To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

[Cherryblossomgirly]

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

Definitely use the two hour journey. Oh my days, I was really glad to help you out with a lift home a few times, and it was lovely to have a natter, but after last week I am definitely not going to be able to do that again, so sorry, it took me 2 hours, I was exhausted. Hope the buses are running better for you now, speak soon x

She's not worried about awkwardness! She's a bloody CF!

Definitely not unreasonable. I wouldn’t mind if it was on my way home or I only had to detour slightly, but every day the wrong direction? No chance, not unless it was an emergency or the buses were cancelled or something.

That's no friend op. She's a user.

I think you’ve not helped the situation by agreeing to this arrangement in the first place. It isn’t unreasonable (cheeky perhaps) for someone to ask as you could easily have just said no. Simply explaining that you got home really late yesterday and that it adds at least 40 minutes onto your journey should spell it out pretty plainly. She may be a bit miffed if this has turned into a regular thing that she has come to rely upon, but her lack of driving/bus issues are her issues not yours.

I went through a phase of working late and my work mate insisted on driving me home miles in the opposite direction. The third time I gave her some money because I am not a cf. Your friend is expecting free transport and disrespecting your time. You do not need a reason or excuse. You need a backbone and a better friend.

So what does she do on the other days?

A few years ago when I was learning to drive I was offered a lift by someone at work (early start and would’ve meant I couldn’t get there on time otherwise as it was 2 buses), it was only for a year though (failed my test twice!) and then the job ended. I got a bus part way to her house and she dropped me home but didn’t have to. In another job, I could’ve driven but there were certain allocated parking spaces and mine wasn’t one. Sometimes someone who lived in the next street along gave me a lift (she offered once we became friends) but I never asked for a lift home and she said she liked the company! When she broke her foot I used her parking space and drove her to work. Otherwise I got the train. I offered both times to pay petrol costs and both women refused so I got them a lovely gift if I left first or at Christmas/birthday.

This woman thought she may be a friend of a long time, could learn to drive, cycle or get another job. Not your fault buses are infrequent. You don’t need to make excuses just say it’s not working for you anymore.

I wouldn’t do that! That’s way more awkward, next time you’re at work and she asks just say no sorry it made my 15 minute journey home 2 hours the other day because of traffic.

A friend might call upon one for an emergency lift but a regular commute, for “free” out of their way just no, that is very cheeky fucker not friend territory.

You need to be blunt: you can't afford the time or money or wear and tear on your car it costs to take her home, end of.

No, just tell her it doesn't work for you because it's too far out of your way and a journey which should take you 20 mins took 2 hours.
No excuses. Nothing.
Cheeky fucker.

Absolutely not, an odd occasion yes, but she’s being extremely cheeky even asking knowing someone’s going so far in the other direction. Very selfish

PMSL the actual cheeky fuckery of many non-drivers never ceases to amaze me. Of course, the non-drivers who claim they never EVER ask anyone to give them a lift, always pop up on these threads. In reality, I have never met a non-driver who never asks for lifts.

They're always all smug and cocky about how they don't need a car, they are 'saving the environment,' and they are happy to walk, or bus-it everywhere, but when push comes to shove, they NEED a car sometimes, as public transport is so so SO unreliable, and there are places you cannot get to and from without a car!

I have seen non-driving people on these threads saying 'hahaha I love it when a driver has a meltdown when their car is on the blink and they are stranded!!!' Such a stupid way to think.

For a start, there's nothing funny about people being stranded, as some people who have a car live quite a distance from work and shops, so are unable to get anywhere without it. And also, the chance of your CAR letting you down is much much lower than public transport letting you down. I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times a car has let me down in my lifetime (almost 50 years.) When I couldn't drive (I passed in my mid 20s,) I was let down by public transport dozens of times in the first 25 years of my life!

@Cherryblossomgirly Easy to say, but just start saying no! She won't like it, and will probably start being huffy and sniffy with you. Some people are like that; take it as a personal insult when you DARE to withdraw favours they think they should be entitled to.

I know someone right now (this is not driving related,) who has done favours for 2 colleagues 3 times ... (There are 2 colleagues, and one had one favour, and one had two favours.) A 3rd colleague asked them for a similar favour. (A few weeks ago...) This person said 'no, sorry I feel I have done enough now...' All 3 colleagues are now being funny, and are shunning this person, and snubbing them at break times etc. Vile VILE behaviour. 'Better off without them' I said. Awful atmosphere, and luckily this person is moving to a different department and location in June. (a mile away...)

Some folk are entitled wankers, like just how DARE you not sing to my tune, and ask 'how high?' when I say 'JUMP.'

You don’t need an excuse. Just tell her the truth. It takes to much time. I would also mention fuel costs as it doesn’t sound like she is contributing.

The bus is probably unreliable as it gets stuck in the same traffic that you got stuck in!
I'm all for doing favours for friends but this arrangement really doesn't work so it would be a no from me.

Absolutely this, today, strike while the iron of last night's disaster is hot.

Why do people feel so entitled? Has it always been thus or in the olden days was everyone going without so it wasn't an issue?

Do not say ‘Are you ok to get the bus for a bit?’ What do you do when she says, ‘no, I’m not’? Don’t make excuses, tell her you’re not doing it anymore. The liberation you will feel will be marvellous. Use it to build some assertiveness. Living life the way you do must be exhausting! She must think you’re a mug. You must think you’re a mug.

As a strictly one off, my car is going in to the garage and I am stuck for two days please can you help - ok. Anything else just no.

That's when most drivers just accept that it's going to take a lot longer for two days and get the bus or a taxi.

Is she quite 'simple'? Some non-drivers genuinely do think that a car is instantly more convenient and extremely quick for everybody involved - as though nobody has to actually drive it and it doesn't have to use the busy roads - without appreciating that it is not a magic transport bullet.

Either way, this is very clearly not just asking for a favour, but expecting a significant free service from you. It's no different from you asking if she could 'just' clean your bathroom each evening or 'just' make you an evening meal each night - all at her own expense, of course.

What do you get out of this deal and this relationship?

Petrol is far too expensive, plus time at end of the day. Is her time more valuable than your?!.

I do the same , and it’s worse as it’s family extra 25 mins am and 25 mins pm so 50 mins per day . No petrol money either . It’s a pain .

Do not say ‘Are you ok to get the bus for a bit?’ What do you do when she says, ‘no, I’m not’?

100% this. Make it clear that it's a free (to her) service (but one that costs you personally a lot) that will no longer be available. Don't make it sound like you are the unreasonable one for no longer massively putting yourself out!

Even if the buses are unreliable to the point of not coming at all, or the route is cancelled, you are not her mum; it is her problem to find a workaround for her problem.

Think about all the challenges that you had yourself in managing without a car - the challenges that you resolved by learning to drive, buying a car and paying a lot on an ongoing basis to run it.

Say No.

Tell her she should consider getting a car and learning to drive.