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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

322 replies

Iwrote · 28/04/2023 13:08

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

OP posts:
BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/04/2023 07:26

It is quite interesting how people enjoying the lunchtime quickie opportunities that wfh provides has attracted so much outright invention in response.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 07:31

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/04/2023 07:26

It is quite interesting how people enjoying the lunchtime quickie opportunities that wfh provides has attracted so much outright invention in response.

Some woman just bloody hate others enjoying sex, for some reason they feel defensive about it. Jealousy I assume.

I honestly some women on MN are only happy if you are criticising, moaning or slagging of men.

It just so bloody depressing.

Restforabit · 30/04/2023 07:42

I don’t mind people enjoying sex or life in general, but equally, if you say that your husband working from home causes problems for you, your parenting and marriage are heavily criticised which I think is unfair as well.

Tinybrother · 30/04/2023 07:59

Yeah I mean if the only response to perceived “moaning” is to go “you’re a shit mother and you hate sex” then I’m not sure the defensiveness is all that one-sided.

Fourwallsclosingin · 30/04/2023 08:19

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 07:31

Some woman just bloody hate others enjoying sex, for some reason they feel defensive about it. Jealousy I assume.

I honestly some women on MN are only happy if you are criticising, moaning or slagging of men.

It just so bloody depressing.

Show quote history

No one was slagging off men, there's nothing wrong with someone wanting a bit of space occasionally in their own home (which is the OP and the point of this thread). Perhaps you might need to dig a bit into why you're feeling the need to be unnecessarily aggressive towards strangers on the internet ... not really the sign of a happy person Hmm

WeWereInParis · 30/04/2023 08:28

What's the big deal about being able to shag at lunchtime? Me and DH can shag ANY time of day or night. How tragic that some can only shag at lunchtime..

No one said they could only have sex at lunch. But we have an 11 month old whose sleep is bloody awful. It's nice to have a lunch hour where we are guaranteed not to be interrupted by a crying baby.

And as a PP said, sex at lunch was only brought up in response to a PP who wondered whether wfh was bad for your sex life. It's not like all the immediate responses to the OP were "but what about the lunchtime sex!!!"

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 08:29

@Fourwallsclosingin no one had been slagging off men GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

Ok then.....

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 08:30

Tinybrother · 30/04/2023 07:59

Yeah I mean if the only response to perceived “moaning” is to go “you’re a shit mother and you hate sex” then I’m not sure the defensiveness is all that one-sided.

Who said anyone was a mother?

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 08:31

Restforabit · 30/04/2023 07:42

I don’t mind people enjoying sex or life in general, but equally, if you say that your husband working from home causes problems for you, your parenting and marriage are heavily criticised which I think is unfair as well.

Well why shouldn't the OP go into the office....

Take control of the issue and resolve it?

Tarantullah · 30/04/2023 08:34

Tinybrother · 30/04/2023 07:01

I have found that some people are so so anxious about WFH being taken away from them that they refuse to acknowledge any possible downsides to it, even to the extent that they’ll question other people’s marriages if WFH doesn’t work for them as a couple.

This is what it largely boils down to. I don't see why people can't seem to recognise that for some people and couples it's brilliant and for others it's shit. Like anything in life people's experiences differ and it doesn't mean anyone is wrong or right.

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 08:35

God, the grinning/laughing emoji to emphasise a point, is the sign of a shit argument

Restforabit · 30/04/2023 08:40

Who said anyone was a mother

A lot of replies to those struggling with preschool children have told the person struggling to have stronger boundaries, not to let the toddler in, use stair gates, lock the toddler out, etc.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 09:30

Restforabit · 30/04/2023 08:40

Who said anyone was a mother

A lot of replies to those struggling with preschool children have told the person struggling to have stronger boundaries, not to let the toddler in, use stair gates, lock the toddler out, etc.

Me included and she should, but that doesn't make her a bad mother.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 09:31

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 08:35

God, the grinning/laughing emoji to emphasise a point, is the sign of a shit argument

GrinGrinGrinGrin

gannett · 30/04/2023 09:40

AuntyMabelandPippin · 29/04/2023 19:43

You leave your desk every fifteen minutes??

Show quote history

Not every 15 minutes like clockwork but I'm up and about fairly often. Some bits of my work entail me sitting at my desk for longer stretches of time uninterrupted, of course. But if I'm trying to come up with creative ideas or working out how to solve a problem I'll wander around the house or garden or even leave the house to do it. That's why WFH is so good for me - you can't find the same time to think by yourself in an office.

Also if I'm doing boring short bits of admin I'll get a drink or snack in between them with no risk of breaking my concentration. And if I'm emailing someone I'll do the same rather than stare at the screen waiting for their reply. Really, just depends on exactly what work I'm doing when.

My job doesn't happen in strict 9-5 hours so it's a tremendous help NOT to have a separation between home and office. In my downtime I can actually have downtime in my own space - if I was in an office I'd just be killing time doing nothing while waiting for my work to get going.

CatticusFinch · 30/04/2023 10:38

Sorry haven't read the whole thing but do you have any way you could build an outdoor office room if this is going to be a long term situation? He could have a kettle/coffee machine in there so it would limit the amounts of times he has to wander in and then you could have the office room upstairs with a lock on the door? It would also mean you wouldn't have to keep toddler quiet and she wouldn't be able to get to him.

I understand what you mean, I hate being disturbed when I am on a roll with something and find I get into a zone while I am working on something. DH is different to me and has to work with background noise, music etc. But the difference is that he respects that and doesn't keep interrupting me.

Tinybrother · 30/04/2023 12:39

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 09:30

Me included and she should, but that doesn't make her a bad mother.

Show quote history

It’s fine, no one here wants to take away your lovely WFH. You can relax.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 12:54

@Tinybrother what on earth are you talking about?

I decide where I work, not anyone here.

What an odd comment.

AnnieSnap · 30/04/2023 17:39

I don’t understand the backlash you’re getting @Iwrote Of course YANBU Have you made it christal clear to him that he is disrupting you and that working from home is supposed to be just that. Agree a lunch time, morning and afternoon coffee break and tell him he is being unreasonable to not be in his office focused on his work at other times.

Caelan2018 · 30/04/2023 18:24

😂 she said she picks up from nursery

mandlerparr · 30/04/2023 18:41

I think some people are purposely misunderstanding the issue here. So, I will try and spell it out for them.
They both WFH. He has a dedicated office space with a door. He has made no effort to secure said door. Kids cannot be watched every second of the day. So, unless he wants to get off his workday and then clean everything she wasn't able to because she spent the entire time keeping the toddler out of the office, then he should get a lock for the office. You can get a simple lock off amazon for cheap. Even one with fingerprint access so that all adults can enter, but not young kids. Especially since he seems to have a ton of delicate equipment. It is not the Mothers SOLE responsibility to care for the child or prevent the child from accessing spaces. Nor should she and the child be expected to leave the house all day. Dad needs to take some responsibility and initiative.
I also have an issue with him claiming the toddler is invading and taking him away from work when that is exactly what he does daily. Hourly it seems.
Imagine if you had a coworker. This person has their own office. yet, they spend most of their workday hanging around your cubicle, chatting, eating next to you, munching and chewing, scratching and grunting and moaning. How mad would you be? I don't care if it is his home. While they are working, it is also their workspace. He needs to treat it as such. He is an adult. I would also be wondering how much work he is actually doing in there. He seems to have tons of time to bother her, but all of the sudden, when the toddler is home, it is crunch time and he can't be bothered. Why does he have so much free time to wander the house on the days that the toddler is in nursery, but not the days she is home?
Because of his work needs, he has the office. He needs to treat it like he was at work. You get lunch, potty breaks, snack breaks. But the rest of the time, stay in your office. If you do leave the office, you do so quietly, with care for the others working around you. It is her home and workplace also.
If he were renting an office space somewhere, he would have a lock on the door. He may even have one in a workplace.
He is being a discourteous workmate and housemate.
Solutions for both of them could be to take lunches and breaks at the same time, if possible. They could also try to get their schedules to line up if possible so that the toddler is home less often on workdays.

JenWillsiam · 30/04/2023 18:46

When my husband works from home I spend approximately 15% of the time plotting ways to kill him.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 18:48

mandlerparr · 30/04/2023 18:41

I think some people are purposely misunderstanding the issue here. So, I will try and spell it out for them.
They both WFH. He has a dedicated office space with a door. He has made no effort to secure said door. Kids cannot be watched every second of the day. So, unless he wants to get off his workday and then clean everything she wasn't able to because she spent the entire time keeping the toddler out of the office, then he should get a lock for the office. You can get a simple lock off amazon for cheap. Even one with fingerprint access so that all adults can enter, but not young kids. Especially since he seems to have a ton of delicate equipment. It is not the Mothers SOLE responsibility to care for the child or prevent the child from accessing spaces. Nor should she and the child be expected to leave the house all day. Dad needs to take some responsibility and initiative.
I also have an issue with him claiming the toddler is invading and taking him away from work when that is exactly what he does daily. Hourly it seems.
Imagine if you had a coworker. This person has their own office. yet, they spend most of their workday hanging around your cubicle, chatting, eating next to you, munching and chewing, scratching and grunting and moaning. How mad would you be? I don't care if it is his home. While they are working, it is also their workspace. He needs to treat it as such. He is an adult. I would also be wondering how much work he is actually doing in there. He seems to have tons of time to bother her, but all of the sudden, when the toddler is home, it is crunch time and he can't be bothered. Why does he have so much free time to wander the house on the days that the toddler is in nursery, but not the days she is home?
Because of his work needs, he has the office. He needs to treat it like he was at work. You get lunch, potty breaks, snack breaks. But the rest of the time, stay in your office. If you do leave the office, you do so quietly, with care for the others working around you. It is her home and workplace also.
If he were renting an office space somewhere, he would have a lock on the door. He may even have one in a workplace.
He is being a discourteous workmate and housemate.
Solutions for both of them could be to take lunches and breaks at the same time, if possible. They could also try to get their schedules to line up if possible so that the toddler is home less often on workdays.

Couldn't read all this drivel, maybe try paragraphs?

Wimin123 · 30/04/2023 18:54

Hate WFH much healthier for relationships to have some space. WFH for young employees is damaging- exacerbating mental health problems. People have just got used to not bothering- no wonder our economy is rubbish.

Notamumsym · 30/04/2023 19:22

I did something that would get me sacked while my husband was talking at me while I was trying to work, I sent a screen shot to a client that I later realised contained information that should not have been sent. Luckily I kept quiet and (so far) hasn't come back, he needs to leave you in peace to work.