I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

[Iwrote]

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

How’s he ended up with the office and you the dining table?

Second the headphones and sharing the office. I'd also suggest to him that since homeworkers save on the commute they need to do certain house tasks on that day and discuss with him who does what. It sounds like he's the type of guy for whom that would prompt a return to the office.

He works in tech so has a few screens, lots of gadgets etc. I just need a laptop, phone and a bit of peace, so me having the dining table is the obvious solution, if only I could get the peace.

I can't go to a coffee shop or anything as my work is confidential (health related) so I can't log on to public networks etc. My employer decommissioned my office during covid, so the next hot desk is in a busy general hospital, which isn't really practical. I have patients to visit a lot of the time, so I need to be able to park, get to my car etc.

For those of you with full control over your toddlers I think you're wonderful, but I don't. An hour ago I went for a wee and she hotfooted it upstairs, and burst in to show her dad her graze on her knee. Besides with the endless up and down the stairs on his part he's highly visible so she knows he's here. It's just a fucking ball ache.

If working from home isn't working for you because your DH is also working from home, surely the onus is on you to go back into the office (or if no office, then hire yourself some desk space)? It's clearly working for your DH, so no reason for him to go back to the office.

Regarding your days off when the children are there - it's reasonable to stop them bursting in on your DH if he is in the study taking work calls (with the door shut), but beyond that, if he is unable to work from home because of the normal family noise in the house, then the onus would be on him to go back into the office or rent alternative desk space.

Yes. Women, if you can't work at home properly because your husband is a selfish dick, its your problem and you should go back to the office or pay for desk space! As long as it works for him, you do not matter and you should sort it out or stfu.

Thanks for that, so helpful.

Bluetooth and remotely headphones means I can be on a meeting, walk around the house, sit in my garden, chat to people (whilst on mute) and fully attend the meeting. Plug into my phone and I can go for a walk at the same time. It’s nothing like early retirement.

Can you get a folding table for bedroom and escape there

Yes this sort of thing annoys me quite a lot. When my husband works from home, he is doing that in our home - we haven’t moved into his office.

could you not share the office space? Myself and DH both WFH full time (he also works in tech and has loads of screens) and we sit next to each other. Separate desks may I add. It works really well, we both have noise cancelling headsets and often have calls at the same time without any issues.
We love it, we take it in turns to make the drinks/lunch, or if one is on a mega long call the other will make sure they have a drink. We even have an "office" box of chocolates at Xmas 😂

That's not what I said though, is it?

I'm saying that if the home environment is not suitable for someone to work in, man or woman, then the onus is for them to find somewhere else to work that is suitable. You don't get to stop other people living their lives in their homes because you want to work there. No worker, regardless of sex has the right to demand that other people in their home change their behaviour so that they can treat the family home as an office. The onus is on the worker, whatever their sex, to find somewhere suitable to work. In most cases, offices are open for people who cannot work at home to go into if their home is not conducive to work in.

This does sound like the sort of thing you could iron out with good will and DH being a bit more considerate.

If he needs a wander fine, he can go for a walk.

My DH has the "office" (v grand word for it!) and he comes out midmorning for a drink, a decent lunchbreak, and mid-pm for a biscuit. Love having him WFH and he's not at all annoying.

Reckon your toddler could be trained if your husband were on board and consistent with door shutting. If he's not then surely it's his problem. Focus on sorting your own workspace issues, not his.

Yep - I had a long rant about this last week. My home isn’t my own, and I definitely can’t stop DS (2 years 5 months) going into DH constantly, so we have to be out out out all the time and I’m so tiiiiiiiired.

No objections to DH otherwise. I don’t mind (in fact I enjoy) him BEING at home, but working from home, here but not here, is horrible.

I agree OP.

The benefits of wfh for the family are easier childcare/school drop-offs and pick-ups, and being able to utilise the time saved committing to do valuable activities like house chores and exercise. This frees up evening/weekend time for family time.

If he's part of a family and wfh, but not generating any of these benefits for the family but instead causing the family problems through his presence, then I agree with you that he is a selfish arse who should fuck off back to the office.

As a minimum, he should be devoting half his commute time saved to chores and childcare.

Can't you just close the door, or is it one of those rooms you have to walk through to get to the kitchen?

Did you WFH before the pandemic OP? Because if you didn’t, I don’t think you’ve a leg to stand on.

My OH WFH and I work long hours term time. I absolutely love it and so does he. He uses his mandated breaks to do household chores and enjoys taking the dog for a walk in the mid morning. He is so much happier and I have more time when I get home. His hours are reasonably flexible as long as he logs in and out so they can track how many and whether he is available for short notice meetings.

I have long holidays and when I am home we don't communicate after he starts unless he elicits it. He's working. I just potter around and don't notice he's there really. He has a good headset and shuts himself away for meetings.

Initially I was furloughed when he started WFH full time so we sat down and established some ground rules around talking to each other when he was working and it's always been fine. We have a very small mostly open plan house too.

My employer decommissioned my office during covid, so the next hot desk is in a busy general hospital, which isn't really practical. I have patients to visit a lot of the time, so I need to be able to park, get to my car etc

These aren’t reasons why you have to WFH. They’re reasons why it’s more convenient for you to WFH.

Expect your DH has his reasons why it’s more convenient for him as well.

and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc

You see, I'd say that you really don't have to protect him. You think his needs trumpet yours, but you could negotiate this with him.

In the situation you describe, id be encouraging DD to break in to his calls possibly while making sure o was too busy elsewhere to rescue her

OP can you carve out space in a bedroom for your office? That way you aren’t in the living area of the house and will be out of the qu with a closed door. If you are in the dining room you are going to get a lot of interruptions when he goes to the bathroom or to get a drink etc. I would move yourself to a space that is well out of sight and not in the mine of traffic between his office and the common areas of the house.

I solved this - the chatty, interrupting WFH DH (not the toddler, past that stage!) by saying to him, Look, I appreciate this sounds grumpy as all fuck, but when I’m WFH I am desperate for some peace & quiet to concentrate, that’s why I’m not in the office. And it seems like you’re desperate for some company when home, as you’ve had enough solitude, because you’re in and out and wanting to chat. But I cannot be your company. I know it sounds grumpy, I don’t mean to be but our needs are not well aligned on this. So perhaps you need to go into the office more?

And I do r get these posts saying a parent should let their toddler intentionally disrupt a working from home parent as though being as disruptive as possible to your spouse is a good thing. Is that really how. Alan should treat his wife or a wife her husband - be as difficult and disruptive as you can be?

Having an office in an open common area of a house is just not a good idea. Especially given OP needs to make phone calls with clients. You need to create an office space somewhere else in the house to work in OP

Use a stair gate to stop DD?

too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts

This made me laugh in recognition!

That is literally exactly what you said.

The home environment isn't suitable for OP to work in only because he is being a dick. Your answer was for her to leave, not for him to stop being a dick, or him to leave.