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Original poster

To go for a drink with friends dad

667 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 28/04/2023 11:55

Iv been friends with this friend for ever and her dad has always been there for me and has messaged me a few times over the years but it's just been jokey flirty stuff nothing much of anything and he messaged me this morning to go round for a few drinks tonight. I want to go but I don't know how my friend will react.
Yanbu. Do what you want its nobody's business
Yabu. You don't cross that line with a friends dad

OP posts:
waterlego · 30/04/2023 00:20

OP, I agree with the poster who suggested maybe you give sex a swerve for a while. It’s fairly clear you use it to satisfy your need to feel loved and cared for, but I don’t think any of these unsuitable, condom-refusing men are going to make you feel good about yourself.

It is fine for women to have casual sex and a variety of partners- as long as it is safe and no one is getting hurt. But that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here.

Maybe you’ve got a high sex drive- nothing wrong with that, and it might be a part of the mental illness that you have (I think I’m right in saying it can be a feature of bipolar disorder?) But you could stick to satisfying your drive just with yourself for the time being. I think for women to enjoy casual sex without harm (to themselves and/or others), they ideally need to have fairly robust self-esteem and an ability to detach sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy. I don’t think that really describes you from what I can glean here.

OldFan · 30/04/2023 01:54

The treatment for bpd is dbt

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy If you get PIP you can find a therapist who does DBT if you like and pay for it with that. It didn't do anything for me when I tried it for Borderline traits but it's worth a try. It's very like CBT really.

I got a lot out of EMDR therapy for trauma though and it really improved my state of mind, I'd recommend it. You can also get it on the NHS sometimes.

Also medication. It took me a while to accept one of the meds for my bipolar (I was happy with the other one.)

Of course if you're on any meds then alcohol will interact with them and make you feel worse/reduce their effectiveness.

I think this bloke could make you very unhappy if he messes you around. It will bring up all the trauma you experienced, the abandonment you've known from supposed caregivers in your childhood etc.

Please take care of yourself, sometimes being single is much better for you. xx

OldFan · 30/04/2023 01:59

Maybe you’ve got a high sex drive- nothing wrong with that, and it might be a part of the mental illness that you have

I think OP has a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and it's not even necessarily that they're horny- they have a deep sense of loneliness and latching onto someone can make theom feel better for a while, and the validation of a man wanting them, the self esteem boost from pulling etc.

I have traits of it so I understand.

They often have a deep fear of abandonment.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy You risk being used and abandoned by someone who has a somewhat paternal vibe for you, who you trust to look after you. If/when he ditches you it'll bring up all the abandonment you've experienced in the past. I would cut your losses now and stay away. It could be a recipe for a nervous breakdown. x

JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:41

He's a predatory old perv.

Looooop · 30/04/2023 06:47

Let's not use the word old, 45 isn't old and might be offensive to people however. However the other description I do agree with.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:05

45 IS old when you’re in your early twenties.

I am not attracted to boys men in their early 20s and I’m not even 45!

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 07:27

Looooop · 30/04/2023 06:47

Let's not use the word old, 45 isn't old and might be offensive to people however. However the other description I do agree with.

It is in this context, stop being ridiculously sensitive!

Looooop · 30/04/2023 07:41

Calm down.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:54

She’s right though 🤷🏻‍♀️

GuevarasBeret · 30/04/2023 07:57

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 28/04/2023 11:57

Yeah iv fancied him for years, he's always been really nice to me

Show quote history

He’s quite fucking horrible to his own child though.

The answer is No. A decent man would never do this.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 10:16

Looooop · 30/04/2023 06:47

Let's not use the word old, 45 isn't old and might be offensive to people however. However the other description I do agree with.

I'm 45 next year, I mean it is quite old compared to a 26 yo. Why is being old offensive? We all get old, nothing to be offended over.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 10:39

Looooop · 30/04/2023 07:41

Calm down.

If that's aimed at me, I'm calm, you on the other hand.....

DirectionToPerfection · 30/04/2023 11:21

Of course 45 is old in this context, the OP is only 26.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 11:23

DirectionToPerfection · 30/04/2023 11:21

Of course 45 is old in this context, the OP is only 26.

Hang on, I'm much older than that and now I'm really offended.............not!

Looooop · 30/04/2023 11:38

What a load of fuss over nothing 😂 like being in a classroom.

nomoredrivingytu · 30/04/2023 12:32

Looooop · 30/04/2023 11:38

What a load of fuss over nothing 😂 like being in a classroom.

???

butterpuffed · 30/04/2023 13:09

It's not just his age , it's also that his daughter has been OP's friend for a long time , he knows she has mental health problems and still thinks it's okay to pursue her . All sorts of wrong .

sammylady37 · 30/04/2023 14:21

I'm not good at remembering to take the pill

If that’s the case then it’s your responsibility to ask your GP about alternatives. Did you tell your friend’s father this before he fucked you without a condom or did you just tell him you were on the pill?

He said I need to go to sh clinic to be tested sti/stds

He’s right, and tbh you shouldn’t need to be told this

and that I need to be using condoms everytime (which obviously no man is gonna agree to)

If a man doesn’t agree to wear a condom then you don’t agree to have sex with him. You’re not a passive participant, you have agency here. Fwiw, I’ve had lots of sexual partners, only one man refused to wear a condom with me and he was swiftly exited from my bed and my life, end of.

YellowDiamondInTheSky · 30/04/2023 20:23

OP, I’m very much of the view sex between two consenting adults is fine, whether it be a one night stand, FB, FWB or a relationship. So whilst I personally wouldn’t be supportive of a friend wanting to sleep with a friend’s dad because of the boundaries it crosses, ultimately it would be up to them.

So I’m not judging you for sleeping with him. But I honestly don’t think this guy is good for you. I know you said that he wants more than that one night, but sending you on your way first thing in the morning and wanting to hook up again suggests he wants a casual fwb with someone half his age. I fear you will develop feelings for him which won’t be reciprocated and end up getting hurt. Please be careful.

Littleworkaholic · 30/04/2023 20:36

YellowDiamondInTheSky · 30/04/2023 20:23

OP, I’m very much of the view sex between two consenting adults is fine, whether it be a one night stand, FB, FWB or a relationship. So whilst I personally wouldn’t be supportive of a friend wanting to sleep with a friend’s dad because of the boundaries it crosses, ultimately it would be up to them.

So I’m not judging you for sleeping with him. But I honestly don’t think this guy is good for you. I know you said that he wants more than that one night, but sending you on your way first thing in the morning and wanting to hook up again suggests he wants a casual fwb with someone half his age. I fear you will develop feelings for him which won’t be reciprocated and end up getting hurt. Please be careful.

She’s already got feelings for him. This wasn’t a casual shag for her. She wants a relationship with him and for him to look after her. It’s very clear that’s not reciprocated and won’t happen.

she’s very vulnerable. And he’s taken advantage of that to get laid.

this is the issue. When one adult is taking advantage of another.

I’d agree that the fact she was so early home the next day is a very bad sign. He clearly did not want her hanging round, I think she knows though. The comment she doesn’t wish him to get mad so doesn’t want to ask him to tell his daughter, wants ti wait a few weeks to see where it goes, doesn’t know if he wants a relationship etc shows she’s very unsure despite the bravado

YellowDiamondInTheSky · 30/04/2023 20:50

Littleworkaholic · 30/04/2023 20:36

She’s already got feelings for him. This wasn’t a casual shag for her. She wants a relationship with him and for him to look after her. It’s very clear that’s not reciprocated and won’t happen.

she’s very vulnerable. And he’s taken advantage of that to get laid.

this is the issue. When one adult is taking advantage of another.

I’d agree that the fact she was so early home the next day is a very bad sign. He clearly did not want her hanging round, I think she knows though. The comment she doesn’t wish him to get mad so doesn’t want to ask him to tell his daughter, wants ti wait a few weeks to see where it goes, doesn’t know if he wants a relationship etc shows she’s very unsure despite the bravado

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Yes, completely agree. She’s going to get badly hurt here, and with her mental health issues, she’s already in a vulnerable place.

OldFan · 30/04/2023 21:27

You say he makes you feel safe and happy, but imagine how you'll feel if/when he stops seeing you @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy Sad He can give you that feeling of comfort without you shagging him.

I understand 100% what it's like as I've been similar at times.

need to go to sh clinic to be tested sti/stds and need to discuss different bc with gp and that I need to be using condoms everytime (which obviously no man is gonna agree to

I can't believe he didn't even use a condom with you the first time/you presumably didn't make him. Shock

If you never have already, sooner or later you're going to catch a dose of something from someone.

OldFan · 30/04/2023 21:34

she doesn’t wish him to get mad so doesn’t want to ask him to tell his daughter

Yes that wasn't good. As I've said, I understand all of it @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy . But if you want to do a thing then tell a man, if the man can't live with what your conscience/feelings tell you to do then he is no loss.

I've ended up in some very unpleasant situations by not wanting to lose people/men. I put up with a lot of things in the past for that reason. It's not worth it.

mexicanandafewdrinks · 30/04/2023 23:26

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy did you have a good night last night? xx

ScreamingInfidelities · 30/04/2023 23:50

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 18:48

Cmon no men like wearing condoms. Iv never met any lads who will use condoms thats why most women are on birth control

Show quote history

I was wild in my early 20s, slept with a LOT of guys. Never without a condom. It has literally never been an issue.