’t want my DS to go to a girlfriend’s house either, at that age

At my house, they’d just hang out in common areas and I’d be close by.

If i could trust 100% the other parent would do the same, then maybe.

I don’t see either of mine having a bf or gf at 13 though

  • any of mine