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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drop friend off after work out of my way

291 replies

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:09

My friend doesn’t drive and she usually gets the bus back home from work bus she has recently been asking me and someone else to drop her off as it’s free, shorter journey time and they’ve become unreliable recently. The thing is, she lives the opposite way so I have to drive southbound 20 minutes, 20 minutes back to the junction and then 15 minutes northbound home, so a journey for me which would normally take about 20 minutes ends up taking about an hour (and because of traffic HER SIDE last night took almost 2hrs!) I know it’s good to be helpful but it’s just too cheeky for me, I wouldn’t mind if it were on the way but it’s just too much! I want to stop doing it but I don’t know what to excuse to give.
My other work friend complains about it too but it’s not as far for her as for me.

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 27/04/2023 19:07

YABVVVU to have started this in the first place, she's a total CF.
Sorry "friend" this arrangement doesn't work for me and I won't be able to give you any more lifts.

Happygirl79 · 27/04/2023 19:08

Just say that you can't help with lifts anymore. You live to far away from her. End of.

Kisskiss · 27/04/2023 19:10

It’s really poor form of her expecting you to drive her 20min out of your way that frequently..

PuzzledObserver · 27/04/2023 19:10

Another vote for not making up excuses, just tell her straight it’s too much on a regular basis.

Since she’s a friend, you might say that if there was a particular reason she needed to be home on time (doctors appointment, parents evening) then you would drive her on an occasional basis. But it’s too much to expect on a regular basis. So she’ll either have to suck up the bus reliability issue, or perhaps find someone who lives in the same direction as her who is willing to do it regularly. For petrol money, of course - cos only a CF expects someone to provide their transport for free.

Newestname002 · 27/04/2023 19:10

OP, by our actions we teach others how to treat us! Old fashioned saying, but still true.

Don't let this go any longer. If you need to tell your friend by email, and I can understand you can be clearer and maybe more unambiguous than if you had to face her, then write your email and send it to her soon. Don't leave things to fester any longer. Once you've sent it I'm willing to bet you'll feel as though a weight has dropped from your shoulders even though there may be some awkwardness to begin with.

Just don't let her wheedle you to change your mind - it will just make things worse for you in the future. 🌹

GabriellaMontez · 27/04/2023 19:12

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

'Close friends' don't ask you to drive 40 minutes extra, every day (minimum), to save themselves time and money.

As a Close friend, you might offer if she didn't feel well or, had an urgent appointment. She'd offer petrol money in return.

She's a user.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/04/2023 19:13

She’s no friend OP

FelicityFlops · 27/04/2023 19:15

Tell her politely, but firmly that you are no longer able to take her home, for all the reasons you mentioned.
Do NOT use the word sorry, because she is imposing on you.

Starsandrain · 27/04/2023 19:17

So you’re going 20 mins to hers and then 20 mins back again and then continuing your journey home? No way would I do that! That’s 40 extra mins a day (not counting traffic) and will cost you a lot more! Just say no.

Plantgeumstoday · 27/04/2023 19:17

No excuses needed even if she is a supposed “close “ friend ( who’s taking the piss).
NO!

Does she not feel bad for putting you way off your route, your extra financial outlay ( assume she doesn’t offer fuel money?) and taking up your valuable time !?

Wrongsideofpennines · 27/04/2023 19:18

I understand she has been a friend for a long time but if you explain that it took you 2 hours to get home last night when it should take you 15 is enough of a explanation as to why you're not continuing. It's irrelevant if she knows you don't have a partner/kids/dog etc. If she is a good friend then she will understand that you want to be having an evening like she is rather than driving another 90 minutes for someone else on a regular basis.

FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 19:18

If you want to avoid confrontation & a difficult convo I went with a ‘I’m expecting a delivery’ excuse a few times. I think I blamed Ocado so it was the same slot each week.

It is really blooming awkward!

DogInATent · 27/04/2023 19:22

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

She's sucking 5 hours a week out of your life. Plus the fuel cost. For free. She's not that close a friend or she wouldn't be taking advantage of you.

SmallFerret · 27/04/2023 19:28

FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 19:18

If you want to avoid confrontation & a difficult convo I went with a ‘I’m expecting a delivery’ excuse a few times. I think I blamed Ocado so it was the same slot each week.

It is really blooming awkward!

I am so glad my friends are straightforward people who understand that true friends speak ... (SHOCKER!) the truth. I'd be devastated if they fobbed me off with feeble lies like you are suggesting.

No confrontation necessary, it's not difficult, & no conversation needs to be had.
"Mate - it took me 2 hours to get home last night, I can't keep doing it."

Finis.

Stravaig · 27/04/2023 19:30

Charge her. For the entire round trip detour. Standard pence per mile plus pro rata work salary for your time plus tip. Or taxi rates, whichever is higher. In advance. That should do it.

She is not a friend. A friend does not exploit you. A friend does not leave you poorer and more tired out of sheer laziness. A friend does not benefit herself at your expense.

IamnotHWhittier · 27/04/2023 19:31

If it was en route, fine.
It isn’t.
So it’s costing you time and money.
Its a no from me, just tell her you don’t have the time or money
She may be a friend but friends don’t use people like this.

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 19:37

She is some CF who thinks you are some mug.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2023 19:41

It's irrelevant if she knows you don't have a partner/kids/dog etc. If she is a good friend then she will understand that you want to be having an evening like she is rather than driving another 90 minutes for someone else on a regular basis.

Even if OP really had nothing whatsoever that she wanted to do with all of those hours of her own hard-earned free time, she might as well do an hour or two's taxi driving after work each evening for paying customers, rather than spending her last hour or whatever's wages (as well as an additional hour or two) on providing the service for somebody free of charge.

Rosula · 27/04/2023 19:44

Cherryblossomgirly · 27/04/2023 17:24

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend and I’ve known her for over 11 years so I wouldn’t want any awkwardness. She knows what I do at home so can’t say I need to rush back for anything.

You don't have to be rushing back. You've done a full day's work, you're entitled to want to get back home and not sit in traffic for two hours. Presumably you want to get back to have supper or something anyway?

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/04/2023 19:47

No close friend of mine would expect me to do this unless it were a one-off emergency.

Stop allowing her to embarrass you into being a free taxi service.

InSpainTheRain · 27/04/2023 19:55

The reason I find it awkward to say no is that she is a quite a close friend

She isn't your friend, she is taking the piss royally and she must know it! In the opposite direction to you, takes you more than hour sometimes, she doesn't pay you petrol money. She knows exactly what she is doing!

Knackeredandalsotired · 27/04/2023 20:01

Out of interest, what does CF have to rush home for? Why is it so important for her to save time, at the expense of yours?

Does it even take her an hour to get home on the bus? At the moment she is pushing ALL the inconvenience of HER commute into you, when she has chosen where to live and not to drive/keep a car.

ShandaLear · 27/04/2023 20:10

Next time she asks just say, ‘Jeez, no, Marge. I can’t keep doing that. It took me two hours to get home last time and it normally takes at least well over an hour out of my way. It’s not sustainable’.

strawberry2017 · 27/04/2023 20:12

You have to toughen up. A good friend shouldn't expect this if you.
Maybe a one off if she was unwell but not a nightly thing.
It's really inappropriate of her to take advantage this way.

moomoomoo27 · 27/04/2023 20:15

DannyZukosSmile · 27/04/2023 18:51

PMSL the actual cheeky fuckery of many non-drivers never ceases to amaze me. Of course, the non-drivers who claim they never EVER ask anyone to give them a lift, always pop up on these threads. In reality, I have never met a non-driver who never asks for lifts.

They're always all smug and cocky about how they don't need a car, they are 'saving the environment,' and they are happy to walk, or bus-it everywhere, but when push comes to shove, they NEED a car sometimes, as public transport is so so SO unreliable, and there are places you cannot get to and from without a car!

I have seen non-driving people on these threads saying 'hahaha I love it when a driver has a meltdown when their car is on the blink and they are stranded!!!' Such a stupid way to think.

For a start, there's nothing funny about people being stranded, as some people who have a car live quite a distance from work and shops, so are unable to get anywhere without it. And also, the chance of your CAR letting you down is much much lower than public transport letting you down. I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times a car has let me down in my lifetime (almost 50 years.) When I couldn't drive (I passed in my mid 20s,) I was let down by public transport dozens of times in the first 25 years of my life!

@Cherryblossomgirly Easy to say, but just start saying no! She won't like it, and will probably start being huffy and sniffy with you. Some people are like that; take it as a personal insult when you DARE to withdraw favours they think they should be entitled to.

I know someone right now (this is not driving related,) who has done favours for 2 colleagues 3 times ... (There are 2 colleagues, and one had one favour, and one had two favours.) A 3rd colleague asked them for a similar favour. (A few weeks ago...) This person said 'no, sorry I feel I have done enough now...' All 3 colleagues are now being funny, and are shunning this person, and snubbing them at break times etc. Vile VILE behaviour. 'Better off without them' I said. Awful atmosphere, and luckily this person is moving to a different department and location in June. (a mile away...)

Some folk are entitled wankers, like just how DARE you not sing to my tune, and ask 'how high?' when I say 'JUMP.'

I don't drive. I'd love to, but never been able to pass the practical test. I live in a city though, so public transport is good (never waiting more than 10 mins) and I walk mostly everywhere anyway since everything is less than 2 miles away.

I only ask for lifts when I really have to and overpay for petrol etc.

I wouldn't ask someone to drive me that amount of time that often, unless it was a properly arranged agreement in advance. I certainly wouldn't expect it.

Of the other people I know who don't drive, most feel really awkward asking for lifts and are really grateful when someone offers.

It's no fun being a non driver and getting splashed with 5ft of puddle water in the rain because a driver thinks it's funny. Most drivers also don't indicate for pedestrians, only other drivers.