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Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 22:53

midsomermurderess · 27/04/2023 20:48

The problem with making excuses is she'll know you're lying and that will be most awkward of all. All this mealy-mouthed excuses, sit her down and talk to her about driving lessons, charge her taxi rates is ridiculous and missing the point entirely. It is about asserting yourself and leaning to say no. An invaluable life lesson.

👏👏👏

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2023 23:02

Or skip the tiresome, rather juvenile, passive aggression, the go-to of so many women it seems, communicate openly like an adult and say no. Someone put it perfectly upthread ‘mate, it took me over two hours to get home last time, I can’t do it anymore’. Done.

Yes, I agree completely that that is by far the best way. I'm just suggesting a Plan B in case OP is too timid to come out with it and/or if the 'friend' is dismissive of the burden that she is putting on OP and OP can't bring herself to say "Tough, that's the way it is, chancer".

Allosaur · 28/04/2023 01:54

@SmallFerret OP asked for excuses, I don't know their circumstances with this person. Get a life and stop policing other people's comments you absolute sad case.

Allosaur · 28/04/2023 02:06

OP, don't listen to the chronically-online user telling you that you have "issues" and making bizarre judgments about your relationship with this person based on a single paragraph al over this thread! Of course, telling the truth is always the best long-term option but not always feasible, depending on the relationship, especially if they are a work colleague. Pretending it's cut-and-dry is not helpful. Let us know what you ended up doing.

SmallFerret · 28/04/2023 02:12

Allosaur · 28/04/2023 01:54

@SmallFerret OP asked for excuses, I don't know their circumstances with this person. Get a life and stop policing other people's comments you absolute sad case.

Writes the person policing my comments ...

Allosaur · 28/04/2023 02:25

SmallFerret · 28/04/2023 02:12

Writes the person policing my comments ...

Show quote history

Responding to your quote tweet is not policing you or your creepy amount of comments on this thread, incl disparaging OP based on a single paragraph and implying she has "issues" - get over yourself.

SmallFerret · 28/04/2023 02:29

Allosaur · 28/04/2023 02:25

Responding to your quote tweet is not policing you or your creepy amount of comments on this thread, incl disparaging OP based on a single paragraph and implying she has "issues" - get over yourself.

Show quote history

You're telling me how to post, then posting again just to say you're not telling me how to post? 😂

I haven't counted how many times you've posted, you can't have been interesting enough to warrant notice. But you seem to have counted mine - how ... creepy.

Murdoch1949 · 28/04/2023 05:02

Definitely put a stop to this. I hated giving a lift to a colleague that was on my route, simply because my car time was my only quiet ME time. I did give him the lift, but didn't go out of my way. You are being used as a free Uber! She's not even being polite and insisting on paying your expenses.

Mothership4two · 28/04/2023 05:32

"No it's out of my way"

If she pushes it mention the 2 hours.

She shouldn't have asked in the first place and you should have said no

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/04/2023 05:34

Would her bus trip take 2 hours? If not why should you put yourself out MORE than she would?

Point out to her that due to traffic that it can take up to 2 hours so unless there's a really good reason (broken leg, torrential storm) you won't be doing it anymore as it's too exhausting.

amusedbush · 28/04/2023 11:04

The buses have "become unreliable"? Have they actually become unreliable? What specifically has changed?

I'm willing to bet the buses are as reliable as they've always been and this CF just wants a "free" lift. I can't imagine having the brass balls to ask someone for a lift knowing they live in the opposite direction. Unless it was a one-off for a genuine emergency and I couldn't get a taxi, I wouldn't dream of it.

I can't tell if CFs lack the self-awareness to see how much of an imposition they are, or if they see it but just don't care as long as they get what they want.

ejbaxa · 28/04/2023 11:11

I’m wondering if she is really your friend. A friend wouldn’t burn up your time and take the piss like this. You do really need to say no, it has become a mega detour in the wrong direction turning your 20 min commute into 1-2 hours. Say you end up getting home with a headache after it.

danblack87 · 28/04/2023 11:44

IMO a few times to help out is great but clearly you don't need to do it all the time and you don't need to feel sorry at all. No excuses need just 'I am sorry I can't help out all the time ... I have things to do at home ... the journey is too out of my way'. She will understand and find someone else or continue to take the bus. Simple.

TeapotElephant · 28/04/2023 15:19

I did this for years. It made me very resentful, it got to the point where I couldn’t stand them being in the car because I loved the commute, it was my time to unwind and be silent rather than force conversation.

If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You need to be firm and say you’re sorry but you can’t do it anymore, you don’t have the time to add 40 minutes on to your journey. Stick to your guns and don’t apologise.

billy1966 · 28/04/2023 15:29

Honestly OP, she's no friend to imposeike that.
Just another CF.

I have dear friends of 40 years standing and I couldn't fathom inconveniencing myself like that for them, or them me.

Your time is of no value to her.

You are utterly being used and made a fool of.

Plenty of perfect answers to give her.

Can't afford the time or fuel this is taking. End of.

Should she be odd with you, only further proof what a user she is.

Users ultimately add NOTHING to one's life.

TheseThree · 28/04/2023 16:35

“This is not a sustainable arrangement for me. It’s tripling my drive time and I can’t keep doing that. You’ll need to sort out a different travel arrangement.”

If you’re really feeling helpful, perhaps offer that you can help her search for a different ride if she needs.

You don’t need to be sorry for this or feel unreasonable. As a PP said - this isn’t really free. It’s only free for her. She wants a ride for her own shorter journey time by tripling yours. Your time isn’t free, never mind petrol.

CraftyIrishMamma · 28/04/2023 16:38

You say she’s your friend but it’s pretty obvious that she’s not and that she’s a cheeky fucker because:

  1. she knows it’s taking you much longer to get home and she DOESN’T CARE,
  2. she’s not offered to pay you for the petrol it’s costing plus money towards wear and tear on your car and to compensate you for the inconvenience.

You need to tell her that it’s no longer working for you and she’ll have to find an alternative solution.

You also need to work on your self esteem and know that offering friendship is something to be treasured, not taken for granted.

coconutpie · 28/04/2023 16:39

"Hey friend, just to let you know I won't be able to ferry you to / from work any longer. The traffic is awful and the other day my commute turned from 20 minutes to 2 hours because I dropped you home. I'm sure you'll understand why I can no longer do it."

That's all you need to say! Job done.

forrestgreen · 28/04/2023 16:40

'Hi f, I hope your bus tonight was good. I'm sorry but I won't be able to give you a lift home again. I was exhausted after all the driving as it doubled my normal commute. See you Monday x'

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 28/04/2023 16:47

amusedbush · 28/04/2023 11:04

The buses have "become unreliable"? Have they actually become unreliable? What specifically has changed?

I'm willing to bet the buses are as reliable as they've always been and this CF just wants a "free" lift. I can't imagine having the brass balls to ask someone for a lift knowing they live in the opposite direction. Unless it was a one-off for a genuine emergency and I couldn't get a taxi, I wouldn't dream of it.

I can't tell if CFs lack the self-awareness to see how much of an imposition they are, or if they see it but just don't care as long as they get what they want.

I became the Cheeky Fucker for a while, and it was down to a lack of awareness.

I used to have about a half hour walk. Every so often it would be pissing down and this one person would offer me a lift. It wasn't out of his way particularly, he just had to drop me at a bus stop along the main road that was on his route.

I graciously accepted, and then every so often when it was raining, I'd ask. And then when it was drizzling, and then just because it was January and I didn't fancy the walk in the freezing cold. I also quite enjoyed the company chat, and thought he did too.

Anyway, it got resolved one day towards the end of January with the following:
"Can I get a lift"
"No you lazy twat, get your own car"
"Fair enough"

Because we are both men, and so therefore don't give a shit about hurting each others feelings. It has it's downsides, but it does tend to resolve small issues like this quickly and simply.

I never asked for a lift again, and he never offered. I did however sometimes look back and curse my cheeky fuckery while walking home dripping wet.

skyeisthelimit · 28/04/2023 17:05

I would definitely go with the 2 hour thing and just tell her that you can't give a lift again as it is just not working for you. Don't tell lies, don't mention money, just the simple truth, it's not working for you any more, it's causing too much inconvenience, getting home too late and so on and so on.

Mumma212 · 28/04/2023 17:07

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:59

OK thanks for the replies I’ll have to nip it in the bud soon and to whoever asked how often it is it’s usually Mondays and Wednesdays. I don’t work Thu/Fri so might put something over the weekend as I would rather do that than face to face.

She’s a close friend of 11 years but you’re not able to tell her to her face that she needs to stop taking you for a mug!?
What sort of friendship is this?
As PP have said you need to grow a backbone.

Whichnumbers · 28/04/2023 17:08

its hardly a friend that wants to turn your 20 minute journey into an extra 40 minutes to take her home.

Text

It was taking me 20 minutes to get to work but now its a regular hour drive. After the other night it taking me 2 hours to commute home via your place, Im not going to be giving you a lift any further - you're going to have to sort out your own commute to and fro work. I know you'll understand, see you at work x day

Iamblossom · 28/04/2023 17:14

It's ridiculous.

Be braver.

Viviennemary · 28/04/2023 17:22

She is incredibly cheeky when her house is in the opposite direction. Say you need to call on an elderly relative so won't be doing it any more. Or say you are getting too behind with making the tea because of the time it's taking.

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