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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
mustgetoffmn · 29/04/2023 12:45

TheKobayashiMaru · 27/04/2023 17:13

Does she offer to pay for petrol?

This sort of person would probably say the OP is already paying whilst on her own. It’s so odd that someone wouldn’t figure that they live in a different direction!

Original poster
Cherryblossomgirly · 30/04/2023 01:32

Thanks again for the replies. I eventually messaged her early evening on Facebook Messenger. I just told her that the journey time and the terrible traffic on Wednesday was giving me a headache and I wanted more down time on the evening and I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. It’s still on delivered (even though the there’s a green dot on her profile but what can you do) so I’ll just have to see what she puts.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 30/04/2023 03:26

If I were her I’d respond by saying ‘ok, I completely understand and thanks for lifts last week’
end of….
t here shouldn’t be any awkwardness because it’s not like you live on her route.

hugefanofcheese · 30/04/2023 06:15

Well done OP. Don't worry about what she says, anything but 'no worries, thanks for your help previously' is entitled and pushy.

dottiedodah · 30/04/2023 06:42

Good .now she will have to learn to drive!honestly the entitlement of some people is breathtaking.lifts rarely work out tbh.she is a massive cf. Like everyone who doesn't drive deserves a lift!jog on love

JenWillsiam · 30/04/2023 07:41

dottiedodah · 30/04/2023 06:42

Good .now she will have to learn to drive!honestly the entitlement of some people is breathtaking.lifts rarely work out tbh.she is a massive cf. Like everyone who doesn't drive deserves a lift!jog on love

How do you know it’s a choice not to drive?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/04/2023 07:48

From my experience those who can't drive due to medical reasons usually try not to impose on others. Those who can't drive because they're too lazy to learn take that lazy attitude with them when it comes to imposing on others.

Devoutspoken · 30/04/2023 07:48

Or buy a bike

JandalsAlways · 30/04/2023 08:28

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/04/2023 07:48

From my experience those who can't drive due to medical reasons usually try not to impose on others. Those who can't drive because they're too lazy to learn take that lazy attitude with them when it comes to imposing on others.

Agree. Even if it was a medical condition, you wouldn't impose yourself like this, at least offer some petrol money! I'd feel embarrassed someone was going 20 minutes out of their way to drop me home

helpplease01 · 30/04/2023 08:37

Honestly, I struggle to understand how it can be easier for you to consistently drive so far out your way, consistently, than to just say
'No, sorry, this is really inconvenient for me'
It's not your responsibility to organise/ rescue in this situation.

Strawberrydelight78 · 30/04/2023 10:33

Some can't drive because of health issues like epilepsy etc. So it's not a choice it would be irresponsible and unsafe. Or she just can't afford it on her salary.

Truestorypeeps · 30/04/2023 10:47

You messaged her early evening and by 1:30am she didn't even have the decency to reply? I doubt it wasn't seen. Rude CF indeed.

Truestorypeeps · 30/04/2023 10:48

Strawberrydelight78 · 30/04/2023 10:33

Some can't drive because of health issues like epilepsy etc. So it's not a choice it would be irresponsible and unsafe. Or she just can't afford it on her salary.

So she can get the fkn bus like everyone else?!

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2023 11:06

Some non drivers don’t seem to get how inconveniencing it is to a driver to have to go miles out of their way if they have a car and would be driving anyway.

BusyMum47 · 30/04/2023 11:18

Pinkdelight3 · 27/04/2023 17:21

This is nuts. You don't need an excuse. It's not on your way, so you're not 'dropping her off', you're doing a special journey with a load of extra aggro. Fuck that. Just say no, you need to get home and she needs to make her own way home.

This! ⬆️
No excuse needed. Her travel situation is not your responsibility!

JenWillsiam · 30/04/2023 14:10

Truestorypeeps · 30/04/2023 10:48

So she can get the fkn bus like everyone else?!

Show quote history

They can but the point is it isn’t a choice.

Elaina87 · 30/04/2023 23:04

Well done for messaging, what did she say? You can't be that close if you can't be honest with her without it getting awkward or worrying about her reaction. She is taking advantage so you shouldn't feel bad about putting your foot down and not letting her walk all over you. None of my friends would expect that kind of regular favour from me and if they did I would be telling them straight with the expectation they would say "ah so sorry, completely understand!"

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/04/2023 23:27

Or she just can't afford it on her salary.

Maybe, but it's odd if it hasn't ever occurred to her that OP also can't afford to pay it for her, as well as paying for her own travel costs.

If you can't afford something, you either save up/sell something/earn more, find a cheaper alternative or go without it. It isn't 'saving money' to just shunt your costs (double costs, in fact) on to somebody else who is in a similar position to you.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/04/2023 23:33

Some non drivers don’t seem to get how inconveniencing it is to a driver to have to go miles out of their way if they have a car and would be driving anyway.

True - some seem to think that, once you have a car available, you can get anywhere in 5 minutes for £1.

A bit like the people who live 30 minutes from the closest hospital and then complain that an ambulance can't get to them in 3 minutes; or the folk who genuinely believe that, if you have a shop, you get your stock completely free and so you can keep as much of it for yourself as you like, free of charge, and 100% of the retail price you sell anything for is pure profit!

MrsMikeDrop · 01/05/2023 02:31

Strawberrydelight78 · 30/04/2023 10:33

Some can't drive because of health issues like epilepsy etc. So it's not a choice it would be irresponsible and unsafe. Or she just can't afford it on her salary.

What?! And that's is OPs problem how? What a truly bizarre comment!

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2023 04:02

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2023 11:06

Some non drivers don’t seem to get how inconveniencing it is to a driver to have to go miles out of their way if they have a car and would be driving anyway.

Exactly. Op is out and about anyway and sitting in her car, big deal. Except it is a big deal. The extra hour and 45 mins of time wasting, concentration required and running / fuel costs for her car. It sounds as if she doesn’t even offer op the bus fare.

Peachslice · 01/05/2023 07:14

I have a similar predicament, a close friend I’ve known for many years doesn’t drive, by choice, “i don’t need to drive” . She lives down south but comes back up to the north a lot to see her parents and us friends. She gets paid more than me and her work is self managed as she works in academic research, whereas I have to drive a lot for my work.

Me and her have booked an overnight break and it’s in opposite direction of her parents house. A 15 minute drive each way for me to collect her, on top of me driving us to the hotel from mine, about an hour away.
I don’t think I should be expected to go pick her up and drop her off? It’s her choice not to learn to drive. And she often uses it as a reason not to meet people as it would require more effort and money on her part (this is the person who can quite happily travel across Africa) AIBU?

Anon1368 · 01/05/2023 07:20

Peachslice · 01/05/2023 07:14

I have a similar predicament, a close friend I’ve known for many years doesn’t drive, by choice, “i don’t need to drive” . She lives down south but comes back up to the north a lot to see her parents and us friends. She gets paid more than me and her work is self managed as she works in academic research, whereas I have to drive a lot for my work.

Me and her have booked an overnight break and it’s in opposite direction of her parents house. A 15 minute drive each way for me to collect her, on top of me driving us to the hotel from mine, about an hour away.
I don’t think I should be expected to go pick her up and drop her off? It’s her choice not to learn to drive. And she often uses it as a reason not to meet people as it would require more effort and money on her part (this is the person who can quite happily travel across Africa) AIBU?

So just say so if it's a problem for you.

AmytheDancingBrick · 01/05/2023 08:43

@Peachslice to be honest a 30 mins extra drive for a one off trip with a good friend has a very different feel to the OP.

I would never get talked in to the OPs situation, but I’d be more than happy to pick up a friend in your situation, although it might be nice for her to offer to contribute to petrol.

Peachslice · 01/05/2023 09:05

I think I have an added complication that my Friend has been very cool with me the last year, always saying no to suggestions of meeting up, last year when a group of us went on holiday, her and another friend’s taxi would have passed my house on way to airport, but they never offered, and just sent a message for me to find them in the check in queue. But I’m not losing sleep over it.