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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here? Argument in swimming pool

182 replies

10LittleMonsters · 28/04/2023 14:17

Me and DH took kids swimming. DS4 is on waiting list for ASD diagnosis.

All fine. But at one point DH forced DS4 to get in pool which caused a lot of tears. Had fun though mainly

DS4 put the pound coin for the locker in his mouth in changing room.

DH tells him sternly to take it out. He does. He drops on the floor. DH tells him even more sternly to pick it up. DS4 does but it back in his mouth. DH very stern again. DS4 starts crying, throwing all the clothes everywhere; meltdown begins. Hitting us.

I calm him down. Get him dressed. Hes back to being quiet and is picking up his clothes. Says sorry.

At one point I say

"DS4 I know you were angry as daddy told you not to eat the coin, but we can't throw things or hit people"

DH interrupts obviously pissed off

"He can't bloody put a coin in his mouth. Its ridiculous"

I said

"OK OK, let's not get it all going again"

DH now mad at me. Says I undermined him in front of DS4 and in public. Says he is allowed to reiterate things.

I said DS4 was doing as he was told and he wasn't doing anything wrong in that moment and he had put the coin back ages ago.

Was I unreasonable in saying that? DS4 has very strong reactions to negative stuff and while I know we still need boundaries, we were almost all sorted and DS4 was being good so just wanted to get out the changing room

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 30/04/2023 16:11

This has probably been said but swimming pools are a nightmare for some sensory impaired people, they echo, the sound is distorted, there are strangers, the smell of chlorine, cold water.
You could try to minimise this by taking them to a special needs session (much quieter) or hiring a pool privately. This can cost less than you'd think! The one we use costs £25 for 45mins and it is bliss. Its £6 a session at our public pool so it's only £1 more if there is 4 of you going to the private pool, its much nicer too.

stayathomer · 30/04/2023 16:17

We all get stressed as hell in the swimming pool/ dressing room so I think nobody was really being unreasonable, everyone was just in a heightened state that kicked off. We have never ever not fought in the changing rooms and it’s always been over things that wouldn’t bother us at home (something left down, someone trailing behind, something not visible straight away etc). Hope you all have a good evening x

stayathomer · 30/04/2023 16:21

Ps laughing as I’m signing the kids up to swimming classes again and thinking’we do this why?!;)’

Snoopyandthemuppets · 30/04/2023 16:26

cestlavielife · 28/04/2023 14:47

If your child put things in his mouth take them away from him.
Dont ask him to pick it up again
That was not clever

This and I have an autistic child. They still need rules and boundaries and everyone is entitled to emotions even adults!!

Livelovebehappy · 30/04/2023 16:40

It sounds a huge over re-action by you both to what appears to be generally ongoing poor behaviour. Like someone said earlier, pick your battles. Both of you undermining each other in front of your child is’nt good, and will ultimately lead to more poor behaviour from your DS if he thinks he can divide you.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 16:54

Livelovebehappy · 30/04/2023 16:40

It sounds a huge over re-action by you both to what appears to be generally ongoing poor behaviour. Like someone said earlier, pick your battles. Both of you undermining each other in front of your child is’nt good, and will ultimately lead to more poor behaviour from your DS if he thinks he can divide you.

You seem to think that their DS was in full control of his actions

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2023 17:12

DS was an absolute nightmare when he was younger with swimming pools. So, we didn't take him swimming until he was old enough/ready to understand/ready to cope with a swimming pool environment.

Redebs · 30/04/2023 17:16

I think your husband needs to develop some strategies for dealing with this kind of situation. He needs to know how to give instructions without being confrontational.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/04/2023 17:37

Bigger issue aside, and apologies if this has already been suggested, but have you looked at "chewelry" for your DS? It's a chewable toy that looks like lego that can hang round your neck to chew on as needed.

YouHeardTheRumoursFromInes · 30/04/2023 17:38

You were both UR. Your dh should have immediately taken the coin off ds when he had it in his mouth the first time. You were UR to bring it up again when ds had calmed and was being good. A swimming room changing room is absolutely no environment for a "teaching moment". You could have had a chat to him about not putting coins in his mouth or hitting when you were all home and settled down.

Merryoldgoat · 30/04/2023 18:34

It sounds to me like your DH is having trouble accepting your son’s difficulties but also is an authoritarian.

Essentially children on the autistic spectrum need a different way of being patented and he’s not willing to accept his methods aren’t appropriate.

So you have a decision to make but if you don’t get this sorted you’ll have a very unhappy child ok your hands.

Chill89 · 30/04/2023 19:52

Perhaps DH isn’t modelling the best behaviour? If his reaction to something he doesn’t like is to shout and kick off, DS would see this as the norm and likely react in the same way.

I don’t think you were unreasonable for helping DS understand his emotions. Perhaps you and DH maybe need to align on how you respond to situations though (if he can have a calm conversation)

stichguru · 30/04/2023 20:42

It sounds like you've both got two very important aspects of child discipline mixed up. That's understandable and it's un surprising, but you need to sort it out. There's discipline - helping the child learn right from wrong, helping them understand why some things are dangerous or unpleasant for them or others. There is also stopping them doing things that are dangerous. The first should be done by explanation and behaviour modeling, through patient reminders and teaching. The second should be used where the child has to be stopped and could use the same means as the first, but could also use other means to change the situation. For example, removing the object or restraining the child. It sounds like DH wants to achieve DS understanding all the time (long-term this is obviously best), but DS may not always be in a state where he is capable of this. It sounds like DH was thinking that DS would achieve proper understanding around the problems of the coin being in his mouth and therefore would stop. However because DH was also aware of the dangers of the coin, he was trying to achieve long-term teaching, but also HAVING to achieve short-term safety, which was making him fierce and frightening for the child. Also possible DS isn't mentally at a point where he is able to really understand why he shouldn't eat a coin. If this is the case then you have to just say it's dangerous and not let him have it.

Elaina87 · 30/04/2023 21:21

I think you handled it the right way. You showed empathy and understanding to your child which is important. The only thing I would have added would have been to say, "Daddy didn't want you to put the coin in your mouth because it's dirty and you could also choke on it".That way he knows why (if he hadn't been told) and his dad would have maybe felt less undermined.

Mephisneon · 30/04/2023 21:30

Your husband sounds like a knob and a bit of a bully. Forcing him in the water. Wft

Crikeyohreilly · 30/04/2023 21:38

I can see both points of view and I think in some ways you were both being unreasonable. I think you both need to sit down and have a chat and see each others points of view and then navigate how you would both handle a future scenario like that for the best. I think it’s clear you both want what’s best for your child and you sound like great parents navigating challenging situations with some extra emotion thrown in for good measure.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 22:14

I think this is just one of those minor tiffs in a stressful parenting situation that you should both just let go. It happens.

Tigermearns · 30/04/2023 22:43

I would've done exactly what you have done tbh. I would've also told you DH to pick the coin up himself instead of asking a 4 Yr old to pick it up when it's a choking hazard. Why he insisted on telling your son to pick it back up when clearly your son can't be trusted with coins yet is beyond me.
If your DH thought that was undermining it'd hate to have me around. I've got 2 diagnosed autistic boys and gah when their dad is in a bad mood too (swear he's undiagnosed), I'm the one telling him to de-escalate because there is literally nothing to gain with getting angry at your child. What does your child learn from an angry parent?? They're too overwhelmed and overstimulated from seeing daddy getting shouty to even take in what he's trying to tell them. Your DH can tell DS4 about the coin until the cows come home but your DS4 wouldn't have taken it in properly about the danger etc because he's too over stimulated by your DHs body language, tone of voice etc.
Your DS4 did exactly as he was told as far as he was concerned, took it out his mouth then picked it bk up again.
You did a great job trying to explain it to him. Dad needs to get over himself and realise the way he was probably brought up isn't how he can treat his own son. He needs to take your lead more.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 01/05/2023 00:30

Tbh I don't think this one should be answered here. I think you and hubby need to get some counselling and take parenting classes. It sounds like he feels out of control and is over compensating. And you may need to work on timing and how to ensure you two are a team as parents.

Tiredmama53 · 01/05/2023 08:55

I get what you were going for but I think your wording was a bit off so its come across as a bit passive aggressive and you've focused on the wrong thing. You've failed to send a message that first off its not safe to put coins in his mouth and his dad was right to put a stop to it

'I know you were cross when Daddy took the coin off you but that was not safe and we can't let you do that. It's ok to be cross but next time you need to use your words instead of your hands to let us know that'

Seaweasel · 01/05/2023 09:05

As you and @BoobsOnTheMoon point out, you were the one that brought it up again and DH felt the need to defend himself. It sounds like you've both fallen into roles that are unhelpful and you are not working together, both thinking similar to "I understand DC and we should do things this way - your gut feeling is wrong." It's a nice place to feel like the one that 'gets' your child, but it could be disastrous to your relationship if your husband feels excluded. I think you would benefit from talking to someone about your relationship and how you can listen to each other more and work together. You've got a long road ahead of you.

Axahooxa · 01/05/2023 10:35

You are totally and entirely right.

YANBU

I couldn’t emphathise more. Your partner needs to do the reading or do an online National autistic Society course; or watch some decent videos. If he doesn’t have the knowledge about autism (and actually positive behaviour strategies in general, from what I see in your post), he won’t do anything differently as he’ll just see it as coming from you and being told what to do.

Horatiosmum · 01/05/2023 10:36

Wow, this is us too! My DS4 is also waiting for the final part of an Autisum diagnosis so he now has all the support at school and he is exactly like this.

My DH is also exactly like your DH and the only thing we row about is situations like this. I thought I was the only one!

We also suspect that DH is on the spectrum and this contributs to the reasion he just can't handle situations like this and needs to bring up the behaviour at times where its not appropriate (like when you have managed to calm a meltdown!).

It's so hard, you end up feeling like the referee having to stop a grown adult and a child continuing to niggle eachother.

I end up having to be quite stern with the DH and tell him it's not appropriate to do this now and I ask him to leave the area, then I deal with DS. That's the only way I can defuse the situation.

I've just asked the DH amd his response was you just tell me off.

Hang in there!

Axahooxa · 01/05/2023 10:39

He just kicked off!! DH that is. Apparently I "humiliated him in public" and I think I'm the "boss of every situation". And then he started really going in on me and it esclated because i wouldn't apologise. At one point he called me a "cold hearted cunt" so that was pleasant. Bloody hell.

He’s an abusive wanker.
why can’t you go it alone?

I have an autistic teenager (with PDA). It will not get much easier, is the kindest way I can put it. It will be worlds easier if you do it alone (I did).

Axahooxa · 01/05/2023 10:41

Kitchen roll- I would also let a child scrunch it up. It’s a sensory thing.

you do have to choose your battles or you’ll burn out or be on your son’s case unnecessarily all the time. You’re doing great- don’t let your H get you down.

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