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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

322 replies

Iwrote · 28/04/2023 13:08

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

OP posts:
Restforabit · 01/05/2023 07:54

You can easily keep them downstairs, but it’s not much help if your husband works there.

Or if you live in a bungalow, as we did for the first 18 months.

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 07:59

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 07:54

You can easily keep them downstairs, but it’s not much help if your husband works there.

Or if you live in a bungalow, as we did for the first 18 months.

But OP's husband doesn't work downstairs.

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:15

If he’s in and out as often as he is, he might as well!

There is something in the ‘out of sight, out of mind.‘I don’t fully subscribe to it - even when I manage to get DH to work in the garden annexe I’m somehow aware of him - but if someone is WFH, then expecting everyone to carry on as if they aren’t there yet making it all too obvious that they ARE there is a nightmare.

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 08:21

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 07:54

You can easily keep them downstairs, but it’s not much help if your husband works there.

Or if you live in a bungalow, as we did for the first 18 months.

But they don't live in a bungalow?

WeWereInParis · 01/05/2023 08:27

How do you explain to a child that age that the dining room is out of bounds between 4 and 6 pm?

But OP's DH is upstairs in an office. I absolutely think he shouldn't be in and out of the room because that is confusing, but you can teach a child that the room upstairs that always has the door closed just isn't for them at any time. Particularly if you get a stair gate to keep them downstairs anyway.

I wouldn't be making any particular effort to keep a child quiet though. If normal household noises are a problem then the person wfh needs to leave, or just get some headphones.

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:29

Well, you can. On Mumsnet. In real life, my toddler ignores me, as do everybody else’s toddlers I know.

@nomoredrivingytu i know. But there is an assumption on here that everyone who works from home a) lives in a house with more than one level to it and b) that the person WFH goes upstairs and stays there.

This is not always or indeed often the case.

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 08:38

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:29

Well, you can. On Mumsnet. In real life, my toddler ignores me, as do everybody else’s toddlers I know.

@nomoredrivingytu i know. But there is an assumption on here that everyone who works from home a) lives in a house with more than one level to it and b) that the person WFH goes upstairs and stays there.

This is not always or indeed often the case.

Ok
If your toddler ignores you, just let them do as they want. I mean if they want the sharp knife out of the drawer and ignore when you say no, just let them have it. If they want sone of your scalding hot coffee, just let them have it.

You can't possibly stop them, if they ignore you.

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:48

To be honest @nomoredrivingytu i am pretty sure you are just goading but OK, I’ll bite.

If I take your first example above - if they want the sharp knife out of the drawer and ignore when you say no of course no one would do that. But the equivalent here is the toddler deciding that they want the sharp knife, really want that knife, holding it above their head, just out of reach, for hours at a time, and letting them get increasingly worked up and distressed when you keep saying no, you can’t have it.

When you have a husband or partner at home, even when they are as considerate as possible children often sense their presence and gravitate to where they are, and a lot of these partners just aren’t. In and out, out and in, booming out work calls, asking questions, turning up to play then vanishing abruptly and leaving a crying toddler.

When nannies with professional childcare qualifications say they prefer not to work when the parents WFH, that reassures me it’s not actually my shit parenting that’s at fault here!

Fourwallsclosingin · 01/05/2023 08:51

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 08:38

Ok
If your toddler ignores you, just let them do as they want. I mean if they want the sharp knife out of the drawer and ignore when you say no, just let them have it. If they want sone of your scalding hot coffee, just let them have it.

You can't possibly stop them, if they ignore you.

Show quote history

Yeah because a trip to the A&E for stitches or 3rd degree burns is a great strategy. Go hang out with your husband since you think he's so great and love spending time with him and stop trying to derail OPs thread. Seriously get a life, and think about getting some therapy too.

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 09:07

So it’s ok for you to WFH but not him?

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 09:16

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:48

To be honest @nomoredrivingytu i am pretty sure you are just goading but OK, I’ll bite.

If I take your first example above - if they want the sharp knife out of the drawer and ignore when you say no of course no one would do that. But the equivalent here is the toddler deciding that they want the sharp knife, really want that knife, holding it above their head, just out of reach, for hours at a time, and letting them get increasingly worked up and distressed when you keep saying no, you can’t have it.

When you have a husband or partner at home, even when they are as considerate as possible children often sense their presence and gravitate to where they are, and a lot of these partners just aren’t. In and out, out and in, booming out work calls, asking questions, turning up to play then vanishing abruptly and leaving a crying toddler.

When nannies with professional childcare qualifications say they prefer not to work when the parents WFH, that reassures me it’s not actually my shit parenting that’s at fault here!

If you read my posts, you'll see my SH was a night worker.

My children were 20 months and a new born.

So I know well what it's like having a DH at home.

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 09:20

*DH

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 09:21

I know, I have read your posts. I know your partner worked nights and I actually agreed with you earlier on that a partner on night shifts must be extremely difficult to deal with when there’s a toddler at home. But they aren’t in and out, loud, very present and physical yet equally Not To Be Disturbed

I do think a lot of your posts are just provocative and trying to put others down.

Justbeekind · 01/05/2023 09:50

Oh yes I'm getting the rage too. I get 2 hours 3 times a week to do my report writing whilst my 3 year old is at nursery and my 1 year old is napping. And during these times my DH interrupts/decides to come and chat about stuff of no importance what so ever! He doesn't help out with the kids however most days finishes his work midday and then spends the rest of the day playing video games/guitar and watching YouTube. Very annoying!

ExpatAl · 01/05/2023 11:16

Your kids need to behave. They don’t because you don’t insist. Both you and dh need to be on the same page about this. They all can learn it - work is work. It has its benefits- when older they’ll bring you coffees and make you lunch.

Comedycook · 01/05/2023 11:20

ExpatAl · 01/05/2023 11:16

Your kids need to behave. They don’t because you don’t insist. Both you and dh need to be on the same page about this. They all can learn it - work is work. It has its benefits- when older they’ll bring you coffees and make you lunch.

The kids are in their home. Homes aren't and shouldn't be offices.

MayDayMay · 01/05/2023 11:23

Buy a desk and put it in the living room, claim the space and get a do not disturb sign on the door. Don’t do the dishwasher etc. Buy a kettle for the living room.

GingerNutMe · 01/05/2023 11:37

Can I suggest you buy him a kettle and a water jug that he can keep in his office!? Can I also suggest that you tell him that he needs to be quiet and not distract you when he comes down. If he doesn't show you that curtesy then warn him (and carry out) that for every time he does it to you, you will pop up to his office and return the favour.

gannett · 01/05/2023 11:46

Comedycook · 01/05/2023 11:20

The kids are in their home. Homes aren't and shouldn't be offices.

Show quote history

It's pointless to keep stating this as though it was a universally agreed rule when that's patently not the case. Homes have been used as offices for decades. My dad had an office at home. My home has been my office since 2008. Lockdown obviously popularised the idea even further.

And everyone who lives in a home gets a say in what it's used for. "Homes aren't offices" wouldn't fly with me because my home IS my office and I like it that way. If you want a hardline "homes aren't offices" rule you need to live with people who share that view, or by yourself.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/05/2023 11:49

This thread has made me so happy that I’m single and live alone!

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:04

Justbeekind · 01/05/2023 09:50

Oh yes I'm getting the rage too. I get 2 hours 3 times a week to do my report writing whilst my 3 year old is at nursery and my 1 year old is napping. And during these times my DH interrupts/decides to come and chat about stuff of no importance what so ever! He doesn't help out with the kids however most days finishes his work midday and then spends the rest of the day playing video games/guitar and watching YouTube. Very annoying!

A real downside of WFH is becoming aware of how much time my DH pisses away during the day.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 12:14

As I've said before I think it works way better if just one partner has the WFH kind of job. My H worked from home from 1999

Goldbar · 01/05/2023 12:16

gannett · 01/05/2023 11:46

It's pointless to keep stating this as though it was a universally agreed rule when that's patently not the case. Homes have been used as offices for decades. My dad had an office at home. My home has been my office since 2008. Lockdown obviously popularised the idea even further.

And everyone who lives in a home gets a say in what it's used for. "Homes aren't offices" wouldn't fly with me because my home IS my office and I like it that way. If you want a hardline "homes aren't offices" rule you need to live with people who share that view, or by yourself.

Show quote history

How does that work for parents though?

Have you tried saying to a 2 year old, "Sweetheart, you need to be quiet and not make any noise for the next 8 hours because this house is actually my office"?

What do you do if your kid can't manage office levels of quiet? Give them away? Pen them in the garden?

Fourwallsclosingin · 01/05/2023 12:26

fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/05/2023 11:49

This thread has made me so happy that I’m single and live alone!

Ha ha, hell yeah, rejoice! 😁

Justbeekind · 01/05/2023 12:29

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:04

A real downside of WFH is becoming aware of how much time my DH pisses away during the day.

Show quote history

It really does take the piss doesn't it. I'm desperately trying to get my work done in two hours (I freelance so no boss as such on my back!) and he's swanning around for half the day doing bugger all 😡