Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

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DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

Are you even sure he paid £500 though? You said yourself that you only got around to looking after work & those were the tickets that were left. In my experience there are always cheaper tickets if you are early & quick enough.

Youre completely in the right but you're going to have to let this one go. Nothing good will come from confronting him.

Also who is the second ticket for? You say your ex probably isn’t going but that your other DC isn’t invited?

Or it's requiring a parent to think through their actions and.... Be a parent.

Why should the woman always pick up the pieces at great inconvenience to herself because dad wants to "do something nice".

I would be an absolute cunt about this and when ds tells you say "I'm so happy that we managed to get them for you. Do you want to take a mate or me or Dad?"

Alternatively just suck it up. Kids aren't daft.

Maybe he should. From what I read he might not even be able to take them himself leaving Mum to step up as usual. He's a complete tosser but then the OP knows that.

I find it hilarious that you have assumed this low life twat of a man contributed anything towards a ‘family home’. I suspect it was all OP.

And it is OP’s business because she is being expected to facilitate going to the concert, and on a school night too.

OP, please don’t worry about costs for uni! My student loan is close to £200k, it’s just a graduate tax and I will never pay it off

I don’t think this is really about the concert specifically, but more about all the times that OP has to sacrifice for her children and their dad just gets to go on his merry way not providing fairly and equally for them.

No, it’s not reasonable for you to confront him over this as it’s a huge waste of your energy and will only bring negativity. But it’s not unreasonable to be really fed up of having to be the responsible provider whilst their dad just thinks children are raised on fresh air and doesn’t provide for them. He should be ashamed that he doesn’t provide, as should any parent who doesn’t. Also, maybe go back to CMS and have your claim reassessed?

YWBU to confront exH, unless your aim is to feel even worse. Because although in the larger picture - not particularly about the concert - you are right, that will be the most notable outcome. Is it really what you want?

@Doggi £200k 😩how?! Sorry for my naivety

How?! Mine was nowhere close to that & I did an MA..where on earth did you study?

OP, no amount of justifiable anger on your part is going to change anything. This may be one of the few positive things that your son may remember his dad doing for him. Let it go, and let your son have this moment.

On some level , your kids know who and what their father is. They know who provides the resources and stability in their lives, but all children want to feel loved and valued by their parents. Your son has these few moments to feel good about his dad. Be happy for him, and let your very justified anger go for this time. Without doubt your ex will do something else soon enough to reaffirm that he is an irresponsible jerk

But as per your OP, you were only buying 2 tickets... I assumed the other was for you. Or was it for the other DC? And did DF only buy 1 ticket, then?

As for missing school... Doesnt school finish at 3.30? and youre 2h away from london? You could probably be there by 6/6.30, easy. Gig wont start for at least another hour. Seems perfectly doable.

I get that your ex is a dick who doesnt pay for things, but this is a very weird hill to die on, considering you tried to buy tickets as well.

Even if the tickets were the cheap seats/standing and cost less than you thought, I am with you OP. Basics such as enough food, or the inheritance/extra money being spent on something that will benefit for a period of time, clothes being an example, should have come first.

He's a shit dad. This one act of buying expensive tickets doesn't make up for that. You sound like you're doing a brilliant job of raising your children with no help from him. You're wasting your breath telling him it's a piss take. He may even enjoy that it's annoyed you.

You should have hit him up for CM as soon as you heard he had the inheritance before he spent it. (Maybe you did in which case I apologize). Pretty frustrating of CMS to say he should have given you something but, because they picked this up too late, there was nothing to be done.

I’m ignoring the concert issue. You’ll either to be able to get him there or not. If your son is Y10 he should be able to understand this. Why is father taking him not an option?

Anyway, as someone else has said, I would take legal advice and consider going back to family court re your divorce settlement/ the inheritance/ the lack of maintenance and the lump sum that will be due to him when the children are older.

I understand why you are furious. You do everything and he does very little. You pay for everything and he doesn't contribute a penny. It is very unfair, especially if he recently benefited from an inheritance.

However wrong it all is morally, it isn't wrong legally though is it. He is on a low income and has the children 4/14. Assuming he hasn't lied, CM have decided that he doesn't need to pay any maintenance so that's it.

He had an inheritance and bought a house with it. Where was he living before? If with parents or renting, I can see why he prioritised secure housing which really only puts him on an equal footing with you. He doesn't have to give you any of it, any more than you'd give him some of your inheritance.

However he has come by this money, it is fantastic for your son. Why would he need to check with you if it is on his night and your son is 16? He knows you were willing to take him so knows you are happy for him to attend.

He's probably done it to piss you off. Don't give him the satisfaction of rising to it.

My dd is year 10. She has very good attendance and takes time out for orthodontist appointments and dance exams. Your ds can catch up.

As for the ticket purchase itself. Maybe he will do something else for your other ds. Maybe he won’t. The dcs will see through this.

A childhood friend of mine no longer sees her father, who once took us to Alton Towers. It was the place to go at the time after it first opened so very exciting. You could park your car a couple of metres away from the corkscrew rollercoaster at the time. We both remember the day, especially the lousy weather, which made it even more shit because it was the one and only thing he did for her.

As others have said, play the long game.

I would personally just leave it and let him go to the concert, it’s not fair on your DS to not be able to go. Maintenance is a separate issue and technically he doesn’t need to inform you about taking him to a concert giving his age and (if it’s during his contract time anyway)

however we’ve just recently been through a similar situation with my stepdaughter and there mum and she only took the older one to a concert in Manchester.
my husband just let her get on with it so his eldest DD didn’t miss out but then when the youngest came to us she was in tears majority of the night saying she felt left out and was crying saying she missed her sister.

apparently she tried asking her mum to go and she said she could only afford to take the eldest to her (my opinion you don’t take any of you can’t afford to take both).

I would maybe pop a message (depending how old your other child is?) and ask if there’s anyway the other child can go along aswell.. if not let DS go as it’s something you was hoping to do for him anyway and take the opportunity to spend time with your other child and take him/her out somewhere so they don’t feel left out.

Confronting him is pointless, would you actually feel any better afterwards? He's not going to listen, he's not going to change, he's not going to take it on board, he might get nasty or say something to DSs, he might argue or ignore. I can't see any good coming from it. Confronting someone like that no matter how much they deserve it is always going to be an exercise in futility and further resentment and hurt. YANBU that it's unfair and wrong and he's seriously lacking as a Dad, but a confrontation is pointless, you won't feel better and it might affect your DSs.

What difference will it make to the whole situation if you tell him how shit he is?

It's highly unlikely he will suddenly realise how shit he has been and change his ways and pay maintenance. Its more than likely going to end up with the same results, except you get the added stress of an argument.

If it was me, I'd be leaving it to him to sort it out, he got the tickets, the event is now his responsibility, including getting him to London and getting him home.

Its difficult, I've been there but if you can let go of any expectations you have of him, life becomes easier. Try and let the anger go, his behaviour won't change, him giving money (or not) won't change and he's obviously an ex for a very good reason.

You only so for your children what you can afford to do and if they want more, send them to Dad. You can't force someone to be a responsible parent and your children will recognise this.

I'd be sending the following text to my DS (another isles ex here) :-

'Wow that's amazing I know how much you wanted to go to the concert. I'm really pleased your dad has been able to treat you. You'll have a great time together'.

It's not your DS fault. My useless ex took one DC on a holiday to Dubai, deliberately booked while the other was on a school trip I was paying for. No holidays before and no holidays since.

Both DC are young adults now and both see there dad for what he is. I never had to say anything negative about him to them. They came to the realisation themselves.

Nobody said it is acceptable that he won’t buy trousers, or otherwise pay maintenance. Those things are wrong, but it doesn’t mean that buying tickets to a concert your son wants to go to is wrong. You are mixing up different things.