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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

241 replies

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 14:02

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

OP posts:
herbaceous · 27/04/2023 18:01

And if one is conflict-averse, and rubbish at being assertive, it makes matters worse.

I tend to just keep quiet and then once every couple of years have a gigantic explosion.

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/04/2023 18:03

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:33

More the insecure side in this case.

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So maybe calling so frequently so you can make him feel better? I honestly think it would be better if you gently had a chat and asked him to call a couple of times a week rather than every day?

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:04

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 18:01

And if one is conflict-averse, and rubbish at being assertive, it makes matters worse.

I tend to just keep quiet and then once every couple of years have a gigantic explosion.

I cannot handle conflict at all. Trying to be more assertive but my personality type plus years of conditioning as a little girl growing up in the 80s and being told that nice girls are polite and quiet takes a long time to unravel.

OP posts:
IttyBittyTittyCommittee · 27/04/2023 18:04

My DP drives an HGV and he’s always on the ruddy phone! Sometimes I ‘forget’ to take my phone with me so I don’t have running commentaries on the state of truck stops, what the weathers like here he is, what he’s just eaten on his break, who he’s met on his travels etc etc.
Hes a lovely man, but I think he maybe gets bored….
I now have a thorough knowledge of “HGV truck stops of the UK and their food” if anyone needs advice!🙄

Smoky1107 · 27/04/2023 18:06

No I agree, my dh used to call every night on his way just as I was really busy sorting the house and kids out. He wouldn't take the no so now I'm just very short when he calls and then gets the point. Just talk to me when your home I don't need a long chat from the car

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:06

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:35

Oh gosh I could have written this post! Husband rings me everyday and I find it really quite irritating. Like you say unless it's really important or he has some real news to tell me I wish he'd just wait until he gets home and we can catch up properly. I find I've got absolutely nothing to say on these lunch time chats but would feel bad not answering his call. When we first started dating I would love a mid day chat on the phone but nearly 20 years in I'd rather not.

Yes back in the day it would have been exciting to see his name come up on my phone. Now... not so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:07

curious79 · 27/04/2023 17:28

I get your reaction. I am called during the day and have that 'for godsake, what does he want?' reaction. However, it doesn't do me any harm to respond and have a quick chat, so I often do. I'll be 'in the middle of something' to cut it short. But if I'm really not in the mood I just don't answer. I don't think he's checking up on me. It's a small bit of communication that in my relationship I feel greases the wheels and meets his needs, even if not my own, and is very little skin off my back so why not.

This tends to be my response. But I'm finding it harder at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:08

Cantthinkof1rightnow · 27/04/2023 17:18

@JAPB79 has this always been the way or has something new triggered it? If yes, what?

My dh started doing this last year along with calling me when he leaves the house, several times during the day and on his way home as well as abt 3-10 texts an hour during his working day, starting from 10 mins after he left the house.

In my case this was a new thing triggered by us almost breaking up (my choice), which explained it.
In the end I had to say something as it was suffocating me, even though I knew it came partly from insecurity as well as him wanting me to know he thought about me and loved me, etc.

He was hurt, initially, but I explained that I just found it overwhelming, especially if I was busy. If I didn't answer he would try harder/send more texts, so after we had a frank discussion, we compromised and now he'll only send 1 text and won't send another unless I reply.

He's also cut down the number of calls a lot (although he occasionally forgets, but if I'm busy or don't want to talk, I'll just send a message saying, "Can't talk now!"). He won't keep trying after that any more, so that has resolved the issue.

What would happen if you brought it up? Would he sulk?

This is really helpful. Overwhelming is exactly how I'd describe it.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 18:09

Smoky1107 · 27/04/2023 18:06

No I agree, my dh used to call every night on his way just as I was really busy sorting the house and kids out. He wouldn't take the no so now I'm just very short when he calls and then gets the point. Just talk to me when your home I don't need a long chat from the car

He wouldn't take the no

How so?

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:10

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:11

What would your DH do if you asked him to stop? No buttering up or PA not answering the phone. Just direct communication. What would happen? And not ‘he wouldn’t react well’ - what exactly would that reaction be?

Ironically, I'd get the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheyknow · 27/04/2023 18:11

That would annoy the hell out of me!

DH has retired and messages me each morning, sometimes as early as 10am to ask how my day is going😬 I ignore him🤣
My day has just started, my days are always busy and shit, what else is there to say!

Floralnomad · 27/04/2023 18:13

If it annoys you then just tell him . Pre covid when my husband went into the office ( he now WFH full time) we phoned each other at least once or twice a day but mainly very short calls .

optimistic40 · 27/04/2023 18:14

My exH used to call on his way home from work to chat. I hated it! Much better to catch up after dinner than when I'd got in from work and was chilling at home. I told him straight and he was hurt I think. He did stop though.

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 18:14

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:50

So, things need to be a big deal for you to communicate directly about them? If you were irritating him, would he tell you? Would you want him to tell you?

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Our communication is great when it's something I deem worth communicating about. I would feel hurt if he told me he didn't want me to call him for a chat so on that basis no I wouldn't want him to tell me.😃

Newestname002 · 27/04/2023 18:28

I've not seen if this has been suggested, but have you considered putting him on Do Not Disturb over your lunch hour? No need to tell him you've done that - but you could say you're getting some downtime decompressing from your work/work colleagues "noise" by meditating over your lunch hour... 🌹

2023a · 27/04/2023 18:33

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:10

Ironically, I'd get the silent treatment.

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And then what would happen?

2023a · 27/04/2023 18:36

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 18:14

Our communication is great when it's something I deem worth communicating about. I would feel hurt if he told me he didn't want me to call him for a chat so on that basis no I wouldn't want him to tell me.😃

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That doesn’t answer my questions.

Do things need to be a big deal for you to communicate directly about them?

If you were irritating him, would he tell you?

Would you want him to tell you? Not about you ringing him all the time, as that doesn’t happen. But if there were something you were constantly doing that irritated him, would you want to know?

Verigio · 27/04/2023 18:37

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 17:07

So, you have no need for solo time at all? I mean, it’s not a crime! Extreme extraversion is a thing and while it’s not a trait I share, I don’t think it should be shamed. As long as the other person also wants to talk to you (which hopefully your DH does), all’s well.

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@PousseyNotMoira

I actually consider myself a more of introvert! Although I definitely like to be social. I have plenty of solo down time in the evening, and we both make sure we take our daughter out on our own at the weekend so the other gets time alone, but there’s just something about car journeys and lunch breaks- they feel like dead time to me, and I like to fill them with a nice chat!

Verigio · 27/04/2023 18:40

Colourmylifewith · 27/04/2023 17:28

Giving him an ETA sounds reasonable! I’m sure he doesn’t hate it, but worth giving him (another) a ring to check!? 😂😂😂

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@Colourmylifewith ok, I told him about this thread and he laughed and said ‘has it made you paranoid?’ 🙈 I said ‘do you hate it?’ and he said ‘not at all, it’s nice having a little chat.’ I asked what he does when he’s not in the mood and he said ‘I either cut the call short or don’t answer in the first place.’ So there we go!

Colourmylifewith · 27/04/2023 18:42

Verigio · 27/04/2023 18:40

@Colourmylifewith ok, I told him about this thread and he laughed and said ‘has it made you paranoid?’ 🙈 I said ‘do you hate it?’ and he said ‘not at all, it’s nice having a little chat.’ I asked what he does when he’s not in the mood and he said ‘I either cut the call short or don’t answer in the first place.’ So there we go!

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Aw, that all sounds healthy and nice. Both on the same page 😊 it’s nice to read

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:42

Newestname002 · 27/04/2023 18:28

I've not seen if this has been suggested, but have you considered putting him on Do Not Disturb over your lunch hour? No need to tell him you've done that - but you could say you're getting some downtime decompressing from your work/work colleagues "noise" by meditating over your lunch hour... 🌹

Ooh. This is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:43

@2023a in other instances where we've had big discussions about housework etc he'll change for a while then slip back to old ways and we go through it all again 6 months later.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:45

@Verigio glad you've cleared that up 😊

OP posts:
DoesItHaveKosovo · 27/04/2023 19:29

KStockHERO · 27/04/2023 15:11

This would do my head in.

Me and DP don't speak during the day at all.

At least one of us works from home every day because of the dog.

When the person who's been out gets home, we get a brew and sit in the living room.

The person who's been out then gives a full run-down of absolutely everything in their day in chronological order.

Then its the turn of the person who's been at home.

We call it the "Sex O'clock News" because its the least sexy thing you can imagine but it feels incredibly intimate and loving.

This is marvellous, might start doing that.

I’m on the side of disliking this - I can’t imagine why I’d need to touch base with DH at any point during the work day, except to ensure the one nearest a supermarket remembers to pick up milk. Phasing out is a good idea.

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 22:02

2023a · 27/04/2023 18:36

That doesn’t answer my questions.

Do things need to be a big deal for you to communicate directly about them?

If you were irritating him, would he tell you?

Would you want him to tell you? Not about you ringing him all the time, as that doesn’t happen. But if there were something you were constantly doing that irritated him, would you want to know?

Show quote history

I can communicate directly with him if I so wish whether it's a big deal or not, I'm choosing not to bother as it doesn't seem worth making someone I care about feel bad. I've made the choice not to say anything.
If I were irritating him no he probably wouldn't tell me, same reason, not wanting to upset someone he loves and cares about.
Again, no I probably wouldn't want to know if I were annoying him in some way, ignorance is bliss and all that.
My God you're annoying.