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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 27/04/2023 17:26

Just say it took you an extra 2 hours and god knows how much that cost in petrol so you can’t do that again

MusicansMum · 27/04/2023 17:27

Tell her she can have a lift home to your house and make her way from there. "But it's nowhere near my house!" Job done.

Anon1368 · 27/04/2023 17:27

Just say sorry it's not convenient any more. I would think she'd appreciate honesty rather than resentment behind her back.

InSpainTheRain · 27/04/2023 17:27

Just say no - that's ridiculous to take that amount of your time on her journey! "No, I can't do that anymore. It took me 2 hours last time so so more!"

RebeccasConfidence · 27/04/2023 17:29

Fuck no. Say it takes you 1-2hoirs instead of 20mins and it’s longer than her original commute!

LadyVictoriaSponge · 27/04/2023 17:31

Sleepydaffodil · 27/04/2023 17:14

Grow a backbone and just say you don’t want to! You don’t need to give an excuse!
Honestly, I don’t know how people get through life being such people pleasers. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no to doing something that not only doesn’t benefit you but actually has a negative impact on you. I genuinely don’t understand why you’d not have said no the first time you were asked.

You have said everything I wanted to say! I honestly don’t get how someone, when asked for a lift can’t just say no as it makes their journey 2 hours rather than 20 minutes, I just don’t understand the angst.

ChickenDhansak82 · 27/04/2023 17:31

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

She can't be that much of a friend if you cannot be honest with her!

Just tell her it's taking you forever to get home due to the traffic, it's in the wrong direction, and it's costing you a lot extra in petrol.

CarrotCake01 · 27/04/2023 17:31

Once or twice is fair enough but that sounds unreasonable of your friend. That's pretty far out of your way and I wouldn't want to do that either.

If you're happy to do it every so often or if she paid a petrol contribution or something that would make it feel okay for you then fair enough but I'd say its absolutely fine for you to say it no longer works for you because it just adds too much to your drive!

RichardHeed · 27/04/2023 17:31

If she’s such a good friend, and has been in your life for 11 years with no issues, then a simple “I’m sorry, but it’s too far out of my way, it took me 2 hours to get home last time when it normally takes 15 mins”. If she’s not a complete user and a decent person she will understand. IF you’re feeling generous, offer lifts occasionally, but only IF you want to. Yes it’s nice to be nice, but there’s being nice and then being a complete mug.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/04/2023 17:32

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

It doesn't matter that you don't have anything to rush back for, that's still some of your evening being taken up. I would just say it doesn't work for you, she'll have to get public transport or learn to drive.

GreenWheat · 27/04/2023 17:33

I realise this is too late for this instance, but the moment I know someone is asking me to drive them in the opposite direction for a regular arrangement, I have developed a default setting whereby I say "Ah, shame, that's the opposite direction for me, otherwise I'd have been happy to". It nips any awkwardness in the bud. Driving in the opposite direction is always a recipe for resentment.

BHRK · 27/04/2023 17:33

no decent friend would ask you to do this. If shes no longer your friend after this you know you were being used!
Just say it’s taking too long and you don’t actually live near me. Then stick to it

ApolloandDaphne · 27/04/2023 17:33

It's maybe cheaper for her but it isn't for you. It's costing you in time and petrol money.

ReviewingTheSituation · 27/04/2023 17:34

You don't need a reason, or an excuse though. It's your time, to do with as you see fit. You just need to say the arrangement doesn't work for you (you don't need a 'sorry' - you've got nothing to apologise for).

Someone I work with gets the train to work, and needs the bus to get to the station. She is forever angling for a lift to the train station to avoid getting the bus, but it's the opposite direction from the way we all drive. It would add probably 15-20 mins to whoever's journey it was. Some people do oblige and drop her off, but I'm not getting into all that. I want to go home, not inconvenience myself for 20 mins so that she gets home 20 mins sooner.

hugefanofcheese · 27/04/2023 17:35

You don't need an excuse. Your genuine and understandable reason is that your journey time is approximately tripled on a good run, and increased 6- fold on a bad one. She may not actually realise that so just let her know that's why unfortunately you can't offer regular lifts. If it was an emergency or one off that would be different but it isn't, she's asking regularly. Shame the buses are unreliable but you're not the solution.

Obv not for you to find a solution but maybe she could send a car sharing request around colleagues to see if someone actually going her way would drop her off for petrol money to the value of her bus fare.

Rainbowshine · 27/04/2023 17:37

“No I need to get home at a decent time and it took 2 hours to get home last time. You might want to see if a local taxi company can give you a discount if you use them daily.”

seven201 · 27/04/2023 17:40

"Sorry, I can't keep giving lifts. It adds on at least 40 mins to my day, costs me petrol, wear and tear on my car and the other day because of the traffic it took me 2 hours to get home, instead of 20. I hope the bus service improves."

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2023 17:43

So she wants you to take her home because it's quicker than the bus, but it makes your journey nearly four times longer.

Sorry but she's strayed from friend into CF. Tell her that it is too.long a trip to facilitate her getting home earlier when it makes you so much later. If she is really a friend she will be fine about it. If she's gone too far over to the dark side she's not a friend anymore.

KarmaStar · 27/04/2023 17:43

She's a c.f. And so hard faced and selfish I would not want her as a ' friend' ..I use the term very lightly as no real friend would expect this.

curious79 · 27/04/2023 17:44

I don't think you need an excuse. You just state the facts - it took nearly two hours and it's untenable. Be brave

martinisforeveryone · 27/04/2023 17:44

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

You don't have to say you need to rush home. After work you have to cook and eat, clear up. You have to spend time out of your day on personal care, laundry, life admin etc. and that's before anything else. I'm presuming you don't have a housekeeper and PA to do all the things you need to do in private time.

You don't have to justify your time management to anyone and if she really is a friend then she wouldn't be asking for you to go so far out of your way, particularly every or nearly every day, or after a day's work. 'Dropping her off' would be fine if it's no skin off your nose, you like her and she's appreciative rather than expectant. It sounds like she's getting herself a rota of chauffeurs so her route home costs her nothing at all.

You need to be as assertive as your friend is in her request to you.

Unicorntastic · 27/04/2023 17:47

Just say it in a casual, no drama way - “ it’s a shame you live in the opposite direction, you’ll have to find out who lives your way” then talk about something else.

2bazookas · 27/04/2023 17:48

You don't have to make an excuse. Just tell the facts, which probably never even crossed her selfish entitled mind

"I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!)"

If she thinks your lifts are "free", suggest she takes a taxi and tells the driver not to charge.

Namethischange · 27/04/2023 17:49

Don't make an excuse for goodness sake. Just be honest - I won't be able to carry on giving you lifts after work, it's too far and it takes me an hour to get home instead of 20 minutes as it usually does.

That's it. If she protests just repeat - No, I'm sorry that you don't want to catch the bus but I won't be able to give you any more lifts. No, that won't work for me, I won't be able to give you any more lifts...

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/04/2023 17:49

I would tell her no more lifts. It's ridiculous. People like this need to either learn to drive or suffer public transport. Or, get a job closer to home.