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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here? Argument in swimming pool

182 replies

10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 14:17

Me and DH took kids swimming. DS4 is on waiting list for ASD diagnosis.

All fine. But at one point DH forced DS4 to get in pool which caused a lot of tears. Had fun though mainly

DS4 put the pound coin for the locker in his mouth in changing room.

DH tells him sternly to take it out. He does. He drops on the floor. DH tells him even more sternly to pick it up. DS4 does but it back in his mouth. DH very stern again. DS4 starts crying, throwing all the clothes everywhere; meltdown begins. Hitting us.

I calm him down. Get him dressed. Hes back to being quiet and is picking up his clothes. Says sorry.

At one point I say

"DS4 I know you were angry as daddy told you not to eat the coin, but we can't throw things or hit people"

DH interrupts obviously pissed off

"He can't bloody put a coin in his mouth. Its ridiculous"

I said

"OK OK, let's not get it all going again"

DH now mad at me. Says I undermined him in front of DS4 and in public. Says he is allowed to reiterate things.

I said DS4 was doing as he was told and he wasn't doing anything wrong in that moment and he had put the coin back ages ago.

Was I unreasonable in saying that? DS4 has very strong reactions to negative stuff and while I know we still need boundaries, we were almost all sorted and DS4 was being good so just wanted to get out the changing room

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 28/04/2023 14:28

Overall, your DH WBU. But I think you sort of did to your DH what he was doing to your DS.

Your DH was not sensible to bring it up again. It doesn’t seem like the sort of reinforcement that would have a positive impact on behaviour of a 4 year old. Your DH was venting, really.

But your comment to him also doesn’t sound like the sort of thing that is going to calm things down and have a positive impact.

Both comments not ideal but also shouldn’t be big deals. 4 year olds can be frustrating and sometimes it winds you up. Unless this is a very common occurrence, or your DH is going to hold a grudge or something, best off trying to forget.

DejaVoodoo · 28/04/2023 14:33

I'm sorry, I'm the parent of an ASD child (now 16) myself, but I think it's vital that a child, whether ASD or not, is taught not to put coins in their mouth. Basic safety!
They also have to learn to do as they're told (as far as is possible) for safety's sake, as well as for basic family harmony and convenience.

It won't always work, and sometimes the approach taken is the wrong one, but learning to manage an ASD child takes time.

You were both a bit U in how you interacted with each other about this, but when you've both calmed down and forgiven each other I'm sure you'll realise that you are on the same side, and both want the best for your DS.

Favouritefruits · 28/04/2023 14:33

if I’m honest after the first time your DS put the coin in his mouth why didn’t you just take it off him? You caused more upset by making him pick it up then telling him off again? You should of just taken it and nipped it in the bud if he has ASD then stop winding him up and end things as quickly as they started no need to go on and on…

Curseofthenation · 28/04/2023 14:35

You didn't say your DH was in the wrong though, you just observed your DS's feelings of frustration. It's a very good thing to do when a child has lost their cool. It helps them to recognise and put names to feelings.

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/04/2023 14:37

You weren't undermining your DH you were supporting him with your comment to DS4 about his feelings. Odd that your DH perceived that as undermining.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/04/2023 14:38

I don't think either of you behaved terribly, you probably just need to come up with a plan of how to handle these situations and try to stick to it. Agree with PP, maybe just don't give him the coin next time, try to avoid as many potential issues as possible.

Original poster
10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 14:40

@DejaVoodoo but I wasn't saying he shouldn't be told to not have a coin his mouth? I was saying he had been told, the coin was taken away, he'd got upset, and then he started behaving really well and we were nearly out of there. And I thought it unnecessary and unhelpful to bring it up again angrily as likely cause another meltdown. I thought always praise when they're doing the right thing and at the moment he was doing the right thing...picking up his mess and putting on his clothes

DH is really mad with me about it so I really want to understand what I've done wrong. I know DS should be told and he was. Just didn't need repeating afterwards?? Or maybe it did.

God knows. Just done in

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 28/04/2023 14:42

You haven't done anything wrong, your DH sounds like he's concerned with how other people perceive him parenting in public. And with getting your possibly autistic 4 year old to behave "normally".

Nordicrain · 28/04/2023 14:44

It sounds like your DH was stressed with the situation. Asking your DS to pick up the coin he had just spat out was a stupid move. I think you were wrong to bring it up again. The whole thing just sounds like stressed tired parents at the end of their tether and taking it out on each other.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/04/2023 14:45

Could you try and explain when you're alone about the not bringing up the bad behaviour when it's past and focussing on the positive.

Nordicrain · 28/04/2023 14:45

but, btw, it sounds like you have very different ways for dealing with your DS. I would probably try sit down, when everything has calmed down, and try talk about aligning. It sounds a bit confusing for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 14:46

No need for your DH to keep going on about the issue, it was sorted by that point, perhaps a look at the open University course on ASD could help him parent better.

cestlavielife · 28/04/2023 14:47

If your child put things in his mouth take them away from him.
Dont ask him to pick it up again
That was not clever

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2023 14:48

The coin should have been taken away immediately the first time he put it in his mouth. We wouldn't be here now if you had.

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/04/2023 14:49

It was the DH who asked him to pick it up again,

Original poster
10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 14:49

@Nordicrain @WhatNoRaisins I do try that but when I say things like "I've been reading online and we really have to focus on positive reinforcement" or something DH says "they they they...always about they say this and they say that. I'm fuckinh allowed to tell me kid not to eat coins as many times as I like" and then we start really fighting. I just can't seem to get us to talk calmly. He did used to shout at DS a lot and I told him he kept doing it I'd leave and that's stopped now. But DH is really mad with me. Telling me I have a go at him to distract from the fact I don't know how to handle DS.

It's such hard work and we don't feel like partners in it and I can't seem to fix it

OP posts:
Daftasabroom · 28/04/2023 14:54

Hi @10LittleMonsters I am a parent to an AS son now 20. You have a long road ahead and pretty much the only thing that doesn't work is getting angry. I know all too well how hard that can be. We were lucky and attended some great courses run by the NAS.

Read books and get all the help you can.

And, pick your battles!

Daftasabroom · 28/04/2023 14:56

Just read your last post, DH is definitely UR.

gogohmm · 28/04/2023 14:57

Whether a child is autistic or not, if they are trusted with the coin they need to reliably not put it in their mouth. If that isn't the case they need someone else to look after the coin

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/04/2023 14:58

Your DH sounds pretty angry and hostile. And frankly a bit dim. He doesn't want to take parenting advice from parenting experts?? Because... he reserves the right to be angry? Um, no.

Nordicrain · 28/04/2023 14:59

10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 14:49

@Nordicrain @WhatNoRaisins I do try that but when I say things like "I've been reading online and we really have to focus on positive reinforcement" or something DH says "they they they...always about they say this and they say that. I'm fuckinh allowed to tell me kid not to eat coins as many times as I like" and then we start really fighting. I just can't seem to get us to talk calmly. He did used to shout at DS a lot and I told him he kept doing it I'd leave and that's stopped now. But DH is really mad with me. Telling me I have a go at him to distract from the fact I don't know how to handle DS.

It's such hard work and we don't feel like partners in it and I can't seem to fix it

Sounds like he is angry at you to distract from the fact he doesn't know how to parent DS.

5128gap · 28/04/2023 15:01

Sorry I agree with your DH. Your DS, not once, but twice, did something that could have caused him to choke to death. The takeaway from that for your DS should be never ever to do that again. By 'validating his anger' that his dad was cross, I think you've diluted the seriousness of that message. Sometimes there are things of higher importance than centering your child's feelings. Within the context of a loving respectful parent/child relationship it will do them no harm if on occasion the key message needs to be something else.

BoobsOnTheMoon · 28/04/2023 15:01

You're the one who brought it up again when things had calmed down though - your DH was unhelpful but he was only reacting to you starting the discussion again! It might have been better to leave it until you were home and then to structure a social story or similar around not putting things in mouths...

Wishona · 28/04/2023 15:05

A pool changing room and swimming pool will be massively overwhelming for a sensory perspective.

I would think about your routine and try and anticipate things a little more. Keep the coin away from him. Let him hold his arm bands, he can chew them.

If your DH can’t maintain his cool I would ask him to step away. He’s doing the adult equivalent of throwing his clothes by sniping.

Think about how wordy your explanations are, shorten them as he may struggle to process, especially here.

He shouldn’t be forced into a pool.

Overall YANBU

Original poster
10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 15:06

@BoobsOnTheMoon thata a good point. I guess I was trying to validate DS and tell him I understood that he was angry but that being angry doesn't mean you csn hurt people. But DH was continuing to be angry and having a go so felt like it was all starting up again

Often its DS in meltdown, DH being angry or frustrated, and me trying to navigate/calm the situation.

OP posts:
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