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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
ShowUs · 27/04/2023 18:08

If you don’t want to be honest then can you say you are starting a new class in your area and won’t have time to drop her off anymore.

Grumpypotamus · 27/04/2023 18:08

Sleepydaffodil · 27/04/2023 17:14

Grow a backbone and just say you don’t want to! You don’t need to give an excuse!
Honestly, I don’t know how people get through life being such people pleasers. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say no to doing something that not only doesn’t benefit you but actually has a negative impact on you. I genuinely don’t understand why you’d not have said no the first time you were asked.

This. Stop going through life being a door mat.

GG1986 · 27/04/2023 18:09

Tell her she may be saving money by getting a lift from you, but that its now costing you more in petrol and its out of your way. Don't get sucked in as she will start assuming it is fine and the longer it goes on the harder it gets to say no!

Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2023 18:10

Say ‘OMG the traffic last night was insane, it took me two hours to get back from yours. Usually I can get home in 20 mins. I was absolutely knackered by the time I got in. Are you ok to get the bus for a bit? Coz last night was a bit ridiculous and I can’t face that again.

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/04/2023 18:10

You just need to tell her, sorry no it adds too much time to my journey. No drama.

soupey1 · 27/04/2023 18:10

As a strictly one off, my car is going in to the garage and I am stuck for two days please can you help - ok. Anything else just no.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/04/2023 18:12

So instead of a 20 min journey home for you it's now CF who gets to be home then?! .Put a stop to this nonsense ASAP.

Sendingmetosleep · 27/04/2023 18:12

Yabu for giving a lift more than once. It is cheeky it's free for her but costing you more not only in time but also fuel. Tbh its not even a hard one purely for the reason its out of the way. Yes in an emergency but daily no way.

Ladybug14 · 27/04/2023 18:13

Shes not a friend if she's asking you to put yourself out in such a way

Don't worry about saying no as the friendship isn't worth saving

Strawberrydelight78 · 27/04/2023 18:15

Just tell her it's adding time to your journey. Could you drop her off at a bus stop as a compromise?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/04/2023 18:16

‘Sorry, but it takes so much longer than my usual drive home.’

Frankly this is the sort of thing I’d probably do once in an emergency, but on a regular basis, absolutely no way.

Knittedfairies · 27/04/2023 18:18

The 2 hour delay in getting home for her convenience is all the reason you need to knock this on the head! You need to have the conversation sooner rather than later.

3luckystars · 27/04/2023 18:18

Yes, maybe offer to drop her off at a bus stop. If she asks just say ‘I have something on’ and don’t say anything else.

She won’t be long moving on to someone else. I know how you feel, it’s so awkward but it is her that is causing the awkwardness. All the best.

Deathmetal · 27/04/2023 18:19

Can you get one of your friends/family/parter to send you a SOS text whilst you’re at work? Then you feign you can’t drop her off because X is having an nightmare and needs you

IrregularChoiceFan · 27/04/2023 18:20

So your commute is 15 minutes, you are driving 40 minutes out of your way and she thinks that's free? Shove that for a lark!

On the off chance OP, do you live near Hemel? I'd love to grab a lift and save on the bloody ridiculous petrol costs! 😉

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 18:21

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

I can't fathom this mentality.

Close friends are the people who can say no to each other, Who challenge each other. Who call out each other's bullshit.

You call her a close friend, but you can't even tell her that an extra 40 -100 minute journey is too big an ask?

Why do you feel it would be awkward to do so?
You either have boundary/self-esteem issues or this woman is not the friend to you that you believe she is.

Buy yourself a present & start being frank with your friend - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 18:23

Deathmetal · 27/04/2023 18:19

Can you get one of your friends/family/parter to send you a SOS text whilst you’re at work? Then you feign you can’t drop her off because X is having an nightmare and needs you

😂What - every evening?

Why the feigning? We see it in every thread when somebody is shy of telling a cheeky fucker that their cheek is insupportable. What's wrong with the truth?

skgnome · 27/04/2023 18:23

Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2023 18:10

Say ‘OMG the traffic last night was insane, it took me two hours to get back from yours. Usually I can get home in 20 mins. I was absolutely knackered by the time I got in. Are you ok to get the bus for a bit? Coz last night was a bit ridiculous and I can’t face that again.

This, I would just edit the “are you ok to take the bus?” part, that gives her an opening
just say - traffic was insane last night, as much as I love you I cannot really commit to give you a constant lift home, I’m sure you get it

Okisenough · 27/04/2023 18:24

FFS she is your close friend of 11 years, just tell her the truth and see what she says rather than come on here and allow strangers to call her a c.f. She might think that because you guys are such good friends that you don't mind, she isn't a fecking mind reader and I am sure she would be mortified if she knew this is what you thought of her.

IncompleteSenten · 27/04/2023 18:25

You need to tell her that you can't do it. That she lives in the opposite direction, it takes you X amount of time and extra fuel and it's not something you want to do.

A good friend would understand and respect that!

shard5 · 27/04/2023 18:25

You should have messaged her straight away after the two hour journey. Sorry friend, I can't cary on taking you home it's taken me two hours to get home!
A true friend would be mortified to have put you out so much, apologised and told you she'll make other arrangements come Monday

Truestorypeeps · 27/04/2023 18:28

Just text "sorry, I can't give you a lift to or from work anymore, my journey instead of being 20 minutes is between an hour and two hours."

Then sit back and see what she replies with. If it's anything other than I "I completely understand, and thanks so much for all the lifts you have given me" then you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with her as a friend wouldn't want you to go out of your way like that, it's frankly fckn ridiculous.

Deathmetal · 27/04/2023 18:29

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 18:23

😂What - every evening?

Why the feigning? We see it in every thread when somebody is shy of telling a cheeky fucker that their cheek is insupportable. What's wrong with the truth?

Show quote history

haha well OP could drag it out for a few days as she must visit X and keep checking they’re okay Monday through Thursday and then hopefully that’s enough for the routine/cycle to break here

I did tell OP to tell the truth in my previous post though!

crosstalk · 27/04/2023 18:29

You don't need to lie or give excuses.

Just say it's not working for you. If she asks, point out how far you are going out of your way. It takes x minutes a week to drive her.

WonderingWanda · 27/04/2023 18:30

Send her a message. Be straight to the point. "Sorry friend, I'm going to have to stop giving you lifts, it took 2 hrs the other night, I'm knackered!"

'