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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To go for a drink with friends dad

667 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 28/04/2023 11:55

Iv been friends with this friend for ever and her dad has always been there for me and has messaged me a few times over the years but it's just been jokey flirty stuff nothing much of anything and he messaged me this morning to go round for a few drinks tonight. I want to go but I don't know how my friend will react.
Yanbu. Do what you want its nobody's business
Yabu. You don't cross that line with a friends dad

OP posts:
Munchyseeds2 · 29/04/2023 11:01

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 09:41

But im drinking again anyway so what's it matter

Anyone who cares about you would be trying to help you not to drink for starters!!
He just used you and will continue to do so for as long as you let him
Please get some real life help

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 11:03

Munchyseeds2 · 29/04/2023 11:01

Anyone who cares about you would be trying to help you not to drink for starters!!
He just used you and will continue to do so for as long as you let him
Please get some real life help

My cpn is coming round on Tuesday so will speak to her

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 29/04/2023 11:07

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 11:03

My cpn is coming round on Tuesday so will speak to her

So you are going to continue to use limited mental health support but not even try and help yourself? Drinking and making bad decisions like shagging your friends exes and dads is on you, nobody else

If you genuinely need support then take it and try and better your life

NoFall · 29/04/2023 11:08

TheDogsWardrobe · 29/04/2023 10:21

I think it’s best of everyone stops posting. OP has issues and craves attention due to those issues. Giving her attention for harmful behaviours is going to reinforce that acting this way is worthwhile as it gives her attention.

OP, what you need is support from women who see the situation for what it is. You have to be ready to listen and make changes if you want your life to improve. We have no reason to lie to you that this is not a good situation.

When you’re ready to listen, start a new thread asking for help and you’ll get lots of advice and support. I hope you get to that stage. Til then, I’m out too.

Agree.

And if mumsnet do welfare checks as a pp suggested, it would be a good thing. The reports and mumsnet commenting on the thread, hopefully mean this is on mumsnets radar anyway.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/04/2023 11:12

Classic borderline behaviour sadly, scared of abandonment but engaging in destructive behaviour that makes it inevitable.

AnonymousFemale2023 · 29/04/2023 11:12

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 10:45

I'm on the pill

So he didnt even use a condom? Who knows who else hes been shagging, you wont be the only one. Yuck. Get tested for STDs.

i agree, tell him you both need to be honest with your friend/his daughter. See his reaction. I bet it goes down like a shit sandwich. Him keeping the “relationship” private is so he can get away with this without others knowing. Hes not doing it to protect you. Hes doing it so he doesn’t look disgusting to his mates/family. Shagging his daughters mate, who hes known since she was 11…

op were all really concerned for you. So sound incredibly vulnerable. You really aren’t listening to any good advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 11:32

AnonymousFemale2023 · 29/04/2023 11:12

So he didnt even use a condom? Who knows who else hes been shagging, you wont be the only one. Yuck. Get tested for STDs.

i agree, tell him you both need to be honest with your friend/his daughter. See his reaction. I bet it goes down like a shit sandwich. Him keeping the “relationship” private is so he can get away with this without others knowing. Hes not doing it to protect you. Hes doing it so he doesn’t look disgusting to his mates/family. Shagging his daughters mate, who hes known since she was 11…

op were all really concerned for you. So sound incredibly vulnerable. You really aren’t listening to any good advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am im going to speak to my cpn on Tuesday

OP posts:
Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 11:40

Forgot about the bpd thing. Ok. Lots of attention seeking behaviours.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/04/2023 11:45

Please do speak to your CPN and listen, you know somethings off or you wouldn't have posted. FWIW I don't think hes groomed you since you were 11. I do however, think hes seen your vulnerability and decided to take advantage. You know from your past encounters that this is really common. Some men do this just for shits and giggles and you know it. The moment you ask about commitment or telling his daughter he will change. You also know this. So, leave him be till he gets in touch with you and see where you go from there. I am not advising this to encourage you but to stop you from getting your heart battered. Again. This will not end well and you need to continue to post here. The majority of posters can see you and are worried. Some of it may sound harsh but they are trying to shock you. I think the women involved play an important role. You want these men to pick you. You were gutted when you realised your friends ex shagged you in your bathroom to get a reaction from your friend and you didn't even like him that way! This man will not chose you over his daughter in any way, shape or form.

Rudicoolcat · 29/04/2023 11:59

Good grief.... This Friday night 'special' (to use an older phrase) only cost him a Chinese and a drink, this has cost you your dignity, self respect and no doubt your friend. He will surely tell one person because of the need to boost his ego, who will go on to tell another, so there's no way on this green earth she's not going to hear about this, and I think you should stop calling her your friend; friends don't do this to each other. She has now become some girl you used to know...

It saddens me that you come across as boastful and seem to think this situation is all okay. It's not sweetheart, it's not okay. But no one here will be able to tell you otherwise all the while you're telling yourself only what you want to hear.

You know this situation is wrong but you came to social media hoping for people to enable your entitlement to do as you please and not consider the consequences. As you can read, people here do not agree with your life choices in this situation.

Not sure what else you need to hear; there's some sound advice being imparted but you take no heed. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Good luck with your life choices you're going to need it. 🤞😞

REP22 · 29/04/2023 12:35

Like many on here, I took the OP at their word and tried to offer heartfelt support and maybe some advice. But sadly I think that we are being played.

Although I didn't post it last evening (my emotional capital on this and elsewhere had been spent for the day) I knew for sure (but partly hoped I'd be wrong) that the OP would be back to tell us all how very very wrong and delusional we all were, that a wonderful loving time was had with a sensitive and thoughtful gentleman. But I didn't expect it to be before 9.00am. Someone who regularly drinks to and beyond capacity and who needs a drink to ease their path into unwise sexual situations is unlikely to awake, let alone able to hop online to write lucid, coherent "see how right I was, it was all lovely and you are all wrong, jealous and mean" posts, including ongoing responses. I know this because I used to be like that myself. Many weekends were lost in drinking, hangover, sleep and more drinking. Posts online hectoring strangers for daring to care about and advise me would not have been possible until at least lunchtime on a Monday.

I'm sorry. I hate to write this, but there it is. If the thread remains then I predict further posts detailing loving messages and gestures from this sensitive mature lover to further prove us wrong. Time spent happy in each others' company. The daughter "finding out" and being delighted for them.

It was touching to see the outpouring of concern, kindness and advice offered by many on here, where MN threads can sometimes be a bleak place. It was nice to read what you kind people had to say.

As for @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy , I can only wish you well again, and hope that you can get the help and support with whatever it is that you need to live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. x

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 12:58

REP22 · 29/04/2023 12:35

Like many on here, I took the OP at their word and tried to offer heartfelt support and maybe some advice. But sadly I think that we are being played.

Although I didn't post it last evening (my emotional capital on this and elsewhere had been spent for the day) I knew for sure (but partly hoped I'd be wrong) that the OP would be back to tell us all how very very wrong and delusional we all were, that a wonderful loving time was had with a sensitive and thoughtful gentleman. But I didn't expect it to be before 9.00am. Someone who regularly drinks to and beyond capacity and who needs a drink to ease their path into unwise sexual situations is unlikely to awake, let alone able to hop online to write lucid, coherent "see how right I was, it was all lovely and you are all wrong, jealous and mean" posts, including ongoing responses. I know this because I used to be like that myself. Many weekends were lost in drinking, hangover, sleep and more drinking. Posts online hectoring strangers for daring to care about and advise me would not have been possible until at least lunchtime on a Monday.

I'm sorry. I hate to write this, but there it is. If the thread remains then I predict further posts detailing loving messages and gestures from this sensitive mature lover to further prove us wrong. Time spent happy in each others' company. The daughter "finding out" and being delighted for them.

It was touching to see the outpouring of concern, kindness and advice offered by many on here, where MN threads can sometimes be a bleak place. It was nice to read what you kind people had to say.

As for @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy , I can only wish you well again, and hope that you can get the help and support with whatever it is that you need to live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. x

I won't be writing any further posts as none of you understand what it's actually like I'm sick of justifying myself. And I'm sick of reading what a wrong un this man is when it couldn't be further from the truth like I said I will speak to my cpn on Tuesday and go from there. I'm not saying I always make the right choices but they are my choices and while I have full capacity they remain my choices. I do appreciate the kindness of posters on here but your not in my situation. The op was about my friend not about her dad and what kind of person he is. Iv been accused of being crazy, putting my daughters at risk and being a troll. I have repeatedly offered to show evidence I'm not a troll, my daughters are at zero risk and myself their dads and ss will make sure of that and although yes I have a lot of mh issues and am perhaps not in the best place right now I do know what I'm doing.

OP posts:
QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 29/04/2023 13:02

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 12:58

I won't be writing any further posts as none of you understand what it's actually like I'm sick of justifying myself. And I'm sick of reading what a wrong un this man is when it couldn't be further from the truth like I said I will speak to my cpn on Tuesday and go from there. I'm not saying I always make the right choices but they are my choices and while I have full capacity they remain my choices. I do appreciate the kindness of posters on here but your not in my situation. The op was about my friend not about her dad and what kind of person he is. Iv been accused of being crazy, putting my daughters at risk and being a troll. I have repeatedly offered to show evidence I'm not a troll, my daughters are at zero risk and myself their dads and ss will make sure of that and although yes I have a lot of mh issues and am perhaps not in the best place right now I do know what I'm doing.

This is exactly my point - you asked about friendship, you are being a shit friend. They are 100% your choices and terrible hurtful choices they are. Take some time to actually work on yourself.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/04/2023 13:19

It's not that we "don't understand", you just don't like what people are telling you.

You are acting purely based off an urge for love and security but you're not thinking about the situation logically, and you're showing absolutely no regard for your friend or your kids. You don't actually care about anyone else's feelings but expect them to be there for you.

There are clearly issues there if you don't have custody of your children and social services are involved. For your children's sake I really hope you get proper help.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 14:02

I don’t really understand what’s happened op. You were home very early, which isn’t a great sign. You must have left fairly immediately. He doesn’t wish to spend any time with you this weekend? Did he suggest going out on a date? Or just come round for sex again?

He wants to see you again, but you don’t know if he wants a relationship and you think he might get mad if you say you wish him to tell his daughter. Which doesn’t tally with him not telling her only for your sake. Not telling her only for your sake would say he wants to tell her otherwise. If he doesn’t then it’s not for your sake.

you seem nervous about what this is, whilst proclaiming everyone wrong and it’s amazing.

you write like your friend is nothing to uou now. It’s all about him and what he wants. Is there no part of you that feels guilt for how you’re treating her, how you treated your other friend when you shagged her ex? Then went off and shagged your other mates dad?

MyTruthIsOut · 29/04/2023 14:05

This thread is a very sorry read.

If it’s a genuine thread then it really highlights what long term effects a damaged childhood can have on some people.

It’s very sobering.

kitsuneghost · 29/04/2023 15:59

MyTruthIsOut · 29/04/2023 14:05

This thread is a very sorry read.

If it’s a genuine thread then it really highlights what long term effects a damaged childhood can have on some people.

It’s very sobering.

The sadder thing is it is so common. People desperate for love getting into wrong and sometimes abusive relationships and then a few years down the line find themselves as a single parent on benefits.

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 16:34

OP please get the MAP. If you had a termination a few weeks ago your pill won't be 100% reliable.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 17:12

GoodChat · 29/04/2023 16:34

OP please get the MAP. If you had a termination a few weeks ago your pill won't be 100% reliable.

Ffs Is that genuinely true, nobody has said that to me, will I be able to get map on bh weekend

OP posts:
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 17:22

Anyone help pls it's bh weekend I'm going out tonight is this something I need to try and sort now

OP posts:
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 17:24

Your all choosing a brilliant time to ignore me. Now I'm panicking

OP posts:
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 17:25

Wow thanks for nothing

OP posts:
waterlego · 29/04/2023 17:28

OP, try not to panic.

To be honest, you were not keen to heed some of the very good advice you have received previously on this thread, so perhaps some posters think there’s no point advising as they might feel you’re unlikely to take their advice.

I don’t know very much about contraception and MAP but can you go to a chemist now? Ask advice from the pharmacist? If they agree that you should take the MAP, they should be able to prescribe it for you there and then, as far as I know.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 29/04/2023 17:29

waterlego · 29/04/2023 17:28

OP, try not to panic.

To be honest, you were not keen to heed some of the very good advice you have received previously on this thread, so perhaps some posters think there’s no point advising as they might feel you’re unlikely to take their advice.

I don’t know very much about contraception and MAP but can you go to a chemist now? Ask advice from the pharmacist? If they agree that you should take the MAP, they should be able to prescribe it for you there and then, as far as I know.

Thanks il google what's open near me

OP posts:
Gourmetfelix · 29/04/2023 17:31

I would go now, will keep my eye on the thread, here if you need me