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Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
Scousefab · 27/04/2023 20:16

you can’t keep doing a 2hr commute not to upset someone. Maybe speak to her an encourage her to take driving lessons eg a crash course. My friend had a similar issue with buses and now self sufficient. I would maybe take her for a drink or speak to on her own explain you feel awkward you would like to do it but it’s impacting you too much. If she’s a good friend she will understand if not I would say bye bye as she’s clearly not thinking about how you feel.

Irridescantshimmmer · 27/04/2023 20:23

Just think of the extra money you would save on fuel too.

As well as time.

Just tell her you have other commitments after work ( the cheeky mare does not need an explanation.... after and you can no longer pick her up or drop her off.

She's a cheeky so and so for asking you for lifts anyway.

Mary46 · 27/04/2023 20:25

Op say it soon or it continues. The commute is much longer now for me. Hard when these things start..

Aslanplustwo · 27/04/2023 20:29

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

Not rushing back for anything has nothing to do with it. You are going well out of your way for her, and it's not necessary - she can take the bus! I don't drive, and I would NEVER ask anyone to do this for me. She wants you to drop her off because it is free (not for you) and a shorter journey time - once again, not for you, and you need to tell her this. If it's awkward, so be it - the friendship will sour anyway if this continues.

Allosaur · 27/04/2023 20:44

If you have kids, you could say one of them has a hobby class at a certain time or babysitter, whatever and you need to be back for that time and you're really sorry but you can't drive her back anymore as you'll be late for your kid(s)

midsomermurderess · 27/04/2023 20:48

The problem with making excuses is she'll know you're lying and that will be most awkward of all. All this mealy-mouthed excuses, sit her down and talk to her about driving lessons, charge her taxi rates is ridiculous and missing the point entirely. It is about asserting yourself and leaning to say no. An invaluable life lesson.

BlueMongoose · 27/04/2023 21:01

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/04/2023 17:24

The word drop off implies her home is en route to yours. What she's actually asking is: will you take me home.

Exactly. 'dropping off' is when you're driving past the end of someone's road and barely need to detour, if at all. Even that's an imposition if it's too regular and not reciprocated.
I'd have done it - in an emergency. I have done much longer journeys to transport friends when a friend needed it. She just wants it. And on a regular basis. Well boohoo. Even if she was paying for the fuel she isn't paying you for your time. She is being selfish with bells on.
I suggest:
Please don't 'complain', either of you I would just say very plainly that you are not doing it any more because it takes too long and is too far out of your way.* The End. *You don't need to find any more reasons than that, and you need to be absolute - don't say you will do it but not as often, or you're finding it a bit difficult, or any of the soft stuff, if you do, you'll be doing it for ever. You're just 'not doing it any more', -start with that phrase. You have decided, and that's it. Qualify it with your reasons if you absolutely must, but keep even them simple and short, leave no wriggle room, and don't take any arguments. Be firm.
Any 'awkwardness' after that is 100% her fault, so ignore it. Either that, or resolve to be her unpaid chauffeur and doormat. That's the choice.

NumberTheory · 27/04/2023 21:05

Don't make excuses, OP.

A friend of 11 years who you can't say "[Friend], no. It takes me an hour instead of 15 minutes. Last time it was 2 hours. I'm not doing that unless it's a special case." to, is not a friend you want to keep.

carly2803 · 27/04/2023 21:10

jesus shes taking advantage of you!!

say no! friend or not (a friend would not do this to you anyhow!) I would not put myself out like that

itsgettingweird · 27/04/2023 21:15

I'd start having places you need to be.

For example you have an online delivery. Joined a gym and have a class booked. Meeting someone.

Between that just say you can't tonight and mean it. As you don't need to provide a reason.

Hopefully she'll get fed up of asking when the answer is always "no".

itsgettingweird · 27/04/2023 21:16

And agree with others. A friend of 11 years should not want you to take 1-2 hours to get home because it's more convenient for them.

Seriously - fuck that for a laugh.

And I'm someone who's happy to give a lift if it's convenient.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 27/04/2023 21:18

I would just say 'I'm sorry friend, but going out of my way to take you home, rather than you catching the bus, is costing me a fortune in both time and petrol, so I won't be able to do it anymore'. If she says 'well I'll pay you for your petrol', just answer, 'by the time we've finished work, I just want to get home and relax, so I'm sorry but you'll have to take the bus from now on'. Surely it can't be that hard to tell her if she's such a 'close friend', can it?

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2023 21:19

Just say no

It's not a shorter time for you

It's on wrong f direction and makes you journey home long

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/04/2023 21:19

What...???? She is incredibly cheeky to ask - presumably she knows where you live? I can't believe she would even think of that as an option - and I'm amazed you said yes!

Just say you're sorry but you're finding it is adding up to 2 hours to your journey so she'll have to go back to using the bus. You won't be doing it again, ever. Not negotiable.

Roseyleaf · 27/04/2023 21:23

I bet she wouldn't do the same for you.
Just say it's too much for you.
Give her the number for a taxi company.

squidgybits · 27/04/2023 21:43

Tell her you are not going that way
A friend of eleven years I would feel comfortable enough to say " are you having a laugh"?

Nip it in the bud, does not sound like a friend. Is she a "freeloader" in other ways?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 27/04/2023 21:49

I would offer 2 drop her as far as the bus stop....if the weather was really shit and I had no other plans for the evening I might offer 2 drop her all the way home!!

Qbish · 27/04/2023 21:56

Yeah, fuck that.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 27/04/2023 21:57

Bloody hell. If she's your friend surely you can just tell her that it doesn't work for you. Say that its turning a 20 min drive into an hour and that she'll have to find alternative arrangements.

If she kicks up a fuss then she's not really that much of a friend is she?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2023 22:21

I bet she wouldn't do the same for you.

If you want to hammer the point home, or to get her to declare it unworkable herself, just ask her for daily favours that take her between 40 and 90 minutes each day.

When she laughs and tells you to jog on, tell her you're so glad that she understands the difference between the odd favour and a time-consuming, costly burden - so it obviously makes much more sense for you to do X yourself and then she gets herself home.

Anjo2011 · 27/04/2023 22:24

She’s got a fucking cheek. You can never feel bad saying no to someone that has that much front.

midsomermurderess · 27/04/2023 22:29

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2023 22:21

I bet she wouldn't do the same for you.

If you want to hammer the point home, or to get her to declare it unworkable herself, just ask her for daily favours that take her between 40 and 90 minutes each day.

When she laughs and tells you to jog on, tell her you're so glad that she understands the difference between the odd favour and a time-consuming, costly burden - so it obviously makes much more sense for you to do X yourself and then she gets herself home.

Or skip the tiresome, rather juvenile, passive aggression, the go-to of so many women it seems, communicate openly like an adult and say no. Someone put it perfectly upthread ‘mate, it took me over two hours to get home last time, I can’t do it anymore’. Done.

FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 22:29

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 19:28

I am so glad my friends are straightforward people who understand that true friends speak ... (SHOCKER!) the truth. I'd be devastated if they fobbed me off with feeble lies like you are suggesting.

No confrontation necessary, it's not difficult, & no conversation needs to be had.
"Mate - it took me 2 hours to get home last night, I can't keep doing it."

Finis.

Show quote history

But this woman clearly isn’t really a friend is she? It’s an awkward situation for the OP & there has to be some empathy for those who find these convos more challenging.

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 22:39

Allosaur · 27/04/2023 20:44

If you have kids, you could say one of them has a hobby class at a certain time or babysitter, whatever and you need to be back for that time and you're really sorry but you can't drive her back anymore as you'll be late for your kid(s)

Hmm Yet another post from a PP advocating lying to a "good friend".

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 22:53

FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 22:29

But this woman clearly isn’t really a friend is she? It’s an awkward situation for the OP & there has to be some empathy for those who find these convos more challenging.

Show quote history

OP believes this woman to be a "good friend". You & I may disagree, but we're not going to change her mind about that on the strength of a few posts.

I have empathy for people who have trouble with assertion - it's a learned skill, & one the women & girls in particular are actively discouraged from by myriad social conditioning. Which is why I have given helpful advice, instead of urging her to lie her way out of it.

Telling this woman the unvarnished, simple truth, is the most effective & reasonable solution. No friend would expect you to go out of your way for up to 2 hours after work twice a week. If telling the woman so becomes awkward - the woman is not a friend. That's up to OP to find out, not for PP to dictate to OP.

Not wanting to regularly spend 2 hours getting home when you could be there in 20 minutes if solo is not an awkward thing to convey. Only habit makes it seem so. OP will gain more than her time & fuel money back when she Just Says No - she'll learn that it's not scary or outrageous to calmly assert your boundaries. Quite the reverse - the more you do it, the easier it becomes, & the more your boundaries get respected. It's a virtuous circle.

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