Page 9 | To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

Sparkle900429 · 28/04/2023 17:29

I currently don’t drive.

I would never behave in this way, one occasion if it was absolute emergency maybe I would consider asking but as far as I’m concerned it’s my responsible getting to and from where I need/want to go, nobody else’s and the same should go for her.

Tell her unfortunately this can’t continue as it just adds too much time onto your day and if she kicks off or makes things awkward well I guess she’s not a very good friend!.

wistfullyfocused · 28/04/2023 17:30

If someone said, would you like to spend 2 hours every evening undertaking a stressful task that stops you doing something you want to do (like sitting on the sofa reading shit on the internet), why would you agree? Ask her that if she can’t see your point. It’s not how you want to spend your time and that doesn’t make you a bad person!

WanderleyWagon · 28/04/2023 17:42

The poster who pointed out that it's not 'dropping off', it's taking her home, is quite right. YANBU at all.

I think this would be fine to say even to a close friend: you wish you were in a position to drop her off, but actually you live in the opposite direction (which of course she knows already but ignore that), and you realised on the night when it took you 2 hours to get home that it's not practical or sustainable. You're sorry, and you've been happy to help out for however many days/weeks you've helped out, but you can't continue.
Hope you get the message across to her!

rookiemere · 28/04/2023 17:52

Message her now "Good friend taking you home made my journey 2 hrs long because of traffic last night. It usually takes me an extra hour. I just can't do it any more unless it's a real emergency "

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 28/04/2023 17:52

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

Really sorry ut I need to be home for "insert person/event here" every single night

If is was 25 mins same way fair enough but 2 hours, fuck that

MontySass · 28/04/2023 18:10

Recently, I asked a colleague/ friend for a lift for my son ( for the days I work on a different site.) This was exactly en route, not out of her way at all. He also would have contributed to petrol. After initially agreeing to it, she backed out a few days later with a long winded excuse/ apology. I honestly think she was just being polite……..really she had slept on it and thought that being tied to pick up at the same time every day would be bloody inconvenient.
Back to you and your issue: just be truthful and factual. I knew that I was asking a favour ( a far smaller one than is being asked if you,) I knew it could be turned down and it was. If your friend/ colleague has issue with you having better things to do than sit in traffic for 2 hours, then she is, quite simply, a CF.

HeyThere111 · 28/04/2023 18:12

It's in the wrong direction, that's all you need to say.
If you feel you need to make an excuse say you have a gym class or something to get to at a set time.
Or start asking for petrol money, which she should be offering anyway if it's totally out of your way.

purplebunny2012 · 28/04/2023 18:16

I don't understand why you said yes in the first place!

Tessabelle74 · 28/04/2023 18:28

No way I'd do it. Happy to drop off if roughly on my way but I wouldn't go so far out of my way.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 28/04/2023 18:36

Sleepydaffodil · 27/04/2023 17:14

Grow a backbone and just say you don’t want to! You don’t need to give an excuse!
Honestly, I don’t know how people get through life being such people pleasers. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no to doing something that not only doesn’t benefit you but actually has a negative impact on you. I genuinely don’t understand why you’d not have said no the first time you were asked.

This.
You say shes a close friend, so surely she will understand.

MonkeyHarold · 28/04/2023 18:55

Bloody fucking hell! Cheeky cow. I love giving people lifts because I remember how grateful I was to receive them. That's too much though. Way, way too much.

Winnipeg23 · 28/04/2023 18:59

Just say no. It takes too long after a long day at work.
If she doesn't appreciate that then she's not your friend. Because it's not difficult to see how inappropriate that journey is.

Noodles1234 · 28/04/2023 19:00

Keep it simple
”sorry I can’t do it anymore it’s too far”.

that is ridiculous from her.

wistfullyfocused · 28/04/2023 19:01

The ludicrous thing is, she gets home and can cook dinner, relax, far earlier than you!

LuckyPeonies · 28/04/2023 19:12

She sounds entitled, it would never occur to me to expect this from a friend. Tell her last time took two hours, it is too far, and she needs to make other arrangements.

Panjandrum123 · 28/04/2023 19:28

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

@Cherryblossomgirly it doesn’t matter that you don’t have anything to rush back for. Your time is no less valuable than hers, whatever you choose to do with it.

Jeannie88 · 28/04/2023 19:37

While doing training and not having a car I was so lucky to have made an Iranian friend who picked me up and dropped me off every day for 3 months. I really didn't expect it and he wouldn't accept money so I bought him presents to thank him. Otherwise it would've taken me an hour and an half to get there for 8am and same back, I was so lucky. Since then I've passed on my luck to offer lifts to others, not an habitual daily thing but if needed and if I pass them at bus stop. Some people do it just be nice and don't think anything of it, others avoid and begrudge, largely due to the fact it's either offered and driver knows it's appreciated or it is an entitled attitude? X

stichguru · 28/04/2023 19:43

"I'm sorry but this journey is taking too long and is too far out of my way. I can't keep giving you lifts." I don't understand how she fails to realise she is taking the p*! I had an old manager who would occasionally offer me lifts home from work after late meetings or whatever and I'd feel bad even though she was quite happy to do it. In fact being widowed tragically and suddenly in her 50s, I think she quite enjoyed the company, but I'd always check she was ok with it.

PotatoLove · 28/04/2023 19:45

Your friend is definitely being a CF, tell them to make their own arrangements from next week as it's not working for you anymore. If she's a real friend she won't make a big deal out of it.

Buffs · 28/04/2023 19:45

Presumably this friend has some understanding of the inconvenience she’s causing. She knows where you live and that you are regularly driving out of your way? Does she acknowledge this? Does she reciprocate in any way? Even though you are good friends in many respects it is not okay for her to be exploiting your friendship in this way. Maybe time to reappraise and add some boundaries.

listsandbudgets · 28/04/2023 19:55

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/04/2023 17:49

I would tell her no more lifts. It's ridiculous. People like this need to either learn to drive or suffer public transport. Or, get a job closer to home.

Just picking this up to point out that not everyone has the option of driving even if they can already or would like to learn. For medical reasons, I am in that category. It hurts hard when people tell me to "get a car" or "learn to drive". Sometimes feel like saying "sure, that's absolutely fine I'll get on with it lets ignore the fact I might lose consciousness behind the wheel and kill someone and / or cause a pile up"

That said - OP she's a CF. A one off in an emergency or because you offer is one thing. Otherwise she can do what the rest of us who can't drive do - use public transport, take a taxi or walk. I wouldn't dream of asking friends to do this for me. There are days when it's pouring with rain and I've waited an hour for a bus that I wish things were different or someone would just offer but I'd not ask it not even of long standing friends. Usually I quite enjoy it - warm clothes, a good book, some time to myself, no worrying about parking or traffic or fuel because that's all someone else's job.

You need to say no this isn't working for me. She needs to get on with it and find joy in the journey if she can.

Kolakalia · 28/04/2023 19:55

I put YABU, because YABU to be spineless about this.

'Oh, sorry, that won't work for me!'

if she says anything else

'Not sure if you're into geography at all haha but it's the opposite direction from mine'

or

'I really need that alone time in the car on the way back to decompress'

or

'no, that doesn't work for me'

and then if she pushes it

'no, you're being kinda weird about this, please stop asking'

It's awkward already, only you're the one experiencing it. Return to sender.

CarmenBizet · 28/04/2023 19:56

listsandbudgets · 28/04/2023 19:55

Just picking this up to point out that not everyone has the option of driving even if they can already or would like to learn. For medical reasons, I am in that category. It hurts hard when people tell me to "get a car" or "learn to drive". Sometimes feel like saying "sure, that's absolutely fine I'll get on with it lets ignore the fact I might lose consciousness behind the wheel and kill someone and / or cause a pile up"

That said - OP she's a CF. A one off in an emergency or because you offer is one thing. Otherwise she can do what the rest of us who can't drive do - use public transport, take a taxi or walk. I wouldn't dream of asking friends to do this for me. There are days when it's pouring with rain and I've waited an hour for a bus that I wish things were different or someone would just offer but I'd not ask it not even of long standing friends. Usually I quite enjoy it - warm clothes, a good book, some time to myself, no worrying about parking or traffic or fuel because that's all someone else's job.

You need to say no this isn't working for me. She needs to get on with it and find joy in the journey if she can.

Show quote history

The person you replied to literally listed two other options other than 'learn to drive'. Read a bit more carefully before getting in a twist.

Ellyess · 28/04/2023 19:58

Cherryblossomgirly, I feel for you, especially as this is a friend. However I have found that people who do not drive often have no idea of the inconvenience extra journeys are, the pain of driving in heavy traffic, cost of petrol etc. I used to belong to Women's Group and slowly realised I was being used by a group of women to pick them up from their homes and drive them to the weekly meeting held in different Member's homes each week. I think they took for granted I would pick them up and then ferry them to their homes. In the Winter it was not pleasant. I was the one defrosting the car while they steamed it up inside gossiping. They even had the nerve to complain if the car had not warmed up. When there was ice and I drove slowly they complained. Eventually I stopped going to the group.

Another hell-of-a-cheek-person I experienced was a man who was studying on the same course as I who just announced he would need me to drive him home on my way home after the lectures. This meant driving south west for over an hour, then either coming back the same way and making my way home or making a detour home along unpleasant roads for well over an hour. My normal journey home should have been to drive south east for about 45 minutes along easy roads. The good road to drive on was a factor in why I chose to study at that college. I did drive him home twice, but then I told him he did not live on my route home and he became angry and rude and said because he was a Social Worker he knew best!

Cherryblossomgirly, I think I would just be honest and say I did not want to drive the extra xx miles [or for the extra 40 minutes] to your friend's house and back before going home after work. Tell her you are tired after work and want to get straight home. As she is a good friend she ought to understand that.

JenWillsiam · 28/04/2023 20:00

Hi - I am really sorry but I can’t drive you home from work anymore, it’s taken me in excess of an hour to get home, last night it took 2. Bloody traffic. Have a lovely weekend”.

It’s really not hard. If she’s a good friend she will get it. If she doesn’t she isn’t the friend you think. I suspect she’s not anyway.