Who is being unreasonable here? Argument in swimming pool

[10LittleMonsters]

Me and DH took kids swimming. DS4 is on waiting list for ASD diagnosis.

All fine. But at one point DH forced DS4 to get in pool which caused a lot of tears. Had fun though mainly

DS4 put the pound coin for the locker in his mouth in changing room.

DH tells him sternly to take it out. He does. He drops on the floor. DH tells him even more sternly to pick it up. DS4 does but it back in his mouth. DH very stern again. DS4 starts crying, throwing all the clothes everywhere; meltdown begins. Hitting us.

I calm him down. Get him dressed. Hes back to being quiet and is picking up his clothes. Says sorry.

At one point I say

"DS4 I know you were angry as daddy told you not to eat the coin, but we can't throw things or hit people"

DH interrupts obviously pissed off

"He can't bloody put a coin in his mouth. Its ridiculous"

I said

"OK OK, let's not get it all going again"

DH now mad at me. Says I undermined him in front of DS4 and in public. Says he is allowed to reiterate things.

I said DS4 was doing as he was told and he wasn't doing anything wrong in that moment and he had put the coin back ages ago.

Was I unreasonable in saying that? DS4 has very strong reactions to negative stuff and while I know we still need boundaries, we were almost all sorted and DS4 was being good so just wanted to get out the changing room

Can I ask as most responses talk about showing a united front and being on the same page - what can OP do if her and DH simply cannot agree? Asking for a friend 😄 He is refusing to take professional advice and she is doing what the advice says, if he does not meet in the middle then what options are left? Does she go against her gut feeling and professional advice just to present a joint front, or does the family continue with an understanding that mum and dad are doing things differently.

OP i replied a few days ago but am interested as this is like my life. My DH is more understanding now and tends to agree that the advice we get is correct, but doesnt follow it half the time, using excuses like I couldn't help shouting/giving out as I was so annoyed. I have had to put my foot down time and time again to avoid situations that would kick off, a swimming pool is a good example. But I am tired of it all. DS is older now but DH will try to insist on a family day out etc where i know it will end in arguments and upset. It is hard for your DH (and you) to accept your version of family life is not your reality (assuming your DS will get autism diagnosis) and that means maybe letting go of fantasies of trips to the pool or restaurants etc. At least while DS is young.

Truth be told DH and I still argue all the time about parenting. Older DS is the one I relate to here, but just today we had a big fight about younger DS who also is ND. i wont go into it all here, but I feel like I am the only one who is trying to change for the childrens sake. It is really hard for me too to speak and act a certain way that is unnatural for me just to appease my 2 ND boys. But DH gets to just be himself and we all have to deal with the fallout from it.

Going through similar. It is so hard as it becomes more about adult ego and it needs to be about supporting the child. You need to discuss this as a couple about how you are going to parent together. If you aren’t on the same page it is not going to get better and it becomes toxic. Children learn off their parents and so many adult issues stem from parenting. Your child will require a different parenting strategy and it sounds like you have been doing all the work here. Your husband also needs to get a better perspective on how to parent an autistic child. Can you show him some of things you have read and anything that supports your parenting strategy. See if you can agree on some rules about how to communicate your disagreements and discuss them away from the situation. There is a chance that if your child is autistic, so are you or your husband. Certainly works that way in most households with autistic children, so some inflexibility in changing perspective might be challenging. You can do this if you agree to put your child first.

@LaMaG

I’m in the minority as I’m not concerned about a United front: I’m concerned about my children being brought up safely and happily and sometimes that means going against the other parent.

eg. I took my older son out a few weeks ago and it was a bad outing. But I escalated things and behaved poorly. We got home and DH very clearly told me I was wrong and my behaviour was unacceptable and I agreed with him wholeheartedly, apologised to my son and we’ve made some changes.

I have two autistic children. It’s hard work and sometimes we get it wrong. The other parent needs to pull us back if behaviour is not acceptable or suitable (this is very rare to be honest).

Its not acceptable to know what’s right, ignore it and expect no consequences when parenting any child let alone a ND one who will not always act in a way we feel is appropriate.

Tbh it depends whether the other "parenting" style is abusive and/or detrimental to the child. In that case united front goes out the window and frankly, the best thing is to leave. At best, one parent can take all childcare responsibilities , ensures the child doesn't spend too much time with the other parents and tries to prevent any clashes and pray for the best.That's no way to live though.

It's the right thing to do to acknowledge your ons feelings. Your husband is wrong and getting angry will cause further behavioural problems down the line. You could read some books on how the nervous system is in control for children, and for ASD children especially. Mona Delahooke is a good author on the matter. Your husband needs to take his ego out of it. Getting him to pick up the coin was a full on power trip. 'they' are clinical psychologists and have a lot more expertise than your husband.

What I think is really unreasonable is that the OP is having to manage her husband's emotions as well as her child's.
Ugh.
(And that mental load is why I haven't risked my already perilous sanity and become a parent)