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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know it's been done to death, but I wish DH would stop WFH

322 replies

Iwrote · 28/04/2023 13:08

Anyone else in the same boat?

DH has the office and I have the dining table, but he's up and down, chatting, getting drinks, moaning, generally distracting me until I have to ask him to please leave me in peace. He doesn't do anything useful in these frequent trips, too busy to empty the dishwasher but not busy enough to not drive me nuts.
Days I don't work I pick youngest up from nursery and then have to stop her busting in on her Dad when he's on calls etc, I feel like my home isn't my own.
I wish he'd just fuck off back to the office, as least a few days a week. I know there's a commute, but I feel like I'm a woman on the edge.

OP posts:
Fourwallsclosingin · 01/05/2023 12:33

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:04

A real downside of WFH is becoming aware of how much time my DH pisses away during the day.

Show quote history

This exactly. My DH wakes about 7, he'll do a nappy change which I appreciate. He usually starts about 10. He then has a shower around 12.30, that lasts about 1.5hrs. He then will finish around 6.30 and will do the nappy change and put DC to sleep. He's always been slow and takes ages to get ready and get anything done, so yes it is my fault. But I'll admit it's wearing me down. And today it gave me the rage.

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:51

@Fourwallsclosingin @Justbeekind

Infuriating.

Yet he never seems to have time to empty the dishwasher or put away his laundry while WFH.

And then when I want help clearing the children's toys away in the evening I am treated to the dramatic exhausted sighs and yawns the whole time as though he has been shovelling coal in a mine all day and simply must rest.

Fourwallsclosingin · 01/05/2023 12:55

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:51

@Fourwallsclosingin @Justbeekind

Infuriating.

Yet he never seems to have time to empty the dishwasher or put away his laundry while WFH.

And then when I want help clearing the children's toys away in the evening I am treated to the dramatic exhausted sighs and yawns the whole time as though he has been shovelling coal in a mine all day and simply must rest.

Yes!! Exactly! And oh, the sighing and the moaning! Wow, are we married to the same man. I wish we were friends, would love to have a wine and a bitch and moan with you!

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:57

@Fourwallsclosingin

WineWine virtual wine on me. 😂

Fourwallsclosingin · 01/05/2023 13:01

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 12:57

@Fourwallsclosingin

WineWine virtual wine on me. 😂

🍷😘

Feelridiculous · 01/05/2023 13:28

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 28/04/2023 14:34

Yes. Women, if you can't work at home properly because your husband is a selfish dick, its your problem and you should go back to the office or pay for desk space! As long as it works for him, you do not matter and you should sort it out or stfu.

Thanks for that, so helpful.

Show quote history

Glad someone else thinks this. The attitude if "hone working doesn't suit you so go back" is rubbish. Home working does suit her. She's clearly reasonable, letting him have the office as he needs it more for his set up. If he is so desperate to get the children to act like he's not there, he needs to reduce his visibility when they are there to help with that. Seems like she's trying to stop them but there needs to be support from him as well. Sounds like he needs to pull his finger out. Most people I know feel home working works because they can put a wash on during their lunch break of whip the vacuum round during the commute time. Sounds like OP is the only one doing housework and is making concessions whilst her husband is enjoying the extra time, his personal office set up and making no concessions.

ExpatAl · 01/05/2023 14:05

Goldbar · 01/05/2023 12:16

How does that work for parents though?

Have you tried saying to a 2 year old, "Sweetheart, you need to be quiet and not make any noise for the next 8 hours because this house is actually my office"?

What do you do if your kid can't manage office levels of quiet? Give them away? Pen them in the garden?

Show quote history

It works for parents and children fine. Kids can learn work is work. My daughter has known that since tiny and knows she needs to occupy herself when DH or are busy. I would give definite times when I could give her undivided attention. I would also organise her play and craft stuff so she could easily find sth to do.

GoodEnough1 · 01/05/2023 14:37

I can’t believe anyone voted against you on this one. I feel your pain and can imagine it would be 100% like that in our house if we both worked from home.

mandlerparr · 01/05/2023 15:36

I love these messages. This would have completely worked on me as a child. I would have been more than happy to be in my room, with a book, headphones on and listening to music. Though, these days I guess I would be on a tablet or something. But not my brother. He wouldn't have listened to a thing you say. Spanking would have done nothing, corner-nothing, timeout-nothing, grounding-nothing. There is absolutely nothing on earth and in heaven that would have ever stopped him.
Yes, parenting does have an effect. But very young children are learning. At toddler age, if your child is willing to sit for hours quietly-that is their personality.

The only other reason is trauma.

PeachyPeachTrees · 01/05/2023 17:36

I WFH everyday and DH 3 days home and 2 days office. He has a study upstairs and I have a garden room. Works brilliantly.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 17:40

@mandlerparr our son was used to it as my H worked from home by the point he was 2. One thing though was we had him in nursery and he wasn't picked up till around 5.45 - so by the time he was picked up my Hs attention was on him- same at primary - he did after school club till 5.30 (which he really liked). In the holidays, I then did take time off and WFH as well

I sometimes think part of the issue here is people thinking WFH means cutting down on childcare and after school clubs. I would say this can work with over 7s- but depends very much on temperament of child

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:04

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 07:02

@Nanaof1 when she gets old enough to walk through a stair gate, she's old enough to understand not to disturb her working father (which she is already old enough for). If he's on a call then her outside a locked door making a load of noise will disturb him and the call.

How ridiculous that you think on that would be a good idea, just lock the door......

Some people have no idea.

Then I guess her NSDP needs to go off to the office where he can have all the peace and quiet he desires. Then he won't be able to interrupt the OP when she is working as if he is the age of their DC and she'll get the peace and quiet SHE deserves.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:24

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 09:21

I know, I have read your posts. I know your partner worked nights and I actually agreed with you earlier on that a partner on night shifts must be extremely difficult to deal with when there’s a toddler at home. But they aren’t in and out, loud, very present and physical yet equally Not To Be Disturbed

I do think a lot of your posts are just provocative and trying to put others down.

I totally agree. My DH worked swing shift for 37 years. We had children and grandchildren during that time and never had a problem. Why? Because when he went to bed he wasn't getting up every 30 minutes, wandering around the house, chatting, snacking, visiting and getting the DC/DGC all wrought up.

Maybe a gate would work. One of those 6 ft tall locking gates that could go at the bottom of the stairs. Then, during the late afternoon & evening, the OP can keep it closed to keep DC downstairs. During the day, she can keep it closed and locked to prevent the supposed grown-up with the emotional and mental behavior of a toddler from bothering her while she works. It actually sounds like the best of ideas. I heartily approve. I am betting "certain MNers" will be aghast at that suggestion because men rule in their world and women belong on their knees.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:26

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 09:07

So it’s ok for you to WFH but not him?

She would love to be able to WFH. Sadly, she has a DH with the emotional and mental maturity of a toddler who won't leave her alone so she can work. He seems to ONLY want peace and quiet when it's convenient for HIM and according to many MNers here, she just needs to suck it up and please him and only him.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:29

ExpatAl · 01/05/2023 11:16

Your kids need to behave. They don’t because you don’t insist. Both you and dh need to be on the same page about this. They all can learn it - work is work. It has its benefits- when older they’ll bring you coffees and make you lunch.

Her DH needs to learn to behave. I see very little difference between his actions and their DC's actions, except the DC is a toddler and the DH is supposed to be an adult. Until the DH learns to behave, the DC won't because her DD is such a lousy example.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:32

Restforabit · 01/05/2023 08:48

To be honest @nomoredrivingytu i am pretty sure you are just goading but OK, I’ll bite.

If I take your first example above - if they want the sharp knife out of the drawer and ignore when you say no of course no one would do that. But the equivalent here is the toddler deciding that they want the sharp knife, really want that knife, holding it above their head, just out of reach, for hours at a time, and letting them get increasingly worked up and distressed when you keep saying no, you can’t have it.

When you have a husband or partner at home, even when they are as considerate as possible children often sense their presence and gravitate to where they are, and a lot of these partners just aren’t. In and out, out and in, booming out work calls, asking questions, turning up to play then vanishing abruptly and leaving a crying toddler.

When nannies with professional childcare qualifications say they prefer not to work when the parents WFH, that reassures me it’s not actually my shit parenting that’s at fault here!

And yes, @nomoredrivingytu is doing nothing but trying to goad as they have had nothing of benefit to add. They must believe the old adage; "If you can't dazzle 'em with your brains, just baffle them with your b#lls#ite."

WFH and being on a night shift is nothing alike. At all.

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 18:33

@Nanaof1 any parent that can't stop a child from going upstairs through a stair gate ...... needs to take a long fucking hard look at themselves!

Oh but they ignore......

Toddlers do not rule the home!

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 18:33

@Nanaof1 Grin

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 18:35

@Nanaof1 your last sentence makes no sense! Have you had too much wine?

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:39

Goldbar · 01/05/2023 12:16

How does that work for parents though?

Have you tried saying to a 2 year old, "Sweetheart, you need to be quiet and not make any noise for the next 8 hours because this house is actually my office"?

What do you do if your kid can't manage office levels of quiet? Give them away? Pen them in the garden?

Show quote history

I'm sure they don't believe in anything more drastic than rope and duct tape. Used as a behavioral tool of course. 🙄

Or, as they all seem to claim; they had perfect children who never did anything wrong. Just little Romper Room do-bees with a perfect set of parents. They should be canonized any day now. 😇😆

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 18:44

@Nanaof1 rope and duct tape.....

Just decent parenting, that clearly you can't manage!

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:44

Feelridiculous · 01/05/2023 13:28

Glad someone else thinks this. The attitude if "hone working doesn't suit you so go back" is rubbish. Home working does suit her. She's clearly reasonable, letting him have the office as he needs it more for his set up. If he is so desperate to get the children to act like he's not there, he needs to reduce his visibility when they are there to help with that. Seems like she's trying to stop them but there needs to be support from him as well. Sounds like he needs to pull his finger out. Most people I know feel home working works because they can put a wash on during their lunch break of whip the vacuum round during the commute time. Sounds like OP is the only one doing housework and is making concessions whilst her husband is enjoying the extra time, his personal office set up and making no concessions.

Show quote history

Let's not forget the fact that her NSDH also seems to think that the OP is not deserving of the same courtesy he demands be given to him. His workday would be almost over by the time the DC got home if he would stop pestering the OP by coming downstairs every 30 seconds to kvetch, moan, chat, snack, get drinks and expect OP to "do lunch" with him/for him.

nomoredrivingytu · 01/05/2023 18:46

@Nanaof1 maybe step back from this thread? Its obviously triggering you.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 01/05/2023 19:13

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 18:26

She would love to be able to WFH. Sadly, she has a DH with the emotional and mental maturity of a toddler who won't leave her alone so she can work. He seems to ONLY want peace and quiet when it's convenient for HIM and according to many MNers here, she just needs to suck it up and please him and only him.

Show quote history

100% bang on. ^ There are still a few obtuse and hard of thinking posters on here though, who just don't get it - or are refusing to. (Just to be pedantic and goady...) Ignore the snarky goady comments telling you to leave the thread too.

phoenixrosehere · 01/05/2023 19:19

He might be an extravert who finds it hard not to have human interaction during a day WFH so go easy on him!

Then he should return to the office where he can chat with his colleagues.

Why is it on OP to facilitate this need to chat and whatnot when she is at work too and would like to do it with little interruption? Why does his need to chat trump her need to not be bothered when working?