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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

241 replies

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 14:02

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:08

HurryShadow · 27/04/2023 15:41

I often work late and DH used to call me for a chat about his day, then moan when I say I'm going to be late.

The day I told him "the longer you and I have a chat about your day, the later I'm going to be. How about we just have this conversation when I get home, rather than when I'm still at work?" seemed to be the day the penny dropped!

You do just have to be brutally honest sometimes!

DH is definitely the one that does the most calling. To the point that if I ever call him, he always answers it with "What's wrong?!"

I find it annoying too OP, but I've realised that in my case he often doesn't want to talk to me, rather talk at me! If I try and join in the conversation I will often realise that he's not listening anyway. If it really annoys me I have been known to hang up on him! He then normally calls back and says "sorry about that, I seem to have got cut off" at which point I normally confess and say "no, that was me. I was trying to talk to you and you weren't listening, so there didn't seem much of a point in continuing the call"! 😂 It may seem harsh, but it's literally the only thing that gets through to him!

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:09

Mary28 · 27/04/2023 15:48

My DH does this. I think he is high maintance and he thinks I have autism. We're both right I think(no diagnosis for either of us yet!). He very regularly rings me when he's on his way home from something, he's literally minutes away and will see me in person very shortly and I'm usually just after sitting down to watch tv and couldn't be arsed listening to him. He gets thick when I try to get him to hang up. If I happen to call him when he wants to do something else I'm promptly told and the call is dropped!!!

Can totally relate to this!

OP posts:
2023a · 27/04/2023 17:11

What would your DH do if you asked him to stop? No buttering up or PA not answering the phone. Just direct communication. What would happen? And not ‘he wouldn’t react well’ - what exactly would that reaction be?

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:11

That was to @JAPB79 .

BSB30 · 27/04/2023 17:15

@Hellybelly84 We would have to ignore each other all day if we didn't have contact as we are in the house together. But if one of us goes out for something, we usually check in to say when we will be home etc.

Cantthinkof1rightnow · 27/04/2023 17:18

@JAPB79 has this always been the way or has something new triggered it? If yes, what?

My dh started doing this last year along with calling me when he leaves the house, several times during the day and on his way home as well as abt 3-10 texts an hour during his working day, starting from 10 mins after he left the house.

In my case this was a new thing triggered by us almost breaking up (my choice), which explained it.
In the end I had to say something as it was suffocating me, even though I knew it came partly from insecurity as well as him wanting me to know he thought about me and loved me, etc.

He was hurt, initially, but I explained that I just found it overwhelming, especially if I was busy. If I didn't answer he would try harder/send more texts, so after we had a frank discussion, we compromised and now he'll only send 1 text and won't send another unless I reply.

He's also cut down the number of calls a lot (although he occasionally forgets, but if I'm busy or don't want to talk, I'll just send a message saying, "Can't talk now!"). He won't keep trying after that any more, so that has resolved the issue.

What would happen if you brought it up? Would he sulk?

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 17:19

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 16:09

I know what the term means, I’m wondering what it entails in the context of this thread.

Are people genuinely ringing up their partners every day, sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes on their way home from work (so will shortly see said partner) in order to ask how they are or what they think about something?

Show quote history

I imagine as we're all individuals the circumstances/content will be individual too?

For us, it was once a day at lunch-time, assuming our schedules allowed which they mostly did.

I always felt so much better after our quick calls, more grounded/calm and he always said he missed our call if we couldn't for whatever reason.

Tbf, we are a couple who communicate well e.g. you'll never see us sitting at a pub/restaurant table staring into space or, worse, looking at our phones. In 15 years we've had two arguments where voices were (briefly) raised. We actively enjoy communicating, sharing ideas/plans/dreams. Even if it's 'just' laughing at ourselves/each other, indulging in our own private jokes etc., it's communication and it's enjoyable/sustaining for both of us.

Bottom line is if it works for those involved, it works, even if that is multiple calls per day.

Different folks, different strokes as they say.

Cantthinkof1rightnow · 27/04/2023 17:22

I actually like the balance we have now as it was one of the things I had been unhappy about (how wrapped up in work, etc, he was, so that there was no time for us), and because he was worried about losing me, he over compensated.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:23

@PousseyNotMoira I would describe it as the shutters coming down. Anything he regards as confrontational (which I would call a healthy debate) leads to him disengaging and just not discussing it. He will just say fine, whatever you say without actually talking it through. He's not controlling at all. He comes from a family who just do not discuss feelings openly.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 17:24

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 17:19

I imagine as we're all individuals the circumstances/content will be individual too?

For us, it was once a day at lunch-time, assuming our schedules allowed which they mostly did.

I always felt so much better after our quick calls, more grounded/calm and he always said he missed our call if we couldn't for whatever reason.

Tbf, we are a couple who communicate well e.g. you'll never see us sitting at a pub/restaurant table staring into space or, worse, looking at our phones. In 15 years we've had two arguments where voices were (briefly) raised. We actively enjoy communicating, sharing ideas/plans/dreams. Even if it's 'just' laughing at ourselves/each other, indulging in our own private jokes etc., it's communication and it's enjoyable/sustaining for both of us.

Bottom line is if it works for those involved, it works, even if that is multiple calls per day.

Different folks, different strokes as they say.

Show quote history

I imagine it would be. I’m not asking anyone to provide me with an all encompassing answer, just what it entails for them.

So, your daily ‘touching base’ call - what would that entail? What would you talk about?

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 17:24

Are we with the same man? I actually get ignored if I say something he doesn't want to engage with. As if I haven't even spoken.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:25

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 27/04/2023 15:52

Just out of curiosity, has it always been this way or is it a recent thing?

In my experience, I found myself calling people at lunch time at times when work is very chaotic. I was doing it alot last December but it would be different people every day. It was like I just needed to speak to someone wasn't obsessed with deadlines and under pressure. To talk to someone normal about things outside work helped me recharge for the second half of the day.

Yes, incredibly self indulgent of me & annoying for those getting the call.

Is he stressed or just fatigued by work by any chance? Why is he doing it because he wouldn't be unless there was some benefit to him. Could also be anxiety or control etc. The reason is important & will tell you how best to address it for you both.

This is really helpful thank you. It hasn't always been this way but on and off over the years. He recently started a new job so maybe it's a bit of security during a busy day for him.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 17:26

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:23

@PousseyNotMoira I would describe it as the shutters coming down. Anything he regards as confrontational (which I would call a healthy debate) leads to him disengaging and just not discussing it. He will just say fine, whatever you say without actually talking it through. He's not controlling at all. He comes from a family who just do not discuss feelings openly.

And then what happens? Does he take the request on board and change his behaviour or does he ignore your request and carry on as before?

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:26

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 15:52

I too envy these terribly healthy types who can actually tell their partners when they're being a PITA, without eliciting a 'hurt face', or slamming of kitchen cupboards.

It's not always as straightforward as 'why can't you just tell them?' < smug shrug>

Yep cringe

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:27

2Rebecca · 27/04/2023 15:55

I'd take to being out at lunch time but would never have got in to a daily chat scenario in the first place. It sounds a bit controlling. It's concerning you can't just tell him you'd like the check up calls to stop. He sounds very needy and as though you must revolve around him

I can see how it looks but it's not that bad in the sense that it doesn't come from a place of control, more like insecurity

OP posts:
curious79 · 27/04/2023 17:28

I get your reaction. I am called during the day and have that 'for godsake, what does he want?' reaction. However, it doesn't do me any harm to respond and have a quick chat, so I often do. I'll be 'in the middle of something' to cut it short. But if I'm really not in the mood I just don't answer. I don't think he's checking up on me. It's a small bit of communication that in my relationship I feel greases the wheels and meets his needs, even if not my own, and is very little skin off my back so why not.

Colourmylifewith · 27/04/2023 17:28

Verigio · 27/04/2023 17:06

@Colourmylifewith

just to say hi! I’m on my way home now, I’m gonna call him and ask if he hates it!

Show quote history

Giving him an ETA sounds reasonable! I’m sure he doesn’t hate it, but worth giving him (another) a ring to check!? 😂😂😂

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:28

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/04/2023 15:57

You're not alone 😆 my Husband prefers to blether and I don't. When we were in the early days he would always phone, and always at the most stupidest times! I was wrestling with leads and dogs, picking up shite (I was a dog walker) or I had a group I couldn't take my eyes off for a second. I eventually said don't phone me, I seriously cannot talk and focus on work, I didn't get any breaks. He knows I'm not a chatter. Now I'm not working we text throughout the day. He's a communicator, I'm a mute unless someone entices me out my crab shell with a decent conversation 🤣
If I have something to say that's important and he's working I will voice message on WhatsApp. Emergencies I would obviously call. My MIL is a wee gossip and is on the phone all the time. She loves a wee phone call chat xx

100 percent get this. Always the worst time to call and then I'm a grumpy cow to him as a result. You'd think he'd get the hint 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:29

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/04/2023 15:58

Is he an extrovert and you and introvert? He might not understand the concept of just wanting a bit of a break from interaction in your lunchtime

I've made him very aware of my introvert nature but maybe he doesn't think it applies to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:30

Marmite27 · 27/04/2023 15:58

It’s taken me 19 years to break my husband of this habit. It’s absolutely infuriating!

😩

OP posts:
2023a · 27/04/2023 17:31

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 17:19

I imagine as we're all individuals the circumstances/content will be individual too?

For us, it was once a day at lunch-time, assuming our schedules allowed which they mostly did.

I always felt so much better after our quick calls, more grounded/calm and he always said he missed our call if we couldn't for whatever reason.

Tbf, we are a couple who communicate well e.g. you'll never see us sitting at a pub/restaurant table staring into space or, worse, looking at our phones. In 15 years we've had two arguments where voices were (briefly) raised. We actively enjoy communicating, sharing ideas/plans/dreams. Even if it's 'just' laughing at ourselves/each other, indulging in our own private jokes etc., it's communication and it's enjoyable/sustaining for both of us.

Bottom line is if it works for those involved, it works, even if that is multiple calls per day.

Different folks, different strokes as they say.

Show quote history

You need to speak to your husband, who you see every morning and evening, every lunchtime to ground yourself? Do you suffer from anxiety? I’m just trying to understand this level of codependency.

I adore my DH. I enjoy communicating with him. But I also have a career, friends, family, other interests. I do not require that we be fused together. Do you have a career, friends, family, other interests?

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:31

StreetSpirit3 · 27/04/2023 15:59

Maybe some days you can answer but other days just text to say sorry you can’t talk as you’re really busy and you’ll catch up later?

Yes I do try to do this. He keeps ringing when I'm busy at work at the moment which has probably made it seem more annoying recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:32

Newyearnewmeow · 27/04/2023 16:01

OP. You feel uncomfortable with it but telling him would make him feel uncomfortable.
Why do his feelings trump yours?

I do ask myself this sometimes.

OP posts:
2023a · 27/04/2023 17:32

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:26

Yep cringe

Show quote history

Healthy relationships are cringe? Okay, then.

Tilliemolly · 27/04/2023 17:32

My friends husband recently passed away, I asked what do you miss the most about him, she said she misses her phone ringing or texting from him just to say hi, or a chat, that was about 20 times a day, alot I know, but it is funny what you miss when they are gone. I will leave you with that thought.