Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

[pinotnow]

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

Question as genuinely want to know.

Why is it wrong to not pay maintenance when CMS, after taking everything into consideration, have said he doesn't have to?

A number of reasons, When we first split he got reasonably well-paid work (he had been sahd when we were together) but he hated it and packed it in within a year or so - I hadn't been claiming then as it wasn't definite we'd divorce. He packed it in because it bored him and he knew I'd pick up any slack with the kids. Secondly, he doesn't have to pay because of how many nights he has them because that's supposed to signify him spending a certain amount on clothes etc but he spends zero. Also, he quite often cancels one of the nights due to gigs. Never any notice given and communicated through the dc. Eg this weekend they were meant to be at his Thurs - Sun evening but I got a text from ds last night saying I needed to pick them up at 11.30 this morning. So 5 meals they were meant to have at this they won't. Sounds petty but it happens all the time. It's also the lack of notice that pisses me off (though I love having the dc - it's not that).

Thirdly, the inheritance. While I get that he wanted to sort housing he could have at least offered to buy them some school shoes or something for the first time ever. But nothing. He thinks paying for stuff is up to me because that's how we did it when together. Finally, he must have more money than he's letting on to have paid for the tickets - maybe the inheritance was bigger than he said and he has some left over, I don't know but it's annoying to say the least that he suddenly finds the money for this.

I wouldn't mind him not paying CM though if he would write off the £10k I have to give him when ds2 is 21, but I have no reason to believe he will.

OP,

Based on what you have just said above, I suggest keeping track of the cancellations, missed meals etc for a few months so that you have an objective record. Then I suggest visiting a solicitor with an eye to revising the CM and or the payment of £10K.

I have known this to be successful in other cases. Evidence is key. Judges take a dim view of parents who fail to feed and clothe their children. I feel sure that the inheritance will not help the judicial perception of exH’s failures in these matters. (Sure, he bought a house. Let him downsize and feed his DC.)

My ex never paid a penny towards our DS in 18 years…. Took him for one night in the year and never after that…. Made big gestures in his teen years giving him cash to buy latest gear etc. I was delighted as it reduced my outgoings for DS.

I used to explain to DS when a new PlayStation or such arrived in the post that it was also me gifting it to him because dad wasn’t able to pay Maintenance…. I took joint credit for all those gifts!!

you are incredibly fortunate to still have their dad in their lives, I would let this go as your DS will benefit from the experience x

I have a kids dad like this too, pays nothing and then buys them anything they want. Be annoyed that he doesn’t care but y oh can’t be annoyed that he is taking his child to a concert.

While you are being reasonable seeing as he pays nothing, I’d leave the venting to here. Take the high ground, your ds will work it out himself- sounds like he’s well on the way.

This is a form of gaslighting which I think is so damaging to children. This one gets this, you get nothing. I can’t afford to buy you a winter coat but let’s go out for a pizza. My ex does this. Ultimately you have to find a way to let it go, I have not figured this out yet either! Everyone who’s saying it’s none of your business have no idea what it’s like to be subjected to this type of abuse for years and years, and to watch your children be manipulated.

YANBU OP. DDs dad is the same. No maintenance but if she wants an expensive thing like a laptop that I can't afford, he becomes super dad 🙄

Mikex There's nothing you're not being told. I have a case with CMS and his liability this year is assessed as £0. As I explained, it's because of the nights he officially has them. I could contact them and say he has them less but dealing with them is so draining and if it does change anything it will be for peanuts. I'm more concerned about the £10k to be honest. A few years ago he was supposed to be paying £16 per month but he never did. Eventually they took him to court and on that day I received the grand total of £12.33 (I think that's right). Then nothing again. So I suppose I was holding back when I said I had never received anything and I apologise for that.

Is he in the industry? Perhaps he go free tickets?

Call him, tell him how wonderful it is that he's bought the tickets, dc is thrilled etc. Explain you are unable to take them to concert. Put phone down.

You r jealous bcos he bought the ticket not u.
U moan he spends no money on the child and when he does u moan.
I don’t see where the teachers salary which is a good one comes into play, or saving up for uni, if they want to go to a uni where the accommodation is pricey they will need to work in the holidays and save up, like everyone else does.

As annoying as it is, you don't really have the right to say something about how a father spends money on his children (well, one child). So say nothing. At all. Wash your hands of this concert arrangement. It's for your ex to handle, and if he lets his son down, that's on him. And if the other child is upset about getting nothing, that's on your ex too.

YANBU @pinotnow, I'd be really fucked off with all this too. I'd be particularly concerned with making sure your other DC gets equal treatment from his arsehole of a father, so although there's not a lot you can do about the lack of CM, it seems (which is crap), he should at the very minimum be treating both DC the same. I'd definitely back your other DC in pushing EX for this.

It sounds like the logistics around the concert are going to be a real ballache too - I would insist that it all has to be dealt with by EX, but like you, I certainly would not authorise a Yr 10 DC to take a day off school for it. If EX wants DS to go, he will have to facilitate it all himself; ensure you make this clear to both EX and DS and then step away...!

If he wants to treat his kids unequally and damage his relationship then that's his choice. Its shit but if they come to you, you will have to say they need to speak to their dad about it, there will be a time when they need to learn when to confront and when not and how to advocate for themselves.

He does sound like a prize twat but I suggest making peace with this because the resentment will eat away at you and he will still be taking all your energy and thoughts when he deserves neither tbh.

YANBU because the set up is, if your DS cant miss school or get to the gig, you're the bad guy.
Get ahead of this and explain it to your DS. Say that you have other expenses and responsibilities and won't be able to step in if his Dad decides at the last minute to not take him. And word it like that.

I understand wholeheartedly why you’re annoyed, absolve yourself of the stress of the situation and leave it down to him to work out the logistics of it too.
Not your monkey, not your circus.

Confronting him would make you feel better but realistically it’s not going to make a shit of difference to how this man operates and you know that & so do we now from the snippets of what you’ve said.
By all means reapply to child maintenance etc but deep down and ultimately, you’re the consistent parent that’s grinding the wheel and shows up time and time again. So you couldn’t afford £500 in tickets for a band that really play in the U.K.? shrugs when all is said and done and those DCs are all grown up, they’ll understand. £500 in the “cozzie livs” era is a lot of money and I know that pisses you off more but as Spider-Man says “everyone gets one” and by the sounds, this will be the only one your DC gets…

Didn’t he used to take the other son to cricket matches? So the concert is kind of making up to this son the fact he never did that with him? So when the older son is pissed at this money being spent on brother… just remind him of all those cricket events.
Child maintenance doesn’t take inheritance into account and if he’s not working then he won’t be deemed as needing to pay maintenance.
If I were you I would keep a record of the actual time they spend at his and keep proof and report back to child maintenance that he isn’t having them the full amount so should be paying

Yes it's crap he doesn't pay maintenance etc. However, this has nothing to do with that. He has decided to treat his son to concert tickets. It just comes across that you're jealous he is doing this because you originally wanted to.

Maybe try being happy for your child instead.

I don't know about cm but it may be worth talking to the agency about the inheritance as it is possible that you might be entitled to a portion for cm. Apparently, there was a change in the law in 2018, that capital assets over £31,250 might be considered income. I didn't understand the legal blurb nor know how it has been interpreted so you need to ask. (No, I'm still with DH and children are all grown up.)

Jesus Mike. You won't give any money early, let alone extra, so your children's mother can get their car fixed? You won't do something to benefit your kids because it would also benefit their mother. I agree, you are an arsehole.

OP I get it. You're stuck buying all the boring necessities like clothes, shoes, school things and here he steps in with concert tickets. Your children may not see it now but in a few years they'll understand you were the one forking out for the stuff they actually needed.

You're a bloke, right, @BadNomad ?

Just to make sure Mike knows it's not just the feminazis who think he's an arse.