I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

[Iwrote]

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

That’s obviously a YOU problem and her post is quite right compared to the bias drivel you’ve been spouting because you can’t believe some spouses like to have some space from each other.

I spent approximately 95% of the time plotting ways to kill mine. I divorced him instead.

I told him last week that I sometimes fantasise telling his mother he’s dead. I used to drive up there and tell her. Now I text.

That sounds like a you problem. Maybe an English course or two would be helpful.

Can she? You know that do you?
My company sold off our offices and we work from home permanently now!
Big assumption you just made.

I do confidential work too but still manage to work in coffee shops etc. I use my personal hotspot on my personal mobile and make sure I sit where my screen can't be overlooked

Oh my god I hear you! I work two days a week and only on these two days is DH allowed to work from home. He drives me insane, texting to ask if I’m having a cup of tea anytime soon, just BEING around! Tell him to piss off to the office because it’s “good for his mental health to get out of the house”

Well said, and I like the analogy of being in an office. OP I'm sorry as I haven't seen all of your responses, can you tell him he needs to start going into the office x days a week? I'd do so now for the sake of your relationships and sanity. I agree wholeheartedly that's its not healthy to be spending all that time together, that was one of the reasons most people hated lockdown! And f he's complaining about the children, he needs to sort that out if it's bothering him as he's made the home into an office.

This. ^ I can't put my finger on it what it is. I can't bear a man around the house when he should be OUT AT WORK. Many posters seem to feel the same. (More agree with the OP than not anyway!)

Like many others, I have no issue being with DH in our non-working hours, and days off, and weekend and holidays etc, but NO to him being at home in the (working) day.

I absolutely hated covid.. I know it’s different but I’d be sat at the table doing home schooling with my then 9/10 year old DD… on his days off he’d be home loitering… asking when we were going to walk the dogs (we all did this together as it was the only thing we could all do together in lockdown!)…. He would make himself drinks/food and not us…. He would interfere with teaching if he overheard what we were doing and this wound my DD up no end. I was relieved when he was at work (he was a keyworker so still went in thank god!
min the end we would do all school work while he was at work…. This meant sometimes doing the weeks work over the weekend or late evening once he’d left for work… or while he was in bed off of nights.. I did feel very much like everything was arranged round him and it was very frustrating.

A few suggestions for you….. could you buy a cheap kettle for the office upstairs for his sole use? He could have tea bags etc up there…. Powdered milk or take a small jug up each morning…. He could make himself a packed lunch like he would if he was going into the office…. If he needs a breather he can come down, straight out front door and walk around the estate!! But I would 100% be telling him to stay upstairs and not disturb your working hours….
I also wouldn’t be keeping the kids downstairs…. If he doesn’t like it he can start going into the office again and that’s your problem solved! Or he can get a lock fitted on the office door…. Tell him if he stays upstairs DC wouldn’t see him and wouldn’t want to badger him!!

aid be telling him that him WFH isn’t working for you and could he go into the office 2/3 times a week. I think you’re being too accommodating personally. It isn’t your job to make WFH work for him, he needs to put things in place and if it doesn’t work then he doesn’t work from home on the days toddler is there

@T1Dmama

I absolutely hated covid.. I know it’s different but I’d be sat at the table doing home schooling with my then 9/10 year old DD… on his days off he’d be home loitering… asking when we were going to walk the dogs (we all did this together as it was the only thing we could all do together in lockdown!)…. He would make himself drinks/food and not us…. He would interfere with teaching if he overheard what we were doing and this wound my DD up no end.

I was relieved when he was at work (he was a keyworker so still went in thank god! In the end we would do all school work while he was at work…. This meant sometimes doing the weeks work over the weekend or late evening once he’d left for work… or while he was in bed off of nights.. I did feel very much like everything was arranged round him and it was very frustrating.

Case in point. As much as we love our husbands/partners, we do NOT want them around in the day when they should be at work, because they are a bloody BLOODY pest. Yep they really are. In many cases, everything seems to have to revolve around them and their wants and needs. They're like toddlers sometimes.

@mandlerparr ’s post is sensible. Clearly you don’t understand paragraphs since they are in the post, but you can’t see them 🤷‍♀️

I totally sympathise. DH has been wfh since March 2020, he now goes in 1 day per week but that is as long as there aren’t train strikes etc. His home office was in our conservatory but is now in the front room as we decided to get a desk (I’d thought more for the dc’s as they get older for school work). I am currently a sahm (not through choice, can’t get anything due to lack of childcare as despite dh being at home he rarely leaves the house and is unable to help with pick ups etc). I don’t make the kids be quiet when they’re in as it’s our home too and he can go into the office if he’d like, he just doesn’t want to! I’m counting down the days till dc3 starts school and I can get a job (out of the house 🤣). DH also won’t do much around the house when working, well unless it’s something that appeals to him, the essentials tend to get left to me 🙄

How about, "Did your DH WFH before the oandemic? Because, if he didn't, he hasn't a leg to stand on"?

Why is it dumped on the wife? You know, the one who DOES keep the house tidy even when WFH? You know the one who goes and gets their child while her NSDH sits around, saving on his commute and doing zip to help? You know the one whose NSDH bothers whenever it suits him but expects total p&q when he wants it?

Oh no, it's the OP who is the only one who should be inconvenienced because, her NSDH is a man and men deserve it all!

Such misogyny on here sometimes. smdhid

Or, and this is such a new tech and novel idea....

Her NSDH can get a lock on his door. That way it works even when DC gets old enough to step right over the stair gate.

I mean I know some people here have never heard of the concept but a lock on a door stops uninvited people from barging in.

Of course, in this case, I think the OP needs to have the lock on the other side of the door, keeping NSDH in, so she can have some peace and get her work done without being bothered every 30 minutes by her NSDH.

I actually had this same problem myself after returning from mat leave in lockdown. In the end the kitchen visits were too much, I had a meltdown and we found me a nook to work in, in our bedroom instead. At first I worked at my dressing table (sanity trumps beauty) and then we moved the furniture around. The difference it made to my working day and general working life was incredible!

You need to tell him that he needs to behave as if he WERE at the office. If he was at an office, they would not look too kindly upon him interrupting others, moaning and kvetching to all within his range. He can come and get a drink, get lunch, wander. What he CANNOT do is act like you are less important at your work and he needs to act as if you are also at an office. Or it will never work at all. Oh, and tell the NSDH to get a damn lock on his door.

He sounds very selfish, demeaning and oblivious to anyone else's distress but his own comfort and joy,

Many here would STILL be saying, "Poor, poor little DH."

This crap; "It's his house too. He has every right to wander around, make noise, kvetch and cry and bother the hell out of his DW. It's his RIGHT!" "It is DH's RIGHT to have absolute peace and quiet whenever he demands it and everyone else needs to bend to HIS will and wants!" And they say it with a straight face and in all seriousness. Because HE can do whatever he wants in HIS home, but the OP cannot do what she HAS to do in HER home because he might have to adult for a few moments. Just mind-boggling. smdhats

The misogyny runs deep with some here.

So, since he has the "right" to wander, kevtch and bother the OP whenever he feels like it, no matter what she requests, then it stands to reason that her and their DC can act however they wish in their home, including going into the spare room when it suits their fancy. Got it. As long as it works both ways because that's not what you insinuated in earlier posts.

You have 2 separate problems

1 when you are both at work, you are working in the kitchen

2 when you have days off (you are I assume pt him full time) your children interrupt him in his office

re 1, honestly I just think this shows that working from the kitchen table is not a long term sustainable WFH set up. Honestly I would be annoyed if I was told I couldn’t come into the kitchen as and when I pleased when working from home. You need to create some proper work space for you in the home (either subdivide the home office with a screen or put a desk somewhere else - could you put one in your child’s room for example?). If that’s not possible you have to figure out (both of you) a rota where one of you is at an office / OOH when you’re both working.

Re 2, it is possible to teach dc not to come in (at least 99% of the time). If for some reason it’s not (I can’t think of why but ok), he needs to leave on those days.

Basically you both need to create a bit of a division between work and home. Have you sat down and properly talked to him about it? My DH doesn’t have an office any more and our compromise is that he rents a co working space 2 days a week and I go into my office 2 days a week - this gives us sufficient space from each other and breathing space to focus on work regardless of where we physically are. There’s a reason most husbands and wives don’t actually work together, it’s intense!

Also I don’t think it’s fair to be moaning about him not doing chores etc while working. I don’t do any chores when I’m wfh because I’m in work mode. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Is there space for a folding desk in your bedroom (or child's room) so that you can shut yourself away when DH is working/mooching?

@Nanaof1 when she gets old enough to walk through a stair gate, she's old enough to understand not to disturb her working father (which she is already old enough for). If he's on a call then her outside a locked door making a load of noise will disturb him and the call.

How ridiculous that you think on that would be a good idea, just lock the door......

Some people have no idea.

My DS has been taking on stair gates (and stairs) since he was around 20 months.

I know everyone on here has super compliant toddlers, but I had a competent walker at 13 months. How do you explain to a child that age that the dining room is out of bounds between 4 and 6 pm? You can’t.

DS is now 2 years and 4 months, and he still doesn’t understand ‘daddy is at work.’ This is massively exacerbated by dads who are constantly in and out and in and out.

It is very hard to have anything resembling a ‘normal’ sort of life when you have someone working in a home space. I know some manage it, but our homes are different, our families are different, even the nature of the work is different.

I am pleased that I’ll have one day without DH at home but I am a bit sad that I won’t get to chill with just me and the baby. Hopefully he’ll have to do a few visits to clients.

I know everyone on here has super compliant toddlers, but I had a competent walker at 13 months. How do you explain to a child that age that the dining room is out of bounds between 4 and 6 pm? You can’t.

You can easily keep them downstairs, though.

He's got a boundaried space to work in, you don't. That's unfair.

Is it open plan? Can you section off a piece of another room so you can have it to yourself.

Or keep interrupting him so he understands how it feels. "Show not tell"

He might be an extravert who finds it hard not to have human interaction during a day WFH so go easy on him!